Sunday, February 24, 2013

purim blog 2013

Life isn't fair for many reasons.  People get sick, people die, people get fat, people get thin and then they   get fat again...the fairness isn't in any specific order, though, this year, I wore by biggest loser sweatshirt because I weigh enough this purim to qualify to be on the show...wish I was kidding.  All those godam butterfingers aren't helping. My son, the non anorexic anorexic told me i should drink tea and eat bagels and vegetables and then I will be down to my bar mitzva ready weight (which is still not so ready...) It is interesting living in a house with skinny boys as opposed to skinny girls....boys think of food as sustenance, while girls think of food as the enemy. Well, except for this girl...hence the dilemmas...

Anyway, back to purim. It was a lovely day. Had my family over for seuda while my brother was on the phone for the two hours he was here. I got to bond with my niece and nephew who are going to be camping out here for a few days.  Watching them at this age has got to be easier than when they were 7 months old...that was an can two babies be soo cute and soo not willing to sleep. But now, they are almost 5, which is like they are almost in college, so it should be a piece of cake(which is not on the diet that skinny son #1 has put me on...) I am just excited to have another girl in the house that I can say "see, aren't they so mean to me?" ....that's all i want, some validation...and I am sure I will get that from a five year old girl...with the right accessories, of course.

In any event husband #1 got to woo the ladies with his super fast megillah reading...16 1/2 minutes, that is a turn on.  Which quickly get turned off when we get back home and he tells me that verizon technical service is closed on sunday and it turns out that it is actually open 24/7 and I had to run home from my walk because Luke from the phillipines needed me to check out my I know what that means....I asked Luke if he has ever heard a wife kill her husband before and he said "no maam, that would be a first for me too.."  ahh poor Luke, got crazy butterfinger filled Banji on the phone and now his life will never be the same.  Long story short, new router is in the mail, bag of candy is ready for husband #1's office and the oscars begin very soon....

I hope you all had a wonderful purim and that your life is like a perfect shaloch manot, filled with many things that make you happy....

Happy Sunday

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Yogi Bear

I did it. I went to shalom yoga. My motivation was to support my friend, so my intentions were pure. But in the back of my mind i was thinking "how can I do yoga when my favorite position is the 'screaming mom'?"  I am not flexible(insert lewd comment here) I have a hard time relaxing(insert lewd comment here) and the thought of spending 45 minutes in a calm, non-stress inducing environment was, well, stressful.

But I went with my purple yoga mat, courtesy of the yeshivas noyam golf and tennis outing from three years ago, I went by myself because I am a big girl(and my friend who was supposed to come with me had to do carpool) and I was ready to face the challenge.  I must admit, the yoga teacher was fabulous.  She had me breathing and relaxing and pretending to be a tree and a warrior and a big fluffy cloud-the cloud, i had no problem with, the tree and warrior was another story...and every time she said "there is no judgement here only love"  i smiled and took a deep breath-and tried not to fall on my bedonkadonk.. But I was also thinking that there should be more poses that relate to real, if there was an all mens yoga class, is there "watching tv with my hands down my pants pose?"  is there a "I have no idea what you want from me?" get the point...

I have heard that yoga is all about meditating and finding inner perhaps I should not have said that I felt like I was doing the hokey pokey, perhaps I should have kept my self deprecating comments to myself, but, being the egomaniac that I am, it had to be all about me, and i had to make the others laugh. Whether it was at me or with me is another story.  But when i was lying on my mat in the lox pose(im not sure what it was actually called, I heard lox, thought about bagels and I was off to the races) and the teacher was telling us to relax and think about a beach and the sky...I opened my eyes after a few minutes and had no idea where I that is either a good thing or the lavendar she had us smell was drugged...

Though, when all is said and done...I will be going back next week..hope some of you will join me!

Happy Wednesday

Monday, February 11, 2013

which one am I.....

Last night I attended a beautiful simcha.  A wedding of two Teaneck people, set up by Teaneck people, everyone was thin enough to pull off the white dresses, food was good, my table was awesome...all was right with the universe.  While observing the dancing(because since my vertigo, the whole round and round thing makes me dizzy) someone came up to me and asked who she should be relating to at the sort of quote her "I haven't made any bar or bat mitzvahs yet, so do I still relate to the bride? the bride's mom?  Who can I still associate with?"

Ahh, my dear, sweet, young is my take on that...I, female, fat and forty, can no longer relate to the bride. For many reasons..too young, too thin, too optimistic, too in love, too giggley...too bouncy without jiggling...catch my drift? If I could do it all over again, would I?  Of course, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have my boys...and if I didn't have my boys, when I came home last night, I would not have had the extreme joy of watching son #1 bake his own snickerdoodles. That's right folks, the messiah is just a wee bit closer to coming because someone in my house with actual testicles(not the ones that have grown on me by osmosis) baked something. A miracle. A joy.  Getting back on topic, no, I can no longer relate to the bride.

The bride's mom. No, I cannot relate to her either because I will never be the bride's mom.  I will be the well groomed(on that day anyway) piece of wallpaper that stands in the background with the tears streaming down her face as her son begins his life with his new best friend...I will be the woman handing out the jewelry and babysitting whenever asked and cooking whenever asked and keeping my mouth shut whenever asked(thank god for pharmacuticals...) you get the picture. Can't be bride's mom.

So who can I relate to at these simchas?..the fat single girls saying tehillim with such fervor that they look like they will take off from their chairs?  The women wearing orthopedic dancing shoes?  The bartenders? Truth be told, as I start preparing to make my last bar mitzvah, I just enjoy being a guest, listening to good music, drinking gin and tonics, hanging out with friends, and laughing as I watch the young couple and their friends dancing and screaming, filled with high hopes and dreams for their futures...and I pray those are all fulfilled.

May we only know from simchas, people. Amen.

Happy Monday