Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday November 28,2010

Row row row your boat.....

So in the end, despite the original protest by some of my ungrateful children(we can't call them spoiled because they love traveling in a minivan and staying in crappy hotels)the banji birthday cruise was a success. Son #1 ate his weight in soft serve ice cream, son #2 didn't throw son #3 overboard, husband #1 got to relax and I got to sit in the sun and read two and a half books and not gain any weight(though if I had been able to take a stab at some of those buffets, that would not have happened...)

But more importantly, we had some real quality family bonding time that didn't involve any batting practices, extra innings or rain delays. The ship had a variety of shows ranging from "band on the run", which we renamed "bad on the run", to some real funny comedians to some cirque desoleil stuff. The cirque stuff had one woman in particular who we will call "bendy Barbie."

As I watched my boys watch this woman, a woman with no body fat, but perfect boobs, who was able to take her leg and put it over her shoulder...I wondered what was going through their minds. Luckily, son #3 let me know exactly what he was thinking when he covered his eyes and said "oh can see her underwear..". Kid, I don't think she is wearing any underwear- that looks like a full body stocking with tactfully placed sequins.....just a tad inappropriate for a cruise that had 850 kids on board.

Truthfully, I was more concerned that my boys would think all womens bodies bend like that....but then i remembered that I am their only female role model(heaven help them) and all they see me doing is bending down and picking up hopefully they will have realistic expectations of what women are capable of.....

Happy Sunday

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sunday November 21,2010

If I get arrested.....

Today we are leaving for the banji birthday family cruise...better known as "what the hell was I thinking". In the event that it does not go according to plan....plan being, sons#1, 2 and 3 get along perfectly, everyone ,besides me, finds something they like to eat, and husband #1 and I don't decide to get a quickie divorce in the Bahamas...please send this letter to the Norwegian cruise line police department...

Dear police chief:

It has come to our attention that you have arrested banji dawn latkin ganchrow for attempted murder. First of all, with a name like hers, you can't blame her for being a tad unhinged....but more importantly, the following reasons will shed new light on her situation and convince you to let her go free.

Packing for this cruise caused undue stress. It is very difficult to pack for three boys, four, if you include her first husband, when they all are picky about their food preferences. Ms. Latkin-ganchrow(no, she isn't a feminist, she just likes to annoy her first husband by using her maiden name)had to pack five packages of sprinkle cookies, six packages of not-too-well-done Stella doro cookies, six containers of pringles, three different kinds of Hershey kisses, two different kinds of soda, twenty four water bottles, three loaves of bread, four packages of cheese, six packages of turkey, three dozen rolls, a grilled cheese maker and a partridge in a pear tree-keeping in mind that the partridge would just not get into the suitcase.....

Once on board, sons # 1 and 2 deserted son#3, which caused that third son to run around the ship in a panic and then caused the captain of the ship to pull over in the middle of the ocean to reprimand her children. His exact words were "we are turning this ship around unless you kids can behave.". You can imagine her embarrassment and of course husband #1 was watching football in a bar(don't worry, he wasn't drinking...)somewhere on the other side of the boat and had no idea what was going on(surprising, I know).

In any event, it was just all too much for her and when she lined them all up and tried to throw them all overboard, something had come over her that she just couldn't control.

Please be lenient....she really is a good egg, deep, deep down.

Happy Sunday.....

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday November 19,2010

You just can't win.....ever

Because I am a totally selfless person, for my 40th birthday( yes, I know it's over, but it's all about me, so is it really ever over???) In lieu of diamond earrings, I told husband #1 that we should take our lovely boys on a cruise. HE wanted to go with just me(go figure) I thought it would be nice to take the kids on a vacation that didn't involve a motel 6 or peeing while the minivan was moving.

So for the last six weeks we have kept this secret from the kids. I was more excited about surprising them then I was about the actual cruise. Every time I would see one of those commercials on tv where the parents would surprise the kids with a trip to Disney world and the kids would scream their heads off with delight, I got so happy because I knew my kids reaction would be so similar and we would be making all of their dreams come true.

Who was I kidding??? What dream world was I living in. Son #1 informed me that he would rather stay home and I was ruining his vacation and son # 2 said he would rather go to a rams game in st Louis. The love and gratitude was just pouring out of everyone and I even said a few choice that I haven't said in years...(well, maybe not years..hours perhaps?) the worst part of the whole thing, at the time, the story gets even better, is that i had to admit that husband #1 was right...yes, there is a first for everything.(fortunately, my readership has gone down, so not as many people will see my admission) but am still hoping that the boys will change their tune.

The end of the story......son#2 was throwing up all night.......this can't be good....

Happy friday

Friday, November 12, 2010

friday november 12, 2010

now that i am forty....

Going through my closet last night, i realized that are certain things that i will never be wearing again. things i have been holding on to, but the combination of not having any girls to hand down clothes to and not getting any younger or acquiring any less cellulite(bad visual, i know, i apologize) it was time to let some of these items go.

These items included shorts i wore in camp hillel in 1990, anything i wore at the concord hotel between the years of 1986-1989 (say goodbye to all of those RELAX sweatshirts and matching leggings....), anything that had an ESPRIT label(for those of you from my generation, you know how cool esprit used to be...)and any pair of pants that were white or i wore on a date with guys before i dated husband #1....

at the end of the evening, there was a huge pile of clothing, sprinkled with my tears. Mind you, while i was purging my closet, i had xm sattelite 80s music on, which made me cry even more. It was a sight..crying, dancing and putting stuff in the pile(quick run to the fridge for a swig of mikes hard lemonade) and was quite the night. But i accomplished a lot. The good news is, i also got rid of a lot of fat clothes, which will only be a problem if i get really fat again....but thats for another time. I also got rid of all maternity clothes...if i need those again, that would certainly be a problem....

So now my closet is filled with only sensible 40 year old clothing, i mean clothing appropriate for a 40 year old. I have no idea what that means, but there are only clothes from this century in my closet now.(now in my mothers house, i am sure i could still find my sweet 16 dress...bat mitzva dress..etc etc etc)I feel pretty good about that, and husband #1 feels even better because now the closet isn't such a disaster.

As for the week in review....the highlight was son #2 coming home from israel in 1 piece. His bar mitzva is in 8 weeks. Dress shopping was not the highlight, as you can well imagine because i HATE shopping, but, it was successful so i will not be wearing my rick springfield tshirt to synagogoue,,,even though son #2 knows how happy that would make me...

Happy Friday

Friday, November 5, 2010

Friday November 5,2010

The week in review.....

It was a good week. So far forty has been fabulous, fantastic, fattening, and fun.....I only have one new person not speaking to me, didn't put on any weight celebrating this week and used my new "I'm forty and I'm letting it all roll off my back" attitude when dealing with both my mom and my father in it's been pretty great (as the ulcer is taking shape and growing...)

I have decided that I will be blogging once a week....on Fridays....unless something really interesting happens- like, someone at THE GYM eats a chocolate bar or i marry my boyfriend Rick...otherwise, Fridays it now that the above paragraph reviewed the week, I would like to discuss lulu lemon.....

Lululemon is a brand of exercise clothes that discriminates against fat people. Aren't fat people the ones who need to exercise?? Their clothing only goes up to a size 12. For the oblivious men who read this clothing sizes start at a size zero (Courtney cox) and continue through beyond size 22(oprah at her heaviest...) so a twelve is pretty average exept to people at THE GYM, when a twelve is
Their worst nightmare...anyway....i was in the mall today and I passed the store. In the window of the store is a mannequin- a plus size mannequin....a mannequin who would not fit into any of the clothes in the store (perhaps that is why she was naked...). I went into the store and asked the 5"10,100 pound saleslady why they would have a mannequin like that outside of the store and she looked at me with kind, hungry eyes and said "miss, we have some relaxed fit clothes if you need them....". Ouch. Even the mannequin cringed. The irony was totally lost on her and i went home and had some cheesecake.....

Happy Friday

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Wednesday November 3, 2010


I am not supposed to be blogging anymore. I told everyone that I was done...I promised husband #1 that i was done...but, since I stuck to the promise about not blogging about his family, even with all of the good material that would have come from it...I am going to break the blogging promise because I need to report on how forty is going. Truthfully, I don't think anyone will even see this post, so I could probably write whatever I wanted and totally get away with it......but just in case, I will behave...

Forty has been pretty good so far. Still haven't had a heart attack while spinning, haven't started menopause a free shake at the gym(even though they claimed that they had no vodka to spice up the enticing berry-twig combination they call a drink) and today, I bought a sweater in the petit department in nordstroms and nobody pointed and laughed at me!!!!!! That's right, in the two plus days since i have turned forty, I am now a petite.....a petite large, but petite nonetheless......and while telling them about my favorite sweater dress from new years eve 1984, they couldn't believe I was forty!!! (yes, the denial is setting in..have no fear..who looks forty? Forty is the new twenty and my metabolism should be back any day now......)

So it's been good, thank god.

Happy Wednesday......

Monday, November 1, 2010

monday november 1,2010

what i know for sure
(taken without permission from oprah winfrey, for any of you who read the magazine..)

I turned 40 case you weren't aware of this fact. Since December 31 i have been keeping a blog. A blog filled with funny, stupid, mundane and sometimes just ridiculous information about me, my family and life in general. And it has been really fun. It has been fun getting positive feedback, it has even been fun getting negative feedback because what i know for sure, is that people are the quintessential enigma. You never know how any one person will take something you say or write or feel. Never. Ever.

What i know for sure is that i love sons #1,2 and 3 more than i ever thought humanly possible and i am so grateful that i was blessed with them. Husband #1 gets annoyed because sometimes i make the mistake of telling him that I love them more than i love him...but, lets be real, they are from me. They have the misfortune of living with a woman who is out of her mind, but they are my best audience and knowing full well that the day will come when they will love someone more than me, i plan on taking advantage of having them around until i let them go. And, even though you dont believe me, I will let them go when that time comes. Perhaps that blog will be called ohcrapimstuckwithjustariwhaththehelldoidonow...

What i know for sure is that the majority of people are full of crap, are full of insecurities and some of them, well, just need to eat something so they will be physically full and not be so damned cranky.

What i know for sure is that i received three birthday cards from husband #1, Son #1 and son #3 and the words Birthday (spelled "birtday") Summer (spelled "sumer") and Laugh (spelled "laf") were all spelled incorrectly...this made me realize that, perhaps, i am not the best mom in the world after all...or perhaps i am just paying way too much for tuition and not getting my moneys worth(though, one of the words was written by husband i can just blame that on his parents....that one was out of my hands...)

what i know for sure is that even though i spent tonight at a ranger game, a team that i dont even like, my kids (well not son #2 because he is in israel..) and husband #1 were really happy that i was there with them...and i told the boys that when they turn 40, they can tell their kids what a great mom I was to go to ranger game on such a big milestone in my life (ya..not a chance...but i can dream that they will say that...)

what i know for that i really dont know all that much....i know that i am too honest, i know that most people suck and you have to be lucky to find the good ones...and even if you think you have found the good ones-sometimes they end up sucking too so i really have nothing else to say on that subject except for good luck with that one....

On a scale of 1-10,i give the first 40 years about a 7 1/ for the next 40-the advice i have received from my many, many facebook friends ranged from "be happy you aren't dead" to "the next 40 will pleasantly surprise you with lots of good things...." I would like to go with the later of those two mentioned.

Holy crap I am 40....cant wait to see what the next chapter in my life holds in store....and i wish all of you only good chapters...

thanks for reading.

Happy Monday