New years resolution gone horribly astray.....
A year ago I began this blog and when I went back to see what new years nonsensical wisdom I had to share, I discovered that I didn't share any at all...so surprising considering how freely I share other pearls of wisdom...so here is a new years blog...
Resolutions are stupid. In theory.,.they are great..I resolve to lose weight..I resolve to be a better person...I resolve to be a better spouse...a better mom...a better friend....a better daughter-wait, if I need to make all of these resolutions, I must totally suck as a human being and need to change every aspect of my personality. Now I know that some or most or all of you reading this agree with that last statement.....but I resolve to make more realistic resolutions...
I resolve to wait at least 3 minutes before calling husband #1 and yelling at him for one thing or another(because it's always something with these men-am I right ladies?!?) so 3 minutes is a realistic amount of time..in 2010 it was only 45 seconds...but in 2011, I am being a totally new and more understanding wife. Go me!
I resolve not to make fun of the scary people at THE GYM anymore..granted, my membership is up in three weeks(awwwwww) but if these people are comfortable with being hungry and cranky all of the time, who am I to judge. So, again, a totally realistic resolution.
I resolve to.....who really cares. Part of having narcissistic personality disorder is living in a delusional world where one thinks they are perfect. So, I am going to stay in that world..invite you to join me in it-that way, we can all be perfect together!
Sounds good to me...happy 2011 everyone...may all of your resolutions come to fruition...and may those of us over 40 remember to write the right year down when filling out paperwork....
Happy thursday
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday December 27,2010
Love and snow
On this snowy, cold day we are all bundled up inside with our loved ones. Our spouses have made warm toasty fires in the fire place..our children are making arts and crafts projects and helping bake cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows....
Remember English class when you would be given a sentence with lots of mistakes and you had to correct it?? Well, let's take a look at the above sentence and see how we can make it right....
On this freaking freezing and windy day when we are stuck inside with our loved ones who couldn't go to school because it was closed and who didn't go to work because he thought it would score some points with his wife..
.our spouses did not make a fire because we have already lost one house on this block to an explosion and we really don't want to lose another one (aside from the fact that we have no idea how to make a fire....and the house wouldn't be so freaking freezing if we would leave the heat on a little higher....)
Our children are playing xbox and yelling at each other that with all of the computers on the wireless connection isn't strong enough and no one wants to go outside because who wants to get even colder than they are inside....bake cookies?? Are you nuts? Mom just told us she ate all of her points for the day by 10 am which means she will be really really cranky in another twenty minutes or so and if we make hot
chocolate and leave the mugs all over the kitchen counter she will start yelling at us about how ungrateful we are and then she will start drinking right out of the vodka bottle again and we will have to do another intervention and send her back to rehab, but son #2's bar mitzvah
is in less than two weeks and if she isn't there, people will ask questions.....
Happy Monday...
(on a side note...everyone is getting along..I haven't been drinking and husband #1 is spending quality time with his boys....for now...)
On this snowy, cold day we are all bundled up inside with our loved ones. Our spouses have made warm toasty fires in the fire place..our children are making arts and crafts projects and helping bake cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows....
Remember English class when you would be given a sentence with lots of mistakes and you had to correct it?? Well, let's take a look at the above sentence and see how we can make it right....
On this freaking freezing and windy day when we are stuck inside with our loved ones who couldn't go to school because it was closed and who didn't go to work because he thought it would score some points with his wife..
.our spouses did not make a fire because we have already lost one house on this block to an explosion and we really don't want to lose another one (aside from the fact that we have no idea how to make a fire....and the house wouldn't be so freaking freezing if we would leave the heat on a little higher....)
Our children are playing xbox and yelling at each other that with all of the computers on the wireless connection isn't strong enough and no one wants to go outside because who wants to get even colder than they are inside....bake cookies?? Are you nuts? Mom just told us she ate all of her points for the day by 10 am which means she will be really really cranky in another twenty minutes or so and if we make hot
chocolate and leave the mugs all over the kitchen counter she will start yelling at us about how ungrateful we are and then she will start drinking right out of the vodka bottle again and we will have to do another intervention and send her back to rehab, but son #2's bar mitzvah
is in less than two weeks and if she isn't there, people will ask questions.....
Happy Monday...
(on a side note...everyone is getting along..I haven't been drinking and husband #1 is spending quality time with his boys....for now...)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday December 26,2010
The real housewives of the five towns.....
I had the pleasure of going out to the island of long this weekend. I even had my hair done so I would almost fit in...almost being the operative word...It was filled with good friends, good food and a wonderful celebration. What I wasn't expecting was to be in the audience of a reality show....saturday mornings entertainment was a pleasant surprise.
Now, I am happy to report that even though the majority of these women have not eaten since the early 90's, there were a few that made me feel right at home. So that was a good start.(though perhaps those women were only let in as guests, maybe they aren't allowed to live there..,hmmmm) But then it goes down hill...no one sent me the memo that I was supposed to be wearing a teeny tiny pancake on my head with a feather sticking out of it. Perhaps that is because they were afraid that I would eat the pancake, but it seems that this is quite fashionable in the island of long...these pancakes come in many variations, the most popular seemed to be the leopard print pancake..wonder if that one tastes like actual leopard....
Now the problem with these hats is that if your head is too big, and you are wearing the little hat,..you look, well, you look like husband #1 does when he tries to wear a hat..,it makes for good comedy, but beyond that...just breakaway from the pack and wear a bigger hat....it will be ok....
It was a great fashion show..cartier's new line of watches seemed to grace the wrists of many of these women, but then someone told me that there is a person who sells them for 200 dollars so now I am all disturbed and the fantasy is shattered...but I will just give the watches
the benefit of the doubt...and, after all, jewelry always fits and never makes you look fat..unless you are fat and you are only wearing
jewelry....
But in the end, it wasn't about which mothers were going to give their daughters nose jobs,,,it wasn't about the husbands who sit downstairs
totally oblivious to the antics of their wives in the seats above them....it wasnt about being ignored by the same people who ignored me in college..it was about spending time with wonderful friends and wishing them and their family all the happiness in the world.....
Happy sunday
I had the pleasure of going out to the island of long this weekend. I even had my hair done so I would almost fit in...almost being the operative word...It was filled with good friends, good food and a wonderful celebration. What I wasn't expecting was to be in the audience of a reality show....saturday mornings entertainment was a pleasant surprise.
Now, I am happy to report that even though the majority of these women have not eaten since the early 90's, there were a few that made me feel right at home. So that was a good start.(though perhaps those women were only let in as guests, maybe they aren't allowed to live there..,hmmmm) But then it goes down hill...no one sent me the memo that I was supposed to be wearing a teeny tiny pancake on my head with a feather sticking out of it. Perhaps that is because they were afraid that I would eat the pancake, but it seems that this is quite fashionable in the island of long...these pancakes come in many variations, the most popular seemed to be the leopard print pancake..wonder if that one tastes like actual leopard....
Now the problem with these hats is that if your head is too big, and you are wearing the little hat,..you look, well, you look like husband #1 does when he tries to wear a hat..,it makes for good comedy, but beyond that...just breakaway from the pack and wear a bigger hat....it will be ok....
It was a great fashion show..cartier's new line of watches seemed to grace the wrists of many of these women, but then someone told me that there is a person who sells them for 200 dollars so now I am all disturbed and the fantasy is shattered...but I will just give the watches
the benefit of the doubt...and, after all, jewelry always fits and never makes you look fat..unless you are fat and you are only wearing
jewelry....
But in the end, it wasn't about which mothers were going to give their daughters nose jobs,,,it wasn't about the husbands who sit downstairs
totally oblivious to the antics of their wives in the seats above them....it wasnt about being ignored by the same people who ignored me in college..it was about spending time with wonderful friends and wishing them and their family all the happiness in the world.....
Happy sunday
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday December 20,2010
I really am forty.....
There are many indications that one is getting old. Gray hair (check), forgetfulness(check), inability to read something while wearing your glasses(check), and your first visit to the podiatrist(check). Yes, I know there are other indicators, but, I would like to discuss my visit to the podiatrist...(oh and repeating things is another indicator..check)
Some of you know that I walk...a lot. I walk because then I can eat more, and I eat because I know I can walk(vicious cycle and the reason why I will never be skinny...what can you do...) a few days ago, in addition to my usual aches and pains, I felt something was terribly amiss with my left foot...so much so, that I stopped walking and googled a variety of worst-case-scenarios on web md....long story short, made an appointment at the podiatrist.
When husband#1 said he was going to come with me, I got a little nervous because I thought I might actually have one of the worst-case-scenarios and no one was telling me. But, apparently, he was being a doting spouse..two words I have just put together for the first time!!(sorry, I'll be nice..thanks for coming with me husband #1...I won't get you another snuggie for your birthday this year...)
Back to the podiatrist...turns out, it's a neuroma-which when you look up it's original meaning translates to "you're getting old and it sucks for you, baby!!" ya...the nice podiatrist-man glued something to my foot and told me to call him in a week. He said I can try walking again tomorrow...hopefully, I will be healed for the chai lifeline half marathon, which is in six weeks, otherwise, husband #1 will be wearing my customized shirt which reads "fatmom...."
Here's to hoping we all age gracefully and in good health....
Happy monday
There are many indications that one is getting old. Gray hair (check), forgetfulness(check), inability to read something while wearing your glasses(check), and your first visit to the podiatrist(check). Yes, I know there are other indicators, but, I would like to discuss my visit to the podiatrist...(oh and repeating things is another indicator..check)
Some of you know that I walk...a lot. I walk because then I can eat more, and I eat because I know I can walk(vicious cycle and the reason why I will never be skinny...what can you do...) a few days ago, in addition to my usual aches and pains, I felt something was terribly amiss with my left foot...so much so, that I stopped walking and googled a variety of worst-case-scenarios on web md....long story short, made an appointment at the podiatrist.
When husband#1 said he was going to come with me, I got a little nervous because I thought I might actually have one of the worst-case-scenarios and no one was telling me. But, apparently, he was being a doting spouse..two words I have just put together for the first time!!(sorry, I'll be nice..thanks for coming with me husband #1...I won't get you another snuggie for your birthday this year...)
Back to the podiatrist...turns out, it's a neuroma-which when you look up it's original meaning translates to "you're getting old and it sucks for you, baby!!" ya...the nice podiatrist-man glued something to my foot and told me to call him in a week. He said I can try walking again tomorrow...hopefully, I will be healed for the chai lifeline half marathon, which is in six weeks, otherwise, husband #1 will be wearing my customized shirt which reads "fatmom...."
Here's to hoping we all age gracefully and in good health....
Happy monday
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Thursday December 16,2010
But since he didn't ask me......
My father in law is editing a bar mitzvah book. This means he is compiling a bunch of "words of Torah" written by esteemed rabbis and relatives alike, putting them together into a book, which people can then buy, and use those "words of Torah" at their bar mitzvas.....so you would think that having a daughter in law who is as talented as I am in the writing department(oh wait, he has never read my blog or anything else that I have written over the years) and the fact that I only have sons, he would have asked me to write something for the book...ahh, that wasn't to be...so, this is what I would have written, had he asked me, as sort of a humorous take on being a mother of the bar mitzvah boy.....well, not exactly, but the rejection is what has prompted this blog....
I love my sons...when they were born I thought their bar mitzvahs were millenniums away...but that was not the case. They went from breast feeding, to practicing their speeches in less time than it takes to say " why can't you pee in the toilet instead of on the toilet..". In the eyes of god, they are supposed to be men, but they look so freaking adorable in their suits...totally not like men, more like handsome older versions of their infant selves. Lately, while in the privacy of my car, the tears can't stop flowing when I think about how fast it's going...wasn't it just yesterday that i said to husband number one " uh, honey, I'm pregnant.." and he said "but son number one is only 7 months old..."
Wasn't it just yesterday?!?!?!?
Older friends of mine who only have sons have expressed how they feel about the non-existent roles that they played at their sons weddings (exept for that of the evil mother in law)...in gearing up for that, I am taking advantage of the very important role I have at their bar mitzvahs...making sure they practice their speeches so much that even the spiders in our house know the speech by heart, reminding them
to practice their Torah portion so they don't have 200 men correcting their mistakes, taking them for suits, picking out the menus, picking out clothes for me that I like, not some ridiculous color that my future daughter in law that I will love even if she has three heads and a tattoo,
has picked out for me....doing place cards, fielding responses, willing those relatives and out-of-towners that haven't responded to respond without my having to make threatening phone calls, making gift bags, picking out hostess gifts, boring my friends, who I love, with all of the inane details and breakdowns....but, I have enjoyed every minute of it...every single second, because THEY STILL NEED ME!!!!!!! my boys still need me....
I need a drink.....
Happy thursday
My father in law is editing a bar mitzvah book. This means he is compiling a bunch of "words of Torah" written by esteemed rabbis and relatives alike, putting them together into a book, which people can then buy, and use those "words of Torah" at their bar mitzvas.....so you would think that having a daughter in law who is as talented as I am in the writing department(oh wait, he has never read my blog or anything else that I have written over the years) and the fact that I only have sons, he would have asked me to write something for the book...ahh, that wasn't to be...so, this is what I would have written, had he asked me, as sort of a humorous take on being a mother of the bar mitzvah boy.....well, not exactly, but the rejection is what has prompted this blog....
I love my sons...when they were born I thought their bar mitzvahs were millenniums away...but that was not the case. They went from breast feeding, to practicing their speeches in less time than it takes to say " why can't you pee in the toilet instead of on the toilet..". In the eyes of god, they are supposed to be men, but they look so freaking adorable in their suits...totally not like men, more like handsome older versions of their infant selves. Lately, while in the privacy of my car, the tears can't stop flowing when I think about how fast it's going...wasn't it just yesterday that i said to husband number one " uh, honey, I'm pregnant.." and he said "but son number one is only 7 months old..."
Wasn't it just yesterday?!?!?!?
Older friends of mine who only have sons have expressed how they feel about the non-existent roles that they played at their sons weddings (exept for that of the evil mother in law)...in gearing up for that, I am taking advantage of the very important role I have at their bar mitzvahs...making sure they practice their speeches so much that even the spiders in our house know the speech by heart, reminding them
to practice their Torah portion so they don't have 200 men correcting their mistakes, taking them for suits, picking out the menus, picking out clothes for me that I like, not some ridiculous color that my future daughter in law that I will love even if she has three heads and a tattoo,
has picked out for me....doing place cards, fielding responses, willing those relatives and out-of-towners that haven't responded to respond without my having to make threatening phone calls, making gift bags, picking out hostess gifts, boring my friends, who I love, with all of the inane details and breakdowns....but, I have enjoyed every minute of it...every single second, because THEY STILL NEED ME!!!!!!! my boys still need me....
I need a drink.....
Happy thursday
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday December 14,2010
Love ain't what it used to be......
My life is falling apart. Everytime I turn on the news, another fabulous couple has called it quits. Eva and Tony- I couldn't believe it!! When we made her bridal shower she seemed so in love...the wedding in France...does it get more fabulous than that??? How could he sext with someone else?? It was bad enough what tiger did to elin...the world is coming to an end...
And then today I hear about Ryan Reynolds and scarlet-over. Not even married a year....seriously?!?!? How am I supposed to believe in love? How is it, that I, the total opposite of scarlett, can make a marriage work for over 15 years?? Is it because husband #1 has incredibly low standards?? Is it because I have an incredible amount of patience?!?! Or could it be the three kids that live with us....who knows....I am just really disappointed in these couples. But then there is my boyfriend Rick....who admits to cheating on me and his hot wife, but realizes how important it is to stay committed and work it out(with his hot wife, not me..not yet anyway...)
Different strokes for different folks....god bless us all and give us married folks the patience, wisdom and understanding not to kill our spouses and bury them in the backyard...in the dead of night...when no one is looking....
Happy Tuesday!!
My life is falling apart. Everytime I turn on the news, another fabulous couple has called it quits. Eva and Tony- I couldn't believe it!! When we made her bridal shower she seemed so in love...the wedding in France...does it get more fabulous than that??? How could he sext with someone else?? It was bad enough what tiger did to elin...the world is coming to an end...
And then today I hear about Ryan Reynolds and scarlet-over. Not even married a year....seriously?!?!? How am I supposed to believe in love? How is it, that I, the total opposite of scarlett, can make a marriage work for over 15 years?? Is it because husband #1 has incredibly low standards?? Is it because I have an incredible amount of patience?!?! Or could it be the three kids that live with us....who knows....I am just really disappointed in these couples. But then there is my boyfriend Rick....who admits to cheating on me and his hot wife, but realizes how important it is to stay committed and work it out(with his hot wife, not me..not yet anyway...)
Different strokes for different folks....god bless us all and give us married folks the patience, wisdom and understanding not to kill our spouses and bury them in the backyard...in the dead of night...when no one is looking....
Happy Tuesday!!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday December 8, 2010
I have figured it out...
So I have been going to THE GYM for almost five months now. When I first started, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I go to the dentist...but I would take a deep breath and walk in with my head held high. Any weight that I have lost while going to THE GYM, has not been because I go there, it has been because no matter how long you spin for, if you come home and eat a box of wacky Mac(cooked of course, that stuff is nasty raw) you aren't going to lose weight...so I have been spinning and refraining from any and all wacky mac (a new years resolution that I have actually stuck to...oh, not January 1, 2010 new year, the Jewish new year..which was only in september, but three months is still quite impressive..,)
Anyway, my big complaint about THE GYM, aside from the fact that most people there could get knocked down by a slight breeze and I feel like gulliver when I am there, is that the staff is not so friendly. My friends insist that it is all in my head, but I know when people are ignoring me...I have had years of experience being ignored..totally know what that feels like...but, I have had an epiphany as to why no one is friendly.
Tough love. If no one is friendly to me, the fat one, but they are friendly to the skinny ones, I will be motivated to stop eating, become one dimensional and gain their respect and friendship. I totally get it now. And my answer to them is...kiss my white fluffy ass....when you belong to other gyms, they say hello when you walk in and have a nice day when you leave. It doesn't matter if you are 400 pounds or 40 pounds...sometimes, they don't even look up when they say it-but they still say it.
I will finish up my free last six weeks ( thx again to my friend who gave me the six months...I really do love the spinning there) and I will find a friendly gym, where the fat folks and the skinny folks can feel free to be themselves and co-mingle....where no one feels judged and everyone is smiling and happy....ahh-a girl can dream....
Happy wednesday
So I have been going to THE GYM for almost five months now. When I first started, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I go to the dentist...but I would take a deep breath and walk in with my head held high. Any weight that I have lost while going to THE GYM, has not been because I go there, it has been because no matter how long you spin for, if you come home and eat a box of wacky Mac(cooked of course, that stuff is nasty raw) you aren't going to lose weight...so I have been spinning and refraining from any and all wacky mac (a new years resolution that I have actually stuck to...oh, not January 1, 2010 new year, the Jewish new year..which was only in september, but three months is still quite impressive..,)
Anyway, my big complaint about THE GYM, aside from the fact that most people there could get knocked down by a slight breeze and I feel like gulliver when I am there, is that the staff is not so friendly. My friends insist that it is all in my head, but I know when people are ignoring me...I have had years of experience being ignored..totally know what that feels like...but, I have had an epiphany as to why no one is friendly.
Tough love. If no one is friendly to me, the fat one, but they are friendly to the skinny ones, I will be motivated to stop eating, become one dimensional and gain their respect and friendship. I totally get it now. And my answer to them is...kiss my white fluffy ass....when you belong to other gyms, they say hello when you walk in and have a nice day when you leave. It doesn't matter if you are 400 pounds or 40 pounds...sometimes, they don't even look up when they say it-but they still say it.
I will finish up my free last six weeks ( thx again to my friend who gave me the six months...I really do love the spinning there) and I will find a friendly gym, where the fat folks and the skinny folks can feel free to be themselves and co-mingle....where no one feels judged and everyone is smiling and happy....ahh-a girl can dream....
Happy wednesday
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sunday december 5, 2010
Quotes to get you through life......
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger(or eat more...)
You can't pick your family, but if you could.....hmmmmm
Life is to short to hold grudges....but why not
People only care about themselves....so don't take it personally...(but I do anyway)
Smile and the world smiles with you...(total load of crap....)
And my favorite, which I have said many, many times before...food is love.
That is all I got...the migraine has taken over my brain...
SERENITY NOW SERENITY NOW
Happy Sunday
Ps I am totally aware at how bad today's blog is...but, if I wrote what I really wanted to....it wouldn't be pretty, cathartic, maybe...but not pretty.
Happy freaking Chanukah....
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger(or eat more...)
You can't pick your family, but if you could.....hmmmmm
Life is to short to hold grudges....but why not
People only care about themselves....so don't take it personally...(but I do anyway)
Smile and the world smiles with you...(total load of crap....)
And my favorite, which I have said many, many times before...food is love.
That is all I got...the migraine has taken over my brain...
SERENITY NOW SERENITY NOW
Happy Sunday
Ps I am totally aware at how bad today's blog is...but, if I wrote what I really wanted to....it wouldn't be pretty, cathartic, maybe...but not pretty.
Happy freaking Chanukah....
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday December 2,2010
The season of giving.....but giving what???
I grew up in a home where we got a Chanukah present for every night of the holiday. My brother and I learned how to unwrap and rewrap gifts so my parents wouldn't know we had invaded the pile. Some gifts were good, some....not so good. But this was back in the day before every cool gift started with an "I"..... We were even excited with board games back in the 70's. A much simpler time. Husband #1 was not brought up the same way and gift giving was not a priority...something that continues to this day. But that is ok, because I am perfectly happy buying my own gifts.
As for my children....in the past I have attempted the "one gift a night" tradition from my family. Sometimes, this has back fired "are you kidding me??? Pajama pants??? I am never wearing those ever,,,". I can imagine his reaction if I had gotten him the Barbie doll...you win some and you lose some. This year, I am losing, especially with son #3. apparently, his friends are all getting gifts every night. When he tells me what they have gotten, I have to say " but you have that already... " clearly not the point he is trying to make. When i say " but we took you on a cruise..". That doesn't help. "there are kids everywhere who don't get anything and didn't go on a cruise" ...also doesn't help.
And then, crazy psycho mom emerges..."YOU ARE THE MOST SPOILED BRATTY KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!".
Much better. Hope your holiday season is filled with miracles....
Happy thursday
I grew up in a home where we got a Chanukah present for every night of the holiday. My brother and I learned how to unwrap and rewrap gifts so my parents wouldn't know we had invaded the pile. Some gifts were good, some....not so good. But this was back in the day before every cool gift started with an "I"..... We were even excited with board games back in the 70's. A much simpler time. Husband #1 was not brought up the same way and gift giving was not a priority...something that continues to this day. But that is ok, because I am perfectly happy buying my own gifts.
As for my children....in the past I have attempted the "one gift a night" tradition from my family. Sometimes, this has back fired "are you kidding me??? Pajama pants??? I am never wearing those ever,,,". I can imagine his reaction if I had gotten him the Barbie doll...you win some and you lose some. This year, I am losing, especially with son #3. apparently, his friends are all getting gifts every night. When he tells me what they have gotten, I have to say " but you have that already... " clearly not the point he is trying to make. When i say " but we took you on a cruise..". That doesn't help. "there are kids everywhere who don't get anything and didn't go on a cruise" ...also doesn't help.
And then, crazy psycho mom emerges..."YOU ARE THE MOST SPOILED BRATTY KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!".
Much better. Hope your holiday season is filled with miracles....
Happy thursday
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