Sunday, June 26, 2011

Sunday June 26,2011

Why I'm a good mom even though I made my kids walk home from the orthodontist and I'm happy they are leaving for camp.....

By, banji d latkin-ganchrow

I am a good mom because I nursed my kids for a combined total of 30 months and gave up drugs and alcohol to do so.

I am a good mom because I do my kids laundry, each child separately in order not to confuse anyones socks, boxers or wife-beaters, even though they all pretty much wear the same size, but god forbid son #1 should get son #2's socks, because they have cooties and the world would come to an end.

I am a good mom because I don't force feed my children food they don't like(so bad mom in the eyes of the American pediatric association, good mom in the eyes of my nutritionally deficient children).

I am a good mom because I make my kids laugh, even though it is usually at me instead of with me.

I am a good mom because I let my kids watch tv during the school year(criticize all you want you know it all moms with the well disciplined children..I only have sons and I have to get all the brownie points I can get before they settle on a nursing home for me...)

I am a good mom because I can admit the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing and each day is a crap shoot.

I am a good mom because even though I made them walk home from the orthodontist, the alternative would have gotten me put in jail.....

And though I am giddy and gleeful that they are leaving me tomorrow for 7 1/2 weeks, I love them more than anything in the world(including husband that wrong?) and I will miss them everyday...for at least 3 minutes....

Happy sunday

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Sunday June 19,2011

Fathers day

My favorite part of fathers day is looking through all of the catalogues at the "gifts for dad."....the selection is really quite amazing. Now this year, I got my dad a new garbage can, as the squirrels in fair lawn have feasted mightily upon his old cans, so I thought this would be a thoughtful, yet practical gift. When you ask my dad what he wants for any occasion, he always responds "shalom bayit"( a peaceful house) and since I'm not great with that, I thought a garbage can would suffice.

But in looking for the perfect gift for husband #1, I go through the wares of various stores. Hmmm, should I get him new boxers?(and will he magically turn into the hot model wearing them?). Should I get him a hat that comes with an attached fan so it will keep him cool while he is gardening?(does he know if we have a garden?) ooh, what about the useful barbque tongs that also double as a radio, thermometer and lighting rod? That would come in handy when he is watching me grill. Oh, this one is good, the power tool...hmm, should I get the chain saw in red or blue? (does life insurance cover chainsaw "accidents"??) Ah, the perfect gift..a crafstman tool set from sears-but then, we would never talk to our neighbors because we wouldn't need to borrow screwdrivers, or Alan wrenches, or hammers and nails, oh my!

Maybe, just maybe, the perfect gift would be if I didn't make fun of him in this blog..(is it too late for that?) have no fear, the boys got him a Yankees "worlds greatest dad" tshirt...(probably to make me feel bad, because it's always about me) but I'm happy to report that he really is a great dad and his boys are lucky to have him.

Happy fathers day

Happy sunday

Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday June 17,2011

What would mom have done...

I have often said that the iPad is the greatest invention. I keep it next to my bed and when I'm awake in the middle of the night, I can go online. I can facebook stalk people, yes, I am publicly admitting it. I also admit that, at times, I get a bit carried away, but if you are going to post pictures, and I'm not sure what someone is doing in that picture, I have to do some facebook research(stalking) and find out what it's all about. Anyway, not the point I'm going for.

It's graduation season. I have been looking at picture after picture of the beautiful graduates. Kids that I have known for almost their entire lives...and the only question I have is did anyone who graduated with me in 1984 from elementary school get their hair done for graduation??????? Was I the only one who didn't? Now I know that I am one of the few and proud who doesn't get coiffed before various parties, but was I supposed to start back in 84?? Is that where I went wrong?

My mom used to get a perm that made her hair look like someone put a bowl on it and curled the ends around the edge of the was real classy(sorry mom, but I've been making fun of that hair style for years) My paternall grandmother, who was quite the looker, used to go to the beauty parlor every week and had gorgeous, thick, fake blonde hair almost her entire life. And then, there is me, who gets her hair cut twice a year and usually wears it up in a clip. My point being, where did I go wrong? Is this something else I can blame on my mom?

So I took out my 1984 yavneh academy yearbook....and there we were..the beauties of graduation. Nope, not a one had their hair professionally done...and we all survived....barely. Guess I will have to find something else to blame on my mom...

Happy Friday and congratulations to the class of 2011. May all your dreams come true....

Friday, June 10, 2011

Frday June 10,2011

Weiners, wieners everywhere......

As many of you know I am not very political(or very bright) but this whole wiener thing has gotten me very upset. How many politicians have not been involved in some sort of scandal? How many politicians have not showed their wiener to a woman other than their wife? How many politicians live perfect, puritanical lives?

As a woman who lives in a house full of weiners, I fully support the big weiner in question(that would be Anthony, not a euphemism for husband #1) and hope he continues on his quest for mayor, governor, president..whatever dream he wants to fulfill-I support him(not financially, of course, nor can I vote for him-wait, is he a democrat?) because I believe that what a weiner chooses to do with his wiener has nothing to do with what he can do politically. (take, for example, the current wiener in charge of our country-no sex scandals, and look how fantastic he is doing....) so let's just leave this weiner alone.

And while we are on this subject, there was an article in the times(which we only got for two days while my parents were here) on mens swimsuits and how some styles are more flattering than others(which i really didnt understand because there is only so much you can do with a mens bathing suit, but, whatever...)This ties in with my weiner themed blog because two summers ago, I was at the swim club with someone, and I won't say who because I don't want to embarrass him, but it may or may not be someone I am currently or no longer married to, and while gazing at him in his lounge chair, my eyes happened upon something that should not have been showing, so I fully support the longer male swimsuit...don't care if it makes his legs look shorter or his belly bigger....some weiners need to stay out of the sun.

And there you have it.

Happy Friday

Monday, June 6, 2011

Monday June 6,2011

The art of exercise

In the early eighties, I had the joy of working out with Richard simmons. He came out with an exercise album(to be played on my ultra cool stereo)entitled Reach(I think that was the title...the record is still with the rest of my precious collection safe and sound within the confines of my white Formica bedroom set from rooms plus, god rest its retail soul)anyway, in those days, you couldn't see what he was doing(which is probably a good thing) but he would describe the exercises to you and you were able to follow along, more or less.

Then there was the Jane Fonda be played on your ultra modern video tape machine. I liked that workout mainly because I would put it in the machine, my mom would think chubby banji was partaking in some sort of physical activity that didn't involve climbing up on a kitchen chair to see what baked goods were being hidden from her, and then, with my mom safe upstairs, I would take a nap on the couch. It was win-win.

Over the years I have been to many gyms and have taken many different classes( no, really, I have, but thanks for playing into my low self esteem)I have always prided myself on being the fat chick who could keep up with the teacher. But, I'm sorry to report, that all of that changed today. My friend and I went back to the scene of the aquasize fiasco to try a "step II" class. There was no "step I" class being offered and since I hadn't taken a step class since the 90's, I figured how bad could it be.

It was bad. I think the teacher was on speed or maybe she wasn't a real teacher, but some sort of avatar that someone was pressing fast forward on because she was doing things on and off the step at the speed of light and I thought I was moving in slow motion, backwards,
with my feet in thick mud. It was the twilight zone of step classes and I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants.

We left the class and went down to the front desk to ask why the class was so complicated and why there was no beginners version and the lady said "oh, the classes here are very difficult." and all I wanted to say was, " Excuse me, but I was a member of THE GYM, where the most elite malnourished women in Bergen county spend their days burning calories that they dont consume and I kept up with them just fine...your gym sucks." but, I didn't. My friend and I did the treadmill and will have fond memories of the establishment that we will not be joining,

Happy monday

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sunday June 5,2011

I love a parade....

So I'm lying in bed, it's 210 pm, and ive already been to the Israeli day parade, watched 2/3rds of my kids march(sorry son #1, you just didn't coordinated with our very busy schedule)came home from the city, had a lovely lunch with the two kids we saw march, actually, three kids, if you include husband #1 who still thinks he is the mayor of the parade....and I'm so tired I can't even move. Frankly, I find the whole thing rather depressing. I was too tired to walk around and socialize...I sat in the grandstand seats with a bunch of old folks and I actually fit right in!!

My thoughts on the parade are as follows.....just like obama wants to cut the borders of the state of Israel, so has the parade route been cut. Didn't we used to march past 86th street? When did the route get so short? Are we encouraging our kids to be lazy? I'm assuming the route has gotten shorter because security has gotten more expensive and not because they are methodically trying to cut the parade down to five blocks and a hearty handshake..who knows. And don't ask me who "they" are because I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is that I'm so tired I need to go take a nap. Because I'm over 40...and because I thought it would be a good idea to get my walk in at 8 o clock in the morning....not such a good idea...

Happy Sunday

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Wednesday June 1,2011 happy birthday Jed Andrew latkin

Another first at forty

Since I have turned 40, I have had the privelage to experience many different firsts...the first time I realized that there were so many grays on my head that pulling them out with a tweezers would only make me bald, the first time I said "man, it's really hot in here" and everyone else in the room was freezing, the first time I had an "I'm 40" mammography, the first time I realized it was easier to read without my glasses, and then there was what happened today. My friend and I, for the first time, and I'm sorry that we didn't invite more people to come because laughter IS the best medicine....we did AQUASIZE. In a pool. With other people watching.

Let me begin by saying that my friend is much younger than I am. And when I say much, she still has a 3 as the first digit. Between the two of us, the average age in the pool came down about 40 years...When we get to the class, the lifeguard with the two hearing aids speeds over to us with his walker a-blazing and says "ladies, you are going to need to wear some sort of plastic over your heads because your hair is too long." wait, there is a pool full of 85 year old women with possible bladder control problems and I need to put a bag over my head? Yes, we did. My friend and I put these adorable and fashionable little white plastic garbage bags over our heads....and the fun began.

Aside from feeling like we were on the set of was quite humorous. Now I am fully aware that if god grants me the ability to live to an old age, I am going to be one cranky bitch-but, I hope I will be able to have a lovely pink hairdo and green eye shadow, with matching earrings, and be able to get my fat tushy into an aqua size class-because these women were having a ball. And I think the two men were also enjoying themselves.

As for my friend and I...well, we were just happy that we didn't see anyone we knew.....

Happy wednesday