Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thursday December 30,2010

New years resolution gone horribly astray.....

A year ago I began this blog and when I went back to see what new years nonsensical wisdom I had to share, I discovered that I didn't share any at surprising considering how freely I share other pearls of here is a new years blog...

Resolutions are stupid. In theory.,.they are great..I resolve to lose weight..I resolve to be a better person...I resolve to be a better spouse...a better mom...a better friend....a better daughter-wait, if I need to make all of these resolutions, I must totally suck as a human being and need to change every aspect of my personality. Now I know that some or most or all of you reading this agree with that last statement.....but I resolve to make more realistic resolutions...

I resolve to wait at least 3 minutes before calling husband #1 and yelling at him for one thing or another(because it's always something with these men-am I right ladies?!?) so 3 minutes is a realistic amount of 2010 it was only 45 seconds...but in 2011, I am being a totally new and more understanding wife. Go me!

I resolve not to make fun of the scary people at THE GYM anymore..granted, my membership is up in three weeks(awwwwww) but if these people are comfortable with being hungry and cranky all of the time, who am I to judge. So, again, a totally realistic resolution.

I resolve to.....who really cares. Part of having narcissistic personality disorder is living in a delusional world where one thinks they are perfect. So, I am going to stay in that world..invite you to join me in it-that way, we can all be perfect together!

Sounds good to me...happy 2011 everyone...may all of your resolutions come to fruition...and may those of us over 40 remember to write the right year down when filling out paperwork....

Happy thursday

Monday, December 27, 2010

Monday December 27,2010

Love and snow

On this snowy, cold day we are all bundled up inside with our loved ones. Our spouses have made warm toasty fires in the fire place..our children are making arts and crafts projects and helping bake cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows....

Remember English class when you would be given a sentence with lots of mistakes and you had to correct it?? Well, let's take a look at the above sentence and see how we can make it right....

On this freaking freezing and windy day when we are stuck inside with our loved ones who couldn't go to school because it was closed and who didn't go to work because he thought it would score some points with his wife..

.our spouses did not make a fire because we have already lost one house on this block to an explosion and we really don't want to lose another one (aside from the fact that we have no idea how to make a fire....and the house wouldn't be so freaking freezing if we would leave the heat on a little higher....)

Our children are playing xbox and yelling at each other that with all of the computers on the wireless connection isn't strong enough and no one wants to go outside because who wants to get even colder than they are inside....bake cookies?? Are you nuts? Mom just told us she ate all of her points for the day by 10 am which means she will be really really cranky in another twenty minutes or so and if we make hot
chocolate and leave the mugs all over the kitchen counter she will start yelling at us about how ungrateful we are and then she will start drinking right out of the vodka bottle again and we will have to do another intervention and send her back to rehab, but son #2's bar mitzvah
is in less than two weeks and if she isn't there, people will ask questions.....

Happy Monday...

(on a side note...everyone is getting along..I haven't been drinking and husband #1 is spending quality time with his boys....for now...)

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Sunday December 26,2010

The real housewives of the five towns.....

I had the pleasure of going out to the island of long this weekend. I even had my hair done so I would almost fit in...almost being the operative word...It was filled with good friends, good food and a wonderful celebration. What I wasn't expecting was to be in the audience of a reality show....saturday mornings entertainment was a pleasant surprise.

Now, I am happy to report that even though the majority of these women have not eaten since the early 90's, there were a few that made me feel right at home. So that was a good start.(though perhaps those women were only let in as guests, maybe they aren't allowed to live there..,hmmmm) But then it goes down one sent me the memo that I was supposed to be wearing a teeny tiny pancake on my head with a feather sticking out of it. Perhaps that is because they were afraid that I would eat the pancake, but it seems that this is quite fashionable in the island of long...these pancakes come in many variations, the most popular seemed to be the leopard print pancake..wonder if that one tastes like actual leopard....

Now the problem with these hats is that if your head is too big, and you are wearing the little hat, look, well, you look like husband #1 does when he tries to wear a hat..,it makes for good comedy, but beyond that...just breakaway from the pack and wear a bigger will be ok....

It was a great fashion's new line of watches seemed to grace the wrists of many of these women, but then someone told me that there is a person who sells them for 200 dollars so now I am all disturbed and the fantasy is shattered...but I will just give the watches
the benefit of the doubt...and, after all, jewelry always fits and never makes you look fat..unless you are fat and you are only wearing

But in the end, it wasn't about which mothers were going to give their daughters nose jobs,,,it wasn't about the husbands who sit downstairs
totally oblivious to the antics of their wives in the seats above wasnt about being ignored by the same people who ignored me in was about spending time with wonderful friends and wishing them and their family all the happiness in the world.....

Happy sunday

Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday December 20,2010

I really am forty.....

There are many indications that one is getting old. Gray hair (check), forgetfulness(check), inability to read something while wearing your glasses(check), and your first visit to the podiatrist(check). Yes, I know there are other indicators, but, I would like to discuss my visit to the podiatrist...(oh and repeating things is another indicator..check)

Some of you know that I walk...a lot. I walk because then I can eat more, and I eat because I know I can walk(vicious cycle and the reason why I will never be skinny...what can you do...) a few days ago, in addition to my usual aches and pains, I felt something was terribly amiss with my left much so, that I stopped walking and googled a variety of worst-case-scenarios on web md....long story short, made an appointment at the podiatrist.

When husband#1 said he was going to come with me, I got a little nervous because I thought I might actually have one of the worst-case-scenarios and no one was telling me. But, apparently, he was being a doting spouse..two words I have just put together for the first time!!(sorry, I'll be nice..thanks for coming with me husband #1...I won't get you another snuggie for your birthday this year...)

Back to the podiatrist...turns out, it's a neuroma-which when you look up it's original meaning translates to "you're getting old and it sucks for you, baby!!" ya...the nice podiatrist-man glued something to my foot and told me to call him in a week. He said I can try walking again tomorrow...hopefully, I will be healed for the chai lifeline half marathon, which is in six weeks, otherwise, husband #1 will be wearing my customized shirt which reads "fatmom...."

Here's to hoping we all age gracefully and in good health....

Happy monday

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Thursday December 16,2010

But since he didn't ask me......

My father in law is editing a bar mitzvah book. This means he is compiling a bunch of "words of Torah" written by esteemed rabbis and relatives alike, putting them together into a book, which people can then buy, and use those "words of Torah" at their bar you would think that having a daughter in law who is as talented as I am in the writing department(oh wait, he has never read my blog or anything else that I have written over the years) and the fact that I only have sons, he would have asked me to write something for the book...ahh, that wasn't to, this is what I would have written, had he asked me, as sort of a humorous take on being a mother of the bar mitzvah boy.....well, not exactly, but the rejection is what has prompted this blog....

I love my sons...when they were born I thought their bar mitzvahs were millenniums away...but that was not the case. They went from breast feeding, to practicing their speeches in less time than it takes to say " why can't you pee in the toilet instead of on the toilet..". In the eyes of god, they are supposed to be men, but they look so freaking adorable in their suits...totally not like men, more like handsome older versions of their infant selves. Lately, while in the privacy of my car, the tears can't stop flowing when I think about how fast it's going...wasn't it just yesterday that i said to husband number one " uh, honey, I'm pregnant.." and he said "but son number one is only 7 months old..."
Wasn't it just yesterday?!?!?!?

Older friends of mine who only have sons have expressed how they feel about the non-existent roles that they played at their sons weddings (exept for that of the evil mother in law) gearing up for that, I am taking advantage of the very important role I have at their bar mitzvahs...making sure they practice their speeches so much that even the spiders in our house know the speech by heart, reminding them
to practice their Torah portion so they don't have 200 men correcting their mistakes, taking them for suits, picking out the menus, picking out clothes for me that I like, not some ridiculous color that my future daughter in law that I will love even if she has three heads and a tattoo,
has picked out for me....doing place cards, fielding responses, willing those relatives and out-of-towners that haven't responded to respond without my having to make threatening phone calls, making gift bags, picking out hostess gifts, boring my friends, who I love, with all of the inane details and breakdowns....but, I have enjoyed every minute of it...every single second, because THEY STILL NEED ME!!!!!!! my boys still need me....

I need a drink.....

Happy thursday

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tuesday December 14,2010

Love ain't what it used to be......

My life is falling apart. Everytime I turn on the news, another fabulous couple has called it quits. Eva and Tony- I couldn't believe it!! When we made her bridal shower she seemed so in love...the wedding in France...does it get more fabulous than that??? How could he sext with someone else?? It was bad enough what tiger did to elin...the world is coming to an end...

And then today I hear about Ryan Reynolds and scarlet-over. Not even married a year....seriously?!?!? How am I supposed to believe in love? How is it, that I, the total opposite of scarlett, can make a marriage work for over 15 years?? Is it because husband #1 has incredibly low standards?? Is it because I have an incredible amount of patience?!?! Or could it be the three kids that live with us....who knows....I am just really disappointed in these couples. But then there is my boyfriend Rick....who admits to cheating on me and his hot wife, but realizes how important it is to stay committed and work it out(with his hot wife, not me..not yet anyway...)

Different strokes for different folks....god bless us all and give us married folks the patience, wisdom and understanding not to kill our spouses and bury them in the the dead of night...when no one is looking....

Happy Tuesday!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wednesday December 8, 2010

I have figured it out...

So I have been going to THE GYM for almost five months now. When I first started, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I go to the dentist...but I would take a deep breath and walk in with my head held high. Any weight that I have lost while going to THE GYM, has not been because I go there, it has been because no matter how long you spin for, if you come home and eat a box of wacky Mac(cooked of course, that stuff is nasty raw) you aren't going to lose I have been spinning and refraining from any and all wacky mac (a new years resolution that I have actually stuck to...oh, not January 1, 2010 new year, the Jewish new year..which was only in september, but three months is still quite impressive..,)

Anyway, my big complaint about THE GYM, aside from the fact that most people there could get knocked down by a slight breeze and I feel like gulliver when I am there, is that the staff is not so friendly. My friends insist that it is all in my head, but I know when people are ignoring me...I have had years of experience being ignored..totally know what that feels like...but, I have had an epiphany as to why no one is friendly.

Tough love. If no one is friendly to me, the fat one, but they are friendly to the skinny ones, I will be motivated to stop eating, become one dimensional and gain their respect and friendship. I totally get it now. And my answer to them is...kiss my white fluffy ass....when you belong to other gyms, they say hello when you walk in and have a nice day when you leave. It doesn't matter if you are 400 pounds or 40 pounds...sometimes, they don't even look up when they say it-but they still say it.

I will finish up my free last six weeks ( thx again to my friend who gave me the six months...I really do love the spinning there) and I will find a friendly gym, where the fat folks and the skinny folks can feel free to be themselves and co-mingle....where no one feels judged and everyone is smiling and happy....ahh-a girl can dream....

Happy wednesday

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sunday december 5, 2010

Quotes to get you through life......

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger(or eat more...)

You can't pick your family, but if you could.....hmmmmm

Life is to short to hold grudges....but why not

People only care about don't take it personally...(but I do anyway)

Smile and the world smiles with you...(total load of crap....)

And my favorite, which I have said many, many times is love.

That is all I got...the migraine has taken over my brain...


Happy Sunday
Ps I am totally aware at how bad today's blog is...but, if I wrote what I really wanted wouldn't be pretty, cathartic, maybe...but not pretty.
Happy freaking Chanukah....

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thursday December 2,2010

The season of giving.....but giving what???

I grew up in a home where we got a Chanukah present for every night of the holiday. My brother and I learned how to unwrap and rewrap gifts so my parents wouldn't know we had invaded the pile. Some gifts were good, some....not so good. But this was back in the day before every cool gift started with an "I"..... We were even excited with board games back in the 70's. A much simpler time. Husband #1 was not brought up the same way and gift giving was not a priority...something that continues to this day. But that is ok, because I am perfectly happy buying my own gifts.

As for my the past I have attempted the "one gift a night" tradition from my family. Sometimes, this has back fired "are you kidding me??? Pajama pants??? I am never wearing those ever,,,". I can imagine his reaction if I had gotten him the Barbie win some and you lose some. This year, I am losing, especially with son #3. apparently, his friends are all getting gifts every night. When he tells me what they have gotten, I have to say " but you have that already... " clearly not the point he is trying to make. When i say " but we took you on a cruise..". That doesn't help. "there are kids everywhere who don't get anything and didn't go on a cruise" ...also doesn't help.

And then, crazy psycho mom emerges..."YOU ARE THE MOST SPOILED BRATTY KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!".

Much better. Hope your holiday season is filled with miracles....

Happy thursday

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday November 28,2010

Row row row your boat.....

So in the end, despite the original protest by some of my ungrateful children(we can't call them spoiled because they love traveling in a minivan and staying in crappy hotels)the banji birthday cruise was a success. Son #1 ate his weight in soft serve ice cream, son #2 didn't throw son #3 overboard, husband #1 got to relax and I got to sit in the sun and read two and a half books and not gain any weight(though if I had been able to take a stab at some of those buffets, that would not have happened...)

But more importantly, we had some real quality family bonding time that didn't involve any batting practices, extra innings or rain delays. The ship had a variety of shows ranging from "band on the run", which we renamed "bad on the run", to some real funny comedians to some cirque desoleil stuff. The cirque stuff had one woman in particular who we will call "bendy Barbie."

As I watched my boys watch this woman, a woman with no body fat, but perfect boobs, who was able to take her leg and put it over her shoulder...I wondered what was going through their minds. Luckily, son #3 let me know exactly what he was thinking when he covered his eyes and said "oh can see her underwear..". Kid, I don't think she is wearing any underwear- that looks like a full body stocking with tactfully placed sequins.....just a tad inappropriate for a cruise that had 850 kids on board.

Truthfully, I was more concerned that my boys would think all womens bodies bend like that....but then i remembered that I am their only female role model(heaven help them) and all they see me doing is bending down and picking up hopefully they will have realistic expectations of what women are capable of.....

Happy Sunday

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday November 21,2010

If I get arrested.....

Today we are leaving for the banji birthday family cruise...better known as "what the hell was I thinking". In the event that it does not go according to plan....plan being, sons#1, 2 and 3 get along perfectly, everyone ,besides me, finds something they like to eat, and husband #1 and I don't decide to get a quickie divorce in the Bahamas...please send this letter to the Norwegian cruise line police department...

Dear police chief:

It has come to our attention that you have arrested banji dawn latkin ganchrow for attempted murder. First of all, with a name like hers, you can't blame her for being a tad unhinged....but more importantly, the following reasons will shed new light on her situation and convince you to let her go free.

Packing for this cruise caused undue stress. It is very difficult to pack for three boys, four, if you include her first husband, when they all are picky about their food preferences. Ms. Latkin-ganchrow(no, she isn't a feminist, she just likes to annoy her first husband by using her maiden name)had to pack five packages of sprinkle cookies, six packages of not-too-well-done Stella doro cookies, six containers of pringles, three different kinds of Hershey kisses, two different kinds of soda, twenty four water bottles, three loaves of bread, four packages of cheese, six packages of turkey, three dozen rolls, a grilled cheese maker and a partridge in a pear tree-keeping in mind that the partridge would just not get into the suitcase.....

Once on board, sons # 1 and 2 deserted son#3, which caused that third son to run around the ship in a panic and then caused the captain of the ship to pull over in the middle of the ocean to reprimand her children. His exact words were "we are turning this ship around unless you kids can behave.". You can imagine her embarrassment and of course husband #1 was watching football in a bar(don't worry, he wasn't drinking...)somewhere on the other side of the boat and had no idea what was going on(surprising, I know).

In any event, it was just all too much for her and when she lined them all up and tried to throw them all overboard, something had come over her that she just couldn't control.

Please be lenient....she really is a good egg, deep, deep down.

Happy Sunday.....

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday November 19,2010

You just can't win.....ever

Because I am a totally selfless person, for my 40th birthday( yes, I know it's over, but it's all about me, so is it really ever over???) In lieu of diamond earrings, I told husband #1 that we should take our lovely boys on a cruise. HE wanted to go with just me(go figure) I thought it would be nice to take the kids on a vacation that didn't involve a motel 6 or peeing while the minivan was moving.

So for the last six weeks we have kept this secret from the kids. I was more excited about surprising them then I was about the actual cruise. Every time I would see one of those commercials on tv where the parents would surprise the kids with a trip to Disney world and the kids would scream their heads off with delight, I got so happy because I knew my kids reaction would be so similar and we would be making all of their dreams come true.

Who was I kidding??? What dream world was I living in. Son #1 informed me that he would rather stay home and I was ruining his vacation and son # 2 said he would rather go to a rams game in st Louis. The love and gratitude was just pouring out of everyone and I even said a few choice that I haven't said in years...(well, maybe not years..hours perhaps?) the worst part of the whole thing, at the time, the story gets even better, is that i had to admit that husband #1 was right...yes, there is a first for everything.(fortunately, my readership has gone down, so not as many people will see my admission) but am still hoping that the boys will change their tune.

The end of the story......son#2 was throwing up all night.......this can't be good....

Happy friday

Friday, November 12, 2010

friday november 12, 2010

now that i am forty....

Going through my closet last night, i realized that are certain things that i will never be wearing again. things i have been holding on to, but the combination of not having any girls to hand down clothes to and not getting any younger or acquiring any less cellulite(bad visual, i know, i apologize) it was time to let some of these items go.

These items included shorts i wore in camp hillel in 1990, anything i wore at the concord hotel between the years of 1986-1989 (say goodbye to all of those RELAX sweatshirts and matching leggings....), anything that had an ESPRIT label(for those of you from my generation, you know how cool esprit used to be...)and any pair of pants that were white or i wore on a date with guys before i dated husband #1....

at the end of the evening, there was a huge pile of clothing, sprinkled with my tears. Mind you, while i was purging my closet, i had xm sattelite 80s music on, which made me cry even more. It was a sight..crying, dancing and putting stuff in the pile(quick run to the fridge for a swig of mikes hard lemonade) and was quite the night. But i accomplished a lot. The good news is, i also got rid of a lot of fat clothes, which will only be a problem if i get really fat again....but thats for another time. I also got rid of all maternity clothes...if i need those again, that would certainly be a problem....

So now my closet is filled with only sensible 40 year old clothing, i mean clothing appropriate for a 40 year old. I have no idea what that means, but there are only clothes from this century in my closet now.(now in my mothers house, i am sure i could still find my sweet 16 dress...bat mitzva dress..etc etc etc)I feel pretty good about that, and husband #1 feels even better because now the closet isn't such a disaster.

As for the week in review....the highlight was son #2 coming home from israel in 1 piece. His bar mitzva is in 8 weeks. Dress shopping was not the highlight, as you can well imagine because i HATE shopping, but, it was successful so i will not be wearing my rick springfield tshirt to synagogoue,,,even though son #2 knows how happy that would make me...

Happy Friday

Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday November 5,2010

The week in review.....

It was a good week. So far forty has been fabulous, fantastic, fattening, and fun.....I only have one new person not speaking to me, didn't put on any weight celebrating this week and used my new "I'm forty and I'm letting it all roll off my back" attitude when dealing with both my mom and my father in it's been pretty great (as the ulcer is taking shape and growing...)

I have decided that I will be blogging once a week....on Fridays....unless something really interesting happens- like, someone at THE GYM eats a chocolate bar or i marry my boyfriend Rick...otherwise, Fridays it now that the above paragraph reviewed the week, I would like to discuss lulu lemon.....

Lululemon is a brand of exercise clothes that discriminates against fat people. Aren't fat people the ones who need to exercise?? Their clothing only goes up to a size 12. For the oblivious men who read this clothing sizes start at a size zero (Courtney cox) and continue through beyond size 22(oprah at her heaviest...) so a twelve is pretty average exept to people at THE GYM, when a twelve is
Their worst nightmare...anyway....i was in the mall today and I passed the store. In the window of the store is a mannequin- a plus size mannequin....a mannequin who would not fit into any of the clothes in the store (perhaps that is why she was naked...). I went into the store and asked the 5"10,100 pound saleslady why they would have a mannequin like that outside of the store and she looked at me with kind, hungry eyes and said "miss, we have some relaxed fit clothes if you need them....". Ouch. Even the mannequin cringed. The irony was totally lost on her and i went home and had some cheesecake.....

Happy Friday

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wednesday November 3, 2010


I am not supposed to be blogging anymore. I told everyone that I was done...I promised husband #1 that i was done...but, since I stuck to the promise about not blogging about his family, even with all of the good material that would have come from it...I am going to break the blogging promise because I need to report on how forty is going. Truthfully, I don't think anyone will even see this post, so I could probably write whatever I wanted and totally get away with it......but just in case, I will behave...

Forty has been pretty good so far. Still haven't had a heart attack while spinning, haven't started menopause a free shake at the gym(even though they claimed that they had no vodka to spice up the enticing berry-twig combination they call a drink) and today, I bought a sweater in the petit department in nordstroms and nobody pointed and laughed at me!!!!!! That's right, in the two plus days since i have turned forty, I am now a petite.....a petite large, but petite nonetheless......and while telling them about my favorite sweater dress from new years eve 1984, they couldn't believe I was forty!!! (yes, the denial is setting in..have no fear..who looks forty? Forty is the new twenty and my metabolism should be back any day now......)

So it's been good, thank god.

Happy Wednesday......

Monday, November 1, 2010

monday november 1,2010

what i know for sure
(taken without permission from oprah winfrey, for any of you who read the magazine..)

I turned 40 case you weren't aware of this fact. Since December 31 i have been keeping a blog. A blog filled with funny, stupid, mundane and sometimes just ridiculous information about me, my family and life in general. And it has been really fun. It has been fun getting positive feedback, it has even been fun getting negative feedback because what i know for sure, is that people are the quintessential enigma. You never know how any one person will take something you say or write or feel. Never. Ever.

What i know for sure is that i love sons #1,2 and 3 more than i ever thought humanly possible and i am so grateful that i was blessed with them. Husband #1 gets annoyed because sometimes i make the mistake of telling him that I love them more than i love him...but, lets be real, they are from me. They have the misfortune of living with a woman who is out of her mind, but they are my best audience and knowing full well that the day will come when they will love someone more than me, i plan on taking advantage of having them around until i let them go. And, even though you dont believe me, I will let them go when that time comes. Perhaps that blog will be called ohcrapimstuckwithjustariwhaththehelldoidonow...

What i know for sure is that the majority of people are full of crap, are full of insecurities and some of them, well, just need to eat something so they will be physically full and not be so damned cranky.

What i know for sure is that i received three birthday cards from husband #1, Son #1 and son #3 and the words Birthday (spelled "birtday") Summer (spelled "sumer") and Laugh (spelled "laf") were all spelled incorrectly...this made me realize that, perhaps, i am not the best mom in the world after all...or perhaps i am just paying way too much for tuition and not getting my moneys worth(though, one of the words was written by husband i can just blame that on his parents....that one was out of my hands...)

what i know for sure is that even though i spent tonight at a ranger game, a team that i dont even like, my kids (well not son #2 because he is in israel..) and husband #1 were really happy that i was there with them...and i told the boys that when they turn 40, they can tell their kids what a great mom I was to go to ranger game on such a big milestone in my life (ya..not a chance...but i can dream that they will say that...)

what i know for that i really dont know all that much....i know that i am too honest, i know that most people suck and you have to be lucky to find the good ones...and even if you think you have found the good ones-sometimes they end up sucking too so i really have nothing else to say on that subject except for good luck with that one....

On a scale of 1-10,i give the first 40 years about a 7 1/ for the next 40-the advice i have received from my many, many facebook friends ranged from "be happy you aren't dead" to "the next 40 will pleasantly surprise you with lots of good things...." I would like to go with the later of those two mentioned.

Holy crap I am 40....cant wait to see what the next chapter in my life holds in store....and i wish all of you only good chapters...

thanks for reading.

Happy Monday

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sunday,early,October 31, 2010

One day to go......

This was my last Saturday night in my 30's. I have had many crazy sat nights in my almost forty years, I have also had many pathetic-I-have-no-life-no one-will-ever-love-me Saturday nites(though not recently...) and tonight, was a really fun night...a perfect segway into, what husband#1 so kindly pointed out, my fifth decade..holy freaking crap MY FIFTH DECADE.....when did this happen?!?!?!?!

Anyway, tonight I went to a really happening bar in teaneck, was so happening that they had a bouncer, a velvet rope situation before you entered the premises, a cover charge..who knew that in teaneck, nj there was such a happening place. The only problem was the dj never heard of my boyfriend Rick Springfield, did not know about eighties music and kept playing the same techno crap over and over and over again. I still danced a little bit, though my friends who came with me were not as enthusiastic about dancing...but I still had a great time....and we were all home before midnight,..,holy crap, I really am going to be forty..home before midnight-and that was a real happening night for me(actually for all of us who went out....)

I know that I only have one more post after this....i really appreciate all of you who have been reading my nonsense over the past ten months....It saddens me that I won't be able to share with all of you the first time I get my hair professionally colored(and it turns purple,with my luck), the first time I realize that I am going through menopause(really looking forward to that), the first time I pee in my pants from coughing....the first time I meet my future daughters in law.....and the list goes on and on..all very exciting things....all things I know you are just dying to hear about...but, alas, all of this ends on Monday....when then first day of the rest of my life begins(but isn't that everyday??)

Happy sunday

Friday, October 29, 2010

friday october 29, 2010

is it inevitable?

my parents have always been pretty creative with gifts...they gave husband #1 and i a gift each month for the first year we were married (did they only think we would be married a year? hey, never thought to ask that questions...) anyway, now, for anniversarys, they give us gift certificates for take out places or restaurants (a gift for me because i dont have to cook and a gift for husband #1 in case he doesnt like my cooking..hey, never thought to ask that question either..) anyway, i am in the take out store and a jewish husband walks in and says to the man " i will take a pound of smoked turkey roll." " im sorry sir," the man behind the counter replied, "we only have smoked turkey OR turkey roll."

the jewish husband got a look of panic on his face...that look of "oh no, if i get the wrong thing, she will use this as an excuse not to have sex with me...she will use this as an excuse to scream at me...she will use this as an excuse not to have my parents over for another 6 months..." and i knew what was going to happen next..he took out his cell phone and dialed frantically, hoping that his wife would answer the phone, then answer him...and all would be right with the world again.

this is my do i avoid this happening to my sons??? how do i avoid them turning into quivering morons that dont know how to do anything on their own? somehow, my parents did this with my brother-he can cook, shop, clean, take care of the kids without any major disasters taking did they do this with him? i have absolutely no idea.

any suggestions would be appreciated.

happy friday

Thursday, October 28, 2010

thursday october 28, 2010

you can only do so much...

as a mother of sons, you have to accept certain facts...that no matter how many times you drive 80 miles an hour through residential neighborhoods to, hopefully, catch a school bus that your kid missed because even though you tried to wake him up 300 times, he doesnt hear/listen to you, and you still miss the bus and have to drive him to school in your pajamas while still having not even had your morning pee or brushed your teeth....that no matter how many times you cook 17 different meals because no one is happy with what is on the menu.... that no matter how many times you bring donuts to school because your kid texts you that he wants breakfast....that no matter how many times you refrain from taking your kids head and smashing it against a wall because he is being so difficult and tells you that everything you do it wrong and that you are the worst mother in the world.... are still going to end up in a nursing home with a beard and no teeth and the orderlies giving you cards on mothers day and on your birthday...holycrapim90 and i haven't seen sons# 1,2 or 3 in years....should i even be cautiously optimistic?

i love my boys (most of the time...242 days until camp starts-is it wrong that i know that already? hey, its on the website..if they started counting down, why cant i?) and no matter what they end up doing with me...i know that they know that i love them.

i will keep telling myself that on the bus ride to shady hills home for the wayward elderly....

happy thursday

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Wednesday October 27,2010

the dementia is setting in....and its not even my birthday....

ya, so yesterday i blogged about great inventions...and the invention i had seen at the mall, the one that prompted me to write about the other inventions, well, i forgot all about it.

folks, the greatest invention in the last 40 years is....spanx...for men. that's right....right there in nordstroms they have spanx for men. Now i dont think that spanx for women is a great invention-they are painful and ridiculous and you need to grease yourself to get into them-and if you dont have a hard time getting into them, it means that you dont need them in the first place...but spanx for men????? really???? upon reading the package, i have a feeling that the men who need them have....well, they have moobs-man boobs, poor guys. These spanx will help hold in your moobs- guess since they cant make sports bras for men, they needed spanx. i wonder what husband #1 will think if i buy him a pair for chanukah..though, he doesnt have moobs...he does have a large head, but they dont have spanx for that yet...though, they do have Big Melon Gear-for men with exceptionally large craniums-and that is where i order his baseball hats from. (unfortunately, i am not kidding...more unfortunately, husband #1 is not going to be too happy about what i have written about him-he doesnt mind that you know about the escort service however....go figure...never know what makes men happy....)

so spanx for men goes into the great invention hall of fame. Now, on an even more pathetic note, son #2 is going to israel saturday night with his paternal grandparents for his bar mitzva, and he wont be here for the big i wanted husband #1 to get me a surprise birthday cake for friday night family dinner. So, i went to the bakery and ordered my surprise that the saddest think you have ever heard? the man at the bakery couldnt stop laughing at me(at least he didnt call me a fat loser...just a regular loser...) when asked what i wanted written on the cake..well, that was easy "happy birthday ME".....yup yup yup...being a mother of sons..gotta get my own so sad on so many levels....

happy wednesday

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

tuesday october 26,2010

great opposed to great expectations, which i think was a book i was supposed to read in high school...

in 40 years a lot has changed...some of these things i have mentioned in previous the disappearance of the records and eight tracks and the appearances of gadgets like ipods that play music magically without any form of musical component-just magic! i have discussed the invention of "milky way in a jar." ..still haven't tried that one...though it speaks to me everytime i pass it in the supermarket..that isnt a landmark invention, but something new nonetheless....

gone is the small black and white tv from your parents kitchen and say hello to the 300 inch high definition movie screen that still cant show your teams football game when cable is fighting with fox..go figure (i, of course, who do not have cleaning help, have access to 7 thousand channels both here, abroad and in space....maybe that is why husband #1 doesnt let me pay or see the bills..well, that and the escort service...)

we have gone from rotary phones that didnt extend 12 inches from the wall to cell phones that your kids can easily lose in any location in the world..or mall...or school building...or neighbors car..or vikings game....and today i learned that they can take a card and put it in a new phone, press some buttons on the computer, say abracadabra and all the information from said missing phone..appears on the new phone...absolutely unbelievable..

yet, with all of these improvements, we still havent found a cure for lets all hope and pray that in the next 40 years, but hopefully much much sooner...that invention comes our way.

this blog took a totally unexpected turn for both of us....happy almost birthday to my dear dear friend who was the guest of honor last night (since i will not be blogging anymore when it is her actual birthday....) and let me paraphrase the wish her mom gave to me this morning...may the next 40 years only bring us good health and good times......

happy tuesday

Monday, October 25, 2010

monday october 25, 2010

one week to go..and then what?

last night i attended a beautiful wedding and had a fabulous time. why? because i really liked the people who made the wedding, i really like the person whose wedding it was and i really liked most of the people who were at the wedding!....look at that, i am not even 40 yet and already i am becoming a whole new postive/glass half full kind've middle aged woman. or...perhaps i am still just drunk from vegas...(just kidding!!)

speaking of vegas, i am happy to report that it only took 48 hours to start screaming at my family again...but i did it with a big smile on my face because i was thinking "what would donny osmond do?"..ya, back to life. back to reality...I know that husband #1 took care of HIS kids while i was away, and i appreciated that the house was still standing...but the cake and grapes from the weekend were still on the table where i left them...really? is our kitchen that big that the walk to the garbage by sons #1,2,or 3 was really too long?..perhaps we should down size...but they all survived and might have even been happy to see me when i got back..even though i was less than thrilled to be back and i am totally thinking of going away for 5 days every month(though the 5 days i would pick, and the five days husband #1 would pick are totally different...enuf said..)

Anyway....husband #1 (and i am sure assorted friends and acquaintances) cant wait for me to stop talking about this birthday already...but could one of you please remind him to get me a surprise birthday cake for this weekend? thanks.....and really, it is hard for me to stop talking about it because, truth be is all about me. no, really, it is....

thats all i got....

happy monday and happy birthday to rock!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Almost Friday October 22,2010

All good things must come to an end..but not before......

My sister and I have been planning this trip for almost a year..well, she has been planning it and I have just been talking about it and talking about it and talking about it. And now, here we are, sitting at the airport waiting for our flight home. Because that is plan, you wait, you get there and then, just like that..its over. But, man o man, was it a great trip. Eventhough there are still things that I cannot cross off of my bucket list (because they are either illegal or immoral..or both) was an awesome trip. And my sister and I are still speaking....

But, I must tell you about today, since it is still today for four more minutes(but this also counts as Fridays blog) we were walking back from the bellagio where we saw an awesome art exhibit-Picasso, Lichtenstein, Renoir...just incredible..anyway, we noticed the sun was out so we were racing back to our hotel to get an hour of sun(keep in mind that the word "racing" is being used generously because at this point in our trip we were a bit slow from walking so feel free to substitute the words waddling quickly for racing) and who do I see?!? I see Hugh Grant...walking down the street with sunglasses, a hat, sneakers.....I tell my sister who I have just seen and she goes racing ( now I am using the word literally...she moved really fast...)after him to confirm my identification and to get an autograph and a picture. That was not to be because the rumors about mr. Grant are quite true..he is an a&$&@@....that's heard what I said. So now, my sister has a lovely photo of hugh grant giving her the finger....kindve made the whole trip worthwhile....

So as our trip comes to an end, and our luggage weighs twice as much as when we got here, yet, we didn't buy a thing.....we can always look back at this past week with big smiles and great memories...happy birthday to my sister....and 11 more days guessed it, I'm forty.....holy crap...

Happy Friday (because not it really is Friday...well, not in vegas...but that's ok...)

Thursday,October 21,2010

But I don't want to go home......

Today, well, technically yesterday, was a great day. We had our free breakfast, which I am so hoping will magically appear in my kitchen Friday morning, and then we were off to explore the culture of Vegas. And their is sister aka the travel nazi, did the research. We saw a gorgeous botero sculpture at the Wynn hotel. For those of you who don't know what a botero sculpture looks like, imagine me, but black and naked...ok, well maybe you shouldn't be imagining that, but that is what the sculpture resembles...

We saw some more great pieces of art at city center which is an unbelievably gorgeous hotel situation with the most expensive shops..prada, gucci, cavalli, other names that I only know from sex in the city...and the architecture is incredible. Ok..none of this is funny..I apologize. Would it make you laugh to know that when I met Rita rudner tonight and she signed the book I bought, when I spelled my name for her and she gave me that look I get every single time I have had to spell my name for someone(usually more than once..) I told her that my mom was on crack when she named me and she laughed....sorry mom, I know that you weren't really on crack but it did make a world famous comedian laugh...highlight for me...even more than the football from fat Tuesdays filled with 50 oz of mango rum goodness....

So it was another great day in vegas...cannot believe I have to come home..sooo looking forward to looking for son #1's phone, reclaiming son 2's phone from it's current state of confiscation and finding son #3's ranger jersey.....also looking forward to doing laundry again and cooking for the sabbath queen..because even with 557 friends on Facebook, no one invited us for a meal this weekend....was I not supposed to write that? Anyway..on a final note, I want to thank my neighbor for coming over to make sure that husband #1 was wearing pants while I was gone....and he was.....

Happy Thursday.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wednesday October 20,2010


Flight to Vegas $ to Donny and Marie $137....sitting with your parents at a bar at the Wynn hotel .....priceless.

Yes kids, my parents had drinks with us. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I have parents, but the whole thing was a little comical. Donny and Marie were AWESOME..and Donny pinched my sisters nose and patted her on the head so she was in heaven (apparently, Donny is her Rick Springfield..who knew?!)

The only other story is about the mean man at the club we went to....he offered to by us drinks and we said no and he put his mouth to my ear and uttered a very bad word to me...I was not pleased. I told him that what he said wasn't nice and he told me that he could have me put in jail. I was very sad...good thing there was chocolate on my pillow when I got back to the room...though I know that if husband number one was with me, he would have defended my honor and beaten the guy up. Who am I kidding, husband number one never would have paid the cover charge to get in to the club in the first place...what can you do. I got to dance at a cool club in Vegas with my sister. And that visual alone should be making you laugh right now.

Tomorrow we have a very busy day...I have no idea what we are doing, I just smile at my sister and follow her so she doesn't yell at me...

Happy wednesday

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tuesday October 19, 2010

No you didn't just say that.....what happened to young and hip?!?!?

So here I am in Vegas with my sister. We are having a great time...not feeling so fat because there are,fortunately, more people larger than us...I know, I was surprised too-but I am not kidding...anyway, we are loving Vegas...sat by the pool, drinks are free from 5-8,shows have been's all good.

Tonight, we went to the top of the rio hotel to see the view and possibly dance. For those of you who don't know this about me, I love to dance. In fact, on any given afternoon, I have my iPod hooked up to the ihome while I am cooking or cleaning the kitchen, and I am dancing's a sight, but I love it. When I was younger, I pretended I was one of the solid gold dancers in my pretend gold lame bodysuit(didn't have the bodysuit, pretended I was wearing one, was actually wearing my Lanz of Salzburg nightgown..but who cares...)

We were excited that they let us into this club because the sign said "only those wearing young and hip clothing will be admitted." when we were admitted, I practically squealed with joy...did they realize that they let in a rapidly aging chick wearing skinny jeans from chicos?!
When we got to the top, the view was amazing, but the music wasn't so we left...hoping to find another "young and hip" location to dance.

Walking by a bar at our hotel, we asked the host where we could find places to go dancing. He was very helpful and told us a couple of hotels nearby would have what we are looking for. So I said "those places will let people our age in?" a look of horror came over his face..he looked at me, puzzled, and said "OUR age?!?!" like I meant we were the same age....this kid just finished nursing, did he really think I thought I was anywhere near his age.....when I cleared that up, he went back to drinking his juice box and my sister and got back in our
wheel chairs and went to sleep.

I still think I am young and hip....or young with's all perspective...

Happy Tuesday..for the record, it's after 1 am Vegas time and I am still awake......

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sunday October17,2010

Greeting from sin city...

I write to you high above the strip in the palazzo concierge lounge drinking champagne and eating peanut m&ms....the rams are winning, the dolphins are winning...which means my boys are happy and all is right with the world....

My parents should be here any minute......that's all for now..more tomorrow...sorry so short..

Happy sunday

Friday, October 15, 2010

friday october 15 2010

sewing oats and other random thoughts....

i am leaving for vegas on sunday. words cannot express how excited i am. am i excited for the plane ride by myself (well, with my sister, but i am not going to have to take her to the bathroom or take down her carry on or tell her to stop hitting her brother....) am i excited for 4 nights of peaceful, hopefully not bed bug, interupted sleep? the shows? the alcohol? lying by the pool watching all the silicone infused bodies pass me by? who knows...but it should prove to be an that i am looking forward to. I will hopefully be blogging from sin city-the tattoo parlor i have an appointment at has wireless, so that should really be a good one.

I am leaving husband #1 and sons 1, 2 and 3 with enough pants, powerade, coffee cakes and stella doro cookies to get them through the days that i will not be here. If you see any of them walking around town without pants, call the police....i told them that i am not bringing my cell phone but, fortunately, husband #1's parents are around so i am sure they will be able to help out. (my parents, on the other hand, will be in vegas...yes, you read correctly, they are going to be in vegas...that is for another blog...) but enough about that.

what a week it has been....after 5 long hours of bonding with the creme de la creme of the rick springfield fan club, i met my boyfriend. yes, i know he looks like he stepped right of out madame tussauds wax museum, but i love him. i have loved him since i was 11 years old...the only man i have loved longer than that is my there is a lot to be said for that. Rick and i had a lovely conversation...he remembered me and my birthday hat from his concert-i told him that i still had not washed my hair from where he kissed it (and confirmed that i was kidding, but i made rick springfield laugh and that made me so happy - especially with his history of depression and all...) it was a happy happy day. Got a great picture which once i figure out how to upload, will post it as my new blog picture, but dont get your hopes up because the fact that there is a picture on my blog at all is a miracle...

and now i have to go get ready for the sabbath queen, start packing, finish the laundry so in addition to the pants, the men in my life wont run out of underwear or socks....i do have my priorities..

happy baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wednesday october13,2010

200th post.....I am crazy....but not as crazy as....

At 8:26 this morning, I showed up at bookends bookstore in ridge wood because my boyfriend Rick is going to be here at 1 pm. Everyone said I was crazy to come so early....but, alas, I was not the first one here...because as crazy as I am, there are even crazier people out there-hard to believe..I know.

There are two scary looking sisters here, and when I say scary, visualize facial hair on the face, 80's hair on their heads and a good 30 pounds more than necessary on their bodies. They know Rick. They know his wife, his exgirlfriends, his touring schedule, his bowel movement schedule...they know him....but not intimately because then I would no longer love Rick because that would be frightening. They gave out bookmarks to all of us on line because they made 900 of them for ricks devoted fans. I am not kidding. 900 bookmarks..and they are nice, with magnetic bottoms so they really hold the page for you. I am beginning to feel more and more normal. Granted, I did park over a mile away so I wouldn't have to worry about getting a ticket..yes, I know I am having 19 people for Friday night dinner and I have yet to do any cooking or shopping, but I AM spending 5 hours on line.....but next to these other women, I am just fine (and almost anorexic looking...)

I am both happy and proud to be here...because, well, I just love the guy.....

Wish me luck getting a good picture....

Happy wednesday

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Tuesday, October 12,2010

But it IS all about me......

One of the many problems you have being narcissistic, is that you never pause to think how your life effects anyone else's. Because let's be honest, who really cares. If I go out of my house wearing an outfit that makes me look me absolutely ridiculous-who cares? Who cares if everyone talks about it...I think I look like hot crap and that is all that matters. If I wear a dress that is really a scarf and barely covers my buttocks-who cares ?

Well people, you should care....because then I talk about you to myself, to others and I am going straight to hell....I am not passing go, I am not collecting anything but shackles and fire and brimstone and it isn't going to be the next time you leave your house, really look in the mirror...ask yourself if you are Mariah Carey or are you a suburban housewife that needs to rethink the get-up you have on....

Man, that was not at all where I thought this blog was going.....what I wanted to write about was how yesterday, husband #1 and I spent the day together and when I started talking to him about next week, when I will be in Vegas sewing what's left of my wild oats, he got this big grin on his face......and that is when it hit me.....the poor guy can't wait for me to go. With all of his pouting and whining about how I am going without him, boo freaking hoo, the guy can't wait for me to leave.....will his mother be cooking him dinner every night? he taking the week off from work to watch all of his shows on the DVr that he never has time to watch.(mainly because he is watching sports upstairs?) who knows what he has planned....and that is ok......because i will NOT be worrying about it......sorry sweetie...5 days and counting, baby.....

Happy tuesday

Saturday, October 9, 2010

the eve of 10/10/10

i would be honored....

i get a congratulations...I am the proud mother of a 17 year old boy, who is hopefully getting his license on tuesday, because in exchange for my writing this blog, he will be driving my kids(his new brothers) around whenever i need him.

tonight this new son of mine, who we will call EZ, because those are his initials, asked me to be his back-up mom. Apparently he needs a mom who has no boundaries, no editing mechanism and an unnatural devotion to the 80's. Truthfully, i was flattered because my kids think i am annoying and most people think that i am crazy, so to have some actually WANT me to be a part of their life was truly flattering and appreciated. (does that mean i am supposed to appreciate husband number one because he chose to have me in his life? i dont think so because living with him is what has made me crazy with no editing mechanism!!!!!!!!)

so i am very excited to have EZ as my new son and the boys are thrilled to have a big brother. I gave him an example as to why i am not fit to be a mother....ESPN magazine had a supplement called "bodies" where they had all of these athletes in different athletic poses, but they were all naked(i enjoyed the shot of herschel walker, but i am sure the men preferred the womens water polo team....). It was really like soft porn..totally inappropriate for young i say to one of the sons(we wont single out which one) "as long as i dont find this hidden under your mattress, we are all good...." ya, think there was a problem with that line, but i am who i am. Husband #1's father has yet to teach him about the birds and the bees so there has to be a happy medium somewhere, and i hope to find that with my new 17 year old son.

welcome to the family EZ!!

happy saturday

Friday, October 8, 2010

friday october 8, 2010


while ironing, i was watching greys anatomy and a news brief popped up after a commercial about the 5 reasons why people are defriended on facebook. unfortunately, i did not see this newscast, because i am asleep WAY before 11 so i will have to make up my own top 5 reasons. This is only humorous to me because I have been defriended....i have defriended and last weekend in chicago we had a discussion about the whole defriending situation(before we all started throwing up.....). so, here we go..

Top 5 reasons why people defriend....

5. You didnt invite them to doesnt matter if it is a party of 2 or a party of 200....there is your reason to cut down your amount of friends...(i have never done this, but have had this done to me....)

4. They are related to your husband/wife and you dont want them to see derogatory remarks about family.....(because what says "i love you" more than a status update that reads " so and so is finally divorcing the schmuck...."

3. They are democrats......(i have defriended democrats, and i am proud.....though i am sure they aren't all so ra-ra-obama now....for another blog, not written by me)

2. They are republicans.....(why would anyone defriend a republican...)

and the number 1 reason why people defriend on facebook....

1. Because they can and it is quite powerful.....(and because most people are evil...only the exceptions are good.)

thats all i got today....have a great sunny weekend...just pointing out that it is a year since son #1's bar mitzva.....and a year since i have had scotch...

happy friday

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Wednesday October 6,2010

My worst fears realized.....

So thanks to my friend and the 6 free months that she won, I have been attending The Gym for the past 2+ months. It has been going ok so one has tried to harpoon me, no one has mistaken me for one of the exercise balls...I make little eye contact, do my workouts and leave before anyone starts chasing me with a pitchfork......until today.

I have been going on a pretty regular basis, come in through the front door, swipe my card...the staff usually ignores me because I am not famous, skinny or drunk upon I walked in this morning, swiped my card..walked in towards the stairs to the spin room and one of the employees, one that I have met several times..stops me and says"I need you to show me your card." "but i swiped it when I walked in.." I said, nervously, hoping he wasn't going to press the fat alarm..."oh, you have been here before." oh god, please don't say are you sure that you , aren't looking for dunkin donuts.....please, don't say Who let you in here?......."ok," he said....and I quickly ran upstairs, or as quickly as a gal my size can make it up all of those stairs......

Did the treadmill...took the spin class with the psycho instructor and kept up just as well as the skinny minis whose boobs don't move....left without looking at the moron who questioned my place at THE GYM.....and went on my merry way....

Don't think i will be joining that scary place when my six months is up.....

Happy Wednesday

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

tuesday october 5, 2010


ya, so in less than four weeks, i, banji dawn latkin-ganchrow, will be forty years old. my mother's 40th surprise party was at the lasters house in fair lawn. the lasters are no longer together, though i am sure that the house is still there and thank god my mom is still around so its all good. i know you all know that i am going to be 40...heck, i am amazed, surprised and blessed at how many of you still read this stupidity knowing that in no point in the past few months or the next 3 1/2 weeks am i go to a cure for cancer 2. be discovered by ellen or oprah and end up on tv 3. publish a new york times bestseller 4. be on the cover of the sports illustrated swimsuit which one of those threw you off the most? i bet number 4 scared you the most!!! dont deny it...that would be any you what i dream about (well some of you know who i dream about...the hot guy from the dallas cowboys, my boyfriend rick....husband #2...ha ha ha?)

when i look back on these first 40 years, i have accomplished a lot-i mean it really is all relative...i wrote an article in college titled "marriage-the final solution" and it is still being quoted to this day....i had a piece published in the ny times metropolitan diary-granted, it was in 1991, but it is still on a masters degree..watched high school kids pee in a cup so i could drug test them(that is when i was a working girl...or, a girl who worked, though there is a market for working girls my size....)got married, produced three awesome boys who will, dear god please please please, be good husbands so their wives wont have me commited....consumed an unhealthy but enjoyable amount of nutrasweet filled products and cheesecake...made some great friends(and some not-so-great friends-but that is for another blog-trying to maintain my positive out-of-towners attitude)..traveled..saw an equally unhealthy amount of baseball games...all wonderful..all fulfulling because this is my life and these are the things that i have chosen to do with it....but sensing that my sanity is going almost as fast as my editing mechanism...the next 40 years should be really interesting :)

perhaps i should have saved these reflective ramblings for my last post...but i am planning to piss off many people in that one-KIDDING!!(or am i???....)

happy tuesday

Monday, October 4, 2010

Monday,October 4,2010..less than month to go...

The great Skokie stomach virus.....

When I last blogged, I told all of you how excited I was to be with my friend deva in her new hometown. I joked about the differences between spending the holiday with her "then and now"....well, the joke was on me because "then" we would throw up because we drank too much(well, not me or her,but other people...) and now we were throwing up because apparently, there had been some virus going around skokie(among other things...which we won't go into...) and as pleasant as the first few days were, I can tell you first hand that the chopped liver from Romanian deli is much better going in than coming out.....yuck yuck yuck....(I can also tell you that there was no candy or alcohol in synagogue...guess they figure if the adults can't have fun, why should the kids.....)

So what did I learn from being In an entirely different Jewish community? Yes kids, they are all the same....equalLy unfriendly. Now before all of you out-of-towers come at me with a should just know that I did the "experiment." "what is the experiment?" I am so glad you asked that question. The experiment is when you say hello to a fellow synagogue goer, one you do not know from a hole in the wall, and they respond to you with a look of sheer terror and astonishment and then quickly look away as if avoiding being turned to stone.(who knew I had that superpower....if only...) yes, I know, not everyone responds that way, but it made me feel better knowing that it just isn't the hungry skinny minis of my hometown that act that way....maybe that is the new friendly....who knows. I was just really happy to be with my friend and her family....and not to have put on any weight ..(see, there I go again being all positive and sunny, maybe being out of town really did make me a better person!)

Happy Monday

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

wednesday september 29, 2010

another "then and now" blog...

first things first...son #1 will be 14 on friday...i cannot even believe it, but what makes me happy is that, despite being 14 years older, 14 years ago i weighed close to 250 pounds- unfortunately, i kid you not...and as low as my self esteem is, i look pretty darn good now compared to 14 years ago...son #1 has only gained 67 pounds since he was that either means i deprive my child of proper nutrition or DAM does that kid have a great metabolism!!(something that he did not inherit from me...clearly...)

another friend deva and i used to spend many a single simchat torah together, and now, we are spending a married-with-children simchat torah together in beautiful chicago, illinois. and though i loved going to dayton, it makes me so happy to see her back in a community that has, well, kosher restaraunts.....(food-that is what is important because food is love.)

though our conversations will be much different now than they were when we were single...

"he is kind've cute..i wonder what he does for a living"

"do i really have to share a room with husband #1??"

"ok..lets walk 40 blocks to so and so's apartment so we can see who is there and then, we can cut through the park and see who is hanging out there...."

"please tell me we can be asleep before 9 tonight...."

"so i have an outfit for the morning which i will wear with the shoes with wedges and then i have that dress i can wear with the boots and then i brought....."

"is it ok if i wear the same thing to shul all three days?"

but it is all good, because we both look exactly the same to eachother (and probably our husbands) and all is right with the world.....

happy wednesday

Monday, September 27, 2010

Monday,September 27 2010

It's all my fault part deux...

I told son #2 that it would be a fabulous idea to go to Hershey park today...even convinced a bunch of his friends to go with him...I am not winning any mother of the year awards from that kid anytime was I to know that it would rain all. Day. Long...

My dad was supposed to take son#1, son#3 and me to the met game tonight....of course it is my fault that we can't go because it is still raining...I am a terrible person..I am sorry...

What is not my fault, that I know for certain(I hope) is that ari's grandmother died Friday night. bubba Katie was one of four sisters...her maiden name was wallach and that is why son #3's middle name is pay tribute to the family name that wasn't able to be passed on. She was an incredibly strong woman who was able to pick herself up after her husband died and support herself and her sons...send them through med school, college...she was an awesome woman. The last few years of her life had not been the most desirable..she wasn't able to see or walk very well, but she never complained (though she did ask my boys how their sister was so they knew she wasn't entirely herself)

May her special neshama have an Aliyah.....and i would like to thank her for telling god to postpone tonights mets game so now the boys aren't so disappointed..

Happy monday

Sunday, September 26, 2010

sunday september 26, 2010

best almost birthday EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my sweet 16 was awesome. great dj in my parents basement. the invitaions looked like 45's- those are small record albums for those of you who think 45's are 45 year old people.... and records, well, just google it for godsake, google will explain to you what a record is...all of my friends were there, good food(of course) and i got my first real, real kiss from my high school boyfriend, under the apple tree, in my parents was just like a john hughes movie(you can google him too, god rest his talented soul) it was the perfect evening.

then came the 1 month before my 26th birthday, when i gave birth to son #1...he was the best birthday present...he made me a mom and changed my life forever and for the better....

but last night....oh, last night, sorry son #1...last night....i got kissed by my real, true boyfriend...that is right, Rick Springfield kissed me and wished me a happy birthday...i was having such heart palpitations that i thought i was going to drop dead of sheer, pure, blissful, joyful,happiness.....i felt a little bad for the guy because he kissed the top of my head, which after the three-day holiday was not smelling like fresh coconuts...but i will not be washing that part of my head for a very very long time. (totally kidding about that, btw, which stands for by-the-way for those of you who knew what a 45 was.....)

it was the best night ever...and now, when i go see my boyfriend at his book-signing in ridgewood on October 13th(his book, late late and night comes out on October 12th for those of you who are interested...yes, i know that NONE of you are interested, but, a girl can try to promote her boyfriend's work..)...we can continue where we left off....sorry husband #1, but this is all your were the one who arranged it all!!!!!

happy happy sunday

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

tuesday september 21,2010

its all my fault

part of the joy of being a mom is taking responsibility that everything is my fault.

"but i dont like the blue pants..."
-my fault

"my computer isnt working"
-my fault

"i cant find the piece of paper with my homework on it"
-my fault

"he is being annoying"
-my fault

"why did the viking/rams/panthers lose??"
-totally my fault as i am the scout for all of those teams....

why do the mets keep losing?"
-so not my fault...that one i cant claim as my own....

it is always nice to start out a beautiful sunny day with everything being my fault. it is a great responsibility being so powerful.....

fortunately...when i show up at 6:30 with son #1's goalie equipment, he will give me a big smile and hopefully forget about all of the horrible things in his life that are my fault....

Happy Thursday

want to take this opportunity to officially welcome Isaac Rand Freilich into this world....named after my grandfather Isidore Irving Freilich-sweetest man ever to walk this earth.....may Isaac grow up with all of the wonderful attributes that his namesake had.....

Monday, September 20, 2010

monday september 20, 2010

so easy..even a child could do it...unless they are sitting on the couch watching football....

the jewish holidays are the most wonderful time of year...we get together with family and friends(or friends that we like more than our family)..we eat good food(noodles and chicken nuggets)...we go to synagogue for meaningful prayer services and enlightening speeches(or hear the latest non-gossip from our neighbor, because gossiping would be bad....)...we joyously spend lots of time, energy and money at various supermarkets, butchers, fruit stores and really is a special time.

especially the whole hut/sukkah building thing. there have been times when i make fun of husband #1, but this time of year...well, this time of year is when we do our best non-communicating. god has blessed me with three sons...all of whom seem to take after their fault, i know, but hopefully we will work on changing that. thank god for our friend, our friend with four daughters, who comes to our house every year to put up our sukkah. one year, husband #1 thought he would "woo" me by actually PAYING some kids to do it...that was a nightmare. more than a nightmare...and then our friend had to come anyway to fix the mess.....but, i won't be getting into the building part anymore...

yesterday's weather was beautiful. it is supposed to be like that all week. this might only be a problem because while trying to decorate the sukkah, it was soo hot in there that either i was having the greatest hottest hot flash of all time, or, i am going to be serving my company ice cream, ices and just plain ice HOLY COW WAS IT HOT IN THERE!!!!!!!!! i had to stop decorating, which was a good thing because, frankly, my sukkah decorating totally sucks...i thought i would be clever and use the leftover animals from son #1's bar mitza..but it ended up looking like a slaughterhouse in there....painfully horrible...i will not be winning any decorating awards this year(or any year, for that matter) but son #2 promised me we would make chains this week.....and i have fond memories of staying up late with my brother and making those same chains because our parents would let us watch tv that night....good times...

no more babbling...enjoy the holidays

happy monday...

Friday, September 17, 2010

friday september 17, 2010

keep my fingers crossed...

tonight begins yom kippur, the day of atonement....i am so screwed.

dear god...please forgive me for being me, most of the time. please forgive me for being so moody with my kids that they have already told me that they aren't marrying anyone who is moody (ha ha ha...good luck with that boys, we all seem pleasant all the time in the beginning...but then you all seem perfect at the time too so that is life...)please forgive me for talking bad about others, even if it is true, but also please recognize that i never pretend to be someone who i am not, and i refuse to be nice to people who i really dont that really so wrong?!?!

but most importantly, please dont hold my actions against my parents, my sibling, my husband or my children or the friends that i do really like(which changes from day to day, but you are god and you know who i am talking about...) and grant them all a year filled with only good health, and good things. and, if you could include me in that also, i would soooo appreciate it..isn't it enough that i am turning 40?!?!?!?!?!?!?

easy fast and a gmar tov to all...

happy friday

Thursday, September 16, 2010

thursday september 16,2010

this blog is intended for mature audiences only...viewer discretion is advised.

lets face it...i have 6 1/2 more weeks of this blog. i will be freakin 40 years old in 6 1/2 weeks and i must be honest with myself...i am starting to look it. though, i think when i look in my mirror, i am still 16, when i see my reflection in mirrors elsewhere, i am one, tired, graying, sorry looking broad....and there isn't a thing i can do about it. i go to sleep early, and wake up in the middle of the night without the ability to fall back asleep, it is really and truly pathetic. i am counting down the weeks to vegas, and hope i can muster the energy to stay up past 11 each night that i am there...(who am i kidding, i am not really worried about vegas...)on to the topic at hand...

some friends of mine were having a discussion about boobs.(where did that come from??) fashion designers seem to favor women with smaller boobs and then those women (of course) look better in their, my mantra for the past few years has been "i dont care how big they are, as long as they are healthy." being a mom of boys i have always been careful what i wear around the house because, lets be honest, they do hang low and they do wobble too and fro and no one needs to be seeing that....where do they end and my stomach begins?? oh my....

when i was younger, i remember my sister reading me a test from one of her magazines-mademoiselle, glamour..i dont remember which one(though i do remember that i wasn't allowed to touch the magazine...the fact that she let me into her room at all was quite the little miracle so i just stood and followed the instructions she gave me...)i could not have been older than 13 at the time and the the two of us took the "boob test." according to this scientific article, if you place a pencil underneath your boob and it fell to the floor well, you were perky and in great shape. i was so happy when that pencil fell to the floor....and now, with 6 1/2 weeks til 40, i could hide one of those costco size packages of crayons under there and they would stay safe and sound and warm....ya, no more passing the perky test. but, i am a H U GE fan of the underwire.....(huge, no pun intended....)

this getting old thing...everything heads downward...your hair falls out, creases form, you try to stand up straight but there are things on your body pulling you down down try to keep smiling you so dont get frown lines, but then you develop wrinkles from neck starts heading down, and the list goes on and on and on.....

but, what is the alternative? i might be saggy, but i saved ari THOUSANDS of dollars on baby formula by doing it the natural way(ugg too much information...when will she stop? MAKE HER STOP....) i will take each day as it comes and embrace the gift of having that day.....i will smile at strangers and say good morning, even when they look at me like the crazy person that i am.....and i will thank god for all of the miracles in my life.....and wear supportive undergarments...amen.

happy thursday

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

wednesday september 15,2010

yet another - you know you are getting older when-....

last night was open school night. i like to be positive and compare open school night to open heart surgery, open wound care, open brain i said, all far, son #3 seems to have them all fooled, but that isnt what this is going to be about...

you know you are getting older when you finally fit into the desks in your kids class room....(or i have just lost more weight than i thought...)no more of those little chairs when you have to contort yourself to keep your legs together because you have to wear skirts to these lovely shindings...

you know you are getting older when some of the parents in the classroom look like they should be in fourth grade with your kid...who are these parents and why dont they have any wrinkles? or gray?

you know you are getting old when you see that you are going to be out after 8 pm and the thought of that makes you tired...would it be really that bad if i showed up in my pajamas????

you know you are getting old when the teacher looks so young that you ask to see their diploma to make sure they really graduated high school...forget about college-can these teachers drive yet??

you know you are getting old when you keep blogging about getting old....

happy wednesday

happy birthday to my late grandmother, sylvia. she would have been 97 today. i would like to thank her for my hair, for my son #2's cute nose and for my lack of editing mechanism...and most importantly, for my dad......

Monday, September 13, 2010

monday september 13, 2010

and there go the rugelach....

this is a sad blog, with a sprinkling of humor. mrs. cooper died today. this is sad on many levels, the first being that mr cooper died less than a year ago, the second being that she was a really lovely lady and the third being that she leaves behind three very sad children, 14 very sad grandchildren and several great-grandchildren who will never have the joy of really knowing either of these wonderful people. though it isn't my job to eulogize them, the reason i speak of them is because they were my next door neighbors in fair lawn for my whole life, well, the life before the life i have now. they watched me grow up, get married,made sheva brachot for me, have kids...they had the spare key for when i was locked out of the house when my mom would take my sister shopping and forget about me....good neighbors and really good people.

though there are many things i could write about mrs cooper, i have to take this opportunity to write about her rugelach. her crunchy, scrumptious cinnamon rugelach..some had raisins, some did not...they were magical. i would have to sneak in as many as i could before anyone noticed because mrs cooper was in cohoots with my mom about me being chubby and not eating so much. so i would have to secretly place my hand under the saran wrapped dish and grap what i could before being discovered. but the rugelach i was "allowed" to eat at dessert time...those i would savor. i would bite along the pattern where they were rolled and enjoy every morsel....and their house always smelled liked baked goods.....what could be bad....unfortunately, no one has the recipe. I would joke about it with her daughter and daughters in law....but it is no where to be found.. may the angels in heaven enjoy them as much as i did.....

baruch dayan emet.

happy monday

Sunday, September 12, 2010

sunday september 12, 2010

oh what a religion.....

i know it is a faith based religion, i know that we are not supposed to question, i know i know i know....but, i would like to discuss the concept of tashlich. For any readers who do now know what this is, tashlich is when we go to a body of water on the first day of the jewish new year celebration and we "throw away" our sins into the water....fresh start for a new year. This has always been a social situation, going back to even when my mom was young and she would tell me that you would find all of your dates for the year at tashlich (meeting men, throwing away your sins...its all the same...)Now, of course, it becomes a situation where i see people that i dont like or dont want to talk to and i accumulate even more sins that i have to dispose of..i just cant win....

anyway, in years past, we would come with our stale challah bread and use those pieces as our sins....throwing the bread into the water and watching the ducks come and eat our transgressions. well, apparently, someone from the wildlife foundation was not happy about its animals eating the sins of jews around the world and the rabbis came out with an edict that you can no longer throw bread, because it makes the animals work and that is prohibited on the holiday. OH MY FREAKIN LORD.....isnt it enough that i would have to lug around 500 pounds of bread to cover all of my sins....and now, what am i supposed to throw? rocks? will that kill the ducks? why can't anyone work with me on this....if i am going to hell anyway, can't i be nice and feed some animals along the way?

just add it to the list of questions i will never have an answer to....but happy and healthy new year to all...

happy sunday

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

tuesday september 7,2010

the good old days......

remember when it was time for the jewish holidays and all you had to worry about was which new outfit you were going to wear? when you dreaded the long services and were always thinking of new excuses to walk out, but knew exactly when to come back in in order to avoid getting in trouble with your parents? remember when the only thoughts of the new year were which new fruit you were going to try and how much challah and honey you could eat?...ya, those were good times...

and now, all these years later and older, seriously, how i am doing all of this cooking when 1. my kids only have 7 hours of school this week 2. my family doesnt eat anything exciting or having to do with the holiday theme ie, honey cake, honey anything, apple cake, apple anything-you get the point.3.mickey and minnie are living in my house and i am afraid of the kitchen....3.worrying about what the new year will bring-disease, death, destruction or, will it be happiness, healthiness and successful weight loss? 4. is the person sitting next to me in synagogue this year someone who likes me or someone who will give me dirty looks for wearing the same outfits i wore last year (and the year before and so on and so on and so on....)5. if i wear a doiley on my head instead of a hat, will my fate for the new year be different? 6. will i actually drop dead on my 40th birthday because i will "die from the anticipation?" 7. will my kids be ok? 8. will my parents be ok? 9. will tuition go up again because i didn't pray hard enough?

crap, life was better when all i had to worry about was my mom not catching me sneaking my favorite cookies out of the box from the bakery before company showed up.....

here is wishing all of us a happy and healthy new year, filled with ONLY good things..and preferably no rodents...yuck yuck yuck......

happy tuesday

Monday, September 6, 2010

monday, september 6,2010

taboo subjects.

there are many things people dont like to talk about. eating disorders, psychiatric disorders, marital problems(ok, well some of us like to talk about those), issues with our in laws or siblings, lice and mice.

well, my name is banji and i have mice, well, a mouse, or two. son #1 thought he saw one when i was in maryland, so husband #1 bought some "have a heart" mouse traps. I noticed some, yuck, mouse poop on shabbos, we set the traps. we called the exterminator...he came today and i said "well, we set the traps, but didn't catch anything..." and then mike the exterminator looked in the traps and said "did you put anything in these traps?" oh my god...the mice ate the cheese and the traps didn't work. Husband #1 bought crappy traps...they must have been on now, not only do we know that mickey is living in the house, he is well fed!!!!!!!!!!!!! we totally suck!!!

so mike located the source of mickey, and possibly minnie(who, according to google has a gestational period of 18-21 days...yuck, yuck and double yuck) set some traps and is coming back tomorrow morning. "what time works for you?" he asked "ANYTIME YOU WANT TO COME I WILL BE HERE!!!!!".....i certainly hope that will be the end of mickey and minnie because if i have one more mouse nightmare...yuck yuck yuck

hope this won't deter anyone from marrying my sons.....(because apparently i will be enough of a deterrant....)

happy monday

Friday, September 3, 2010

friday september 3, 2010

serenity now...SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the serenity prayer is, in my opinion, an awesome mantra...

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change (kids who dont like to do homework, kids who cant understand why i am still sticking to the "no tv during school" rule(man, it has only been two days, give me a freking break), kids who dont like anything i cook for them, husbands who...well....must i go into that?)

the courage to change the things i can (i can adopt new kids, i can stop talking to more people who annoy me and are full of crap, i can change my hair color since i have so many new bald spots from pulling out the undesirable hair color, i can lose weight if i dont eat after 6 pm, i can get a new husband(kidding, ha ha ha?)

and the wisdom to know the difference....ya, that is the line i have trouble with. I managed NOT to lose my temper when son #3 insisted that i didn't know what a ram's horn was made from-dude it is called a RAM's horn....and not because they play for the i am not a total idiot...but, i DID lose my temper at son #2 when he started bothering son #3...and i really lost it...god grant me the serenity to not turn into psycho mom and alienate my children....maybe i will just keep repeating that one.

happy friday

Thursday, September 2, 2010

thursday september 2, 2010...less than 2 months to go


though we think we are in control of things, we really aren't. Is that why we tend to count down to things instead of counting up? counting down to when school starts, counting down to when camp starts (and then when it ends...) to joyous occasions? Because we know when those things is the things we dont know about, that we dont know when they will happen, those are the things that scare us-and because of that, that is probably why we have no count down to them.

I was thinking these thoughts because son #1 starts high school today. I remember when i started high blouse, plaid jumper that had detachable straps so it could be worn as a skirt as well(very fashionable in 1984) and though i tried to have the hair cut where you could basically flip the sides of your hair back, i had curly hair so it looked more like i had wings...but i tried and that was during my week of being a size 6 (as i had grown several inches that summer...)it was all good and all exciting. But as several people have said to me, and i had said to my friend when her son started high school(and now he already is a , gasp, junior) the next 4 years F L Y by.....i even said that to son #1-though the next four years might feel S L OW..(ie bio, chemistry , physics..oh my) before you know are packing for your year in israel and i am crying all the time(instead of just some of the while i am writing this.)

i will not be counting down these next 4 years...i will be savoring them...because i am fully aware that having sons DOES mean having to say goodbye (unless they prove me wrong. pleasepleaseplease)...though, i will be counting down to camp again, when they come home and dont want to do their homework, and dont want to eat the dinner i made for them, and dont help clean off the table...etc etc etc

here's wishing all of our kids a healthy, productive(though not reproductive if they are still in high school, no matter how happy bristol palin seems to be) and HAPPY year......

happy thursday

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

tuesday august 31, 2010

son #3

10 years ago today, my friend put me into labor by having her baby a week early. I remember like it was yesterday, calling her house to see how she was feeling and having her mother in law answer the phone telling me she was in labor and my saying "she cant be in labor, we aren't due for another week-how come im not in labor??" and then, i went into labor.

Not knowing that it was a boy, but assuming that it would be, and being that it was thursday and that husband #1 was not equipped to set up for a shalom zachor, i ignored the pains and took out table cloths, cleaned the basement and got everything in order. Husband #1 was happy because he knew that he would be spending the weekend with his parents, while i was in the hospital, by myself...all alone...with no one to talk, i dont hold grudges.....anyway..

1:30 am, friday, September 1, 2000, the dr says "in my 30 years of experience, this baby has short eyelashes and it is a girl.." and I said "hey, doc, my husband has to make a shalom zachor without me, would you just pull the rest of HIM out??" and there he was...son #3.....

keep in mind that son #1 wasn't yet 4 years old...and i had these 3 adorable little boys...who continue to be adorable 92% of the time....which, i guess, is a pretty good percentage...

happy tuesday

Monday, August 30, 2010

monday august 30, 2010 happy 10th emily!!

great inventors...or were they??

the inventor of high heels...a man who hated women? or a really really short person?

the inventor of the bra...a man who hated women? or a really really well endowed woman who was sick of tripping over herself?

the inventor of spanx...a man who hated women? or a woman who hates other women?(for the record, i do not wear spanx, tried a pair on before son #1's bar mitzva and laughed so hard trying to get myself into them, that i almost needed depends...enough said.)

unquestionable geniuses...jonas salk, thomas edison, ben franklin(i am referring to his bifocal invention, which kyra sedgwick wore proudly on the emmys last night and she totally rocked them....i, of course, will be needing them soon and will not rock them quite like she did, but i am also not married to kevin bacon so what did you expect?)

and now, let us discuss the inventor of the slumber party.... a man who hated his mother? or a really really demented insomniac who thought it would be fun to invite others over to share in his misery? were his intentions honorable or sadistic?

I will let you decide. the things we do for our children.

happy monday

Saturday, August 28, 2010

saturday august 28, 2010 be young..

i have the privelage of babysitting for my twin niece and nephew for the second time this year. 5 nights this time. it has been a different experience because this time, home base is my parents house and not mine, so i am basically here for the 2 am wake ups. the 5 am wakeups, the 5:30 am diaper change..etc etc....what's funny is that my niece always seems to know which woman is in charge. when she was at my house in january, she followed me around, here, she follows my mom around...i guess she doesn't want to miss anything.

but really, is there anything cuter than when a 2 year old comes up to you and says "I have a big big doo doo...." i guess it is better than being called a big big doo doo. and the great thing about twins, is that once you finish changing one, the other one comes up to you...and...well, you get the picture.

they are cute, but man do i appreciate the fact that my baby is going to be 10 and i no longer have to watch him to make sure he doesn't fall down the stairs, eat inappropriate objects, go near outlets, pull down things from shelves....ya, you get the picture again.

going to sleep now, yes, it is only 8:30...but, someone will be up soon and as cranky as i am with sleep, that is how much crankier i am without it...

happy saturday

Thursday, August 26, 2010

thursday august 26,2010

the art and business of school supplies

back in the days of little house on the prairie, laura ingalls and her friends would go to school with a piece of coal fashioned as a pencil and a tablet of writing paper that Pa saved up for all year by doing extra harvesting in his neighbors yard. That is all laura needed and it served her well because she ended up marrying Almanzo(what was his name?) and all was right with the prairie.

when i was younger, my mom would take us to Drapkins..which was a stationary store in ridgewood. we went to town with binders and book covers and writing utensils and stuff we totally didnt need, but it was all new and shiny and we had to have it. Then, we would watch the us open and cover all of our books....some of us never ended up opening those beautifully covered books and some of us did rather well in school....

fast forward to my kids and their school suppplies. Really? are they serious? composition notebooks again? every year, they come home with the red one and the blue one and the black one and then the "color of their choice"(because the school wants to make them feel that they have a choice...)...and all of them only have between 2 and 5 pages used. Now, god forbid i should rip out those pages and let them reuse them again-that would be a tragedy and i might be arrested by child services. They need brand new composition notebooks. Fine, but that is the least of it.

Apparently, my children are being trained by the cia or the fbi because they need special spiral notecards and special folders with hidden compartments and special pencils and calculators and usb's and all of this other stuff....hmmmm, ziploc bags, container of coffee, pancake mix...wait a second-school supplies or breakfast for the teachers? (ok, i exaggarate, a bit...dont want to offend any teachers....especially the ones that have my sons....) I used to go to walgreens late at night when the manager would rather be smoking in the back than actually helping anyone and he would end up giving me everything on sale-it was a sweet deal. but now that walgreens is closed and i decided that the kids will have to hunt through the house for folders in fuschia, magenta, sunshine yellow and chameleon green(why those colors? who knows....i just do as i am told)

but in the end, no matter how much or how little they use the 5 thousand pencils that i have to sharpen for them in the pencil sharpener that came with our house that i think lauran ingalls might actually have used back in the day....i just want them to be happy and love school.

how is that for wishful thinking?

happy thursday

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

tuesday august 24, 2010 happy belated birthday rick springfield....

Nanny McPhee....if it was only so easy.....

So after seeing Nanny McPhee returns(which was much better than the jennifer aniston movie...btw) i had to watch the first Nanny Mcphee movie tonight. For any of you who haven't seen it, and i hope i dont ruin it for you, because they are both real nail of the main points of the movie is that Nanny Mcphee is really scary looking...warts on her face, rosacea, bulbous nose, one snaggle tooth, big saggy bosom and figure to match-frighteningly ugly.(the other main point is that every time she bangs her stick, sparks fly out, which just proves my theory that a little electroshock therapy isn't necessarily bad for you kids....) Yet, every time, the children listen to her...something unattractive about her disappears....hmmm wouldnt that be nice??

"kids..please, for the 1 millionth time, could you please stop killing each other?!"

"yes mommy..."

10 pounds come right off.

"kids, could you please turn the goddam tv off and do your homework?!?!"

"yes mommy"
wrinkles around eyes vanish

"kids, could you please clean your rooms, put away the dirty dishes and empty the garbage cans!?!?!?!"

no more gray, nose loses an inch and cellulite is gone... that would all be a neat trick....and i am talking about the kids cleaning their rooms, putting away the dishes and taking out the garbage...the stuff that would happen to me-for the right price..anything is possible.....

happy tuesday..and if anyone sees my boyfriend rick springfield, please tell him that i am SO SORRY for missing his birthday.....i am a terrible girlfriend.....

Monday, August 23, 2010

monday august 23, 2010

greetings from the heartland....

if you are what you eat and the clothes make the man....then what does it say about you if you have boats on your lawn or a flatbed trunk parked outside your front door? (and NOT on the driveway...i am taking right in front of your front door-like when the police go in through the back, you can just open the front door and jump in and drive away....oh, maybe that is why it is parked like that....) welcome to where i am now..columbia maryland. Yet, just down the road is this awesome mall with a nordstroms and everything-go figure.

i have been realizing lately that some of my blogs have had nothing to do with the fact that i am turning 40 in just 2+ i would like to make this one about that. Everytime i am at my sisters house and use her guest bathroom with the awesome "gray hair" lighting mirror-there are more gray hairs. Depressing. especially because my sister, who is 6 years older than i am, is blonde and has no gray. How is that possible? Last night, we went to see the new jennifer aniston movie.....the movie is really really bad. dont pay to see it...but while i was sitting there with my sister, i kept making comments like "wow, she is wearing a lot of makeup" and "look how old her hands look" and "that jason bateman is so cute i wonder if i can get a new poster of him to hang next to the old poster i must have of him somewhere in my parents house...." cuting apart the women and only finding the good in the men. Jason looks old too...he is my age...if he looks old, do i look old? i dont think he will be making another terrible remake of teen wolf anytime in the near future.

and then, my sister pulled out her lesportsac with a big 1985 on it...."hey," I said "I think that's mine!!" she denies it, but i am pretty sure my mom got that for me one year before we went to the concord. She said that she has had to sew it up a couple of times but refuses to get rid of it. Plastic surgery on a lesportsac...that cant be a good sign....

happy monday