Happy Freaking New Year!

I can't believe another year has gone by. And what a year it has been. Son#1 got to meet Adrian Peterson(vikings), son #2 got to meet Steve Jackson(rams), son #3 started learning for his bar mitzva and husband #1 figured out how to connect over 200 feet of extension cord to our neighbors generator.

Yes, it has been quite the year. Another year older, another year less patient and another year closer to having zero editing mechanism like Grandma Sylvia, she should rest in peace. Have I learned anything? hmm, probably not-oh wait, I learned that I cannot change the weather forecast no matter how many times I yell at Lee Goldberg. I learned that driving with son #1 is less stressful if I have taken an ambien first(don't judge me..he is the one driving, not me..)I learned that you cannot stop gray hair from growing, even if you keep pulling them out and I learned that the snickerdoodle recipe on the side of the duncan hines yellow cake mix makes everyone in my house happy-a culinary feat not easily accomplished...(though I am not sure that counts as a culinary feat...)

Every new years eve I think of my friend Deva and the Concord hotel..the band playing, the cocktail party, the champagne, the imperial room..ah, good times. New years eve is different now...I'm going to son #3's hockey game and hoping to stay up past 9:30...but it is all good. We will all be together. I have a bottle of champagne that i will probably end up drinking by myself, in my bunker, while the boys watch ESPN with their father and there is nothing wrong with that. I think...

May 2013(holy crap 2013-seriously?!?!?!) bring us all good health, happiness, wealth, success, safedriving, wonderful vacations, lots and lots of laughter...and all we wish for ourselves and our families. May those we know(and don't know) who suffered terrible losses this year find comfort and peace. And let us say...amen. 

Happy New Year and Happy Sunday..man, i can't wait until football season is over so I can get my tv back.....

good days and bad days...

During a typical day, we have many emotions. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared..these past few days have been a culmination of all of those.  My community has lost two precious young people, Sandy Hook elementary has lost twenty precious souls..grief is not meant to be measured. We all respond differently and in the end, tears are tears. We will never know why bad things happen to good people...we just need to take a deep breath and have faith. Be grateful for the good and not dwell on questions that we cannot answer. Easier said then done.

I must maintain that laughter is the best medicine(well, narcotics are probably the best medicine, and now that medical marijuana is legal, perhaps THAT is the best medicine..but that's for another time.)  Husband #1 and I went on a mini-vaca to the windy city this past weekend. It was a much needed reprieve.  He even sprung for the 25 dollars it cost to bring a suitcase. Which he needed. For his suit.  To wear once.  In case the sabbath police came and arrested him for only wearing pants and a shirt to synagogue. I was perfectly fine with my carry on that i had purchased for my trip to Vegas..but i digress. Ladies, what do men pack on a trip?  socks, underwear, a shirt, a pair of pants. Men are easy. (though, i did become friends and relatives with a man who wears very lovely socks, so lovely, in fact, that I am thinking of sprucing up husband #1's wardrobe with some..) 15 minutes before candle lighting, I hear screaming in the basement...worried that something mightve happened to husband #1, i rush down the stairs(I really did rush).  Looking at me, with sheer terror, he says "I forgot to pack my underwear."  Really? you forgot underwear?  I did laundry 3 days early so you would have enough underwear and wouldn't have to go into your reserves(yes, he has reserves)(I'm fully aware that I don't work and laundry is what primarily occupies my time, but I never do our laundry that early in the week.) Poor guy. No underwear. What's a kind, compassionate, loving wife to do?  Laugh. At him. Laugh a lot. And then go to walgreens to buy him some underwear-so not in the budget after springing for the suitcase. But even though we were staying with people that we love and feel totally comfortable with..you just can't borrow someone else's underwear. I had to tell the lady in walgreens the story...so then we laughed again. Sorry husband #1, it's been a tough week. But thanks for taking me to Chicago...

Happy Tuesday

im a turkey..your a turkey

Thanksgiving.  I have fond memories of thanksgiving at 816 avenue K in Brooklyn.  My dad's parents house. We were greeted with chopped liver and crackers..stuffing and kishska from L&E..really good stuffing.  So good, that fat Banji wasn't really allowed to eat it so she had to surreptitiously sneak it in when no one was looking...good times. Memories are triggered by tastes and smells...all I have to do is look at my dining room set to have those memories, as it is the same one that was in my grandparents house.  Times were simple then, uncomplicated. No horrific storms or rockets being launched. No family squabbles. Or maybe there were and I was just protected from all of that.  Who knows..we remember what we want to and forget what we want to (those, as I get older I forget things that I dont want to, but my aging brain isn't allowing me to remember...)

Im not sure why people make a big deal about thanksgiving..as orthodox jews we seem to celebrate it every weekend..though, at shoprite, they only think the kosher folks are worth a free chicken. Subtle anti-semitism at its best.  I spent hundreds of dollars a week at that store, and Im only eligible for a free chicken. A small, pathetic, frozen chicken. For thanksgiving. The holiday based around a turkey.  Really?  I would boycott shoprite, but then I wouldn't have access to my supply of Tab...though they haven't had that recently either so maybe someone is trying to tell me something....and Drakes is out of business so husband #1 is now out of his major food group-coffee cakes...is there a rehab for that?

In any event, the point of thanksgiving, aside from being with relatives you don't like, is to be thankful.  So Im thankful for my beautiful boys(when they are not fighting), for husband #1 for filling my car up with gas, on an odd day, when I only had 4 miles left to go, for my home, which is still standing, for friends who cheer me up on my birthday which really didn't happen because we didn't have power so im not actually a year older, and for all of the blessings God has given me. May you all be blessed and be thankful for those blessings as well.

Happy Wednesday and here's to Peace......

losing power never gets old....

So after 5 1/2 days without power, the lights have once again been turned on in my town...a town filled with so many different kinds of people. And before i begin this rant, I am fully aware of the devastation that sandy has caused and it breaks my heart that people have lost their homes and don't even have socks, when my kids keep leaving their socks all over the house-power, no power, it doesn't matter..My boys just assumed that laundry service would continue when we had no power and kept using different towels and wearing different sweatpants and then complained to the hired help(me) when they noticed supplies were running low. yessirree-i am one lucky gal. During this period of cold and darkness, the best comes out in people...a friend hosted 30-40 "refugees"..family, friends, friends of family, kids of all ages...everytime she opened the door i was waiting for her to hold her torch up and say "give me your tired, your poor." She and her husband were just awesome AND, her hair always looked good(which is really all that matters..) One across the street neighbor could not have been more sincere about wanting my entire family to come move in. And I would've taken her up on it but I still wanted her to be my neighbor, so instead, she had the important job of guarding my leftover chinese food so I had what to eat for breakfast each morning...yes, i ate it for breakfast. and it was delicious and i LOVE kosher express in Fair Lawn... My other across the street neighbor let my kids and i come over for quality internet and schmoozing time, and i , in order to repay the kindness, gave her kids leftover noodles-hey, it was the best i could do, and what kid doesn't love noodles? My next door neighbor, for the time being, gave us the biggest gift of all. The gift of letting us hook up our sump pump to their generator. Turns out that sandy's plans did not include so much water(just scary ass wind gusts....)so my boys, who don't know how to use an oven, do laundry or take out the garbage, figured out we could hook the tv up to the outlet...thats right folks, no heat, food in all the fridges bad, but we had tv for the entire blackout. Kids with generators would come over to watch tv in our cold dark home, because where there is tv, there is love....and good snacks, if you could find them... And then there is the whole category of people who "invite" the whole neighborhood to come over, but then pray you don't actually show up because they don't want you charging things in their outlets. Those people are poopies...and thats all i have to say about that. But the last issue i would like to touch upon is my birthday that wasn't...ok, it was on thursday, I am 39 for the third time...I did have some great friends come over and do lemon shots with me in the middle of the day...infront of my kids...but who cares, right? it kept us all warm and I felt the love. (One of my friends also got me a wrap that did actually keep me warm and it's yummy) And from my special children, I got a pillow that you can wrap into different configurations...like a head rest for the plane(we don't go on planes) and pillow to keep your head comfy on your couch(they dont let me on the couch) a pillow to sit on if the floor is too hard(umm, circumference of pillow vs circumference of my bedonkadonk-excuse me, does this come in a bigger size?) But, it was the thought that counts...and its always appreciated when someone gives you some thought... So as my 39th for the 3rd time birthday comes to an end...I am grateful for hot showers even with no power, garbage pick up during a black out, and friends that make you feel they really care about you...and my greatest gifts of all, my boys....even though i wanted to kill them several times these past few days...life is good here's hoping your lives get back to normal as soon as possible and that everyone gets their power back and that romney pulls it off this week so i can get a generator instead of giving all of my money to the government(well, husband #1's money..as I am just a house servant....) Happy Sunday!!

the blog before the storm....

I am nauseous. Literally and physically nauseous.  I have every worst cast scenario running through my head..a floating ironing board in my basement..the roof blowing off of my house..windows shattering. If i watch one more weather forecast, i might throw up.

But ask me what the "men" in my house are doing.  Are they holding my hand and telling me it will all be ok?  Are they helping me get all the laundry done so we have plenty of clean clothes for when we don't have power until December?  No, they aren't. They are watching football. All of them. On different tvs. Just a typical Sunday in my house.  Good thing Sandy wasn't forecast for today, because then there would be no football. And the "men" would be sad.  Boo freakin hoo.

I know I can't control this storm, or any storm for that matter, so I continue to do the things i can control-change linens, make beds, organize cabinets, drive everyone in my house and those visiting to watch football insane. No more news for me...it will be what it will be...Governor Christie told me(and everyone else watching) that if I have time, i should pray for the storm to go east...so that is what i am doing now.

Hope you all stay safe, with power, with patience and with help from God.

Happy Sunday

happy new year

Since I have been patting myself on the back for being mom of the year, having traveled to Minnesota and all, haven't had a chance to sit down and reflect. That is what we are supposed to do this time of year. Reflect on all that has happened, all that we have accomplished or wish we accomplished..blah blah blah. We lost a lot of good people this year. Kind, warm, generous of heart..really good people. And then, i'm assuming, we lost a lot of not so great people...people who were obnoxious, self centered..etc. When I was in chicago this summer(on the mom-of-the-year road trip) the rabbi spoke about reward and punishment. When we do something good, do we think we will be rewarded, but when we do something bad, do we hope we wont be punished. When I do something nice for someone, I basically just hope that it will prevent me from getting struck by lightning and balance out all of the bad i do. And when I say bad, i dont mean really bad-like violence, stealing or something of that nature. When I say bad, I mean when i see a person who has lost a lot of weight, i think "such a shame she is going to gain it back." Or when I hang up on my mom...or make fun of husband #1..(but is that really bad? there I go again..) I have actually thought of what I want written on my headstone.."she was a bitch, but she made everyone laugh." We all need to be true to ourselves..whatever that means. I reflect on how quickly time is racing by...how I have two boys in high school-when did that happen? How son #3 is learning for his bar mitzva...and how much fun i have thinking of who i am cutting from the list(see, that's bad...) But as the new year approaches, and our fates, as they always are, are in the hands of a power higher then we can ever comprehend, I wish we all have a year filled with good health, positive energy, compassion, peace, a republican president and most of all, laughter.(well, really good health is first, but i wanted to tie the laughter in somewhere..) Happy Friday and May we all be written in the Book of Life....

Ode to extra innings...

As a mom of boys, and the crazy mom who goes on these baseball trips, I've prided myself on being a real trooper. There are few things more boring for a woman(am I really a woman?) than batting practice for a minor league team in Buffalo, but I have done it. Whether I pre-medicated is another story..but I was there, cheering for the home team, watching my boys catch god knows how many balls...and you know a house full of boys can never have too many balls..but I digress. Today we went to the st Louis cardinals vs the pittsburgh pirates at Busch Stadium(busch, as in anheiser busch..who makes the beer..no, we didn't go on the tour, no, I did not drink any beer, I did, however have a lovely rum and coke that I got "free" with parking at the stadium..anyway) So it's a gorgeous day in st Louis, husband number one sprang for seats with backs, the crowd is friendly, we get there two hours before the game for batting practice, and the day begins. The game starts..it's getting a little hot by our seats because even though they have backs, the backs are attached to metal benches. It's getting so hot that the fans are cheering when the clouds cover the sun. The game is still going on...5 hours later..tied 2-2..weve started the 14th inning..I'm pretty sure the couple infront of us have conceived a child...we are in the 16th inning, son #2 has grown a beard...the 17th inning, I have officially lost my mind. I draw the line at 17 innings and 7 hours at a baseball stadium-no matter how gorgeous the weather or how friendly the godam people are..if that kid behind me screams "let's go cards" one more time, I might have to impale him with the baseball bat we bought..and that would be really really wrong... So evil mom made the kids leave after 17 innings...the game went to 19...the cardinals lost...but it's all good because tomorrow I get on their good side again with a tour of the stadium and a trip to rams training camp... All in celebration of my 17th anniversary of being married to husband number one..and being all together is the best gift of all(and, of course, the only gift either of us will be getting as the five of us will be sharing a hotel room in Indianapolis..kindve like the plaza, but not really) Happy Sunday

The long and winding road

So here we are, road trip #7...I've learned a few things and I'd like to share them with you.. 1. It is perfectly fashionable for men to wear shorts, black socks, pulled up and penny loafers. It has to be because every where we have been, that is what the men wear. Not fashionable husband #1, of course, he wears high white socks and his sporty black orthopedic sneakers...much better! 2. It is safer to be in your car during a lighting storm than in a hotel. That's right, the geniuses at the front desk told us that when you are in your car, the rubber tires "ground" you and it's the safest place to be. Man, if we knew that, we would've slept in the car! ( fortunately, we didn't know that, because I have got to draw the line somewhere)... 3. Kosher pizza, anywhere in the Midwest, tastes like manna from heaven when you plan poorly and haven't eaten in 11 hours... 4. Cows in Minnesota, look like cows in new York...and I'm still the only one in the car who gets excited every time we pass some... 5. Kids get along better in a car, driving for hours and hours, with all of their electronic equipment dead, better than they do sitting around the Friday night dinner table for 20 minutes-why is that?!?!?! 6. Husband #1 might not be able to do a lot of things, but, he can plan one hell of a road trip :) Happy Monday!

the summer of shpilkis....

It's been a while since my last post. Seems I lost my blogging mojo(among my mojos for other things, but that's for another blog) but now I am back.  The summer of shpilkis...sent son #1 on a plane to a foreign land without the ability to send him food every week to make sure he doesn't physically disintegrate...everytime i look at my watch i try to figure out what he might be doing, and when what he might be doing is sleeping, i can take a deep breath and the shpilkis goes away, momentarily.  I was so preoccupied with his leaving, that i neglected to pack many things for sons 2 and 3...but they eventually got what they needed, and son #1 figured out how to by his own pillow in the foreign land...of course for the next few days he is sleeping in a forest with no cell reception, but if our forefathers could survive 40 years in the desert, I am hoping that a Ganchrow can survive 4 nights in the forest....I hope.


Clearly this summer is not the summer of Banji, as sons 2 and 3 come home in a week. Why? Why are they not staying for two months? Well, husband #1 and I gave them a choice..two months and no baseball trip or one month and a baseball trip. And as i stood infront of my beautiful boys, with my eyes closed tightly, fingers and toes crossed, praying "dear lord, let them choose camp, let them choose camp, I don't care how many kidneys i have to sell to pay for it..please choose camp,"  they chose the baseball trip.  Really?  I am the bitchiest, crankiest, moodiest mom...and these boys chose to spend 50 hours of driving with me(well, and their dad, who is the opposite of me)..are my packing/laundry/cooking abilities really that wonderful? are they that afraid of going to a minnesota twins game in their pajamas because I am not there to give them their clothes? That's right, i said minnesota.  Minne-freakin-sota. And Kansas City. And St. Louis.  Have you seen the wizard of oz? I am convinced our minivan, fuzzy dice and all, are going to get swept up in a Tornado.  I am even thinking of buying all of us matching ruby slippers...but, they chose me(and their father, again, the opposite of me) so i should just shut up, pack our set of matching garbage bag luggage, and appreciate the time I have with them...Hope you are all having a great summer...

Happy Tuesday

i love a parade..or not...

The israeli day parade.  When you are single, it is a time to search for dates. When you are engaged, it is a time to gloat in front of the singles.  When you come back with babies and strollers and screaming toddlers, it is a time to get dirty looks from the people whose feet you are accidentally mowing over with previously mentioned strollers and whose pants are now dirty from having your toddlers wipe their hands off on them because you have run out of baby wipes.  You are in such a daze you don't really pay attention to the folks you are seeing. You don't care if the beotch from high school gained weight..you just want to go home.

And then, you reach the point where I was today. Calm, no kids following me, hanging out with lovely people who I don't normally get to spend time with (and they don't even all read my blog and I was still happy to spend time with them.) I didn't even bring a chair..i was just enjoying the parade, screaming the names of my friends who were marching(and then screaming the names of my friends kids...of course some of those kids were ready to kill me for being so embarrassing..but, what can you do..) And did it even bother me that sons 2 and 3 finished marching before 12:30 and then son #1 didn't start marching until after 3? Nope...not at all. I didn't have to take anyone to the bathroom(myself included as i had stopped drinking all liquids by 8 pm last night in order to avoid the "having to find a bathroom" dilemma one encounters in parade situations, and I am fully aware that I am not as young as I used to be...), I didn't mind being ignored by the folks who ignore me when I am back home, I didn't even mind the torrential down pour because I wasn't wearing white and didn't have the potential to scare anyone if my shirt became wet.  It was all lovely.

And here are my ideas for future parades....I propose that all of the schools make banners with their tuitions. This way, the parade could also be an advertising campaign and we could find out where we could be saving money.  I propose that JNF, JCRC, Jordache, any hospital, any political candidate or any non profit that march in the parade give out candy. Or granola bars. Or little boxes of cereal. Or Tab.  I got a little hungry waiting to see my precious gems walk down fifth avenue and i would much rather have a hershey bar than another israeli flag that I am going to feel bad throwing out(am i even allowed to throw a flag out? is it like something with god's name in it? oh well..)

And that's it. Only two proposals. And of course, one involves food...
Hope you all had a glorious day and remember to be kind to one another because life is too short to be mean and cranky all the time...

Happy Sunday

Paul Anka and the Devils

So last night, I had to escort my mother to a Paul Anka concert.  For those of you who don't know who he is, google him( i hear he likes that after leaving his wife of 30 some odd years) anyway, I had to go with her because my dad apparently had a "meeting" he had to go to(game 5 of the eastern conference finals..Devils vs Rangers...he didn't actually see the game at the Garden, but in his living room, after his "meeting") and since I am the good natured middle child, I got stuck going to the concert.

We decided it would be best if I drove my mom's car because she has a handicap placard, but that decision was sort of silly because EVERYONE attending this concert had a handicap placard and I ended up dropping my mom off in front and parking three blocks away. Funny how all of those handicapped folks can walk a mile to see Paul, but need a parking spot right next to the entrance of costco...

Upon entering Bergen Pac, I felt especially young and surgically unaltered. I also realized that i might've been the only woman there who hadn't gone through menopause or colored her hair.  This audience was crazy for Paul...i guess it's the same as my going to a Rick Springfield concert..i turn 16 again..well, so did these folks.  There was singing and swaying and crying. Paul looks pretty fit for a guy in his early 70's(or any age, come to think of it)...the crowd went wild to classics like "Diana"(google it), "Put your head on my shoulders"(available on itunes) and the unforgettable "My Way"....(im sure there are several versions on you tube..)

But what was especially amusing, to me anyway, because I am evil, was that since the concert was an hour and 45 minutes long(and probably would've been longer had the vans from the nursing homes not shown up) and there was no intermission, many of these folks had to visit the restroom. Over and over again.  And since it was the senior set, some of them couldn't find their seats when they got back...old guys were shouting their wives names...it was funny and sad all at the same time.

He puts on a pretty good show that Paul Anka...my mom had a great time, the Devils won and we didn't get mugged walking back to our car. Of course when i got home my  youngest son the Rangers fan was not in a good mood, since he team lost AND his brothers tortured him the whole night, but that's just the way it is....at least my mom got to feel 16 again...

Happy Thursday

mothers day 2012

Another mother's day has come and gone. My boys did their very best to try and show me how much they appreciate me. Though, one of them was paying so much attention to the card he got me that he signed it "love, mom"...really...22 and a half hours of labor and you couldn't sign your name? The other son wrote me adorable poems to go with the breakfast that they brought me(aww, isn't that sweet, breakfast in bed...i only told them what i wanted 20 times in four different languages..but, at least they remembered the butter to go with the muffins) and husband #1 couldn't wait to go visit his mother so, you can imagine how that ended for him...but, regardless, mothers day 2012 ended with onion rings at my brother and sister-in-law's in the city so it could've been a lot worse... I have often said that i have no idea what i am doing as a mom. My kids have picked up on this, especially with my stellar following-through-with-the -punishment record that i have amassed over the years, but I always find such humor in the studies they do about parenting. As a mom who nursed, my favorites are those studies-nursing prevents ear infections(not), nursing helps babies sleep better(not), nursing helps moms lose weight(not). These recent "attachment parenting" studies really make me laugh because husband #1 was not nursed at all and he is pretty attached....But i am thinking they should be doing more relevant studies like the children who refuse to eat vegetables study..will that effect their future careers? the children who have selective hearing studies..will their future spouses be more apt to slam them over the head with a hammer? the children who don't know what a washing machine is....and so on and so on...Perhaps i should be taking notes and see how that all works out for my boys...who knows, one day i could be on the cover of Time magazine... But in the end, even though my history with mothers day has not been great, i truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, my sons appreciate all that i do for them. And i do it with all the love in the world because they are my world and being a mom is the greatest thing in the world....(wait, i just threw up in my mouth...must've been the muffin) Hope all you mothers out their weren't totally disappointed on mothers day...

My life as a sports metaphor....4/27/12

Last night was a big night in our home. Rangers won their game 7, which made husband #1 and son #3 happy and then the Devils won their game 7, which made the rest of the family happy. Problem was, the Devils game went into double overtime and didn't end until after midnite. So while husband #1 tiptoed(stomped, tiptoed, same thing..)out of this house at 630 this morning, evil mom had to deal with "the morning after"...(which takes on a whole new meaning in this saga...)and wake the boys for school. We will call this the 3 on 1 power play. Not pretty. I was a bad mom for making them go to school, even though I was a good mom for letting them stay up. Wait, I was a bad mom for letting them stay up....no, I was good...until this morning...the boys tried to kill time in this power play, but I was victorious and everyone got to school on time. But not before I became the irate player on the ice, who starts yelling at the ref and you can see all of the bad words he is saying on tv because they have yet to learn to edit that...that was me. I'm not proud to admit it, but mom dropped the f bomb several times during the power play...in game 7, you've got to do what you've got to do. I even started with the "if you don't get your f$&@& asses out here, you are never watching another playoff game for the rest of the season." really? Did I really need to say that? The team knows that all they have to do is give me a hug and a smile and they are off the bench. I'd be a really crappy coach..hopefully, I'm a better mom...maybe they'll get me a Stanley cup for mothers day. Or a whistle... Happy Friday and may all of your penalty kills be successful...

saturday, april 21, 2012

the circle of life.. So i survived the passover holiday. Everyone got along..i only yelled at my mom once, god forgive me, and now everything is put away like it never happened. That is what life is like. We prepare, we worry, we celebrate, we cry, we laugh...good things happen, bad things happen and then the sun sets and rises and it all starts again the next day. I tried to explain to my kids that the really cool thing about all of these holidays we celebrate is that it connects us to all of the generations before us. Thousands of years ago, our relatives were also yelling at their spouses about not helping wash the dishes..thousands of years ago, our relatives were also complaining that there was nothing to do at the hotel they were staying at- oh wait, i dont think there were any passover programs back then, but im sure there were spouses yelling at each other..that is a part of history that keeps repeating itself.. Though i cant imagine it was as easy to kosher your kitchen for passover back then as it is now..hooray for progress. I told each of my boys to please help clear the table after each meal. They looked at me and said "of course, mom (snicker snicker..and when i write snicker i mean the sound of someone snickering, not the chocolate bar-if they had each given me a snickers, it might've taken the sting out of their snickering..)" The only boy who actually did help clear the table was husband #1...that's right folks, a passover miracle in the land of Teaneck. And speaking of miracles, I made my "key" challah for shabbos...for those of you who dont know what i am talking about, since we are not a religion that is superstitious, on the shabbos after passover, if you put a key in your challah, you are supposed to be blessed with financial gains...So i wrapped the key in the tin foil, put the piece of tinfoil in the dough and baked the challah. When we ate it, we found the foil...but the key was gone. This, i must say, was very unnerving...what does that mean?? Who took my key?? Will i be on food stamps this year?? Will i win the lottery this year?? WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN?? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY KEY?? I was thinking of asking my rabbi about this, but he would probably just say that i shouldnt be baking challah with a key to begin with..and that answer would just not be helpful. So I will just think positive thoughts about the whole thing(something i am not great at...yes, i know what you are thinking...) May we all be blessed with good health and financial gains this year... Happy Saturday night...

wednesday april 4, 2012

why passover is like having your first baby.
an essay in sleep deprivation and crankiness
by, banji d. latkin-ganchrow

T minus 72 hours until the big passover festival. As i have said before, i have not been able to complain or ask for help in these preparations because it is my decision to stay home and be with my family, since last year, we were the only ganchrow representatives who kept my in laws company at the granit. Husband #1 and his offsprings have been all-to-happy to accommodate my requests so, needless to say, cocktails have been coming in quite handy and all of the checkout gals at stop in shop, shoprite, fairway and pathmark know my name...but in getting ready for this week of tradition, it hit me, that getting ready for this holiday, is like getting ready for your first born(hence the title). How? you may ask(but probably arent because you are either packing to go away or cleaning to stay home..) here is my analysis.

When you find out you are pregnant, you have months to prepare. You read those stupid books that usually end up scaring the crap out of you, you watch "a baby story" on tlc, which usually ends up scaring the crap out of you...you get weighed in at the doctor every month(see where i am going with this?) but you have almost 9 months to prepare(10 months if you were pregnant with son #1)...but cant really get the rest you need because of the heartburn, alien kicking you from the inside, etc..And you have your spouse who gives you words of encouragement, takes you to lamaze(where you almost get thrown out because of the bickering), helps you around the house(this, of course, is all in theory..) But with all the time you have before this miraculous event occurs, once that adorable little sucker pops out(or is vacuumed out, or surgically removed..take your pick) you are ON!! On, i say, no more trying to sleep, there is no sleep. Your boobs become soda dispensers and you are on....But, of course, you have your supportive spouse who opts to go to work the next day because he is just not equipped to deal with this and the poor baby needs his rest...and im not talking about the actually baby...

When preparing for passover, you have weeks to make your lists, do your shopping, cooking and cleaning(and screaming at those who mess up what you just cleaned, but, whatever.) You research where cream cheese is cheapest(fairway-1.50 for 8 oz container) how many free 5 pound boxes of matzo you can fit into your house(is 50 pounds really too much for one week?), try to figure out why dixie cups are almost 16 dollars for 12?!?!(unless you get them at fairway for 9.99, but only two packs, which means there will be fighting amongst the troops when it comes to eating them and if husband #1 thinks he is getting any, he sadly mistaken...) And then, of course, while you are doing all of this and cooking, you have to sympathize with your friends who dont know how many t shirts to bring with them to florida and man, if they have to go to target one more time for flip flops they are just going to lose it!!(boo hoo hoo)
And then, in the blink of an eye...passover is here and you pray that there isn't a bag of oreos in the coffee table because then your psycho husband wont let anyone into the family room...because once its here, you are ON! it didnt matter how long you had to prepare....you are on-trying to figure out how to make crushed pieces of matza taste like stuffing...and then, in the blink of the other eye, its over and you have one night to undo all of the work you have been doing over many weeks..it all goes back to its home in the basement until next time.

OK, that is where passover and having your first child differ, you cant put the baby in the basement until the next time, because that would be very wrong...but i hope you got my point(which, i hope there was one, and not just my usual incessant ramblings..)

I wish you all a happy and healthy holiday, wherever you are. Take the time to appreciate your family(even though you might kill them and chalk it up to the four cups of wine)appreciate your hard work(unless you are away, and then appreciate who ever paid for it..) and thank god for all of your blessings...

Happy Wednesday

friday march 16, 2012

wife before mother

many of you were kind enough to send me the link to the article written by some woman about her take on being a boy mom and the "demands" she was going to make of her future daughters in law. Lady, i got to tell you..you are in big trouble. Some of us have crappy mother in laws and great husbands. Some of us have great mother in laws and crappy husbands. Some of us have crappy both and some of us, a very few, select group, a group that is so few that it might be an urban myth...some of us have amazing mother in laws and amazing husbands(seriously, are you thinking that i am in that group? do you know me at all?) And the woman who wrote that article is in for a rude awakening because the bottom line is, our sons could be our best friends in the whole world, we love them more than anything...but lady, once they get married..the torch is passed and as soon as you learn that the better.

Wife before mother. I have said this many many a time. If your son puts his wife first, everyone will be happy. If he can only call you once a week from a closet in the basement that is sound-proof, cherish the call and move on. Find a support group...take up drinking(unless, of course, you have already)..do what you have to do to get through it...but you get what you get and you dont get upset(unless of course, you are me...or maybe you...but you get my point.)If your daughter in law wants you to babysit at 530 in the morning, smile and say "yes, please, may I have another?" Because when you only have sons, that is the way it's got to be. No daughters to fall back on and bitch to about the girl their brother married and where did you go wrong..blah blah blah. I know where i went wrong and when I meet these girls for the first time i will say "Im sorry, he doesnt know how to do anything, but i will cook and clean for you to make your life a little easier." Every mother thinks their son is a gem..perfect...some of us need to be realistic. Dont get me wrong, they are perfect and they are gems..but only to us, their moms. To their wives they might be lazy, messy smelly bastards who fart all the time and dont know what a laundry hamper is. So we, as mother in laws, need to ease the transition. To make our daughters in law aware that we know we weren't perfect moms. To help out in the most non-conspicuous and intrusive manner possible(please, take more of my jewelry..whatever you want, really, i want you to have it..all of it!!) Not wearing a white gown to their wedding, not telling them that they should write thank you notes, not telling them it isn't normal for their babies to be eating candy...Our jobs, as the mothers of only sons, it to make our daughters in law feel that they are the queens and we are a distant..very very very distant second(unless, of course, our sons have daughters, please god, and we are pushed even further back in the rankings...)

The woman who wrote that article needs to cherish the years she has with her boys, and then when they marry, put her ego away and take it as it comes. Because that is all we can do.

Happy Friday

wednesday, february 29, 2012

i'm sorry..

I must admit, i've been suffering from writers block. It seems that once you blog about your husband setting himself on fire, it is hard to find a topic to top that(and the topics that do top that are on the "forbidden" subjects list..ie, in laws, neighbors, kids school, etc) So, this will be a let down and for that, I apologize.

Today is February 29th..my cousin Bernard would have been 108 today(dont worry, I am not about to explain who cousin Bernard is, but he should rest in peace and he was an incredible, wonderful, smart man)We were blessed to celebrate his 104th birthday with him, four years ago, and then he passed away a few weeks after that. Why am i telling you this? well, in honor of his birthday, which, as i just mentioned, is only every four years, I was going to buy an ice cream cake for the family to celebrate his memory, but that was soon shot down because of the rampant lactose intolerance that members of my family are subject to, and since we have son #2's hockey game tonight, we didn't want to chance anyone spending the whole evening in the bathroom..but, upon thinking about the "once every four year thing" i realized that IN four years, god willing, I will have a son in college(unless he decides to stay in Israel for another year, which will mean I am not longer speaking to husband #1 since he encouraged son #1 to go in the first place), one son a senior in high school and one son a freshman in high school. Holy Freaking Crap. Some of my friends could have married kids or grandchildren. Holy Freaking Crap. I will definitely be all gray and husband #1 will still be bald(still not my fault, he was bald when we married..)

And then i heard my mother's voice saying "don't rush the years," which she is so right about(got to give her credit for being right since I blame so many other things on her...)and i was transported back to today, not getting the ice cream cake and taking things one day at a time.

See, it's hard to top your husband setting himself on fire!!!!!

Happy Wednesday

Monday february 13, 2012

you can't make this stuff up...

Some of you think i exaggerate some of my tales. Truth is, i do tend to use my poetic license from time to time. And then, there are those other times, when I wish I could make stuff up. Like when husband #1 and I were first married and after the ceremony, we went into a room together to "be alone" for the first time..I was all giddy and excited and he, well, he spent the next 20 minutes in the bathroom. I am not making that up.

Or when the boys were little..really little, like 1 and 2 years old little, and one of them came in to my room to tell me that the other one was playing with chocolate and got it all over the carpet. It wasn't chocolate. And it was all over the carpet. I am not making that up.

And then there was this past weekend. We attended the bar mitzvah of a very adorable boy who lives next door to us. Since it was at a hotel, husband #1 decided to pack his very favorite suit. He loves that suit. He bought it for son #1's bar mitzvah(and then wore it to son #2's bar mitzvah..those poor middle children, can't even get their parents to buy some new clothes for their celebrations...) It is his best suit. He even has a tie that coordinates with the suit.

So we are at the bar mitzvah, it's Friday night. We had just finished a lovely dinner that was accompanied by lovely cocktails, lovely conversation and lovely speeches and we were perusing the desserts hoping to find some stella doro cookies(for husband #1) or linzer tarts(for the fat trophy wife)since all we found was not what we were looking for(but all beautifully presented, just too fancy for the folks in the cheap clothes) we engaged in more conversation. While trying to convince a friend of ours about the joys of cruising..how he should take his wife on a short cruise, just to see if he would be sea sick the whole time, husband #1 chimes in and says "does it smell like something is burning?" I sniffed and said yes, and while saying yes, i notice the smoke billowing out from husband #1's back and I say, perhaps a little too loudly "Holy crap honey(see, I said honey,actually, that was poetic license) you are on fire!!" (and not on fire like, lets rush up to our hotel room and put out the fire, wink wink..it was an actual holy&*&* you are on fire, fire...)

Yes, husband #1 had sat on a candle and set himself on fire. Like Michael Jackson in the pepsi commercial fire. Like...well, like what happens when you aren't paying attention and you sit on a candle fire. It was funny and sad all at the same time because upon turning around to let me assess the damage, he, indeed, had burned a hole through his favorite suit. (but THANK GOD, he was ok...pheww...party planner avoided a HUGE lawsuit...we can still be friends with the people who made the simcha...)But the suit jacket did not fare as well. And fat trophy wife spent the next day asking anyone in a suit, where they buy their suits. Poor husband #1, he has to live with me AND it looks like I burn him with cigar butts....

Fortunately, he had brought a second suit with him, which, to me, looked exactly like the first suit, but who am i to judge, as I walk around in my biggest loser sweatshirt, and he stayed away from anything with a flame for the rest of the weekend(which was not easy to do, since he was with me, wink wink...yuck, i am kidding.)

And today, I will be bringing the ill-fated jacket to our friend the dry cleaner, to see if he can work a miracle and fix the poor thing.

To be continued, because there should be a ton of material in suit shopping with husband #1....

Happy Monday

Sunday february 5, 2012

boo hoo no more football

SPOILER ALERT: the giants won the superbowl. Yippee doo da day. This family would've been much happier if the Vikings or the Panthers or the Rams or the Dolphins won, but what can you do. None of this make me any more or less cranky than i was before so there you have it. Football season is over and now we can concentrate on planning our 7th annual Ganchrow Family Roadtrip also known as "wow, that Banji is the best mom in the entire world."

But, before we get into that, we need to discuss my friend Madonna and the 1/2 time show. Now Madonna really isn't my friend, but I have always felt a connection to her and not because our physiques are so similar, it is because my Jack and her Lourdes were born only a few weeks apart from each other and we got to experience labor, delivery, first night home from the hospital and the joy of becoming a mother together. Of course Lourdes has a baby daddy and Jack has real daddy, but we still have a bond. I have to say, that Madonna actually dressed her age tonight. It was a little disappointing. I was expecting booby cones with fireworks shooting out of them...I was looking forward to seeing her arms that she works so hard to maintain...her bedonkadonk that could make a 20 year gym rat cry in jealousy over...she has a rocking bod, at 53, and she dressed like a grandmother. Ok, a young, hip, sexy grandmother-but she did not dress like the Madonna I know and love. The Madonna that shocked the nation with "like a virgin" and that book she came out with when she was hailing a cab naked(what was the name of that book?) Her voice was awesome, couldnt tell if it was real or prerecorded. I could've done with out ceelo green..he creeps me out a little bit. Seal might've been a better option, and it could have taken his mind off the fact that he will soon no longer be married to Heidi..breaks my heart.

Anyway, Madonna was awesome, poor song choice and all...even with her almost falling on her tushy..she still rocks after being in the business for so many years. I hope to look like her when i am 53 (ha ha ha ha...yes, i know that will never happen and that is ok..because it has to be..)

So congratulations to the Giants..I am only happy because Eli and Payton are brothers who have made their mom really proud over the years...just like when the Niedermayer brothers were both on the Ducks when they won the stanley cup-i was bawling like a baby thinking of the joy they had brought their mom...

I am fully aware that the Ganchrow boys, as talented and athletic as they are, will never bring me a superbowl ring or a stanley cup..but what they bring me means so much more...they bring me meaning to my life, a reason to get up in the morning and the joy of being able to put the seat down every single day...love you guys!!!!

Happy Sunday...onto the next sport....

Wednesday February 1, 2012

crap im old....but in a good way...

I must begin by saying that the cruise was amazing. It was amazing on so many different levels, the highest of which being my son got to reenact his bar mitzvah while sailing on the atlantic(well, he wasnt actually doing the sailing because that might not have ended well..but he was reading his torah portion while the captain was guiding our ship through the beautiful waters of the east coast and on saturday, the waters were still beautiful, it wasn't until we pulled into baltimore that the waters became a funnier looking color....)So that was really special. Rabbi Simon, who is the chabad rabbi in teaneck entrusted a torah to our fearless president of anshei menachem of the high seas, we will call him Doug, and president Doug did a great job keeping the torah safe and bringing us all that much closer to the coming of Moshiach. And to be perfectly honest, there were so many really fat women on the cruise, it was easy for all these guys to go to minyan 3 times a day cause there wasn't much out on deck to look at.(Oops, sorry Doug, I just brought us that much further from the coming of Moshiach..really sorry..) The whole experience was amazing. We had never vacationed with friends before (find that hard to believe do ya? why, because i am so easy to get along with?or, because people in my community tend to travel in packs?) and it was worth the wait. Of course, none of them have returned my calls since we got back, but that is ok..im not taking it personally(im kidding, by the way) President Doug's wife told me that she likes vacation Banji a lot more than real life Banji and truth be told, she is right. Vacation Banji isn't a beotch who snaps at everyone...vacation Banji doesn't complain about stupid things that other people do or say...well, that's because vacation Banji sits her fat bedonkadonk down on a lounge chair, closes her eyes, listens to the sounds of the ocean and doesn't have to talk to a single person that she doesnt want to...and, there are cocktails!!

This is totally not what i wanted to write about tonight...I wanted to write about the 15 year old kid who cut my hair today who told me he was making his dad a surprise 50th birthday party. Um, 50 is only 9 years away(with god's help) and im just hoping that my kids learn how to use the oven by then....but here is hoping they can do a lot more than that!

Happy Wednesday

Vacation 2012..new post..not a repeat...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

It's another saturday night..husband #1 took the boys to a Nets game, courtesy of cheap tickets on stubhub(is there any other kind of ticket?) and i'm home doing typical Cinderella stuff. Many of you think that I should get a job to contribute to the financial well being of my family. To you, I say..bite me. I am currently wearing a 22 year old tshirt that I think i bought in great adventure with my friend Deva and pants that i got at target on sale...I bought 48 boxes of pasta when they were only 49 cents each and the black dress I wear to various weddings and bat mitzvahs is the same one I wore when i got married..(well, I didn't wear it to my wedding..i wore it the night after my wedding..insert lewd comment here)..

Anyway, the one good thing that husband #1's parents taught him(see, giving credit where credit is due) was the importance of taking a vacation without your children(refrain from comment here..). I have been quite lucky that for the past few years, we have taken some really nice vacations sans kids. But last year I realized that son #1 will be going to Israel in the blink of an eye, and since he is a son and not a daughter, that, I hear from many wise moms-of-boys, is the beginning of the end(good end for the son, bad end for the mom)And that is when I broke the bad news to husband #1- no more vacations without the kids. They are coming with us..wherever we go. I don't care if they fight, throw things at each other, yell, scream, wrestle..goddamit, those kids are coming with us because we love them and soon, they will only want to be with their in laws and we will never see them again unless we end up in the hospital(god forbid) or beg and plead for them to come for a visit...not a long visit, just enough for them to drop off the grandkids and go on vacation. Wow, that was some tangent.

We are taking the kids on vacation...the past two years, our vacation involved son #1 and I raising over 7 thousand dollars for chai lifeline so we could do the half marathon. This year, we are taking them on a cruise. A classy, white trashy, man do i look skinny Carnival cruise. Yes, Carnival owns the cruise line that sunk. Yes, i saw the pictures...yes, I am still going. No, I will not be drunk the whole time(alcohol is extra, silly, and if I am shlepping 24 cans of fanta for husband #1, do you really think I can spend money on alcohol???) I am hoping the boys will bond and realize how lucky they are to be going on a vacation and spending it together..I am hoping that they will take a vacation from fighting and won't throw each other over board(though I know there are security cameras everywhere when i tried to get rid of husband #1 the first time we cruised...) I am hoping they appreciate the fact that their father and I are giving up alone time, so we can take in all of the precious moments that life gives us, but that pass all too quickly.

Who am I kidding...I hope they find friends and leave me alone for a few hours...

Happy Saturday

monday january 9, 2012

excuse me, im having a hot flash, is this seat taken?

Before i begin my "holier than thou" monologue, this blog does not apply to any one related to the person who made the simcha or the people who did the right thing, and you know who you are....and here i go...

This past sunday I attended the festive circumcision of a young man who was born into one of the most amazing families I know. Wonderful aunts and uncles, incredible grandparents..the whole 9 yards. Yet, when i entered the room where breakfast was being served, i was surprised to find most of those people standing, along with various middle-age to elderly friends and other assorted relatives of the family. And while these kind older people were standing (and when i say older, i dont mean they look older, they all look fabulous, just, chronologically, they happen to be older...) there seem to be an overabundance of young people sitting. And when i say young people, i mean people under the age of 6 and their parents, who are under the age of 30.

This brings me back to my self righteous opinion of "who is a good person." Is a good person someone who covers their hair and doesn't make out with their husband in public(yuck..sorry husband #1) or is a good person someone who gives their seat, and the seat of their snotty nosed child(or in the case of this particular function, snotty nosed children) to an elderly couple who can barely stand...hmmmm, let me think...Yes, i know this was a sunday morning circumcision and you need to get the kids out of the house, but, right is right people. There are 50 gray haired young folks looking for seats, get your kids up and do the right thing...its not like you are still pregnant, you are nursing the baby at the table for gods sakes..baby is born, give up your seat!!

I firmly maintain that if your child is not yet old enough for you to cut his hair, he should not have his own seat when there are older people standing. If your child does not know the difference between a pancake and a napkin(and is happy to chew on either) he should not have a seat..im just saying....I did not know the majority of the people at this simcha, probably because they arent old enough to attend the pre-menopause support group that i attend, but i was not very impressed.

Man i feel better. Yes, i know i need professional help....

Happy Monday

Sunday January 1,2012

It's 2012??

I am not quite sure how we got to 2012. I mean, I know how we got here, but I still can't believe that another year has gone by. Looking back, I still remember thinking that I was going to be 30 in the year 2000 and that seemed like a million years away and now it's 2012 and I'm way past 30...(but still look like I'm 28 and act like I'm 12...) I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was saying that every day feels like the same thing..over and over again, truth be told, to a certain extent, she is right, but with all of the crappy things that have happened to people I care about this year, I will take the monotony over uncertainty any day(of course I say this as I am lounging in bed while husband #1 is playing the role of referee while son #3 is screaming his brains out and sons 1 and 2 are running for cover..) There is something to be said for knowing what comes next, or at least thinking we know what comes next...

And as I watched the new weight watchers commercial at the stroke of midnight(god bless that Jennifer Hudson...can't wait to see what song she sings when she gets pregnant again..), I thought of my resolutions for the new year. We had our "young friends" over last night(and it got pretty crazy with three of their kids over..) and I asked my friend what her resolution was and she replied "not to yell so much." And that is when it hit me. I am not making any new years resolutions because if I have learned anything in my 41 years of life, it's that I suck at the follow through.

I would love not yell so much and have my kids think I am Mary Sunshine...but that's not going to happen. If anything, my mood disorder keeps them on their toes. I would love to be a nicer person, but I don't really like a lot of people because they continually disappoint you, so scratch that resolution. Basically, the only things I can resolve is that I will not kill anyone, on purpose anyway, I will not have an affair(too much effort and really, one is enough, husband that is, not affair, just to be clear) and I will try my best to try my best....that is all I can do.

Wishing all of you a happy and healthy 2012, filled with all the things you wish for yourselves...

Happy Sunday