Monday, May 31, 2010

monday may 31 2010

too many desserts...too little time...

there is nothing like a beautiful wedding shared with good friends and a dessert plate that comes with four options...that is right FOUR options...a pecan pie, a chocolate cake with cream in the center (that also had some kind of enjoyable nougat), a round pareve ring ding without the creamy center and, the piece de individual apple tart(which could have used some ice cream, but i managed to eat it anyway...ok, i managed to eat 2...clearly, i don't believe in closet eating...i am totally out of the closet when it comes to eating-not that there is anything wrong with that...). Before this lovely "sampler" was set before me..we were privy to miniature chipwiches, chocolate covered strawberries and chocolate chip cookies(which i totally missed...a real tragedy...) upon leaving this beautiful wedding, we were given hot pretzels(not caloric enough) and miniature cinnamon buns(very enjoyable...)

mind you, this was a wedding filled with skinny minnies who can look at these desserts and say "none for me, i just had water with lemon and i am stuffed to the gills" fact, due to circumstances that were beyond my control, one of these minnies ended up sitting on my lap in order to talk to the person sitting next to me. that is right, a grown woman(who weighs as much as a youngster) sat on my lap for a good 10-15 minutes, while i figured out how to steal her dessert. (i made that part up...we weren't up to dessert when she sat on my lap.)

in all seriousness, it was a beautiful evening. everyone was blow dryed and manicured and pedicured and spanxed and high heeled....the bride was glowing, her mother was weepy, her father looked nauseous, but happy all at the same time. it's amazing how a wedding can bring out so many different emotions all at the same time and for so many different reasons. when it was time for the ceremony, everyone ran into the room to get a coveted seat-a seat with a perfect view (the same view that you can get from almost any seat...) i like sitting on the aisle so i can make random comments to the people walking down...when i was single and went to weddings, i would take pictures and then send them to the happy couple...because that is just the considerate person that i am....

all in all it was the perfect end to a memorial day weekend filled with many ups and downs. i wish the happy couple a wonderful life together, filled without bickering and name calling. I wish both sets of parents all the happiness in the world for their children and for eachother...i thank them profusely for the open bar and previously mentioned sweets...and i wish all of you a pleasant evening and a terrific tomorrow.(unless you are reading this tomorrow and then i wish you a terrific today....)

happy monday

Sunday, May 30, 2010

sunday may 30, 2010


today has been a roller coaster of emotions. A newlywed of 24 dies suddenly of a heart attack, a sister dies in an accident and then, to the opposite extreme, the extreme of joy and happiness, our friends' son put tefillin on for the first time and we danced at a bat mitzva. from somber to happy and back. the whole circle of life, things happen for a reason...blah blah blah. sometimes, life just sucks and isn't fair and sometimes, hopefully, more times, life is awesome and should be appreciated. even with all of my negativity...i do appreciate life, and as i have said before, life is too short to be full of crap. say what you mean, mean what you say, love who you want and ignore who you don't. and for gods sake, smile and laugh more.... i am done philosophizing...lets get down to business.....

at the bat mitzva, we saw an old friend of ours who is now a plastic surgeon. i had a whole discussion with him about my "turkey neck" surgery that i want to have done in 10 years and 5 months...we discussed payment plans, etc etc. but i started to wonder if when he looks at women (and men for that matter) does he start thinking "first, lipo...from everywhere,,,,then, botox, just a little...hmmm, what about those laugh lines-should i got with restalin or natural fat from her big butt....decisions, decisions... definitely something done with that stomach...a touch off the upper arms...." they must looks at our flaws in an entirely different way than we look at them....they see dollar signs, and we see...what do we see? my mother always says if we could see ourselves the way that others see us....but then she never finishes....i guess there is a reason for that.

for example, yesterday, i was sitting with 4 other women and we were having a discussion about maternity now, they are so tight you can see the fetus moving around. one of them said "gee, i am so glad they weren't in style when i was pregnant...." now, the four of these women combined probably weigh less than i do, and i am not even being self deprecating-these women are so skinny they practically disappear when they stand sideways...and THEY are complaining about how tight the clothes are. HELLO!!!!!! if i were pregnant now...i would have to make my own clothes to fit no one ever really sees themselves for how they really are...i guess, unless they just felt bad for me and were trying to make me feel better about being the biggest one at the table....(ok, that was self-deprecating...)

we should all be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see, be happy with where we are, what we say and how we act. we can only be responsible for ourselves and what we do with the gifts that god gave us. sometimes, the things that come out of my mouth might put people off, might give them a bad impression and to those people i say....too freakin bad :) as the famous song says "i am what i am and what i am needs no excuses...."

happy sunday...may we only know from happiness and good health....

Friday, May 28, 2010

friday may 28, 2010

apperance vs reality

last night i went to a dinner where my cousins were being honored by their synagogue. It was a totally cool place in englewood called the 201 club...a perfect place for a bat mitzva(which i will never be making for my boys), a sweet 16 (which i will also never be making for my boys) or a surprise 40th birthday party (hint hint)anyway..there was an awesome bar, yummy looking pass-arounds, great music and a whole bunch of people that i have never seen before in my entire life. tell me, i have 504 friends on face book, how is it possible that i knew so few people at this event? it totally shattered my social confidence...but, one of the people that i did recognize was a "famous" rabbi, who, for purposes of not wanting to reveal his true identity, i will call Buly Shmoteach. (thank you to jonah hill for teaching me how to change someone's name around so discreetly...does anyone reading this know who jonah hill is?)

so ari and i were talking with buly and his wife and as i am listening to him, i am thinking to myself, "this is the famous rabbi shmoteach?? are ya kidding me? if this guy could have his own show, why can't i have my own show?? if this guy could hang with michael jackson, why can't i?(aside from the fact that he is dead...god rest his talented soul)" Needless to say, i was mildly disappointed...not at all what i expected. I thought i would get some insight into my life, relationships, world peace...and all i got was man, he is really shorter in person and i hope he isn't driving home.....though i have to say, that his wife was really, really lovely.

the point is, we put people on pedestals and build them up to be all that and the truth is, nothing is what is seems. which leads me to believe that maybe rick springfield wouldn't make a better boyfriend than the one i currently have...maybe rick snores, doesn't use a knife and fork and isn't as good looking as he was in 1982...naaaa....rick is going to stay on his pedestal until he has the chance to change my mind in for everyone else...we are all just human. good, bad, fat, thin, ugly, is what it is people....

happy friday

Thursday, May 27, 2010

thursday may 27,2010


last night i had the pleasure of babysitting for my niece and nephew in new york. the twins were happy to see me because i think they realized they were home and I was visiting, which meant that mommy and daddy weren't deserting them and leaving them with me for a few nights. All went without incident and i was able to be a teenager in 2010..(until i tried to work the tv..then i was back to being 39 and mildly retarted....)

omg, the kids were sleeping and i got to text my bffs all nite! it was awesome. i also got to watch american idol, even though it took me 30 minutes to figure out my brother's remote, which i thought was a touch screen, so i kept pressing on the "watch tv" square...but nothing was happening, until i realized that you had to press the button ON THE SIDE. i was not meant for this century, i miss the "twanger" in my parents house that had buttons that actually made a clicking sound when you pressed them, not an electronically simulated clicking sound..., i was ready to throw the thing out the window.( i was even tempted to wake up the two year olds who probably had a better understanding of this piece of equipment than i did) and then, if you are lucky enough to find an HD channel, he has speakers that make you feel that there are people in the apartment with you, so that freaked me out...back to non HD channels...i miraculously discovered the channel for the mets i just kept hitting the "previous" button and went back and forth between the two shows, for fear that if i pressed anything else, the whole system would explode...

so i sat on the couch and texted and watched what has become of the bee gees(down to 2 from 3, so sad...)joe cocker, who looked like he was having a seizure and hall and oates..oy choice didn't win, but that was ok, because who really cares....

I wanted to get a snack from the kitchen, but i couldnt figure out how to open that baby-gate, i tried to climb over it, but that wasnt going well either...i am thinking of having them install a baby gate in my kitchen, perhaps that would help with my efforts to keep my mouth shut...(only for food people, the words will keep flowing out, i am sorry to say....) fortunately, the fishy crackers were in reaching distance from beyond the gate and i was able to satiate my ever present hunger....

the mets shut out the phillies, mom and dad came home from their night out, i walked back to my car (tomorrow's blog..)and came home to my babies..who of course, were still up after 11 pm...and all was right with the world.

happy thursday

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

wednesday, may 26, 2010

all by myself...

I have been blogging now for almost 5 months. The good news is that i haven't received any bomb threats or white powder in the mail...the bad news, is that blogging is like talking to myself(which i find i have been doing more and more..i am hoping that the people seeing me talk to myself just think that i am wearing an ear piece and am talking on the phone). I just write whatever i want and that's that. Though i am so happy to see that people are reading my nonsense, i get very minimal feedback. I have the one friend who insists on giving me an honest critique every single day (keep that up and soon i will be writing about Y O U) and then a few other people who let me know that they enjoy it (but behind my back are probably saying "that fat chick really needs to get a life..or a job..or both and her poor poor husband...") blah blah blah

today i am happy to report that i am really getting the hang of my texting situation. Today i am also happy to report that my sister and i have tickets to see barry manilow when we are in vegas (god willing, everyone should live and be well, poo poo poo, knock on wood etc etc.and no, jews aren't superstitious) Today i am thrilled to report that son #1 is coming home from his eighth grade trip to montreal. Let's talk about that trip for a moment...

my son goes to a wonderful school where he is one of 23 exeptional boys. he is also in the first graduating class. they had a choice of three places to go on their trip- montreal, boston, and the all-time-favorite washington dc. montreal won. upon reviewing the itinerary of this trip, ari and i noticed that the most "french" thing they were doing in montreal was eating at a restaraunt called "chez benny"....they were also going to an amusement park(son #1 doesn't like rides), tree climbing and zip lining (son#1 doesn't like heights) and speed boating (son #1 doesn't like water) so i am really looking forward to hearing how his trip was. though i have a sneaking suspicion that is it going to involve watching the series finale of 24...but that is ok, because according to the e mail from the principal, everyone is having a wonderful time, so that must mean that so is son #1.

so there you go...that is all i have for today. all comments are welcome and greatly appreciated...

Happy wednesday

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

tuesday may 25, 2010

the israeli day parade...then and now
(another "you know you are getting older when.....")

when you march as a kid in elementary school, you are all excited to see who is screaming at you (and you can even hear the people if they weren't, i can't hear anything). Ari likes marching with the kids because he feels like the mayor of yeshivaville...(or maybe, it just makes him feel like a kid again....)

when you march as a kid in high school, it becomes a social thing...who can you see from camp(that is, if you go to camp, i was deprived so i lived vicariously through my friends who went to camp....)which boys you liked..etc. etc.

when you attend the parade as a single young woman, the experience becomes an entirely different animal. Parade viewing placement becomes key in the social experience. You needed to stand park side, because that was the "cool" side (and i am not talking about meteorogically cooler...). I tried explaining to son #3 (the one who isn't old enough to march yet) that we need to cross the street...we need to stand with the cool people...he doesn't get it. "mom, why don't you like the builiding side?" "because it's for losers," i replied, with no hesitation. When Ari asks who I saw, i always reply "only people trying to cross over to the park side..."

One year, a friend and I decided to be "parade marshalls." we even went for training to learn how to help people cross fifth avenue, how to get in touch with security (in those days, no cell phones...actually, in those security either...) Anyway, we got to wear this really cool arm band which allowed us access to all parts of the parade-no questions asked. Needless to say, we walked up and down the parade route, didn't really do our jobs, but had a wonderful time. (the parade also went up to 86th street back then....then it was cut to it is down to 74th ..before you know, we will be putting our parade shirts on, walking 3 blocks and calling it a day....

back then, you put on makeup and wore your cutest, you put on makeup and wear your most slimming caftan..after all, it all becomes a game of who looks better..."she does have more gray than i do, right?" "man, he lost a lot of does that happen?" (wait a second, i married a man with no hair...and for the record, he lost his hair waaaay before he met it is totally not my fault...the ulcer, on the other hand, is questionable..)

the parade becomes a day of catching up with people that you haven't seen in years, making you feel like you are back in college or even high school, making you forget that you are almost 40....unless of course, you aren't standing on the park side. and then you just feel like a big loser with a cute 9 year old boy.....

happy tuesday

Monday, May 24, 2010

monday may 24, 2010


as it is monday, again, i decided it is the perfect day of the week to expose the truth behind excuses. Monday is usually the day we say "this is it, this is the day I am going to stop eating sugar/cursing/stealing my neighbors ny times because my spouse is too cheap to get it but is using its anti israel slant as an excuse/being stubborn/being lazy" and the list of things we want to change can go on and on and on...
but then we come up with the excuses that try to justify our failure.."i can't stop eating sugar, it helps put me in a better mood" "I cant stop cursing, it helps put me in a better mood" and so on and so on....excuses excuses. I tried to come up with some of my favorites... (and what they really mean, otherwise, it would be no fun at all...)

"the reason i didn't say hello is because you have lost so much weight that i didn't see you!!" (this means..."i am sorry, there was someone much more important standing next to you and i really had no desire to speak to you whatsoever..." )

"the reason you weren't invited was because, even though we treasure your friendship, we were so limited with who we could invite" (this means..."there was no way i was inviting you because, well, i don't really like you. at all. period.")

"the reason we can't make it to your celebration is because we were invited to a christening and even though we can't go into the church, it would mean a lot to the pope if we were there.." (this means...."you really think we would waste a sunday on you??? mwa ha ha ha (wicked laugh)" )

"the reason that dress doesnt fit you is because of the poor quality of the material" (this means.. "hey piggy, if you would have stopped eating sugar, the dress would fit!!!")

I am a firm believer in saying what i mean (i can't imagine that those of you who know me are surprised by that statement...) Life is too short. Honesty is the best policy. I inherited my grandmother's editing mechanism(or lack there of...) but i still feel that i am better than some (notice how i didnt say better than most....). If we would all just say what we mean, I think we would all laugh more and possibly never leave the house....

but the next time you come up with an better be a really, really good one.

Happy Monday

Sunday, May 23, 2010

sunday may 23, 2010

the new and improved marriage blessings.

when i was a senior in stern college for women and others, i wrote an article for the school paper entitled "marriage the final solution" about how kids are getting married too young...the divorce rate is high...the rabbis encourage the kids because "god will provide" (who knew god had a credit card and took you away for pesach...)anyway.. i recently heard that rabbi rakafet(dont know who he is, not up to speed on my rabbis...)has been quoting the article. don't know what he has been saying or why, but i felt bad that the guy needed material.

this past weekend, we celebrated the forthcoming(upcoming?) marriage of two young adults from the community, who have been neighbors for 16 years, have been dating for many of those years and they are finally getting married (thank god) next week. it got me thinking about the whole marriage ceremony....7 relatives/rabbis/teachers/former housekeepers get up before the couple and each recites a blessing-7 in total. i have no idea what they mean, when i got married, i really didn't care, but now, after 15 years of being married, i would like to initiate a change in the whole process. With that said, i am suggesting the following seven blessings that the man(boy) should say at the ceremony and the seven blessing that the woman(girl)should say. I know that orthodoxy is not an equal opportunity religion, but i am going for it anyway....and so we begin...


Dear god up in heaven, please let the girl that i am marrying always maintain her current figure and not morph into a big round ball of jelly. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let the girl i am marrying never yell at me or call me a moron. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let my in laws either a. always like as much as they do today or b. move far far away. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let my future wife always be in the mood and never be tired, have headaches, be worrying about the kids walking in or be able to come up with any other excuse. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let me always provide for my wife in the way she thinks i have any clue how, flowers, jewelry, people magazine, food, clothes, expensive vacations,etc..amen

dear god up in heaven, please give us the blessing of healthy children that will always take my side. amen

dear god up in heaven,please give me the good health to fend of my wife when she tries to kill me with a sledgehammer. amen


dear god up in heaven, please let me always see my husband as he is today, handsome and sexy...and not how he will be in a few years-hair coming out of every orifice, smelly and annoying. amen

dear god up in heaven, please grant my future husband the brains to know that he has to continue wooing me until the day he dies or i will never be in the mood after we have children. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let my mother in law know that she is no longer her son's favorite and then have my in laws move far far away. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let my future husband know how to read directions, never get lost and always have a wad of cash that i can take from his wallet. amen

dear god up in heaven, please let my future husband always put me first, put me on a pedestal and realize that if he doesnt, his life will be made miserable because he sold me a bill of goods to get me to agree to marry him in the first place. amen

dear god up in heaven, please bless us with healthy children that will always side with me, amen (yes, i know its the same one for the men....but sometimes, we really do want the same thing!)

dear god up in heaven, please grant me the good health to put up with the man that my husband turned in and learn how to hide the evidence quickly and with the bringing of moshiach....amen.

happy sunday

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

tuesday may 18, 2010

cant i just use a walkie talkie?

last night was a big night in the ganchrow household. Ari finally took the kids to get son #2 a phone....actually, we were all getting new phones and a new plan. And though, as some of you read in a previous blog that the man from at&t was not nice to me, ari went with the at&t plan. I did not accompany the boys on this outing, as i was spinning off the hamburgers i had for dinner and the cheesecake that i will probably eat tomorrow....but lets continue...

everyone comes home all excited..son#2 is beaming and showing me his cool new phone with the hidden keyboard...son #1 is going on about his cool blackberry-also with a keyboard...ari is just happy to have a phone that has a back on the battery pack so the battery doesn't keep falling out(poor ari..just can't get it together) and then, the boys give me my phone...all excited for my reaction..because now we have unlimited texting (that doesn't really help me because i don't know how to text)...they hand me the phone...wait a second..this isn't a cool phone with a keyboard...this is a grandma flip phone that is even bigger than the one i have now...i don't like this phone...i try to read the directions..they are in hieroglyphics...i am not a caveman..i cannot read symbols..where are all of the words like my other phone has?? i try to read the directions in spanish...but, i still don't speak spanish...cant anyone help me?!?!?!

and then, it beeps and buzzes and i have a message and i don't know what to do and everyone is laughing at me... the boys picked a ring tone for me and now when my phone rings, i get scared because i don't know where the mexican music is coming from and i can't change it because i can't figure is soo pathetic. and then i try sending a text but in the time it takes a normal person to tie their shoes and walk 5 miles, i am still trying to figure out how to write a number instead of a letter and nothing is working and i can't get a word out let alone a whole message...and then it beeps and buzzes again and i start to cry....I HATE MY PHONE!!!!!!!

i think back to the simpler times...when no one had cell phones and we all used land lines (what's a land line? some people don't even have those any more) with all this wonder why people are so is so frustrating trying to figure out how all of this stuff works, it is just much easier to have a chocolate bar and save the texting for another day..

my kids assure me that i will get used to this phone and one day, i will love it as much as i loved my old phone...they also told me that i am already more advanced in the texting department than ari is...he doesn't know where the space button is and allofhismessagesareonelongword...

so, at least i have that going for me....

Happy tuesday....

Monday, May 17, 2010

monday may 17, 2010

but he would look good in a headband...

last night i went to a boutique to purchase camp paraphanalia (spelling?) for son # 3...that's right, the countdown to operation 4 weeks with no kids is now down to 44 days, that's right, 44 days....(apparently, i am the only one counting down...) so i went to pick up some laundry bags and a trunk with wheels..(the other trunk i get at campor because i love going into that store and pretending that i am going on a hunting trip...with ari...ha ha ha..hey, not a bad idea to take ari on a hunting witnesses...)

while at this boutique, i noticed that i could also buy my sons pillows that they can have autographed, headbands with flowers/bows/animal prints, charm bracelets with their names on it, tie-dyed hoodies, really cute beach towels and flip flops with matching coverups for their polka dotted bikinis..wait a second...i can't buy that stuff for my sons...where is all of the boys stuff???? hey...there IS NO BOYS STUFF....what's that about? am i being punished for not ovulating at the right time of the month? am i being tortured for knowing who is in the stanley cup playoffs and not knowing when hannah montana is going off the air?

I am feeling a little discriminated against....the only thing they are selling that my boys would be interested in is the food...and one of my kids doesn't even eat anything....this is sooo not fair. where is the sports memorabilia? ant farms(not for my boys...but i am sure other boys would want an ant farm)? sneakers? hockey pucks? come on...give me something i can bring home except for some laundry bags (in blue of course, not pink or purple....)

i left feeling very disheartened...but i called my friend who has 4 girls and said "their is tons of girl crap better come over right now...they might sell out of the selena gomez t-shirts....."

and then i went home and cleaned the toilet seats....again....

Happy Monday

Sunday, May 16, 2010

sunday may16 2010

the biggest loser

the weekend brings me a variety of ideas for blogs. some, i am forbidden to write about.. (who knew that matching dresses had been one of and learn...) some i have to figure out how to make blog worthy and some..i just have to go with and see how they end up.

the biggest loser-when you are on that show, you are the biggest loser in your are 200+ pounds overweight, you have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend and you walk around with a giant L on your forehead and you are fat sad and the end of the show-with the help of 6+ hours a day in the gym and a restricted caloric have the chance to be the biggest loser...and possibly shed those 200+ pounds and have your life change for the better(until you stop going to the gym..stop the restricted caloric intake and gain all the weight back...but let's stay positive...)

who should watch the biggest loser....1.people who are so heavy that they can't get off their couch to get the remote to change the channel and might possibly be inspired by what they see..
2.people who have gone through a dramatic weight loss and can relate to the contestant...3.people who still have that last 20 pounds to lose and just can't get the motivation even though they walk 10 miles a day and spin their fat big asses off (don't know who i am referring to....) 4.anyone who watches tv while eating fast food and waiting for a pizza to be delivered at the same time.....

who should NOT be watching the biggest loser (or shouldn't admit to it....)
1.people who weigh less than what some contestants lose their first week on the ranch....
2. people who have never eaten a "whole" of something...a whole gallon of ice cream, a whole apple, a whole entenmanns cake, a whole cow....
3.people who get upset when the store runs out of size zero....
4. people who think chicos is for old fat ladies.....(i get some very stylish jewelry there..thank you very much)
5. people who think watermelon is a high calorie food.

do you see what i am saying? the biggest loser is a sacred show....the song that introduces the show has the line "what have you done today to make yourself feel proud?" when you think about it, it is very inspiring and thought far today (and it is only 9:20 in the morning) i have not yelled at anybody OR eaten anything...and i am proud of that!

may you all have things to be proud of today and everyday...

happy sunday

Friday, May 14, 2010

friday may 14, 2010

sometimes, the original should be left alone...

the song Forever Young is a classic. every time i hear it i get teary..for many reasons. when i turned 20, my friend called me and played that song for brings back memories of a sordid, yet, wonderful summer as a staff member in camp seneca is dear to my heart. and then i heard it being played recently on the thoughts drifted back to steamy nights with no responsibility or kids...and then my thoughts were quite rudely interupted by JayZ-what the hell is he doing in forever young?? no no no no no....bad bad bad. i was very disturbed on so many levels.

it was one thing when some chick, whose name i never even knew, tried to butcher cyndi laupers Time after Time..but Forever Young? come on....that is a crime. i will not be down loading that one on my ipod. it hurts my ears and my heart all at the same time. I know i am getting old, but do you have to rub it in by destroying the anthem of a generation?!?!?!?!?!?! the inhumanity!!!!!

new coke didnt phase me (or last very long) when they changed the wrappers on ring dings and didn't leave me with the tinfoil to straighten out, i got over it (even though i really miss playing with those tin foil squares-anyone remember those? more fun than eating the actual ring ding!) clothes that didn't fit me when they were in style the first time still don't fit me's all good...but PLEASE leave my music alone..

if anyone dare touches my Jessie's girl i might have to flee the country...

Happy Friday

Thursday, May 13, 2010

thursday, may 13, 2010

what is a friend..

the other day i was having a conversation with someone about what defines a friend...a real true friend. not a friendly friend or an acquaintance friend...a real honest to god friend. my definition was someone who you wouldn't mind be stranded on a desert island with. (we are sticking with purely platonic friends, not friends-with-benefit friends) who are the people that you could be stuck on an island with that you would be perfectly content to be with? those are your real friends.

as you get older...your definition of a friend needs to be more definitive...when you are little, you are friends with people who want to share with you, when you are in high school, you are friends with people who make you feel comfortable and make you feel that you fit in...when you are in college, you stick with the people you have things in common with..your major, your boyfriend(usually you dont know they have that in common with you, when you find out, you are no longer friends..), whatever..If you are still single when you graduate college, you are friends with other single people...when you get to be my age, you just want to be friends with the people you like and when you are me....that is hard to do when you are overly sensitive and don't really like too many's tough out there!!!

then there are the politics of friends...who do you invite to a bar b que, a party, a christening -sometimes, it is easier just not to have a party for fear of who you might insult. (that, of course, is not my fear, but of my compassionate spouse...) politics shmolitics-who do you like? who do you not like? these are basic features of human nature....some people don't like me because they think i am evil, i don't like some people because i think they are is what it is people.

but whomever you consider your friends, cherish them, listen to them and be kind to them...or don't, because there are new, younger people moving in all the time....

happy thursday

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

wednesday may 12, 2010


in honor of yom yerushalayim i will be blogging about israel. i am sad to say that i only know about yom yerushalyim because i got an e mail saying that my kids had to wear blue and white, they normally wear blue and white, but today that they needed to wear blue and white. son #1 wore a green shirt and may or may not have played the "i am color blind" card..who knows...and he isn't really color blind. I am hoping that his biggest rebellion in life will be wearing green on yom yerushalayim....

anyway, back to israel. i always found it fascinating how people could be in love with a place that they don't live in . i mean really in love...but what amuses me, is the people that i knew in college, who got married under the "pretense" of one day moving to israel...they marry, have a bunch of kids, get settled in suburbia and then the day comes when they are actually moving and they are all upset that they are leaving their lives and their families behind...hello..are ya kidding me? yankel only married you because you said you wanted to live in israel and now it is time to pay the piper...keep your tears for something really important because i don't want to hear about it...and off they go to the land of milk, honey and practically free tuition....

i often say that i have two definites in life..the first, i will never be an anorexic...the second, i will never move to israel. I think the second comes from the fact that i wasn't allowed to go to israel for the year and i have learned that that year in israel is really where one first falls in love with the country. my parents didn't let me go to israel because they thought i would fall in love with an israeli and stay there....(insert appropriate ari joke here....i don't have the heart to do it....) so i didn't go. and i didn't fall in love with the country. when i went as a tourist for the first time i met a really cute canadien...but that ended in mono and that is an entirely different story.

when ari and i went on our honeymoom to israel, i fell more in love with ari (and pizza hut) and i began to appreciate the country...the history...but still, no dreams of moving there. i am an american. my parents are american (i think my real parents are too...) 3 out of 4 grandparents were american....does it make me a bad person that i have no desire to move to israel? (worse than i already am?) the jury is still out.

so happy yom yerushalayim...may israel and its residents and its military stay safe and unified.

happy wednesday

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

tuesday may 11, 2010

please don't embarrass us....again....

my kids know me pretty well. they know that if we go to a store and i am not happy with how i am being treated, volcano banji might just erupt. they have been know to cower in a corner for fear of what i might do to the salesperson or manager. and though i say to them "do as i say, not as i do" i fear for what effect this will have on them in the future. this being said, they wanted me to blog about our outing to the at&t store.....

many months ago, i let you all know that my parents had been paying my cell phone bill since college, but that they were finally cutting me off 18 years later and that it was ari's turn to take care of me....(or at least to take care of my cell phone bill...) anyway, ari promised son #2 that he could get a cell phone when ari's contract was up in april (along with son #1's contract) and then all four of us would have a family plan and be one happy family....

so here we are, in may, a month after ari's contract is up and two months into ari paying my cell phone bill (which, because of the blackout, was 4 times the amount of my contract...hey, they have to make money somehow, why not charge 45 cents a minute...) and we are still not one big (well, some of us are big) happy family with 4 matching phones and a lovely family plan. So i was sent on a mission to go to the at&t store and find out about their family plans.....(i will make this as brief as possible...)

I enter the store with my two skullcap clad sons....i tell the "greeter" that we want a family plan. the "greeter" introduces me to a "salesman" or "salesmoron" as we now like to call him. i tell him we have a contract for two phones, he needs to look up the account. i give him photo id, he tells me that i am not ari ganchrow, i tell him that i know this, my kids start backing up...slowly, he askes me if ari ganchrow is in the mall, i tell him that i am his wife, my kids continue backing up, he tells me that he can't give me any information without ari ganchrow's consent, i tell him that ari ganchrow never has consent and that i am his wife, he tells me i should call ari ganchrow, my kids are now huddled by the door, i ask why he can't tell me about a family plan, he tells me that ari ganchrow's account is like a bank account and he can't give me any information, i ask him if he thinks i am ari ganchrows fake wife with two fake kids that i just happened to find at the mall, my kids are starting to shake, i tell the man that he has been of no help and we are off to verizon....the "greeter" wishes me a nice day...i tell her what she can do with her nice kids are on the phone with their therapist....

we still don't have a family plan. but my kids did congratulate me on not cursing and not yelling...and then they took me for ice cream as a reward...

happy tuesday

Monday, May 10, 2010

monday may 10, 2010

the day after.....

the day after mothers day is like the day after a nuclear explosion. on the one hand, you are happy to still be alive, on the other hand, you have a lot of cleaning up to do. you no longer can say to your husband or kids "but it's mothers day, you do it...." nope, that line doesn't cut it the day after. but what about the things your spouse said he would do on mothers day that he forgot to do? the promises he made to have to go clean the gutters today, because it's the day after and you are back in charge....but he said that he would change the oil? sorry lady, you are on your own, don't forget to put on some gloves...

the day after mothers day totally sucks!!!!! though, i can't imagine that the husbands feel the same way....because some husbands (i am actually not referring to ari, for once) dont even feel they need to celebrate mothers day...when one husband was asked what he did for his wife on mothers day he responded "nothing, she's not my mother..." so i asked what he did for his mother and he said "my wife bought her a card...." hey dummy, if your wife is buying your mother a card, i am thinking a piece of jewelry is in order!!! (and at that moment i said a silent prayer that my sons won't grow up to be totally clueless husbands....)

so today, some husbands are patting themselves on the back for bringing breakfast in bed or buying show tickets, hoping they will be rewarded at some point before fathers day...and other husbands are patting themselves on the back for standing their ground and treating their wives the same way they do every day of the year...and are also hoping to be rewarded at some point before fathers day....ladies-we just can't win.

someone once said that everyday is mothers day....i would really like to meet the idiot that said that...because the truth is, there is only ONE mothers day..and every other day is the DAY AFTER mothers day...we work all year for that one day....sometimes, we are disappointed, sometimes we are pleasantly surprised...but every day we should feel extremely blessed.

happy monday

Sunday, May 9, 2010

sunday may 9, 2010

mothers day....

my mother is not happy with me because i didn't have a chance to buy her a card. i was going to go last night, but there was a wind advisory, and since i am so thin, i was afraid i would blow away. so, instead of a paper card, i attempted to send her an E-card, and because i am getting old, and not that bright(i have always been not-that-bright) i sent her an e birthday card instead of an e mothers day card. when asked why i sent her a birthday card, my only defense was "i clicked on the mothers day card option, and thought that is what i got...its the thought that counts." better luck next year. and it will probably take me at least that long to make it up to my mom....gee, i wonder where i get grudge holding from???

as for my mothers boys were awesome. i got breakfast in bed...pancakes(with syrup) and chocolate milk(made from scratch...jack milked the cow and everything...)of course, when i asked him if he wanted some of the chocolate milk he said "it's got gross white things floating on top, i am not drinking that..." again, the thought that counts. i got really funny cards (thanks MW)and i am going to see Rock of Ages this week...80's music and alcohol-it doesn't get any better than that....i also received an adorable little ihome so i can listen to music (again, 80's..)while i clean the kitchen(so back to 80's music AND alcohol...) it was only 9 am and so far so good....

went to spinning....went to be with ari's family (that mikes hard lemonade totally rocks)...and went to watch son #3 play baseball in the freezing cold (he was 4 for 4 so cold shmold, i had a kid in a great mood...) and now i am home sharing my wonderful but boring-to-you day.

and that's all i got.

hope you all had a happy mothers day

Happy Sunday

Friday, May 7, 2010

friday,may 7,2010

what being a mom means to me...please dont fall asleep reading this

since i only have boys, i will not be able to put in any of the cliched lines such as these...

"i love being a role model to my daugher" (oh, maybe THAT is why god didn't give me girls..)

"I love taking my little girl shopping" (if i had a girl, chances are, she wouldn't be little and i wouldn't love taking her shopping)

"taking my daughter for mani-pedis is the highlight of my week" (wtf is a mani-pedi?)

but since i have is what being a mom means to me....

being a mom of boys means fearing that my sons will bring home someone like me...

being a mom of boys means never having to say "it's time to take you shopping for a bra..."

being a mom of boys means learning how to put on a cup...

being a mom of boys means always having to say "would you please put your laundry in the hamper and not on the floor where someone will trip on it and kill themselves?!?!?!"

being a mom of boys means always knowing the box scores when they wake up in the morning so you can let them know if their teams won....

being a mom of boys means having to say, at least once a week, "i dont have one, please go ask your father...."

being a mom of boys means knowing how to get to modells with your eyes closed...

being a mom of boys means learning that "icing" isn't what is on a cake...but something having to do with hockey that i still don't understand, but don't tell my kids....

being a mom of boys means not having to teach anyone the joys of control top stockings...

being a mom of boys means sneaking in hugs and kisses when no one is looking...

being a mom of boys means enjoying every single minute with them....until they move on to the next woman in their life......

happy mothers day to mothers of sons and daughters...

happy friday.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

thursday may 6, 2010

another theory....mothers day vs fathers day

though i have had thoughts about this blog running through my head for the past week or so, watching last night's episode of the middle made me want to bring it to fruition....

what is mothers day? on mothers day, the husband decides that since it is only one day, perhaps he can play the role of the mother...bringing her food, taking care of the kids, cleaning up the kitchen, making sure that she can have a restful,pleasant day.....that being said, i have been thinking about fathers day..

if on mothers day, the husband is supposed to act like the mother (minus the moodiness, crankiness and screaming) then on fathers day, the mother is supposed to be play the role of the father (minus the constant need for affection, attention and sports). so this year, on fathers day, i am going to wake up at 6 in the morning and leave the house until 8 at night. i am going to earn money(anyone need a babysitter?) and then i am going to come home and expect dinner on the table(leftovers are totally acceptable)and to be given a few moments of peace and quiet(and the remote)after my long hard day at work ....

how is that? this year we have no plans for mothers day(exept for baseball, of course) i don't expect any grand gestures...i just want to go spinning and to have my family tell me how wonderful they think i am(to be said with a straight face) and how much they appreciate all i do for them (also to be said with a straight face.) I am actually thinking of hiding everyones socks and underwear just to see how they handle that knowing that it is mother's day and that no one is supposed to bother me...

in a perfect world, every day should be mothers day (sorry dads...) but, since moshiach isn't here and it still isn't perfect...i will take my one day a year and appreciate every minute...

3 more shopping days until mothers day....(in case you didn't know)

happy thursday

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

wednesday may5, 2010

too old for the apple store part 2

i was unable to fully describe my experience yesterday at the apple store. perhaps that was because i was blogging on one of their "test" computers and i was standing up(i guess i think better sitting down perhaps indicating where my brain actually is instead of where it should be) and i had no idea what i was doing, as matthew had to log me on to the internet just to start...

everyone wants to help you in that store...there are about 30 people in blue shirts that are always asking "how can i help you?""are you being helped" "has anyone asked you if you needed help" i decided i need a staff like that in my awesome would it be to come home after a long day and have 30 people ask me if they can cook dinner or put the groceries away or help the boys with their homework(i never actually do that, but it would be nice to have someone ask me if they could do it for me....)

in the back of the store they have the "genius bar" i think it is called a bar, or maybe i was just hoping that is was a bar....but as soon as i saw the word genius, i knew i would never be applying for a job there...and what qualifies these people as being geniuses? perhaps it is because they know how to use the computers and i am still scared of them....

and then, i was eavesdropping on one of the conversations that a mac doctor was having with a very attractive customer(first i thought is was ari...but it wasnt,but man, the guy looked JUST LIKE ari..except for the awesome "sleeve"tattoo on his left arm...)anyway, the doctor was telling him the virtues of "backing up" his fact, his exact words word "it is really good to be backed up.." well, mr mac doctor, i have to disagree with you, because when i am backed up, i am especially cranky...i was about to tell the guy this when jack saw my face and knew exactly what i was thinking and said... "mom, if you dare say a word to that guy...i am leaving the store..."

ok, he didn't really say that to me, but he did know what i was we had to leave the computer in the mac hospital....and much to my chagrin the doctor did explain to me what he thought was wrong with the computer, but all i heard was the voice of charlie brown's teacher...waa wa waa wa waa wa...and then something about calling me and then i really really needed a real bar that had no geniuses in it...just coconut rum and pineapple juice.....

get well jack's computer....may you have a speedy, inexpensive recovery..

happy wednesday

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

tuesday, may 4, from the apple store

another you know you are getting old when.....

i am currently at the mall because jack's mac needs a doctor. our first stop was baby gap...i ask the man helping me if the babies ever complain about how loud the music is in there...he laughed at me and then offered me a geritol...

off to the apple store where we made an appt(did you know that you had to make an appt?) my kids feel very comfortable in here...they are playing with the gadgets while we wait for the mac doctor to give us a diagnosis....i feel like i am in a foreign land where i don't know the language...i just had a discussion with the mac doctor about why apple went from the little cute ipod to the big heavy ipad-doesn't technology go from bigger to smaller? i used the example of the 8 track tape machine as the example....he looked at me with kind eyes, clearly had no idea what an 8 track is and then, he too, handed me a geritol(first he told me to take a seat because i am the oldest person currently in this store....)

btw(that means by the way for you older folk) do any of you even know what geritol is? it's an OLD PERSON vitamin...who knew that was now protocol to give those out at the mall...

my kids are laughing at me, which makes me happy that at least i am making them happy by getting older....though i still have a few more minutes until we get the diagnosis...i hope it's a positive one, because if the man thinks that he will be able to explain to me about what is wrong..we will have some serious problems because i don't think there are any translators in here.....(though i am wondering if any of these friendly helpers in the blue shirts can get me a beverage...i think i am having another hot flash.....)

happy tuesday

Monday, May 3, 2010

monday may 3, 2010

it's almost mothers day....

for the first time in a long time ari and i went to the movies this weekend and saw date night with steve carell and tina fey. i love tina fey, i want to be tina fey-funny, smart successful...she totally rocks. anyway, when you see a movie like that, one that "exposes" what becomes of a's not all flowers and candy, romance and wooing....but getting through each day without killing eachother..and it makes you laugh, you realize that if there is a movie about it, it isn't just you!!! thank god, because i thought that i was the only one who made fun of her husband...obviously not, if IT'S IN A MOVIE...and i know the movie is not based on my life.....

recently, i got something in the mail that also made me realize that it isn't just my husband who needs a "nudge" is called the "guy's build it yourself guide to an amazing mother's day brunch." it is a step by step instruction booklet for men on how to make a brunch for their wives. It lists the "tools" needed, where to find the groceries(unfotunately it doesn't include to directions to a supermarket.. )There are also instructions on how to make a mimosa (sure, that is all my wife needs...more alcohol....and in the morning...)So clearly, my husband is not the only one who wouldn't be able to make brunch for me on his own. don't get me wrong, i know that i am still not getting a brunch because when i handed ari the manual, he laughed and said "what do you want me to do with this?" but it has instructions!! it has a picture of where the plate goes (but then the husband would have to know where the plates are in order to have a plate at all....)where the vase with the flower goes ( ha ha ha) where the croissant goes (honey, what's a croissant?) it is a well intentioned manual....but what do they say about the best intentions? ( i don't know...what do the say about the best intentions?)

so we take the good and the bad and we all have good and bad...(even me, though that is hard for me to admit...)and we take one day at a time and hope we live to see the next day and the day after that.....and hope that we laugh more than we cry...

happy monday

Sunday, May 2, 2010

sunday may 2, 2010..less than 6 months...oh boy

bobsey twins 2010..or...I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!
(all names have been changed to protect the innocent...)

It all started a few weeks ago in a swanky, exclusive dress shop in the fancy five towns...a store known for its discretion, its selection and its ridiculous prices....kayeesha stern was looking for a new dress and the sales lady knew just the dress for kayeesha..."no one else is will have this dress-it was made for you, fits you perfectly, brings out the color of your is YOUR oscar will be the only one to have it..i promise."

kayeesha left the store feeling invincible. the dress gave her confidence...she couldn't wait to accesorize and really make it her own...but more importantly...she couldn't wait to wear it to her cousin's wedding...

the morning of the wedding kayeesha had her hair done, her nails, her toes, belly button ring was polished and she put on her new, one of kind, no one else on the eastern seaboard owns dress. and she felt great...and she looked great...and she and her husband went to the wedding.

kayeesha sauntered into the shmorgasbord (how do you spell that?) room and saw her twin across the room..wait a second...kayeesha doesn't have a twin....SOMEONE WAS WEARING HER DRESS!!!! the one of kind...i promise on the life of my puppy that no one else will have this dress dress....the twin turned and saw kayeesha and the same look of horror came over her face as well.....and then they looked at their husbands....who almost simultaneosly said to their wives "no honey, you look so much better than she does...of course you isn't even a question...."

tears were shed...but the twins got it together and enjoyed the wedding. and then they came home, put the dresses in their closets and vowed never to wear them again.....

the end

happy sunday