i'm sorry..
I must admit, i've been suffering from writers block. It seems that once you blog about your husband setting himself on fire, it is hard to find a topic to top that(and the topics that do top that are on the "forbidden" subjects list..ie, in laws, neighbors, kids school, etc) So, this will be a let down and for that, I apologize.
Today is February 29th..my cousin Bernard would have been 108 today(dont worry, I am not about to explain who cousin Bernard is, but he should rest in peace and he was an incredible, wonderful, smart man)We were blessed to celebrate his 104th birthday with him, four years ago, and then he passed away a few weeks after that. Why am i telling you this? well, in honor of his birthday, which, as i just mentioned, is only every four years, I was going to buy an ice cream cake for the family to celebrate his memory, but that was soon shot down because of the rampant lactose intolerance that members of my family are subject to, and since we have son #2's hockey game tonight, we didn't want to chance anyone spending the whole evening in the bathroom..but, upon thinking about the "once every four year thing" i realized that IN four years, god willing, I will have a son in college(unless he decides to stay in Israel for another year, which will mean I am not longer speaking to husband #1 since he encouraged son #1 to go in the first place), one son a senior in high school and one son a freshman in high school. Holy Freaking Crap. Some of my friends could have married kids or grandchildren. Holy Freaking Crap. I will definitely be all gray and husband #1 will still be bald(still not my fault, he was bald when we married..)
And then i heard my mother's voice saying "don't rush the years," which she is so right about(got to give her credit for being right since I blame so many other things on her...)and i was transported back to today, not getting the ice cream cake and taking things one day at a time.
See, it's hard to top your husband setting himself on fire!!!!!
Happy Wednesday
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Monday february 13, 2012
you can't make this stuff up...
Some of you think i exaggerate some of my tales. Truth is, i do tend to use my poetic license from time to time. And then, there are those other times, when I wish I could make stuff up. Like when husband #1 and I were first married and after the ceremony, we went into a room together to "be alone" for the first time..I was all giddy and excited and he, well, he spent the next 20 minutes in the bathroom. I am not making that up.
Or when the boys were little..really little, like 1 and 2 years old little, and one of them came in to my room to tell me that the other one was playing with chocolate and got it all over the carpet. It wasn't chocolate. And it was all over the carpet. I am not making that up.
And then there was this past weekend. We attended the bar mitzvah of a very adorable boy who lives next door to us. Since it was at a hotel, husband #1 decided to pack his very favorite suit. He loves that suit. He bought it for son #1's bar mitzvah(and then wore it to son #2's bar mitzvah..those poor middle children, can't even get their parents to buy some new clothes for their celebrations...) It is his best suit. He even has a tie that coordinates with the suit.
So we are at the bar mitzvah, it's Friday night. We had just finished a lovely dinner that was accompanied by lovely cocktails, lovely conversation and lovely speeches and we were perusing the desserts hoping to find some stella doro cookies(for husband #1) or linzer tarts(for the fat trophy wife)since all we found was not what we were looking for(but all beautifully presented, just too fancy for the folks in the cheap clothes) we engaged in more conversation. While trying to convince a friend of ours about the joys of cruising..how he should take his wife on a short cruise, just to see if he would be sea sick the whole time, husband #1 chimes in and says "does it smell like something is burning?" I sniffed and said yes, and while saying yes, i notice the smoke billowing out from husband #1's back and I say, perhaps a little too loudly "Holy crap honey(see, I said honey,actually, that was poetic license) you are on fire!!" (and not on fire like, lets rush up to our hotel room and put out the fire, wink wink..it was an actual holy&*&* you are on fire, fire...)
Yes, husband #1 had sat on a candle and set himself on fire. Like Michael Jackson in the pepsi commercial fire. Like...well, like what happens when you aren't paying attention and you sit on a candle fire. It was funny and sad all at the same time because upon turning around to let me assess the damage, he, indeed, had burned a hole through his favorite suit. (but THANK GOD, he was ok...pheww...party planner avoided a HUGE lawsuit...we can still be friends with the people who made the simcha...)But the suit jacket did not fare as well. And fat trophy wife spent the next day asking anyone in a suit, where they buy their suits. Poor husband #1, he has to live with me AND it looks like I burn him with cigar butts....
Fortunately, he had brought a second suit with him, which, to me, looked exactly like the first suit, but who am i to judge, as I walk around in my biggest loser sweatshirt, and he stayed away from anything with a flame for the rest of the weekend(which was not easy to do, since he was with me, wink wink...yuck, i am kidding.)
And today, I will be bringing the ill-fated jacket to our friend the dry cleaner, to see if he can work a miracle and fix the poor thing.
To be continued, because there should be a ton of material in suit shopping with husband #1....
Happy Monday
Some of you think i exaggerate some of my tales. Truth is, i do tend to use my poetic license from time to time. And then, there are those other times, when I wish I could make stuff up. Like when husband #1 and I were first married and after the ceremony, we went into a room together to "be alone" for the first time..I was all giddy and excited and he, well, he spent the next 20 minutes in the bathroom. I am not making that up.
Or when the boys were little..really little, like 1 and 2 years old little, and one of them came in to my room to tell me that the other one was playing with chocolate and got it all over the carpet. It wasn't chocolate. And it was all over the carpet. I am not making that up.
And then there was this past weekend. We attended the bar mitzvah of a very adorable boy who lives next door to us. Since it was at a hotel, husband #1 decided to pack his very favorite suit. He loves that suit. He bought it for son #1's bar mitzvah(and then wore it to son #2's bar mitzvah..those poor middle children, can't even get their parents to buy some new clothes for their celebrations...) It is his best suit. He even has a tie that coordinates with the suit.
So we are at the bar mitzvah, it's Friday night. We had just finished a lovely dinner that was accompanied by lovely cocktails, lovely conversation and lovely speeches and we were perusing the desserts hoping to find some stella doro cookies(for husband #1) or linzer tarts(for the fat trophy wife)since all we found was not what we were looking for(but all beautifully presented, just too fancy for the folks in the cheap clothes) we engaged in more conversation. While trying to convince a friend of ours about the joys of cruising..how he should take his wife on a short cruise, just to see if he would be sea sick the whole time, husband #1 chimes in and says "does it smell like something is burning?" I sniffed and said yes, and while saying yes, i notice the smoke billowing out from husband #1's back and I say, perhaps a little too loudly "Holy crap honey(see, I said honey,actually, that was poetic license) you are on fire!!" (and not on fire like, lets rush up to our hotel room and put out the fire, wink wink..it was an actual holy&*&* you are on fire, fire...)
Yes, husband #1 had sat on a candle and set himself on fire. Like Michael Jackson in the pepsi commercial fire. Like...well, like what happens when you aren't paying attention and you sit on a candle fire. It was funny and sad all at the same time because upon turning around to let me assess the damage, he, indeed, had burned a hole through his favorite suit. (but THANK GOD, he was ok...pheww...party planner avoided a HUGE lawsuit...we can still be friends with the people who made the simcha...)But the suit jacket did not fare as well. And fat trophy wife spent the next day asking anyone in a suit, where they buy their suits. Poor husband #1, he has to live with me AND it looks like I burn him with cigar butts....
Fortunately, he had brought a second suit with him, which, to me, looked exactly like the first suit, but who am i to judge, as I walk around in my biggest loser sweatshirt, and he stayed away from anything with a flame for the rest of the weekend(which was not easy to do, since he was with me, wink wink...yuck, i am kidding.)
And today, I will be bringing the ill-fated jacket to our friend the dry cleaner, to see if he can work a miracle and fix the poor thing.
To be continued, because there should be a ton of material in suit shopping with husband #1....
Happy Monday
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday february 5, 2012
boo hoo no more football
SPOILER ALERT: the giants won the superbowl. Yippee doo da day. This family would've been much happier if the Vikings or the Panthers or the Rams or the Dolphins won, but what can you do. None of this make me any more or less cranky than i was before so there you have it. Football season is over and now we can concentrate on planning our 7th annual Ganchrow Family Roadtrip also known as "wow, that Banji is the best mom in the entire world."
But, before we get into that, we need to discuss my friend Madonna and the 1/2 time show. Now Madonna really isn't my friend, but I have always felt a connection to her and not because our physiques are so similar, it is because my Jack and her Lourdes were born only a few weeks apart from each other and we got to experience labor, delivery, first night home from the hospital and the joy of becoming a mother together. Of course Lourdes has a baby daddy and Jack has real daddy, but we still have a bond. I have to say, that Madonna actually dressed her age tonight. It was a little disappointing. I was expecting booby cones with fireworks shooting out of them...I was looking forward to seeing her arms that she works so hard to maintain...her bedonkadonk that could make a 20 year gym rat cry in jealousy over...she has a rocking bod, at 53, and she dressed like a grandmother. Ok, a young, hip, sexy grandmother-but she did not dress like the Madonna I know and love. The Madonna that shocked the nation with "like a virgin" and that book she came out with when she was hailing a cab naked(what was the name of that book?) Her voice was awesome, couldnt tell if it was real or prerecorded. I could've done with out ceelo green..he creeps me out a little bit. Seal might've been a better option, and it could have taken his mind off the fact that he will soon no longer be married to Heidi..breaks my heart.
Anyway, Madonna was awesome, poor song choice and all...even with her almost falling on her tushy..she still rocks after being in the business for so many years. I hope to look like her when i am 53 (ha ha ha ha...yes, i know that will never happen and that is ok..because it has to be..)
So congratulations to the Giants..I am only happy because Eli and Payton are brothers who have made their mom really proud over the years...just like when the Niedermayer brothers were both on the Ducks when they won the stanley cup-i was bawling like a baby thinking of the joy they had brought their mom...
I am fully aware that the Ganchrow boys, as talented and athletic as they are, will never bring me a superbowl ring or a stanley cup..but what they bring me means so much more...they bring me meaning to my life, a reason to get up in the morning and the joy of being able to put the seat down every single day...love you guys!!!!
Happy Sunday...onto the next sport....
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Wednesday February 1, 2012
crap im old....but in a good way...
I must begin by saying that the cruise was amazing. It was amazing on so many different levels, the highest of which being my son got to reenact his bar mitzvah while sailing on the atlantic(well, he wasnt actually doing the sailing because that might not have ended well..but he was reading his torah portion while the captain was guiding our ship through the beautiful waters of the east coast and on saturday, the waters were still beautiful, it wasn't until we pulled into baltimore that the waters became a funnier looking color....)So that was really special. Rabbi Simon, who is the chabad rabbi in teaneck entrusted a torah to our fearless president of anshei menachem of the high seas, we will call him Doug, and president Doug did a great job keeping the torah safe and bringing us all that much closer to the coming of Moshiach. And to be perfectly honest, there were so many really fat women on the cruise, it was easy for all these guys to go to minyan 3 times a day cause there wasn't much out on deck to look at.(Oops, sorry Doug, I just brought us that much further from the coming of Moshiach..really sorry..) The whole experience was amazing. We had never vacationed with friends before (find that hard to believe do ya? why, because i am so easy to get along with?or, because people in my community tend to travel in packs?) and it was worth the wait. Of course, none of them have returned my calls since we got back, but that is ok..im not taking it personally(im kidding, by the way) President Doug's wife told me that she likes vacation Banji a lot more than real life Banji and truth be told, she is right. Vacation Banji isn't a beotch who snaps at everyone...vacation Banji doesn't complain about stupid things that other people do or say...well, that's because vacation Banji sits her fat bedonkadonk down on a lounge chair, closes her eyes, listens to the sounds of the ocean and doesn't have to talk to a single person that she doesnt want to...and, there are cocktails!!
This is totally not what i wanted to write about tonight...I wanted to write about the 15 year old kid who cut my hair today who told me he was making his dad a surprise 50th birthday party. Um, 50 is only 9 years away(with god's help) and im just hoping that my kids learn how to use the oven by then....but here is hoping they can do a lot more than that!
Happy Wednesday
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Vacation 2012..new post..not a repeat...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
It's another saturday night..husband #1 took the boys to a Nets game, courtesy of cheap tickets on stubhub(is there any other kind of ticket?) and i'm home doing typical Cinderella stuff. Many of you think that I should get a job to contribute to the financial well being of my family. To you, I say..bite me. I am currently wearing a 22 year old tshirt that I think i bought in great adventure with my friend Deva and pants that i got at target on sale...I bought 48 boxes of pasta when they were only 49 cents each and the black dress I wear to various weddings and bat mitzvahs is the same one I wore when i got married..(well, I didn't wear it to my wedding..i wore it the night after my wedding..insert lewd comment here)..
Anyway, the one good thing that husband #1's parents taught him(see, giving credit where credit is due) was the importance of taking a vacation without your children(refrain from comment here..). I have been quite lucky that for the past few years, we have taken some really nice vacations sans kids. But last year I realized that son #1 will be going to Israel in the blink of an eye, and since he is a son and not a daughter, that, I hear from many wise moms-of-boys, is the beginning of the end(good end for the son, bad end for the mom)And that is when I broke the bad news to husband #1- no more vacations without the kids. They are coming with us..wherever we go. I don't care if they fight, throw things at each other, yell, scream, wrestle..goddamit, those kids are coming with us because we love them and soon, they will only want to be with their in laws and we will never see them again unless we end up in the hospital(god forbid) or beg and plead for them to come for a visit...not a long visit, just enough for them to drop off the grandkids and go on vacation. Wow, that was some tangent.
We are taking the kids on vacation...the past two years, our vacation involved son #1 and I raising over 7 thousand dollars for chai lifeline so we could do the half marathon. This year, we are taking them on a cruise. A classy, white trashy, man do i look skinny Carnival cruise. Yes, Carnival owns the cruise line that sunk. Yes, i saw the pictures...yes, I am still going. No, I will not be drunk the whole time(alcohol is extra, silly, and if I am shlepping 24 cans of fanta for husband #1, do you really think I can spend money on alcohol???) I am hoping the boys will bond and realize how lucky they are to be going on a vacation and spending it together..I am hoping that they will take a vacation from fighting and won't throw each other over board(though I know there are security cameras everywhere when i tried to get rid of husband #1 the first time we cruised...) I am hoping they appreciate the fact that their father and I are giving up alone time, so we can take in all of the precious moments that life gives us, but that pass all too quickly.
Who am I kidding...I hope they find friends and leave me alone for a few hours...
Happy Saturday
It's another saturday night..husband #1 took the boys to a Nets game, courtesy of cheap tickets on stubhub(is there any other kind of ticket?) and i'm home doing typical Cinderella stuff. Many of you think that I should get a job to contribute to the financial well being of my family. To you, I say..bite me. I am currently wearing a 22 year old tshirt that I think i bought in great adventure with my friend Deva and pants that i got at target on sale...I bought 48 boxes of pasta when they were only 49 cents each and the black dress I wear to various weddings and bat mitzvahs is the same one I wore when i got married..(well, I didn't wear it to my wedding..i wore it the night after my wedding..insert lewd comment here)..
Anyway, the one good thing that husband #1's parents taught him(see, giving credit where credit is due) was the importance of taking a vacation without your children(refrain from comment here..). I have been quite lucky that for the past few years, we have taken some really nice vacations sans kids. But last year I realized that son #1 will be going to Israel in the blink of an eye, and since he is a son and not a daughter, that, I hear from many wise moms-of-boys, is the beginning of the end(good end for the son, bad end for the mom)And that is when I broke the bad news to husband #1- no more vacations without the kids. They are coming with us..wherever we go. I don't care if they fight, throw things at each other, yell, scream, wrestle..goddamit, those kids are coming with us because we love them and soon, they will only want to be with their in laws and we will never see them again unless we end up in the hospital(god forbid) or beg and plead for them to come for a visit...not a long visit, just enough for them to drop off the grandkids and go on vacation. Wow, that was some tangent.
We are taking the kids on vacation...the past two years, our vacation involved son #1 and I raising over 7 thousand dollars for chai lifeline so we could do the half marathon. This year, we are taking them on a cruise. A classy, white trashy, man do i look skinny Carnival cruise. Yes, Carnival owns the cruise line that sunk. Yes, i saw the pictures...yes, I am still going. No, I will not be drunk the whole time(alcohol is extra, silly, and if I am shlepping 24 cans of fanta for husband #1, do you really think I can spend money on alcohol???) I am hoping the boys will bond and realize how lucky they are to be going on a vacation and spending it together..I am hoping that they will take a vacation from fighting and won't throw each other over board(though I know there are security cameras everywhere when i tried to get rid of husband #1 the first time we cruised...) I am hoping they appreciate the fact that their father and I are giving up alone time, so we can take in all of the precious moments that life gives us, but that pass all too quickly.
Who am I kidding...I hope they find friends and leave me alone for a few hours...
Happy Saturday
Monday, January 9, 2012
monday january 9, 2012
excuse me, im having a hot flash, is this seat taken?
Before i begin my "holier than thou" monologue, this blog does not apply to any one related to the person who made the simcha or the people who did the right thing, and you know who you are....and here i go...
This past sunday I attended the festive circumcision of a young man who was born into one of the most amazing families I know. Wonderful aunts and uncles, incredible grandparents..the whole 9 yards. Yet, when i entered the room where breakfast was being served, i was surprised to find most of those people standing, along with various middle-age to elderly friends and other assorted relatives of the family. And while these kind older people were standing (and when i say older, i dont mean they look older, they all look fabulous, just, chronologically, they happen to be older...) there seem to be an overabundance of young people sitting. And when i say young people, i mean people under the age of 6 and their parents, who are under the age of 30.
This brings me back to my self righteous opinion of "who is a good person." Is a good person someone who covers their hair and doesn't make out with their husband in public(yuck..sorry husband #1) or is a good person someone who gives their seat, and the seat of their snotty nosed child(or in the case of this particular function, snotty nosed children) to an elderly couple who can barely stand...hmmmm, let me think...Yes, i know this was a sunday morning circumcision and you need to get the kids out of the house, but, right is right people. There are 50 gray haired young folks looking for seats, get your kids up and do the right thing...its not like you are still pregnant, you are nursing the baby at the table for gods sakes..baby is born, give up your seat!!
I firmly maintain that if your child is not yet old enough for you to cut his hair, he should not have his own seat when there are older people standing. If your child does not know the difference between a pancake and a napkin(and is happy to chew on either) he should not have a seat..im just saying....I did not know the majority of the people at this simcha, probably because they arent old enough to attend the pre-menopause support group that i attend, but i was not very impressed.
Man i feel better. Yes, i know i need professional help....
Happy Monday
Before i begin my "holier than thou" monologue, this blog does not apply to any one related to the person who made the simcha or the people who did the right thing, and you know who you are....and here i go...
This past sunday I attended the festive circumcision of a young man who was born into one of the most amazing families I know. Wonderful aunts and uncles, incredible grandparents..the whole 9 yards. Yet, when i entered the room where breakfast was being served, i was surprised to find most of those people standing, along with various middle-age to elderly friends and other assorted relatives of the family. And while these kind older people were standing (and when i say older, i dont mean they look older, they all look fabulous, just, chronologically, they happen to be older...) there seem to be an overabundance of young people sitting. And when i say young people, i mean people under the age of 6 and their parents, who are under the age of 30.
This brings me back to my self righteous opinion of "who is a good person." Is a good person someone who covers their hair and doesn't make out with their husband in public(yuck..sorry husband #1) or is a good person someone who gives their seat, and the seat of their snotty nosed child(or in the case of this particular function, snotty nosed children) to an elderly couple who can barely stand...hmmmm, let me think...Yes, i know this was a sunday morning circumcision and you need to get the kids out of the house, but, right is right people. There are 50 gray haired young folks looking for seats, get your kids up and do the right thing...its not like you are still pregnant, you are nursing the baby at the table for gods sakes..baby is born, give up your seat!!
I firmly maintain that if your child is not yet old enough for you to cut his hair, he should not have his own seat when there are older people standing. If your child does not know the difference between a pancake and a napkin(and is happy to chew on either) he should not have a seat..im just saying....I did not know the majority of the people at this simcha, probably because they arent old enough to attend the pre-menopause support group that i attend, but i was not very impressed.
Man i feel better. Yes, i know i need professional help....
Happy Monday
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Sunday January 1,2012
It's 2012??
I am not quite sure how we got to 2012. I mean, I know how we got here, but I still can't believe that another year has gone by. Looking back, I still remember thinking that I was going to be 30 in the year 2000 and that seemed like a million years away and now it's 2012 and I'm way past 30...(but still look like I'm 28 and act like I'm 12...) I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was saying that every day feels like the same thing..over and over again, truth be told, to a certain extent, she is right, but with all of the crappy things that have happened to people I care about this year, I will take the monotony over uncertainty any day(of course I say this as I am lounging in bed while husband #1 is playing the role of referee while son #3 is screaming his brains out and sons 1 and 2 are running for cover..) There is something to be said for knowing what comes next, or at least thinking we know what comes next...
And as I watched the new weight watchers commercial at the stroke of midnight(god bless that Jennifer Hudson...can't wait to see what song she sings when she gets pregnant again..), I thought of my resolutions for the new year. We had our "young friends" over last night(and it got pretty crazy with three of their kids over..) and I asked my friend what her resolution was and she replied "not to yell so much." And that is when it hit me. I am not making any new years resolutions because if I have learned anything in my 41 years of life, it's that I suck at the follow through.
I would love not yell so much and have my kids think I am Mary Sunshine...but that's not going to happen. If anything, my mood disorder keeps them on their toes. I would love to be a nicer person, but I don't really like a lot of people because they continually disappoint you, so scratch that resolution. Basically, the only things I can resolve is that I will not kill anyone, on purpose anyway, I will not have an affair(too much effort and really, one is enough, husband that is, not affair, just to be clear) and I will try my best to try my best....that is all I can do.
Wishing all of you a happy and healthy 2012, filled with all the things you wish for yourselves...
Happy Sunday
I am not quite sure how we got to 2012. I mean, I know how we got here, but I still can't believe that another year has gone by. Looking back, I still remember thinking that I was going to be 30 in the year 2000 and that seemed like a million years away and now it's 2012 and I'm way past 30...(but still look like I'm 28 and act like I'm 12...) I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was saying that every day feels like the same thing..over and over again, truth be told, to a certain extent, she is right, but with all of the crappy things that have happened to people I care about this year, I will take the monotony over uncertainty any day(of course I say this as I am lounging in bed while husband #1 is playing the role of referee while son #3 is screaming his brains out and sons 1 and 2 are running for cover..) There is something to be said for knowing what comes next, or at least thinking we know what comes next...
And as I watched the new weight watchers commercial at the stroke of midnight(god bless that Jennifer Hudson...can't wait to see what song she sings when she gets pregnant again..), I thought of my resolutions for the new year. We had our "young friends" over last night(and it got pretty crazy with three of their kids over..) and I asked my friend what her resolution was and she replied "not to yell so much." And that is when it hit me. I am not making any new years resolutions because if I have learned anything in my 41 years of life, it's that I suck at the follow through.
I would love not yell so much and have my kids think I am Mary Sunshine...but that's not going to happen. If anything, my mood disorder keeps them on their toes. I would love to be a nicer person, but I don't really like a lot of people because they continually disappoint you, so scratch that resolution. Basically, the only things I can resolve is that I will not kill anyone, on purpose anyway, I will not have an affair(too much effort and really, one is enough, husband that is, not affair, just to be clear) and I will try my best to try my best....that is all I can do.
Wishing all of you a happy and healthy 2012, filled with all the things you wish for yourselves...
Happy Sunday
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