Wednesday, June 30, 2010

wednesday june 30, 2010

and here we are....

we live in a community where 5 kids are the new 4, 4 kids are the new 3, 3 kids are the new 2 and 2 kids are the new "only child..." so when i talk about my 3 boys, i know that it isn't like having 12 kids, but still, 3 kids to me might be like 12 kids to someone who has an infinitely greater amount of patience than i have...along with the fertility that i do not have.....(or has no vocal chords and can scream all day with no one ever hearing them)

anyway, point is, i had these 3 amazing, beautiful boys in less than 4 years and when i nursed these kids till my udder ran dry....when i was up every night for almost 5 years with them....when i changed enough diapers that would soak up the bp oil spill(see, i do know what is going on in the world)....when i thought i would never get rid of the double stroller or breast pump(ugg, totally dehumanizing..but oh so effective) a million years i never thought the day would come when.....yes, they would all be leaving for sleepaway camp.

dont get me wrong...i will miss them....i will be nauseous at the bus stop(and not because number 4 is on the way...that wont be happening).....i will talk about them....but, i know, god willing, they are coming home in 4 weeks. Now, when they get married...that will be another story entirely.

enjoy your summers people!!!!

Happy Happy Happy Wednedsay

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

tuesday june 29 2010

ode to a fast day...

for those of you who dont know, today is a fast day. it isn't one of the top 2 fast days, but a fast day none the less. i use this particular fast day as proof to myself that if i was marooned on an island, or deserted on the top of mountain, or stranded in a forest, or stuck in a minivan on the van wyck expressway, that i would be able to survive for at least 1 whole day without food or water.

for the skinny minnies who fast today, it really is just like any other day when they don't eat do they distinguish today from other days? are there special dispensations for those people who normally dont eat? special prayers that have to say so god knows that they realize it is a fast day and not just an ordinary day? who knows....but for me, i will be strong and i will make it until the fast is over. because i have will power for 3 days a year. and today, i can feel like one of the skinny minnies...if only for a short time and if i dont look in the mirror.

today also represents the t minus 1 day until the three boys in the family room leave for camp and stop driving eachother crazy. and driving me crazy. i am hoping that they are being particularly antagonistic because it is their way of showing me that they are going to miss me and they dont want me to forget them while they are by throwing things and breaking picture frames, they are leaving an indelible mark on the house and everytime i see the damage they have done, i will smile and think fondly of them.....or not.

all i know is that, god willing, this time tomorrow, i will be in impressionism room of the metropolitan museum of art with a big smile on my face.....

happy tuesday....

Monday, June 28, 2010

monday june 28, 2010

yet another you know you are getting older when....

duran duran was hot in the 80's. smoking hot. my favorite was always john taylor. he was the hottest of the hot,(and is now married to the owner of juicy couture-go figure..80's icon married to 21 century style icon...brings it all together..and i bet he would look really good in a pair of juicy sweatpants...) anyway, yesterday, ari and i took son #1 and son#3 to see karate kid(will get to that in a minute) and we are watching a preview for some animated movie, for kids, about wolves. the theme song to this movie is Hungry Like a Wolf....oh my...I am now old enough that an anthem from my adolescence, a song that brings images of scantily clad, heavily eye-makeup made up women on a yacht with simon lebon, is now the theme song for a childrens movie.

do you think that simon(lead singer of duran duran for those of you who have no idea what i am talking about) is in a nursing home somewhere,drinking a chocolate flavored Ensure, reminiscing about the good old days when his songs got him women who threw their underwear at him and now, those women are changing the diapers of the kids going to the movie that has his song as its theme? oy vey...dont feel bad for simon. the ratio of women to men at these homes is pretty high, so the guy is still getting lucky.

back to the karate kid. i gotta admit, i really liked this one. I think i liked it better than the original...i was thinking that ari and i should watch the original on our dvd player while the kids are in camp, but then i remembered that our dvd player is still in the box...oh well...guess we will save that one for our road trip. anyway, what i enjoyed watching most was when the girl and boy kiss-i turned to look at son #3 and he was mouthing the word YUCK and covering his was pretty funny. the movie was entertaining and i am sure that will and jada are very proud of their very adorable and flexible son. but there i was, taking my kids to a remake of a movie that i saw when i was only a little older than they are now....and there was no banarama music in the sound track(80's band...again, for those of you who have no idea what i am talking you know how ari feels most of the time...)

so everything old is new again...and that is the way it should be. though i am still hoping and praying that someone brings back the love boat....

happy monday...hope it's the start of a great week!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

sunday, june 27, 2010


we wait to find out grades on tests, we wait to find out if we get into college, we wait to see if he/she will call us after a date, we wait to see if we are pregnant, we wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl, we wait to get our car fixed, we wait at the doctors office, we wait on hold, we wait while the moron in front of us finishes texting so he can go faster than 8 miles an hour in a 65 mile an hour zone, and we wait for the trunks to get picked up so we know, for sure, with 100percent certainty, that our kids are really leaving for camp for four/eight whole weeks......

the ganchrow family spent the weekend on the island of long. we all had such a wonderful time. and though our hosts were disappointed that we didn't drink coffee or eat breakfast, we can't wait to go back again(that is, if we will be invited....) the boys enjoyed their last shabbos before camp with their "out of town" friends and though i have much material on the whole experience, it will have to wait for later in the week....because this blog is about me(of course it is, because isn't everything about me?)

banji latkin -ganchrow is the freakin mother of the year. why? because she stayed up until 2 in the morning WAITING for her sons laundry to be clean and dry so she could pack the shabbos clothes they wanted for camp. why did she do this? because she is an idiot?...because she has nothing else to do?, it's because she is a mom...(and because she got to catch up on last season's entourage episodes on hbo before the new season starts tonight). so eventhough this morning, instead of her sons appreciating what she did for them, instead of them thanking their mom profusely for all of her hard work and dedication, all they could do was torture son#3 and complain how she didn't pack anything they really wanted....

i know, that deep down, way deep, way way way deep, they appreciate the waiting i did so they have something to wear in camp...when they are there for four full weeks, four full shabbos naps, 28 nights of well, to be honest...waiting for them to come home.....
(well, not all 28 nights....) gotta go... i think i hear the truck for the trunks.......

happy sunday

Friday, June 25, 2010

friday, june 25,2010


since i am always privy to the latest sports updates, schedules, trades, drafts and events...i have been informed of the FIFA world cup. which, for those of you who have been living in your panic rooms until your kids go to camp, is S O C C E R. the world cup has been going on for quite a few weeks and, rumor has it, it might continue through the christmas holidays, but since it has been the background noise in my house since the boys have been home from school, i gotta tell ya, i have been feeling pretty bad for those announcers.

the players get to run up the field and down the field and up the field and down the field-they are getting exercise, getting tan, hanging with their buddies...but those poor announcers. "and there goes landon farfegnugen...running, running....ahhh, now he is no longer running, now martin deutchland has the ball and he is running...running...ahhh, so close, but he is no longer running...." it must be even more enjoyable for them with those godam buzzing horns in the background. i am wondering what the the booths look like where they are doing all of this announcing...i am thinking that each of the countries in the world cup have donated various bottles of vodka, scotch, bourbon and other sundries to keep these poor schmucks entertained.

hockey announcers are constantly on their toes-so much action, no time to drink...keith hernandez sounds like he loves his job, reminiscing about the old days, comparing stats of the different players, watching every nuance of each pitch of each batting stance...having jerry seinfeld make a guest appearance....but these poor soccer guys...they are probably naked,dancing around the booth, toasting eachother and not even missing a single play....maybe it isn't such a bad job after all.....go USA!!!

happy friday

Thursday, June 24, 2010

thursday june 24, 2010

the chick that ate long island

the whole ganchrow family is piling into the minivan and heading to the illustrious, mysterious, fashionable, fabulous five towns for the weekend. we have a bar mitzva there that we are very much looking forward to and are staying with friends of ours that we like a lot. now, my experience with the five towns has not always been pleasant. there was the time i went out there with my friend to find a dress for son #1's bar mitzva and i was laughed out of each store...literally.."you think you are going to find a dress here? have you seen your hips? mwa ha ha (evil laugh)"

there have also been times i have been out there and have had a very pleasant, stress-free time..but, truthfully, i am a little nervous about this weekend. i can be perfectly honest in admiting that i have not lost the 10 pounds i have put on since the bar mitzva(but am happy to say that i still have not put back all 25), and i am afraid that i am going to exceed the weight limit to walk into the young israel of woodmere. I am afraid that the skinny women will run for their lives in fear that i might eat them if i get hungry. these are very real fears for me. forget about being self deprecating, what happens if i sit down in synagogue and break the chair? what happens if i can't fit into the chair? what happens if i walk into lunch and the caterer rushes over to me and whispers "we only have 50 pounds of chopped liver, please dont eat all of it..."
i am having a panic attack just thinking about it.....

self confidence is not something that comes easily to me(or comes to me at all, for that matter) but i have to hope that maybe the skinny minnies will look at me and think " man, she must be in a good mood all the time because she is never hungry, i think i will go over to her and be her friend..." or "wow, i really wish i could fit into chicos clothing, maybe i will go and eat some donuts..."

a big girl can dream......

happy thursday....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

wednesday, june 23,2010

i apologize...

for those of you who are kind enough to read my ramblings, i apologize that i have been posting later and later this week. you see, my three darling sons are all home. now, i know that they leave for camp in T minus 7 i am convinced that the hustle and bustle of this week, the week leading up to the "summer of Banji" as my sister-in-law Amy calls it, are purposely filled with non-stop errands, activities, and laundry as a "calm before the storm..." i mean "the storm before the calm..." ahhh, the calm.

i am not even kidding when i tell you that i just got back from the mall, because why not by your kid brand new shoes so he can take them to camp and ruin them, and while i was there with son#1 and son#3, they were behaving so rambunctiously, that i actually pretended as though i didn't know them. i was even tempted to tell security that there were two adorable boys wandering around that looked lost.

this is also the week when the boys decide to tell me about all of the things that they MUST have for camp...that no one bothered to tell me about during the 10 months leading up to camp-seriously? you couldn't have told me that you needed all this stuff while you were still in school and i had days upon days with nothing to do but blog and eat? but it is ok, because that is my job. to have endless patience and do whatever my kids tell me to do.(and then take all of my anger and hostility out on their father, god bless his soul....i know who is really looking forward to the summer of banji....and it isn't banji....just kidding!!)

though even with all the running around, it is still easier to get boys ready for camp then sets of drawers to bring on the bus, no matching blankets and pillows and sheets and pens that smell tooth brush or soap or shampoo(kidding...) long as they have socks and underwear(and thank god we found underwear in kohls today....even with the guy giving me a senior citizens discount..have i really aged that much in one week???) as long as they have their hockey stick and their baseball glove...all is right with the world.

so i will continue to survive the next 7 days of having them around 24/7, because when they get on the bus and pull tears of joy will turn to tears of sadness.....but will quickly return to joy when i am having dinner at clubhouse cafe and getting trashed on rasberry that's gonna be C A L M......

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

tuesday, june 22, 2010

who woulda thunk...

i have been duped. shopping for boys has always been a breeze, more or less. this one doesn't like that fabric shorts, that one thinks this t shirt is dorky...but all in all, once you realize what they like it is smooth sailing. it is also helpful to get really nice hand-me downs from friends and neighbors(and you know who you are...). but today, all of my assumptions about how easy it is to shop for boys have come to a halting end....

my mission was to buy just a few more pairs of boxers shorts..that is all i needed. i went to super target in the bergen mall because i was both afraid and embarrassed that the folks at the hackensack target now know me by name....people have RAVED about the super, i decided to give it a try. i parked by century 21 and walked through the store....did you know that half of the shoppers in century 21 speak yiddish? where or where did all of these jewish girls with poufy hair come from? anyway...made it through brooklyn and got to target.

no boxer shorts. the display case was there, but there were no boxer shorts left. i asked one of the unhelpful salespeople in the red shirts when they were getting more in..."sorry maam, not until next week." but the boys will be in camp next week and now, they will be in camp with no under wear....(they really do have boxers, these were extras that i needed, i was just trying to be funny.) it didn't help and they didn't think i was funny. i spoke with the supervisor who was very nice and also very unhelpful...i started the conversation by saying " i normally don't complain but....." i think he knew i was lying, those supervisors can spot the complainers a mile away....

so no boxers in target and only fancy, creepy boxers in century 21....not so easy shopping for boys today...but i did find a really nice calvin klein sweater for me...shouldn't be a total loss...

happy tuesday

Monday, June 21, 2010

monday june 21,2010

first day of summer...where did i put that bikini...and 1 other random thought...

don't be scared, i dont really own a bikini. i helped a friend with her daughter's swimming party and all of these cute little 11 year olds showed up in their bikinis and i looked back fondly on the time when i fit into one...i think it was a 6-12 month, was i a cute baby. it has been pretty much downhill since then. though, when i was 8, my sister and i were at a rest stop (cause that is where we would hang out for fun and profit) and someone thought i was brooke shields. so, down hill since then, i guess...

i finally got to go to the "cool" zoo with son #2 and son #3 today...those animals-they totally rock. They know how to hang in the bronx man....really awesome. we watched the gorillas for about 25 minutes...and by the end, i had named each one because they reminded me of someone i know....of course, i won't mention any names because even though it would make the blog more fun, it wouldn't be very nice and i am a very nice person. though, i will say, that one of the gorillas spent the entire time we were there pooping and reading the newspaper....i wont say who that reminded me of....but, the resemblance was uncanny....

aside from enjoying the rhinos and giraffes and monkeys and polar bears, every time i would look at my boys, i would start to cry...the last time i took them to this particular zoo, they were in strollers and now, they are leaving for sleepaway camp...was i crying because they are leaving me alone with their father for 4 weeks? of course not...i just can't believe how big they are getting. fortunately, son #3 asked me at least 20 times when we were leaving, so he really isn't that grown up....yet....but all in all, it was a really nice day.

hope you are all having a nice day as well...

happy monday

Saturday, June 19, 2010

sunday june 20, 2010

happy freakin fathers day

for those of us fortunate to have had or have a father, today is a celebration of all they have done for us. in celebrating my father, i thank him for his never ending patience when i was growing up...for not selling me or giving me up for adoption...for not beating the crap out of me at least a million times when i am sure that is what he really wanted to do....for telling me that everything was going to be ok, even if he wasn't sure it was going to be ok..and for being a great role model, listener and cheering section. and even though he STILL doesn't read the blog, i love him a tremendous amount. I love him so much, that when i chose to marry ari, i actually thought i was marrying a man like my father. Unfortunately, it turned out, i had married a man who was more like my mother(though both my mother and ari will deny that) and now i am suffering the consequences...but that is for another blog.

today, my sons celebrate their father. the man who prays three times a day, who takes them on baseball road trips...who helps them with their hebrew homework....who goes to their games and occasionally plays ball with them when he knows that i am angry at him and he thinks i will find it adorable if he is outside playing with his kids instead of inside where i want to kill him....truth is, his boys love him and why shouldn't they...he rarely loses his temper(that is what i am here for) he rarely is the "bad parent" (that is what i am here for) and he always has a smile on his face(apparently, not what i am here for....)

though i will not be celebrating ari today. why? well, he left the pilot light on in an attempt to light a candle because he doesn't know how to light a match....then he left the house....when i came home, almost an hour later, the whole house smelled like gas because he didn't realize that he didn't turn the stove now it is 12:15 am(happy fathers day) and the pse&g guy just gave us the "all clear" and i can finally go to in conclusion i am happy that my kids love their father, faults and all...or maybe, they don't see his faults because they are turning into their father....uh oh....

happy sunday

Friday, June 18, 2010

friday june 18, 2010

popular culture beats the rebbe every time....

some people are very impressed with being related to famous and so can trace back his father in law to the chief rabbi of the famous venershmiggen rabbi's father in law was the great rabbi so and so who wrote the book about all of the laws pertaining to crossing the street on the sabbath and the implications involved..(not MY rabbi, i dont know who he can trace his roots to, but i really like him, so it doesn't matter...)point is, rabbinical lineage seems to be where it's at...not for me, however.

I would like to be a fly on the wall of the sabbath table of the kardashian family. for those of you who aren't familiar with kim, chloe, kourtney, rob, and bruce jenner, go google them...that is the family to be in. Khloe, my big girl-who i totally love, is married to lamar odum(affectionately referred to as lamar scrotum) and he won the NBA basketball championship last night and last year-not only is he a FINE looking black man, but he is a really nice guy. Kim, up until a few months ago, was dating Reggie Bush, of New Orleans Saints fame(football...superbowl...follow along) and now she is dating some soccer dude....unfortunately for the third sister, Kourtney, she is dating some schmuck who is probably just an accountant or something (kidding...i LOVE accountants...her boyfriend is just mooching off of the family name...he is gross, but is the father of baby mason so they have to keep him around..are you getting the sense that i am a little too involved with a bunch of people i dont know???? yes, i need a job)

can you imagine having a superbowl champion and an NBA champion sitting at your dinner table? they probably compare championship rings....covers of sports illustrated...offers from different brand-names..... forget about the md/phds, the nice jewish son in law who went to yale...yale shmale-how cool are those kardashians??? all they need is a baseball player and they have completed the trifecta....

apparently, i need a priority check....good thing shabbos is coming....

happy friday.....

Thursday, June 17, 2010

thursday jume 17, 2010

when things should go smoothly and dont....

my parents got son#1 a ping pong table for graduation. we measured the area, made sure there was enough dad went and ordered it and paid to have someone other than ari put it together. (after 15 years, he kind've knows his son-in-law's limitations....) these two shnooks show up 2 hours after they called to say they were on their way and tell me "sorry mees, there ees no way thees table ees going to feet down those stairs...." being my usual calm self, i asked ari to handle it. they got the table down thee stairs, put it together and everyone was happy, for the moment.

i just got stuck on hold with the company that makes the ping pong table because it seems that the top of the table slants, ever so slightly to one side..first i thought it was the light playing tricks on my aging eyes, but then we pulled out the level(kidding, we dont have a level, silly)..we used a ping pong ball to see where it would end up...and it rolled the same way every time. apparently, the balls cant roll up-hill..anyway,after waiting for a real live person to pick up, Khris, the helpful costumer service man told me to look in the instruction manual on page 5 item b. ok, i said, i have it..."now check the positions of the hinges to see if they match the picture." he said to me, with what i am assuming was a straight face, but he is in indiana so i have no idea what face he was making... "uh,khris, i truthfully have no idea what you are talking about. i didn't put this thing together. i am not even sure what a hinge is..." so after waiting on hold to speak to khris, the conversation ended with my having to take a video demonstrating how the ball rolls to one side, but not to the other. then i have to take pictures of all of the hinges in the play position and then in the upright position...then i have to give a blood sample and show proof of us citizenship and possibly take a drug test, depending on the model of the table....all very helpful. guess i am just stuck with a table that slants......

but we will continue to play and enjoy the table because, after all, in life, nothing is ever totally smooth or straight...sometimes its lumpy(like yours truly) or a little slanted....

happy thurday

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

wednesday, june 16, 2010

we are all gods creatures...even the losers....

remember feeling rejected? from a school...from a team...from a boyfriend/girlfriend? remember feeling like the biggest loser ever? the pimple that shows up at just the wrong time...the 10 pounds you will never lose no matter how much you eat?(that wasn't a type, by the way, but that is my problem..)...i am assuming that we have all had moments like that(or maybe, just me?) but yesterday, i came to the realization, that it isn't just the humans who can feel like losers....allow me to explain.

son #1 and i were supposed to go to the bronx zoo yesterday. no, it wasn't his idea, no, he didnt really want to go, yes, he knew he was going to be doing me the biggest favor ever because i LOVE the zoo...but in the end, we didnt go(reasons are for another discussion.)we did end up going to the van saun zoo...affectionately known now as "the crappy zoo." what we discovered yesterday, is that even animals can be losers amongst their own breeds. Let us take the sad looking buffalo, who have been at the crappy zoo since i was little. their fur is half off, they need assistance sitting down and then getting back up...i saw my future in front of my eyes. Clearly, they didn't pass the entrance exam for the Bronx here they are, stuck in paramus new jersey...hoping for some attention,continually getting letters from their parents about how "well" their cousins are doing up in the bronx, their self esteem down to the very puddle of mud they are stuck sitting in.

This zoo also tries to pull a fast one on it's guests. prominently displayed, in a cage, is the black crow. the black crow? those are prominently displayed on any roadkill filled highway in the this a magical crow? does it talk? does it dance? is it related to the famous cartoon crows from the 70's whose names i can no longer remember? i paid 6 dollars to see a crow? and are able to see squirrels in their natural habitat...are ya kidding me? squirrels? have you been to my backyard? i have a greater variety of animals to watch in the jungle next door to me....i did have a lovely conversation with a 300 year old cow who was eating lunch...he looked at me with his big brown eyes, almost as if to say "i could've been a contender...." poor guy..

so yes, there are losers all around us and it is our responsibility to find the beauty in all of them...whether it be an animal that didn't make it to the big times....or a friend whose dress is stuck in her underwear....let us all be more accepting of ourselves and others....amen.

happy wednesday

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

tuesday june 15, 2010

my mind is blank so this is what you are getting today...

i was reflecting on my years in elementary school and realized that i don't think my kids know what an encyclopedia is...they know what a wikipedia is, but they will never know the joys of world book or britannica(is that what the other one was called?)...those big heavy books that you had to keep in alphabetical order or your older sister wouldn't let you use them, even if you had a big report due the next day....or when you had a project for hebrew and you needed the encyclopedia judaica, which are still prominently displayed in my parents bookshelf in the basement(along with 8 zillion other books...)those were even they have a wikipedia judaica? and how was wikipedia created? was someone payed to copy the entire encyclopedia onto the computer? there must have been some updating because i don't remember paris hilton or justin beiber being in world book(heck, they werent even born when world book came out....)
the joys the children of today are missing out on.....

on another note, yesterday we celebrated a friend's birthday by having a "latin cardio funk" exercise was really great, but i wanted to take a moment to reflect on Omar, the instructor. This adorable black man with tiniest little tushie gave this awesome class. I kept waiting for his pants to fall down because i wasn't sure what was holding them up. The man had was like taking an aerobics class on speed-he was leaping and jumping and twirling and sashaying and we were a bunch of white chicks trying to keep up...even the skinny minnies were having some trouble(which, of course, made me feel better...). white men can't jump...and white girls cannot move their hips in quite the same way that omar could...but it was still lots of fun and we probably burned more calories laughing that dancing...and felt more 40 than 20 because at 20, things moved differently, at almost 40, they don't work quite as well...

here is hoping your day is filled with both laughing and dancing..

happy tuesday

Monday, June 14, 2010

monday, june 14, 2010


i apologize for not blogging over the weekend. as most of you know, son #1 graduated yesterday. it was a really nice ceremony..very moving..lots of tears (by the parents, of course...i have never seen 23 boys look more uncomfortable singing two songs in my whole life...some of them would have been happier in front of a firing squad...)but even with all of my pessimism and negativity, the graduation committee pulled off a really nice "first ever graduation of yeshivat noam class of 2010."

enough about that....

over the weekend ari and i were very excited to attend a 40th birthday celebration for one of his close(and old/dear..cant call him old, because he is younger than ari)friends. anyway, we walked on saturday afternoon, crossing the border between old teaneck and very young and fertile bergenfield. when approaching their home, i realized that i left my stroller at home and prayed that i didn't have a hot flash for fear of scaring off the other guests...(insert comment about the many other reasons i could have scared off the other guests here) it was a really pleasant few hours we spent there...ari and this young man had lived together through college and law school. they shared an apartment that I am safely assuming has been condemned since they lived there, due to the foot long thick layer of mold that encased pretty much the entire bathroom..("it was a great apartment banji, what are you talking about?" boys and their dirty apartments...uggg)

so this friend married a lovely girl from amsterdam and ari and i were able to attend the wedding...which was almost 12 years ago(time flies when you are having fun) i think it is still one of the best vacations we ever took. i had explained to my naive husband that pot(which i then had to explain was a slang for marijuana, because lord knows he doesn't know what pot is or even what an actually pot is...)is legal in amsterdam. when we got there, he spent the next four days inhaling deeply and then exclaiming "i think i smell it! i think i smell it!" no, honey, that isn't it, and if you keep inhaling that deeply, you might hyperventilate and pass out...

we learned about dutch culture and how after the the wedding ceremony, they give the people a few hours off to go back to work. in our case, we needed to see the famous rembrandt painting in the famous museum....(you think i remember the name of either?!?!) being the intellectuals that we were (and, unfortunately, still are) we borrowed a ticket, ran up the stairs, looked at the painting, scratched out heads(ari might've scratched another body part, i am not sure) said "this is the famous painting?"and went to a street fair. who says we aren't cultured??...we even learned some dutch words like "dumpenflaggen" which means.."oh lord, i must go to the bathroom..." (ari actually made that word up....sorry honey...the only people laughing at that, might be us...)

anyway, the lovely afternoon in bergenfield brought back some great happy birthday to ari's friend(he is a lawyer and i am afraid if i write his actually name, he might sue me for defamation of character....) and may we all reflect on wonderful times we have had and pray for more wonderful times in the future...

happy monday

Friday, June 11, 2010

friday june 11, 2010 jack's last day of yeshivas noyam

another you know you are getting old when....

in an attempt to broaden my horizons and escape from reruns, i have discovered the show "royal pains" on the usa network (i think that is the name of the show, and i think that is the network...don't quote me, i have memory issues...) is an enjoyable program about a dr in the hamptons. i was feeling good about watching this show-made me feel young and hip...and then, the Fonz made an appearance. you all remember the dude in a leather jacket who always got the girl on happy days...well, the fonz is now playing a father of two guys in their 30's...ummm..when did that happen? it was one thing when Mrs. Cunningham played a grandmother on grays anatomy...because she could have been my grandmother when i watched happy days...but the fonz?? how old was he when he was in high school? 45??? very disturbing...i kept waiting for him to stick his thumb up and make that annoying noise....(that isn't even an 80's reference, i think we've traveled back to the 70's for that one....) my other question is..if he looks older, much much much older do i look? (dont answer that...someone in my parents synagogue told me i haven't aged a bit...and i am sticking with that comment...even if it was made by someone in fair lawn...JUST KIDDING!!!!....fair lawn will always be my home...because i can wear straw in the winter and felt in the summer and whatever else i want to wear and NO ONE CARES!!!!!)

on a less depressing was son# 1's last day of elementary school....i figured out that he has cost me more than 100,000 dollars so far...wait, that is a MORE depressing note....but he did let me take pictures of him going on the bus for the last time so that made me happy and sad all at the same time. Though, he wouldn't wear the pants i told him too...i explained to him that on his first day of school, i picked out a lovely Blue's Clues ensemble (blues clues is a late 90's early 2000 reference for the older readers...) that he wore with a big smile on his face(along with his yankees knapsack..fortunately, he no longer likes blues clues OR the he has matured some what...) but he just wouldn't wear the pants...which means he has a mind of his own...which means that maybe, ari and i havent totally screwed him up (yet) which means he is growing up...just like the fonz.

happy friday

Thursday, June 10, 2010

thursday june10, 2010

why we need licenses to parent...

poor son #2. he must have allergies...he comes home from camp every summer with his big blue eyes practically sealed shut (thank god for cousins who are opthamologists and steriod drops...) and apparently, this has been a very bad allergy season because his eyes have been red and he has been complaining that they hurt. Now, since I don't have allergies, but do have narcissistic personality disorder, i couldn't relate to what son #2 was feeling, but, I was a good mom and I took him to the dr who prescribed him drops for his eyes, which were bothering him BECAUSE of allergies (not anything goopy or conjunctivitisy...he can go to school and isn't contagious for any parents reading this....) unfortunately, i took him to the dr almost 2 months ago and still hadn't filled the prescription. the poor kid's eyeballs are practically coming out of his head, and i haven't had time to go to the pharmacy. he keeps complaining, and i haven't had time to go to the pharmacy. his brothers insist that he is the favorite, yet, i still haven't had time to go to the pharmacy......but, today, i his drops, got tootsie rolls on sale(shouldn't be a total loss) and now i just have to remember to give him the drops. seriously, how is there no restriction on who should become a parent?

for son #1's bar mitzva, we had a plan for at least a year in advance....well, son #2 is only 15 months younger than son#1. son #2's bar mitzva is in less than 7 months...and guess plan! no idea! no clue! oy vey! But, we have a plan for son #3's bar mitzva already....and yet, son #2's brothers still think he is the favorite....i am often curious to find out what had led them to this conclusion....but, not curious enough, because it isn't about me....(though i happen to think they use it as an excuse to continually gang up on him and torture him....though lately, the torture has been pretty evenly dispersed between the 3 of them...and me...and ari....)

As a side note, last night, son #1 tried on his cap and gown for me...did i get emotional because it was the closest thing i will ever have to a child of mine wearing a dress? (not that there would be anything wrong with that....)

here's to hoping the drops work and that all of the allery sufferers out there have speedy recoveries....

happy thursday

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

wednesday june 9, 2010


there are many things in life that makes us weepy...sickness, death, war, day school tuition, democrats...after my neighbor's house exploded and he passed away, i was weepy all the time. for months and months after. everything made me weepy....because when you think about it, there is so much to weep about.

son #1 is graduating from elementary school on sunday. i am weepy in anticipation of how weepy i am going to be. it was just yesterday that he and his friend shlomo were on that little yellow school bus taking them to kindergarten for the first day(i was weepy then too). i just keep thinking that if those 9 years flew fast are 4 years of high school going to go by?

i remember my years of school, looking at the clock during class(hard to believe that i wasn't studious) thinking how L O N G a 45 minute period the clock never seemed to move. and now, everytime i turn around, it is monday again and again and again. the whole thing just boggles my mind.

i want to congratulate son #1 and all of his friends on their upcoming graduation. i want to wish them all good health and happiness, success in their learning and success in their lives...may you only weep for good things and never sad things...and may you all continue on the path that leads to you to fulfillment and peace of mind.

that's all i got today...need another tissue...

happy wednesday

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

tuesday, june 8, 2010

what summer means to me....

the sun is out, the sky is blue, the clouds are white and puffy, my lawn is already turning must mean that summer is almost here..what was i thinking when i told ari that i didn't need inground sprinklers? if you come by my house early in the morning(early for me being 7, not 5:30..) it is a battle between me and my oscilatting sprinkler...centering it just right to hit everthing it needs to(which usually means me, my neighbors car, my car, the roof, assorted jungle animals that are still living next door.....)but when it goes back and forth just perfectly, i feel a little more at peace with nature.

summer also means, and it pains me to say this, the beginning of reruns...because i watch an over-abundance of tv(due to my deprived childhood of only being able to sneak in a few minutes of watching the love boat on the 4 inch black and white tv in the kitchen....) and because of the miracle, and i say that from the bottom of my heart, the sheer miracle of DVR...i am always caught up on all of my shows. and now they are over...(some were even canceled, but that is another story..all i need is ONE MORE EPISODE of mercy..can't they just make one more?please? anybody?)

the only options now are reality shows on the learning channel. i don't care about kate plus eight, i didn't even care when she had jon...i am not so fascinated with One Big Happy Family(yes, there is a show called one big happy family and i am not even on it...go figure...) what will i do now when folding laundry and ironing? (wait a second, the boys leave for camp in 22 days and then i won't have any laundry to fold or to iron...) i feel like my life is in shambles. i have already seen every law and order, law and order criminal intent and law and order special victims unit...what's a girl to do? go outside?enjoy the fresh air? have the sun contribute to my aging skin's demise?

good thing i finally got a new bench in front of the old homestead.....enjoy the weather people-breath in the fresh air...the new tv season starts in 3 months....

happy tuesday

Monday, June 7, 2010

monday june 7 2010

bring back the choice card........

when making a wedding or some other form of joyous occasion, the hosts of the affair really want to please their guests. whether it be with a 20 person orchestra, open bar with all of the trimmings, placing you at a table with people that you actually like, not guests that you have to introduce yourself to and then can't really hear their names when they respond because of the previously mentioned 20 piece orchestra(and spending the rest of the evening pretending that you can hear where they are from or what they do or how they know the people you are no longer speaking to for sitting you with these folks...) point is, the hosts always try to do their best.

that being said, though some people have proposed to "tone down" these joyous occasions(spend less money, make more simple events...ha ha ha how can i impress anyone with money i really dont have unless i go totally over the top, silly rabbit(80's commercial reference..), forget about that, i say, we bring back the main course option response cards.(of course, this is going to have to do with food). Now, one might think this is tacky...Please Choose Chicken, fish, Filet mignon...etc. No, i am suggesting we bring these back because some hosts, with all of the best intentions I am sure, like to serve really fancy, really expensive dinners....I, personally, i am not a fan of any "select" dishes that have a disney character named after them...for example ...I will not be eating Donald Duck as an appetizer (or Daffy duck, for that matter...) I will not be eating Mary had a little lamb chop...or the cute little baby cow that is screaming in its crate....that just isn't me...if you are reading this, and you aren't bothered by these things...more power to you. just not my may eat and enjoy, you may bring my main dish home with you..whatever makes you happy.

Here is what i propose for the main course option card....
1.chicken with bread stuffing
2.teriyaki salmon with bread stuffing
3.some form of cooked meat with some form of carbohydrate
4.plate of steamed brocolli
5. cocoa puffs and milk
6.pint of ice cream...all flavors available
7.package of stella doro swiss fudge cookies.
8.plate with nothing on it because i don't eat in public(or in private which is why i can fit into this dress and you can't.)-not talking about myself, OBVIOUSLY, this is a choice on the card...
9.really fancy dinner that we pick out for you

that pretty much covers it. I think those options will make everyone happy. the caterer will know before hand what to bring so there will be no waste, the hosts will end up saving money...everyone will have a smile on their face(well those people who smile...the ones who dont, nothing will ever make them happy....)

if only all aspects of life could be as simple as this.....

Happy Monday

Saturday, June 5, 2010

saturday, june 5,2010

and you wonder why i have so many issues....

i have had a very tough two days. it started on friday when my kids, all three of them(i guess i should be thankful that i wasn't able to have more because then this would have been even worse) kept telling me what a terrible mother i am...i curse at them, i hit them, i yell at them, i am so mean, i am so horrible...and on and on and on. Really? am i the worst mom? are there no moms worse than i am?? on crack perhaps? are those moms still better than me??

are they just realizing that i am totally clueless? are they just realizing that i curse all the time INSTEAD of hitting them in the head with a baseball bat when they start fighting with eachother....STOP FIGHTING AND TORTURING EACHOTHER AND I WILL BE KIND AND WARM AND LOVING ALL THE $%^$%$ TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel much better now.

this weekend i was lucky enough to celebrate the 23rd annniversary of my brother's bar mitzva. my brother, the favorite. i am not just saying that...he is the favorite. here is an example of how i know mom called me this week to tell me what she was making for the weekend, "well, Jed is coming, so i am making crunchy chicken(chicken with corn flakes), veal, potato kugel, chicken cutlets(for my sister-in-law), turkey..because you know Jed loves turkey..."
"hey mom," i say..." know that i am coming too-right? i really like your pot roast..."

"well, if you want pot roast, that means i have to go back to the butcher and get you a roast, i never know if they are going to have the cut that i want...dont you like veal?" no, that's jed. "dont you like crunchy chicken?" no, that's jed....(you get where this conversation is going....oh, for the record, i made meatballs so ari would have something to eat, i made a deli roll so son #1 would have something to eat...everyone had something but poor, deprived Banji. story of my life.)

Now my brother will tell you that he has every right to be the favorite...but COME ON....i am almost 40..wont someone love me best?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

i need to take a zanax...screw it, i am going for the coconut rum.

happy saturday

Thursday, June 3, 2010

thursday june 3, 2010

is there hope for any of us?

someone suggested that i write a more "political" here is goes.

The great oil spill of 2010....are you kidding, that's not the headline....Tipper and Al Gore are getting divorced!!!! If they can't make it-is there hope for the rest of us?? seriously...they just celebrated their 40th anniversary...they are both good looking(despite the fact that neither of them can actually move their faces. i happen to think that that might be where the real problem began-she always looks like she is smiling, but, she really isn't, but al, being a man, and probably stupid, thought she was smiling....though it could've been the other way around...maybe she thought HE was always smiling..who knows..who cares..I am not one to place blame...) there is no shortage of money..which means that she could probably hire someone to buy her jewelry and flowers...he had the financial where with all to buy whatever he wanted...if you are going to make the effort to make it to 40 years...40 LONG ARDUOUS YEARS...what is the point of calling it quits after that???????????????

if they can't stay together after surviving the white house and the clintons(was it the clinton's? this is why i don't write political blogs...)after everthing they have been through...come on guys..take one for the team. You can live in a house big enough never to have to see eachother-and tipper, there is hope for you, according to the new york post(see, i read the paper) female viagra is on its way-JUST HOLD ON FOR FDA APPROVAL!!! you can do it!!! give it a chance!!!

whenever i hear of a couple getting divorced i always want to know why....sometimes, i get some bogus "we are happier apart" and then find out the bastard was cheating...sometimes, it's a religious thing...and sometimes...they just really really hate eachother and can't stand the sight of one another(thank god i can't relate to any of that...though, i often say, that ari is only going to cheat on me if someone actually comes to the house-that man doesn't get off 0f the couch for just any reason...especially during baseball season, or hockey season, or football season....seems he is on that couch a lot....but i find it adorable, not grating or infuriating....)

ari gets upset when i pat myself on the back for staying married..especially when some of these famous couples can so non-chalantly say "we just grew apart....but we will still be the best of friends...." whatever. marriage is really really hard. and then god throws in menopause and high blood pressure and medication and hormone deficiency and yeshiva tuition and in laws and blah blah blah blah blah. but TIPPER AND AL-beacons of what a husband and wife should's all falling apart. it's like the end of camelot (did that end already? again, this is why i don't write political blogs....)

suck it up people. we can move beyond, together, as americans, as human beings.....truthfully, i can't wait to find out the real story....guess i will have to wait until i have a doctors apppointment to read about it in people magazine.....

happy thursday and god bless america

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

wednesday june 2, 2010

wont you be my neighbor?

i have been living in this community for over 12 years. we moved in when son#1 was a little over a year old and son #2 was a few weeks old. our neighbors on one side were an elderly couple and our neighbor on the other side was an elderly woman who had been living in her house since "the houses across the street were farm land." her story was actually kind of sad. she had been engaged to a man who died in battle, she was pretty old, so i was never sure which battle-battle of the bulge? civil war? i was afraid to ask...then she ended up living with her mom(never a good thing) and then she ended up living with a bunch of cats and a smelly little dog who used to poop on my lawn. Sad thing about this neighbor, is she once pooped in another neighors car, thinking she was going into a bathroom and sitting on a toilet. (funny and sad, all at the same time.) we knew it was time for her to stop driving when she would park her car on our lawn instead of on her driveway....

as for the neighbors on the other side, well, my kids got to watch the mom get carried out on a stretcher on thanksgiving day(she was dead, but lived into her 90's) then, they got to hear about the father dying(missed that stretcher...) and then, the explosion of 08. not a good day. but then we were down a neighbor....gained new ones(who we really really like.....and not just because they read the blog...) also gained new neighbors where the old lady lived....who have really funny kids....we especially enjoying watching them saturday afternoon, on the trampoline where they enjoy making their baby sister fly in the air and start crying....amusing for us, not so fun for her...but it does make a long day go by pretty quickly....

and then the land next door to us was bought. no one knew who bought it. statistically, i was not going to like whomever was going to be moving in.....but when we heard who it was, i was genuinely thrilled...really great people, really great kids....we are really looking forward to the day they move in...which will hopefully be sometime in the near future. and yesterday, it all became real for me because i got a piece of their mail-which i thought was kind've funny because there hasn't been a house on the property for almost 2 years....i guess i will be getting a lot of their mail (which is ok, because as i said, i really like the people moving in...)

so it has been an experience living where i live....hope your neighborly experiences are pleasant as well....

happy wednesday

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

tuesday june 1, 2010...5 months to go!!!!!!

and we continue to give in.....

i can remember pokemon cards, and the joys of finding them in amazing savings for a 1/4 of the price than in other stores...i think the boys weren't so into yugemon cards(never knew what that was)so i didn't have to over-buy those, my sister in law introduced us to MLB showdown cards, which were a big hit....then i remember those godam crazy bones. one dollar bought you 5 hard plastic crazy bones. seriously-what is a crazy bone? if you ever stepped on them, many colorful words would leave your mouth(never infront of the kids, of course), and now, i have been introduced the joys of "crazy bands." crazy bands are colorful rubber bands in different shapes that the kids wear on their wrists. i happen to like these the best, because the boys even wear the "girl" colored ones, and i never have anything pink or purple in my house, so they are a treat for me. i also like them because they don't hurt when you step on them, they are light and easy to store and they come 12 for a's all relative.

the true test of a "good" fad, for me, is how well they wash and dry in the laundry. because, inevitably, the kids leave them in their pants pockets, dont tell me they are there, looking through the pockets is not in my job description(not yet, anyway) and they end up being cleaned. cards don't fare so well, crazy bones hold up tremendously(the only plus) and silly bands...well, the boys still like them, so they have yet to take the "maytag test"(maytag is a brand of washing machine and dryer for those of you who don't do your own laundry...) though, i keep finding broken ones on the floor...should i just leave them there? should i put them in a pattern on the floor that leads to the garbage can? will that help at all? being subtle is being ineffective in this house. and clearly i need the extra exercise after the tremendous dessert consumption of last evening.

we give in and by this stuff for our kids because we love them? because it stops them from fighting in the car? because it stops them from fighting in the house? who knows...the reasons don't matter. Just to have them all smiling and happy makes it worth the price of cleaning them up from all over the house....until we move on to the next fad....

happy tuesday