Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday may 27,2011

Here comes the sun....

Memorial day weekend. The start of summer. Got my bikini ready, husband #1 just bought a new speedo and we are ready to take our act to the jersey shore. Some woman on the news just said that she lives in new jersey because of the beautiful, I've never been to the beautiful beaches. I thought I lived in new jersey because there are so many synagogues-who knew? I'm wondering if I should put the jersey shore on the list of places I need to visit when the kids go to camp....or, I could just go to my favorite neighbor's swimming pool(kissing ass here) and pretend I'm at the shore. That sounds much annoying kids building sandcastles and no lifeguards mistaking me for a whale and calling everyone out of the water. I'm going with that option(if my favorite neighbor let's me, of course)

Here's wishing all of you a great memorial day weekend and may the beginning of bathing suit season only bring you joy and greater self esteem.

Happy friday

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sunday may 22,2011

80's in HD

As some of you know, I'm a huge fan of the 80's. The music, the eyebrows, the shoulder love love that era(oh god, I'm so old I'm recalling an era...) anyway, last night a bunch of us were shown the movie Dirty Dancing. Apparently, the first time I "saw" this movie, I didn't really see it because I was too busy doing something else during the movie that I can't go into, but the next 50 times I watched it, I really fell in love with. I'm a big Jerry orbach fan, lord rest his soul, and the whole thing just puts a smile on my face.

The movie was being shown in high definition. This put a whole new spin on it.."wow, look how bad her skin is"....."look how much makeup he is wearing"....HD, though great for watching hot hockey players, was not so great for watching an 80's was like our perceptions of what all of these actors looked like was being shattered. I began thinking about what if we put all of our past life experiences in high definition...would those memories be as great as we thought?(oh my, this is not going in the direction i thought it would...)

At my cuties 3 year old birthday party I was thinking remember how easy life was when we were little? When the biggest decision we had to make was which sesame street character we wanted on our juice box? When did it all go so horrible wrong? (ok, now I am just being dramatic). I need to keep my memories of the 80's just as they are..watching 16 candles with my friend Annie till we knew the whole movie by heart, memorizing every word of every police song, sneaking into the movie theatre on route 4 which is now being turned into a gym...and watching dirty dancing without HD....somethings are better left just the way you remember them.

Happy Sunday

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wednesday may 18, 2011

Desperate times

Because of this weather I have been suffering from seasonal affective disorder(as opposed to the usual mood disorder that I regularly suffer from). SAD is an actual diagnosis in the DSM ( which stands for diagnostic something manual..hey, I've been on maternity leave for 14 1/2 years..I'm lucky I remember anything..) peoples moods change because of the gloomy smiles. So when the sun appeared for a brief moment in time, on went the sneakers and out the door went the rest of me. But, because of my SAD, I took an umbrella, just in case. (just in case it rained again, which it did, but since I had the umbrella, I was happy, not sad..ok, bad joke, sorry)

While walking, I noticed a new trend...very large headphones. I actually think that son #1 and some of his friends have them. Didn't we (and when I say "we" I mean the old folks over 40) wear those in the 80's with our ultra cool walkmen attached to them?(kids, walk men weren't men that walked along with us, they were little tape recorders that played our cassette tapes. No, not like duct tape or scotch tape...forget it)

I thought big bulky headphones went out with leg warmers and scrunchies....but, over the weekend my friend (and mother of four girls-whenever I go to her house I feel like I'm in a different country..)showed me her daughters new, fashionable scrunchies- they are back in style..does that mean that assymetrical haircuts are soon to follow? Neon colored sweatshirts? So, yes, everything old is new again, but I got rid of the old headphones because the new, lighter ones replaced them....

If the fashion experts say that if you wore it the first time it was in style, you are probably too old to wear it when it comes back in style, I'm pretty sure the only thing that might not apply to this golden rule is headphones (miniskirts and sequins yes, think I can still get away with
wearing swatches though...) but I really like my teeny tiny headphones...but maybe the big headphones will make my hips look smaller...hmmmm, that might not be a bad thing.

Here's hoping the sun will come out soon...

Happy wednesday

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday may 13,2011

A letter to my precious little one....

Dear son #3:

You are very special to me and now that you are 45 years old and still living in our basement I want to apologize. On may 13, 2011, when you left to go to the island of long(Aka land of the skinny mini and pancake hat) to visit with your adorable friends, I went to kohls and returned the mother of pearl mom heart. Don't worry, when the saleslady saw I was returning it, I got a dirty look, one that said "you are a terrible mother....are you really returning this precious gift of 18 karat gold over sterling silver that was 66 % off with your kohls charge?"

Yes, I am. I have a feeling that you found out about it and that is why you are still living in the basement, but I wanted to formally confess. And I apologize,again, but even though I love shopping at kmart(sorry mom, I know you raised me at saks, but things change when you marry monsey) I couldn't keep the heart. Perhaps it's like the wise dr. Phil said, I'm addicted to acceptance and unless the heart had read "#1 mom" or "best mom in the world"....the generic "mom" didn't give me the positive feedback that I eternally crave as a deprived middle child....

I love you son, more than words can say, but get the hell out of my basement...the free ride is over.

Happy friday

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Wednesday may 11,2011

Love that oprah....

Poor son #3 was running a fever and had a cold since Friday. He missed Monday and Tuesday of school...which meant that when he didn't have fever on Tuesday, I selfishly crossed my fingers that the fever wouldn't come back so he could go back to school today. When I was rushing him to the bus this morning he said "mom, how long are you going to walk today?" well, kid, since I missed two days of walking/head clearing...I might just walk the whole day. Truth is, I was so happy to see the spark back in his eyes this morning, I almost forgot he made me wear the mother of pearl mom heart he picked out for me......(oh, and son #2 wanted me to clarify to my readers that he had NOTHING to do with the gift gone awry...he wasn't even there...ah..gotta love the middle child.)

Anyway..I have been dvr-ing oprahs last season and yesterday's show was her last weight loss episode. It was moving and inspiring..but while watching it, I was eating a bowl of wacky Mac with parmesan cheese on it. This is bad on so many levels-the most important being that wacky Mac is made with cheese and I voluntarily added more cheese. It is also bad because 100 people in the audience had lost 100 pounds or more and clearly I was moving in the wrong direction and if Bob, oprah's fitness guru could see what I was doing, the botox would've run right out of the man's forehead....that would've been ashame...

I have said before that sometimes it makes me happy that oprah struggles with her weight because she is almost as powerful as god and if she can't get it under control, is there hope for me? For any of us? Do you think god as flabby arms too? But if she does, she is god and knows the secret to hiding them....

In any event..I'm just glad that I don't have to watch anymore phineas and Ferb with my kid today.....and am grateful he is feeling better.

Happy wednesday

Monday, May 9, 2011

Monday may9, 2011

The day after

My mothers day sucked. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be grateful that I am a mother..that I have a mother...that I don't have cancer..blah blah blah. It sucked. No two ways around it. It was probably my second all time worst mothers day ever. The first one I can't go into in case any members of husband #1's family reads this.. that one was pretty bad. But we are discussing this one for now.

When did husband #1 think it was ok to take the kids to buy me a mothers day present from kohls the night before mothers day?!?! Have I not been cleaning his dirty laundry well enough? Have I not had an ample supply of coffee cakes and orange soda? When did jewelry from kohls become ok? It is not ok. I do not have a mullet, I do not wear a tank top without a bra and cut off jean shorts (for more reasons than one) i do not have multiple piercings and I have not been recently paroled for manslaughter(though, it's been tempting)....

At baseball yesterday, I told some moms about the 18 karat gold over silver, mother of pearl heart that says MOM on it that husband #1 let the kids get for me. "oh...that's so sweet banji, I think you are over reacting.." umm...they gave me the gift and said "we know you don't like hearts but...."

No no no...I don't like hearts but nothing. If their father had a matching tattoo that said "mom" in a heart (which, I'm sure if he could have, he would have one....) it would be one thing....if their father had a thing for cans of beer and watching football half naked with his hands down his pants(he does wear a shirt) it would be ok for him to think it was ok to buy me jewelry from kohls!!!!!!!!!!! No, I am NOT over reacting.

Boys come know me...I'm the best mom in the world-remember? I sit in a minivan with you, for hours at a time, without peeing, so we can go to batting practice, get autographs, sit in the rain and catch pneumonia in baseball stadiums across the country-have you forgotten that?!?!?!?!? At least if the heart read "best mom".....have I taught you nothing??? I would have been happier with a prescription for lithium or Xanax...but kohls jewelry??? Where oh where did I go wrong......

Happy freakin monday

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Saturday may 7,2011

More mothers day..

Twas the night before mothers day
And all through the house,
No one was stirring
no child or spouse..

For the spouse had just realized
That no gift was obtained
And if the kids gave mom nothing
He for sure would be maimed...

So when the sun had set
He threw the progeny in the car
And ran off to find something
That would make mom avoid a bar...

But when all is said and done
Mom wondered aloud
When would the spouse realize
What she needed was what she had..

Her beautiful children
Who fill her days with much joy
And she's not even being sarcastic
For she truly loves those three boys...

Happy mothers day

Happy Saturday

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thursday may 5,2011

Wishes for mothers day

Let me tell you, it's been a tough week( get the tissues ready...) Monday, my last day at the gym, included my last free personal training session. This was good because I was taught various exercises to do at home, this was bad because, up until today, I haven't been able to sit on the toilet without my eyes rolling back in my head(wait, why is exercise good for you? I think it's a conspiracy with the makers of advil, but that's for another blog) on Tuesday, my world came crashing boyfriend was arrested for a DUI. The dumb schmuck. What was he thinking? I had to break up with him and now I'm boycotting his concert in englewood because I can tolerate the groupies..the affairs...but drinking and driving is just plain unacceptable(drinking and not driving is another story...)

And now mothers day is rapidly approaching. Thanks to my ability to reference my old blogs, I was able to discover that I forgot to buy my mom a card last year...and apparently that set the tone for a whole year of my not being her favorite child(just kidding, I was never her favorite child..) so it's on my to do list. As for me, being a mom is gift enough(just kidding, nothing says "mom, I love you" like a hearty handshake and a peck on the cheek).

I have decided that this mothers day, I want my boys to switch places with me. I will be them and they will be me(thought I would further explain that concept). On mothers day, I am going to leave my crap all over the floor-clothes, underwear, loose papers, toothpaste and pee. As me, they will pick up and clean up said mess, with a big smile on their faces..(see where this is going?) I will ask for food, drink, batteries, pencils, new socks, rides to the mall(because I broke my iPad and I have to go to the apple store), rides to school because I left my homework/hockey helmet/tefillin there....
And they, as me, will do whatever I ask.....and are not allowed to curse, yell or scream at me(do as I say, not as I role models get any better than me? ). It should be an interesting day...don't you think?

As for husband #1's place in all of this? My mothers day gift to him is that he can spend the whole day with his mother....

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there....I will be at fish of the c's with my mom enjoying a tuna melt and onion rings...and then I will be walking her back to fair lawn to burn off the calories....

Happy thursday

Monday, May 2, 2011

Monday may 2,2011

It's all relative.....

While most people will be celebrating the assassination of bin laden, I will be celebrating my last day at THE GYM. Yes, I know, it's odd that I would be comparing the death of the mastermind behind 9-11 to the cessation of being ignored by so-called friendly Americans, but when I have ever claimed not to be odd....

My feeling on the assassination, and keep in mind that husband #1 compared me to Joey in the episode of Friends when he only has one volume of the encyclopedia, is that bin laden might be dead, but there are many others, crazier more fanatical others, that are going to be more than happy to replace him. And since this scares the crap out of me, I would like to focus on the stupidity of my rejoicing over my last day with the skinny hungry mean people at the gym.

I do love those spin classes, but now that the weather is getting nicer(possibly, with this whole global warming thing it could snow again tomorrow)I am looking forward to getting back to walking and enjoying nature....and having people honk at me because I am either taking up too much room on the street OR they know me and it's a friendly honk.( by the way....I can't see you through the windshield so if I look like I don't know who you are, it's because I can't see who you are...not because those unfriendly folks at THE GYM have turned me against you because you're not wearing lululemon.)

As for the other topic, may God watch over us and protect us from all the evil in the world.

Happy, hopeful Monday.