Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm Back

Hope you have all been enjoying your summer. It hasn't been easy. The one thing I really hate about being a grown up is that when grown up things are happening in the world, I realize that I have children to protect. So how am I doing that? well, I am sending one to Israel on monday! totally get a medal for that. Thousands of kids have gone before him(well, not me, because my mom was afraid I would run off and marry an israeli...well, mom, after being married 19 years to husband #1, what are ya thinking about that plan now?) and thousands of kids will go after him and God Willing, it will all be fine.
We got a letter from his school today describing the steps they are taking to make sure everyone is safe. They are imposing a 12 am curfew during the week and a 1 am curfew on the weekends and all i could think was, "wait, I was sending my son to a school that didn't have a curfew?"  Hmm. apparently I have been totally clueless.All i heard at the meeting with the parents was a bunch of stuff about not letting my kid use my home in Israel for parties. Um, can my child still go here if i don't actually own a home in israel?
In any event, I was cuckoo about all this before any of this war stuff started. I am not an israel person. I have only been there a few times, I have no relatives there and the relatives that will go visit while my son is there probably won't even call him..and that is OK!
Honestly, and don't take this the wrong way, I really don't want son #1 coming home with long curly payes. I really really don't. Let him learn until he is blue in face, let him come home and tell me that I am doing every single thing wrong(because I probably am) just don't let his sideburns become curly queues...something about that just freaks me out.
Kid, have a safe year, come home treating me just a wee bit more respectfully or I will not be doing any of your laundry ever again.

Happy Wednesday

Friday, May 23, 2014

Rock Bottom

Hi folks..hope you have all been well.  Wanted to share a little story with you. I have finally hit rock bottom. I have finally experienced the turning point where I realize that I have to make a change.  I have to start fresh. I have to go into treatment.  While lying in the chair at my favorite endodontist's office yesterday, he began to start preparing me for root canal. For those of you who have never had root canal, the first thing they do is put a little rain coat around the tooth that they are going to be working on.  Dr. Lewis began putting the rain coat on my tooth and that is when it happened. My tooth was too fat for the coat. He needed to a get a bigger size. Even my teeth have a weight problem. I warned Dr. Lewis that it was blog worthy, his confirming that, even medically, I have a big mouth.

Yup, so since I can only eat soft food for the next few days, I went to meet my friend's Ben & Jerry, because, in order to help with all of the obesity in this country they have developed a new line of ice cream. Yes, my skinny friends, I know that I shouldn't buy it, but one side is sweet cream flavored, the other side is vanilla flavored with pieces of blondies and the middle, the entire middle, is a stripe of caramel goodness. There is another flavor where one side is chocolate, the other side is rasberry with itty bitty chocolate pieces and the middle is a stripe of a rasberry jelly goodness (which I am counting as a serving of fruit.). And it was on sale.

Yup, gotta keep my mouth proportioned with the rest of me.

Happy Friday!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Lessons of Passover...

I write this with the wisdom of a biblical scholar. If you are home for passover, it is never too early to start shopping. They run out of diet coke, so buy early and buy often, but only buy if it is 5 for 5 dollars. Do not buy soda in any place but a chain supermarket or they rip you off. Unless you work and you have no time to go to 8 different markets.  They also run out of chocolate bars and lollycones. Again, buy early, buy often and only buy on sale. Of course, if you are me, you eat all of the ones with the nuts in them before them holiday actually begins...and that is ok.

You can have too much free matza. CAN have too much free matza.
You can never have too much wine, because, well, you just can't.

Also, i have discovered that my biggest loser sweatshirt doubles as an that is a good quality piece of merchandise!

Wishing all of you, no matter where you are, a wonderful rest of this holiday. Cherish these moments because before you know it, that little boy fetus that you felt move in your tummy in the kiddush room of the Concord Hotel 18 years ago will be getting ready to graduate high school and go off to Israel....

Happy Sunday!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

I am dead either way

I have blogged and written about this topic before.  Studies. On the news this morning, husband #1 turned the volume up because he saw the word DIET in the promo (I guess he was hinting at something) and the reporters were saying that a study was done on people who drink two or more diet drinks a day, and research found that those people die earlier from heart disease. In the same breath, the two skinny reporters started saying that a study was done on married vs single women and the married women had less of a chance of dying from heart disease. Husband #1 and I looked at each other and at the same time said "I guess those studies cancel each other out."  So the single women who drink diet soda have a better chance of dying from heart disease, but the fat, unhappy married women who drink diet soda might live longer because they are married?

what about the women who drink two or more cocktails a day? Or the women who take two or more zanax a day? or the women who only eat two bites of food a day?

So many studies, so little time...

Happy Sunday!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Yay..smaller clothes!!!

Son #1 is 5"11 and weighs less than 130 pounds. I would like to say he gets that from me, but, alas, he does not. Though, he does not get it from husband #1's side of the family either( you thought I was almost giving them credit for something.) In any event, the other day, I found myself at Nordstroms, passing through to get to the swatch store(long story, actually, not that long, end of the story is...don't buy husband #1 a swatch, or any watch for that matter, the men working at the store wanted to know if he worked in construction because the watch was so badly damaged. Construction? wait, I am still laughing.) ANYWAY, on the door to Nordstroms was a sign welcoming the Sarah Jessica Parker Collection to the store.

Is she selling teeny tiny clothes and teeny tiny shoes? Here I was, out in public, makeup on(holy crap I am over 40), feeling reasonably human(until I pass lululemon and I want to walk in just so I can record them asking me to leave because I am too big to even fit through their door, wait, I don't have a phone that can record..)and Nordstroms is welcoming a new line of clothing/shoes(i don't know what is in her collection, I just know there won't be any of it in my closet) made by a teeny tiny person who is marketing her wares to a population that only eats Kale.

So I took a deep breath, held my head up high, and walked right to the Baked by Melissa kiosk, where the woman serving the cupcakes was one of my big friendly sistas and she was more than happy to sell me some baked goodness that was just my size.

And order was restored to the world

Happy Wednesday!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I can be serious too....

I always try to make people laugh. It is what we fat folks like to do. It bolsters our self esteem. But, today I am going to be serious.  Real writers are one's that can share all. Every secret, every emotion..though it may seem to some that I do, it is mostly all from the surface. Nothing too offensive, nothing too personal. Well, today is a very personal day for me. 10 years ago today, I lost my baby. Granted, he wasn't a "real" baby by medical standards, he was a 16 week old bunch of cells that decided not to stick around. Even though I went through that experience twice after, for some reason, this date is always the most raw.  The whole experience was horrible. I remember the doctor's appointment that was two days prior to my "procedure" like it was yesterday. What I wore, that I drove carpool for son #3's nursery school. Lying on the table while the doctor was looking for the heart beat, I remember joking with her that it must be difficult to find the sound with all that extra fat protecting the baby.  But there was no sound.  There was no more baby. It took a long time to recover from each loss, but now I just take a few moments on this day to reflect. To shed a few tears. And to appreciate what I do have.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Tefillin Bandwagon

Spoiler Alert: I am not an expert on anything having to do with Jewish Law. I went to yeshiva for elementary school, high school AND college and due to childbirth, age and probably plain old stupidity, I have no recollection of much of what I have learned...except if a cow falls into a ditch on my property, I am responsible for the cost of the cow.  I also must confess that in college, I failed the course on the Sabbath, a "holiday" that I celebrate every week of my life. I failed it. And had to take an incomplete.'s all out in the open. Now you can take whatever I write with the grain of salt that it is worth.

Many orthodox women are unhappy with their role in the religion. I happen to be perfectly content with not having to pray three times a day(though I still get credit for making sure my boys get there), with not having to read from the Torah and many other rules the men are "required" to do. The orthodox view on homosexuality upsets me. We are supposed to be a welcoming religion, not one that ostracizes.  The orthodox view on abortion upsets me. And yet, I continue to be a part of this branch of the religion because there are things that are beautiful about it and it is a tradition that has been passed down to me. I don't always agree with husband #1 on the rigidity of it. There are things we just can't question, even if the questions are endless...

If there are young women who have taken on the responsibility(not sure that is the correct word, but, again, I am not an expert on anything, except for maybe snack foods) of putting tefillin on, either because it is something they have decided on their own, or their families have a tradition of doing so, good for them. They aren't asking to pray on the men's side of the mechitza, they aren't asking for a female circumcision, they are asking to continue doing something that has become the norm for them. They are not doing it by rote, like so many boys do....they are doing it because they want to, this is how they choose to celebrate their religion(i am just assuming this, again, I know nothing) And I applaud the principal who allowed them to do so.

We all have our opinions. We all can agree to disagree. That is what makes life interesting.

Happy Sunday