Friday, April 29, 2011

Friday April 29,2011

Royal wedding....

I was up at 530 this morning and I'm proud to admit it. We had the opportunity to watch a real fairy tale and I loved every minute of it. The kiss was lacking some passion, but they are both virgins so I'm sure they were just nervous....onto the subject at hand.....

Poor Kate...princess Diana probably would have been an incredible mother in law. She loved her boys, she loved fashion and she would have loved Kate. I'm usually a skeptic about these things, but I know. So now we have Camilla, once described by her mother in law as "that horrible woman" (queen or no queen, a mother in law should only think those things, say them to her husband everyday for the rest of his life perhaps, but never, ever say them aloud.....) and Camilla doesn't seem to really care about fashion or accessorizing. And we have kate's mom, who looks like a lovely woman, who produced two hot daughters and a son who looks like he's hot-to-trot... with all of these women, I ask, Why oh why did no one give Kate a necklace to wear with her dress? It was not a wow-factor dress..that's what diana wore, but with the right royal gem stone, it could've had a bit more panache. Now, I'm clearly no expert, but I do know my jewelry(since jewelry and pocketbooks always fit....) and she needed a piece. She's gonna be queen for gods sakes...give the girl a piece of jewelry. The tiara was lovely(nothing like the one I wear around the house, but mine also has stones that are glue-gunned on) but, it just wasn't enough.

When I got married husband #1 gave me little pearl earrings surrounded by diamonds. They were little on me because his sister, who is 9 inches shorter than I am thought they looked big on her.....but I wore them and smiled...cause that's the kindve wife I am (or was....the earrings have been put away waiting for a granddaughter...or niece....or friends daughter.....) I know his intentions were good and now he knows better(or at least I do and pick out stuff myself...don't tell him though, he never notices....) but Kate is royalty....she needed someone to advise her. If anyone knows her, please tell her I'm available to be her jewelry consultant (I'll even sneak her some cookies, poor girl looked like she was going to faint from hunger.....)

May we all live happily ever after.....

Happy friday

Thursday, April 28, 2011

thursday april 28,2011

please dont lean over...

we had an ipod goo emergency today. the goo that i told son #3 NOT to get as a prize for selling candy, exploded in his knapsack and did something not very good to his ipod. So, off to the apple store we went to find a genius to help us fix the ipod. Apparently, goo is a very powerful substance and it is not fixable. Or under warranty....but, that is not what this blog is about. We were sent to a waiting area between table#3 and table #4..kind've an apple store purgatory-our problem wasnt seriousness enough to warrant a they had to put us somewhere.

Working on the computer on table #3 was a young woman in a low cut shirt. The shirt was made even more low cut when she would lean over the computer and her boobies were revealed for all to see. Every man and woman that walked by table #3 were witness to the boobies. Son #3 was playing on another computer..i kept an eye on him, but he had yet to notice the boobies. And then, he looked up. I saw his eyes look at her...and then look at me...."Mommy," he whispered, "you can see down her shirt...can we move to another table?" god bless that kid.

I asked if i should tell the woman about what she was showing to the whole store..he told me not too...he is a man after all...what can you do....

Happy Thursday

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Thursday april 21,2011

It keeps getting better..

We Jews are a funny group of people. Our religion ranges from those of us who eat matzo on Passover with our ham and eggs to those of us that will only swim in a pool with people of the same sex, with a curtain encompassing the entire circumference of the pool so no one of the opposite sex can see us....and all of the entertaining nuances in between. But, the one thing that remains constant in our religion, whether we hang to the right or to the left, is that everything revolves around food.

I am sitting in the lobby of the Hudson valley resort, it is 20 degrees outside and there is a cocktail party going on, in a tent, just a few feet from the entrance to the hotel. Women in furs, children bundled in their north faces, the elderly zipping along in their sabbath friendly scooters are all gearing up for the frosty walk for the food. Party started at 6....dinner is at 7. I'm not joking. I'm also a little concerned because the hotel has been advertising a new and improved petting zoo, and I'm afraid that what is being served at the cocktail party is the old decrepit petting zoo(where are those lamb chops from???)

I read a fascinating article in the Jewish press about eating healthy on vacation. Rachael Schindler, who I am assuming is a skinny mini from long island, advised me(and I'm sure she was just talking to me) that I should choose one meal a day to eat what I want, and then refrain from over-eating the rest of the day. Surprisingly, she wrote that breakfast, which I thought was the most important meal of the day(but don't really believe is the most important-since I don't want to make my other meals feel bad.,,)shouldn't be the one I choose because the breakfast menu is the same everyday...interesting. I happen to like lunch because it is dairy, but that's just me. And I'm sure none of you really care...

Well, it's getting a little noisy in the lobby, I'm assuming that's because the cocktail party is coming to a close and the dining room is about to open, thank god. I hope everyone enjoyed snacking on the rejects from the petting zoo, poor things...those baby chickens were so cute, but I guess they taste better as nuggets.....

Happy thursday

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wednesday april 20 2011

Classy in the catskills...

Here I am in the catskills. There really is nothing like it....I can't imagine that the people at the biltmore or at the king david fart in public and pretend that no one can hear or smell them...I think that's a catskills thing, but I can't be sure. Others will have to report back to me....

The weather has not been ideal up here in beautiful kerhonks new York. And today, when it briefly cleared up, it was like after the flood...people walking outside with dazed looks on their faces " hey, is that the sun?"......"wow, look how pretty the trees are"... "is there a tea room out here?" but at least we were finally least until the next meal was served.

The outfits in the mountains have not been that crazy, which is good for me sitting here in my Jean skirt, danskin leggings from 1992 and old navy hoodie..if I only brought my snood...or my styrofoam head for my wig...left that at home too...what can you do.

But the important thing is spending quality time with your was the ganchrow bananagram marathon...because, after all, nothing makes three boys laugh more than when they can spell out fart, penis and doody.....

Hope you are all enjoying your holiday....

Happy wednesday

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sunday April 17,2011

Passovers gone by.....

In trying to keep up with the joneses(or in the Jewish world we'll say keeping up with the steins..) I will be in Florida for the first part of the holiday, Arizona for the middle part and Israel for the end. Man, that's going to be exhausting...especially since husband #1 doesn't like paying to check in luggage so we each have one shop rite bag for the whole journey....don't stand too close..

In reality, the ganchrow clan is doing something that they haven't done in years...split the holiday between in laws and parents. If we weren't with the in laws for the first days, they would be alone and if we weren't with my parents the last days, they would be, I hope my kids will be as w o n d e r f u l as we are being....(to dream the impossible dream)

Anyway, for some reason, my memories of passovers of the past are quite vivid. Watching my papa make charoset with us with the chopper, eating the butter-sugar-just a touch of salt Passover cereal that he would make us(is it any wonder why I have a weight problem?)...and then when my maternal grandparents were no longer with us we would go to the concord, where the food was so good, there's no way it was really kosher (for Passover or any other holiday) We would have these big private seders with friends and family. Good times. Though, let us not forget how my mom and sister would pack so much that the back of the car would practically touch the ground...yup, those were the days.

I can only hope that despite all of the screaming I do at my kids(and husband #1, of course, who took the boys to a Yankee game so no one could actually help do anything....) they will treasure the memories that they are making with their grandparents...

May you all have a happy and healthy holiday season..filled with good memories and regular trips to the bathroom.....

Happy Sunday

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday April 15,2011 Annie Rachel gally's birthday

No sex in the city...but I think moshiach is coming...

Imagine, for a moment, that I am Carrie bradshaw.(stop laughing) instead of manolo blahniks, I am wearing nikes, instead of some fashionable Pucci gucci frock, I am wearing chico's finest..but, most importantly, imagine that I did spend the day in the city and now I am writing my column(blog) about my adventures.

I do love new York. I love looking at all of the different faces and clothes...the women dashing through a red light in seven inch heels...the different store windows. But what I love the most, is that you never know what you are going to see. While walking down fifth avenue, all of a sudden, I heard police sirens....lots of them and, a hint of, could it be? Jewish music? Turning to my right, there on fifth avenue in the middle of the day, I was witness to the mitzvah tank parade. I rubbed my eyes with disbelief, but as true as the rumor that I have never had plastic surgery, there they least 100 mitzvah tanks driving down fifth avenue...inside each tank were several messengers of menachem mendel schneerson waving at the stunned people of new York city. Was this parade to celebrate menachem's secular birthday? Who knows..but it was a sight to see.

Now, on the total opposite spectrum from the good of humanity to the elevator in bloomingdales(I was only there for the frogurt people, no shopping for me..I got my new sweatshirt from bamboo boutique and I am ready for the granit...)there were about 10 of us in the elevator and the only fat one was shoved into the back(that would be me, fabulous banji bradshaw) and a woman in a wheel chair approached the elevator and none of the skinny bitches would hold the door for her and it closed in her face.....and then I said "how did you let the door close?!?? Oh...I forgot where I am...."

New York city...the good..the bad...and the hungry...

Happy Friday...

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Sunday April 10,2011

The kennedys

Husband #1 has me dvr-ing the Kennedy miniseries and I have been watching it. I must say, I am very impressed with Greg kinnear..I was a big fan of his when he was on talk soup and he does a spot on job portraying JFK(I think, as I didn't really know jfk...) anyway, I'm embarrassed to admit that despite being in school for a zillion years, it's like I'm hearing about the bay of pigs and the Cuban missile crisis for the very first time...and did you know that Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas?!?! Am I the dumbest housewife on the planet?!?!?( I knew he was assassinated and I knew about the bay of pigs invasion because it was in Billy joel's song "we didn't start the fire" and one afternoon my brother and I went through all of the lyrics with my dad and he gave us quite the history lesson..)

Apparently the Kennedy family was not happy about the release of this miniseries because it isn't an accurate portrayal of what actually happened, and I can't imagine that Jackie kennedy's hands were as large as Katie holmes are- man that chick has some mighty big paws!! Like the "man-hands" lady from Seinfeld..who knew? Anyway, watching this movie reminded me of a story that I would like to share with you.

About 11 years ago, when I was pregnant with son #3, my mom and I went to the ballet. I had to pee, as pregnant women often do and the line for the ladies room was 3 miles long, as it often is..but the line for the mens room was..well, non existent. So, off I went to the mens room because when you gotta go, you gotta go. When i left the empty mens room, I saw Caroline Kennedy schlossberg. Tall, thin, elegant and still grieving the loss of her brother(I assume, don't know for sure..) and all I wanted to do was make her laugh. As she passed me by on the way to the ladies room, which still had a 3 mile line that no woman, not even a Kennedy could cut, I said " hey, use the mens room, I
just did..this pregnant fatty was not waiting on that line!!" and she chuckled...I made her chuckle. And even though her grandfather was a
raging anti Semite and her dad cheated on her mom with anyone who had boobs(this, according to the miniseries,of course) I felt I served my country.

I do what I can...

Happy sunday

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Thursday April 7,2011

The things we do for our kids......

As some of you may know, husband #1's favorite treat, aside from me, is Stella doro Swiss fudge cookies. He has passed this love onto his son, son #1, who eats so few things that I have to indulge him with these cookies and hope there is some nutritional value in them and no cholesterol.

For those of you not from this planet, a Swiss fudge cookie is a cookie that has a chocolate bloby center, surrounded by white cookie. You can eat the cookie part in a circular motion and save the bloby part for last, you can pop the whole thing in your mouth, two bites...however you want -though not as popular as the Oreo, still a very pleasant any event, sometimes the cookie part comes a little well done, or has an unequal chocolate bloby to cookie ratio.....these two particular instances make son #1 very unhappy...and then he won't eat them.(fortunately, I don't like them so I don't mind keeping them in the house....)

Now, being the fantastic Jewish mother that I am, in buying these cookies, I have a process, because if I don't bring home the right kind, well, all hell will break loose and the world will be thrown even further off of its axis. I must take all of the packages of cookies off the shelf and look through each one of them for the whitest cookie and the smallest amount of chocolate bloby. I wish I was kidding. In stop n shop the other day, I am kneeling on the floor with eleven packages of cookies in front of me, praying that I don't see anyone I know, as I carefully select the right packages of cookies to make my precious first born he can move to Minnesota and take my grandchildren with him.....but that's not the point.

I bring them home and, with much trepidation, take out the cookies that I have selected...."please like them, please like them," I pray.
Son #1 looks at them, looks at me...looks back at the cookies, looks at me, my heart is pounding, my mind is racing, "thanks mom, I love you."

Thank god.,,I did something right....for now.

Happy Thursday

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Sunday April 3,2011

It's tough being a woman.....

I went to a boutique tonight to help support my friends new business Bamboo Boutique...I originally wanted to purchase one of their yummy, cozy sweatshirts, but they refuse to carry extra larges and have to order one for me. Their friends are mostly skinny minis who think that size smalls are too big, so when I stomp over asking for an extra large, the villagers raise their torches in fear and agree to get me the size I need before I eat them....ok...I'm exaggerating just a bit, but I do want the sweatshirt in an xl....and they told me the charcoal grey is really "in" now, and i am going to the fashionable hudson valley resort for passover and, who knows, maybe the sweatshirt will help me meet husband #2, you never know...but, in any event, I couldn't leave the boutique empty handed, so I browsed through some of their other wares...

Didn't need any kikirikis because I just bought my first two..still don't know what the hell a nikibiki, if I don't know what it is, I must not need it...and then I found a pair of footless tights that will "smooth my lumps and bumps", I'm pretty sure that I need feet, but I was assured they are like leggings and I can wear them with a skirt and flats(there is a reason why god didn't give me daughters...) anyway, I had to buy these leggings because who doesn't want to rid themselves of lumps and bumps?!? And then it got me thinking about an ad that I "stole" from a magazine in a doctors office that was for the revolutionary iPant. Not iPad, iPant....the anti cellulite pant ware. I wish I was joking. The unfortunate thing about this product is that the women who have a great deal of cellulite who would need the iPant, couldn't actually squeeze her fat thighs into the iPant....this is like my experience with spanx when I almost lost consciousness in the dressing room trying them on and then I almost peed in my pants laughing at the sight of me trying to peel them off...ya, sometimes, it just sucks being a woman.

iPant, I shmant....someone give me a cookie....speaking of cookies-shout out to my friend who was trying on the teeny tiny hats with me, apparently, pancakes are out and rice cakes are in..who knew?!?!

Happy sunday