Friday, April 30, 2010

friday april 30, 2010.....6 months and 1 day...

arrest me

apparently i now have something in common with goldman sachs(previously, i had nothing in common with them...)i also have something in common with spitzer(not prostitutes)and the mayor of jersey city(i don't know what he did) i am currently under investigation. I haven't stolen anything, i am not consorting with people of ill-repute....i am under investigation for poor housekeeping skills. my son had to go to school today with no pants or socks.

i don't know what went wrong. i have been ironing and folding and sorting and washing and drying. yet, this morning, my eldest came down in pajama pants and i asked him why he wasn't dressed. "it's pajama day" he told me...and i thought"figures yeshivat noam would have pajama day for the 8th graders..." and then he looked at me and said "ma, i'm kidding, i have no pants and all of my socks have holes in them..." WHAT?!?!?!?!!? why didn't he tell me that his supply was running low? i am always on top of replenishing his pants drawer-that is what i do...that is what defines who i am ...i am a mom who keeps everyone's clothes in order..who vacuums their carpets and dusts their dressers...what happened here? did someone break in and steal his pants? rip all of his socks? i was in quite the quandry and i have been waiting all day for social services to come and take me away for sending my son to school barefoot and in boxers....

so he left for school, i left for the gym, quite upset about the absence of pants. when i got home, i went up to his room to vacuum and that is when i saw his laundry basket stuffed and over-flowing with all of his pants. this is only a problem because he told me that he had brought his laundry downstairs..and i, silly silly trusting mother that i am , i believed that little rascal. it wasn't my fault...i didn't fail my family...thank the lord...the pants are now being laundered and will be ironed and back in his drawers before he comes home. because even after this little hiccup, i am super-mom...cape and all....

he didn't really go to school without pants.... (in case you were wondering.....)

Happy Friday

Thursday, April 29, 2010

thursday, april 29, 2010

no really, tell me all about your labor....

today brody and claire are 2 years old. they are my niece and nephew and they are adorable. i remember the day they were born....i remember wondering why my sister-in-law put on less weight with twins than i did with one....but i remember seeing her hold these little miracles for the first time and just crying, because it really is a miracle....

but it got me thinking, why do people(women, but not my sister-in-law, because she is the least narcissistic person I know, maybe because she really isn't a latkin by blood...) insist on telling you about their labor and delivery experiences in detail...down to the last contraction and scream..why? just let me know if the baby is ok, i don't care if you ripped in half and they had to sew you back together with licorice...if the baby is ok and you are still breathing, all is right with the world.

as for my labors....well, if you don't like when i make fun of my sweet, adorable might as well just stop reading HERE.

Baby number 1...Jack was kind enough to be two weeks late and join the world during playoff season. Yankee playoffs. though that could be "enough said" well kids, it isn't. I was in labor, without medication for 2o hours and 30 minutes...gave birth to a perfect firstborn...and Ari watched three baseball games. and the yankees went on to win the world series. when asked how my labor was, ari replied "the yankees won!" awesome

Baby number 2.....decided to take the epidural right away, fell asleep while ari watched days of our lives...woke up, dr yelled at ari to "get off the bed, stop watching tv and help your wife!!!" should've known then of what was to come "get off the bed and change a diaper...." "get off the bed and go play ball with your sons" "get off the couch and help
me with the laundry"...i know, poor poor freakin hoo....hope his parents aren't reading this...

Baby number 3.....he joined us at 1:30 am friday morning....ari had to make the shalom zachor without me...but don't worry, while in labor, having mothers intuition that god was blessing with me a third son, i set the tables, cleaned the basement, took out the previously hidden paper goods and cookies that i had frozen while nesting weeks earlier....ari was safe (and got to spend a restful weekend with his parents while i was in the hospital watching the beverly hills 90210 labor day marathon....we both win!)

So those are the abridged versions....(or is it unabridged? i never claimed to be smart...) I took some liberty with ari's reactions...truth is, when baby number 1 was born, he tried to be as helpful as was a horrible labor and a scary delivery..and when Jack was finally here...i was so tired and hungry, that i just wanted to eat the cheerios and milk my dad brought for me. because there it is again-food is love.

Happy birthday Brody and Claire and may we all cherish the precious memories of our childrens births....

Happy thurday
('re a great dad!!!!)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

wednesday, april 28,2010

just shoot me....or, how i feel about bad plastic surgery....

about a year ago, i was visiting a friend and when i saw her, her eyes looked really, really big and like they couldn't move...i asked her is she was ok and she said "botox." oy vey. fortunately, the next time she got it, she didn't look like she was just punched in the stomach, but it made me think....why do women (and some strange men) want to go to such extreme measures to look younger? it just seems to me, that if you are in your "mid-life" years, you are hunched over and can barely walk anymore, does it really matter if you have no wrinkles?

poor molly ringwald was on the today show and she looked like she had a minor stroke-1 half of her mouth did not coordinate with the other half...i was having trouble concentrating on what she was saying because the rest of her face didn't move at all....and i dont think we are going to be best friends because she didn't make me laugh once!!

and have you seen melanie griffin? (griffith? married to antonio banderas who probably hasn't had any surgery and still looks good...) she made a guest appearance on nip/tuck, a show about plastic surgery and she looks like she has had things injected into her face that aren't supposed to be there...what is that about? her face is a smooth as a baby's bottom and as lumpy as a bag of marshmallows and her hands are that of a 75 year old....scary! what's the point?

poor beautiful christie brinkley...the rest of her face is so tight, her eyes have actually disappeared-how does she see??

my only pet peeve is the turkey neck....if your neck can swing from side to side, it has to go. swinging arms, you can hide, swinging neck, not so much....i am saving money for that procedure now...but as for my face-i have accepted that it is only going to get worse. because i don't want to look like i have had a stroke, when i actually haven't....we need to embrace our face (how is that for an ad campaign?) good, bad, wrinkly or otherwise...aging gracefully is better than not aging at all.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

tuesday april 27,2010


as many of you know, i am totally obsessed with facebook. psychologists tell us that there is a reason for everything we do in life. if we like sports, it's because our parents didn't play with us enough as children, if we like reading, it's because our parents locked us in our room with no tv, if we eat too much, it's because our parents hid the cookies....(yes, i am totally making all of this up, but much truth is said in jest AND i am getting to a point...somewhere...)

i like facebook because it makes me feel like a popular stalker. on facebook, i have 481 friends, in real life, i have 4(maybe 6 on a good day). on facebook, i can look at everyones pictures, see all of the things they have been up to, in real life, i might get arrested for breaking into your house to look at your pictures...i have also been known to cross reference facebook friends to find out who is engaged to whom, who is related to whom, i even look up friends of my "younger friends"(and i am talking high school....)so i can find out what those crazy kids are all talking about...i need to be in the know. i need to know why "rafi" broke up with "malki" and is now dating "fraidel" who is a skank and wears strapless...oy vey..the drama...

i start my day by checking on each of my 481 friends, because i am considerate and want to make sure they are all doing well...i am not into any of the games-pathwords, wordfind, bejeweled, bewildered...dont need the games, just good, old fashioned human contact..or in this case, a good internet connection and a keyboard. because, according to psychologist, i guess i really don't like good-old-fashioned human contact....and that is why i only have 4 friends in real life(6 on a good day...)..but on facebook, i can feel popular and have confidence...look at all of the people who want to be my friend...yeay me!!

maybe i need a real psychologist....

happy tuesday...

Monday, April 26, 2010

monday april 26, 2010

tough choices...

Molly Ringwald. if you haven't heard of her, let me fill you in...she is the heroine of many an 80's movie...16 candles...pretty in pink....I just love her. Now she is grown up and in some show on tv that I actually do not watch..BUT, she is going to be at the Bookends book store in ridgewood on wednesday signing her new book about turning 40. Now, i didn't even know that she wrote a book, but, i am pretty sure that she turned 40 a few years ago....anyway,,,i would LOVE to meet her. i would love to tell her that i turned 16 when i watched 16 candles for the first time (and have watched it many many many times since then ,and it never gets old...) i would love to tell her how happy i am for her that she had twins and found true love and what great friends we could be and how much she would enjoy reading my blog....

but, alas, one of my beloved sons has a baseball game that night. what should i do? should i miss out on watching another painful 2 hours of baseball and meet my long lost friend? should i pawn my son off on some unsuspecting, but good natured parent to take responsibility for my child and tell them that i going somewhere actually important? I have a doctors appt....i have a meeting with the state assembly...i am putting out lawn signs for people running for town council....can i make something up? or, do i be honest and say "i am going to meet molly ringwald."

truth is, if it was my boyfriend, rick springfield, i would miss the game without a second thought, and my kid knows that..because i do have my priorites...but molly will just have to wait a little longer to meet her new best friend. baseball comes first..and if i haven't learned that by now, i am in BIG trouble....

meanwhile....i am home this morning waiting for the nice man to fix matthew's closet door (from yesterday's blog....) i already told ari that if he needs new doors (matthew's closet, not ari) i will just hang up a sheet to save money.....because that is the kind of wife i am....

happy monday

Sunday, April 25, 2010

sunday, april 25,2010

whose fault is it anyway?

last night, i went to retrieve the bags of clothes that are going to be picked up for charitable donations today...while pulling the bags out of matthew's closet, i did something bad. i broke the door. these are not new closet doors, these came with the house when we bought it. they are quite large and are attached to a track only on the top. i am thinking the doors might even be older than i am...though, i had come to believe that they were in better shape than i am, but looks can be deceiving.

so instead of just saying "ok, i broke the door, i will call the repairman and he will come fix it..let's all go make ice cream sundaes..." i went into a ...well...a tirade....words came out of my mouth that should not have been in there in the first place (but as a skinny person would say, better bad words than bad calories...does anyone say that?) matthew fled the room seeking shelter and a therapist and i attempted to put the door back on the track, but it is stuck. really really stuck.

and then it became ari's fault. isn't it his fault? after all, when he came up to "help me" the look on his face was "oh no, i have no idea what to do, i have no idea who to call and now, she is going to yell at me...why, oh why, has this become my life?" yes, i know that I broke the door, but isn't he supposed to know how to fix it? ok, i know the answer to that question, but can't a girl dream? we are going to be married for 15 years and i am still secretly hoping that one day, he is going to say, "honey, all these years i have been pretending that i have no idea how to fix anything, but you now must know the real father is Bob Villa" and then the music will start playing in the background and he will install an outlet and we will dance into the sunset..

back to reality...i will be calling the repairman, and i have a sneaking suspicion that matthew is getting new closet doors.

happy sunday

Friday, April 23, 2010

friday, april 23,2010

just a theory....

i have come to the conclusion that food is to women like sports is to men. follow along if you would like.....women obsess with what they are going to eat(in some cases, what they are not going to eat...go figure) they obsess with exercise to work off the calories from the food..and with clothing that should fit them if they regulate their food(i don't get that one either)there are actually women who take trips out to brooklyn or long island to go shopping..have personal all amazes me, but i am not one to judge...i grew up with a mother and a sister who LOVED to shop and perhaps that is why i dislike it so much now. the most stressful thing about my son's bar mitzva was having to find two pairs of "grown up"shoes. you would think i was searching for the holy grail the way i was carrying on about these shoes-but i HATE shopping and i really like my nike frees and the thought of wearing heels almost put me over the edge....

anyway, last night this whole theory dawned on my because my sons informed me that they had to work their whole schedule around the draft...first i thought it was another fantasy baseball draft(silly mommy, the season already started) but then i was informed that it was the football draft...huh? didn't we just finish with football season? what are you people talking about? who in gods name is sam hartman? who is suu? ...ok, so we had the draft to worry about and who the vikings were going to get, but simultaneosly, we had to worry about the devils being eliminated (which they were...)and the mets losing again(which they didn't....miracle) the yankees lost, and the blazers lost-who are the blazers? no idea, but apparently, one of my son's friend's in school was going to be very upset about it.

anyone want breakfast? no.....a snack? no.......where is the sports section? i know i am wearing ripped pants, who cares...where is the sports section? "why do you need the sports section if you know all of the scores already?" i ask, apparently sounded like a total moron... "are you sure no one wants breakfast????"

mommy eats alone, again.....i think it is a pretty good theory after all...

happy friday

Thursday, April 22, 2010

thursday, april 22,2010

random thoughts on the path to senility....

previously, on holycrapimgonnabe40, i had blogged about the 40th birthday party i attended saturday nite. what i failed to mention, was that the brother-in-law of the birthday girl, made us all 80's cds..filled with both tv theme show music and top 40 music (from the 80s, obviously, it was a totally clever and thoughtful party favor..) here is where the problem was...i couldn't place some of the theme show know when it is on the tip of your tongue, but you can't remember what it is and it drives you crazy and consumes all of your thoughts?? "mom, i need help with my homework..." sorry kid, i have got this song in my head and i don't know where it is from "mom, the police are here again..." tell them to wait, it is all coming back to me "mom, the wacky mac is burning..." WHERE THE HELL IS THIS SONG FROM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! so the gift was both a blessing (fond memories of things that happened during the song "dont you forget about me...")and a curse...(oh my god, i am getting so old that i can't even remember anything...)

then it hit me, we are no longer in the 80's, and now, through the grace of god and some geeks out in california, we have google. so i googled "what would we do baby, without us is from what tv show?" anyone? anyone? bueller?(80s reference...)and the answer is Family Ties. thank god. i can unlock the kids from the panic room, take the gag out of ari's mouth and get a good nights sleep..that google saved my life. did you know you could ask it anything, and i mean anything, and someone, somewhere had posted a response for you. (though through experience i have learned that you should consult an actual doctor before thinking that you have the bubonic plague or leprosy...just saying...)

on another random note, when i wrote my "diets i love" blog, i did not know about the "brown rice diet..." where you get to pay a doctor hundreds of dollars to tell you to eat three bowls of brown rice with some protein and drink a "conconction" that has yet to be approved by the fda...(that hasn't been confirmed or denied..)
people. wake up. it is all a scam. it isn't what you are eating, it is how much you are eating!(see, it pays to watch the today show, who says i should get a job, look at all of this information i have...) you, too, can be a skinny minnie if you only eat the "serving size" and not the "serving size for a city in illinios..."(i am actually just talking to myself now, appparently, most of the people on the brown rice diet don't even need to be on a diet in the first place....)

kk, i'm done.

Happy thursday

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

wednesday, april 21, 2010

if you think this is about you then you shouldn't be doing it......

throughout the centuries, jokes and insinuations have been made about the size of a man's car in relation to a man's ummm, we will call it a man's heart...if a man has a mid-life crisis and he buys himself a "fast car" we are to think it is a reflection of his "speed" and "capability." so, i ask you, if all these years comments have been made about men, why is it that women keep driving bigger and bigger vehicles? is a bigger suv a reflection of a bigger butt? implants? a big mouth?(no, i don't drive an suv, but thanks for that...) is it a reflection of what the man in their life is missing? (now that is an interesting observation...especially because in the community I live in, most of the men drive a smaller vehicle, which could be indicitive of the widespread epidemic of emasculation in our area....for another blog...)

so we have small women and big cars(and some big women in big cars, but i will stick with the smaller ones for visualization purposes...) they can barely reach the gas pedal, see out the rear view mirror and stop at a stop sign all at the same time. but what gets me, is that in addition to trying to do all of these things at once when they aren't even tall enough to be eligible to ride a roller coaster...they are also TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES WITHOUT A HANDS FREE DEVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is not good. if you can afford the big suv, you can afford a hands free device. in fact, i have heard that a lot of people who walk around with those snaggletooth things(blue tooth?) and seem to be in the midst of a conversation, are actually just pretending to be on the phone so they can ignore the people around them who they don't want to talk if you get one of those things, you can be a safer driver AND continue to be an elitist all at the same time-see? everyone is happy now.

so lets all work on not emasculating our spouses AND driving safer

happy wednesday

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

tuesday, april 20, 2010

breakfast is the most important meal of the day.....

i could write about different diets from now until i actually turn 40...they are all a load of crap. i love turning on some morning show, with some skinny woman telling me that a healthy breakfast will not only give me more energy for the whole day BUT, it will help me from being hungry at night. ok then. here i go, eating my bowl of oatmeal (which really isnt a bowl, but a mug size...)with my 15 1/2 almonds and 12 blueberries. i really am full...i really do have more energy...and if i go to sleep for the night in 45 minutes..i won't be hungry! wow, skinny minnie was right....

the ball diet is one that amuses me...some doctor(from brooklyn?long island?)who i am sure does not take insurance, puts balls behind your ears...if you are really heavy, they are basketballs, if you are smaller, ping pong balls...something with accupressure or acupuncture, i have no idea..but people SWEAR by it. why does this diet work? now, i don't know the actual diet but, it has something to do with only eating vegetables one day, only drinking milk one day, only spending the next day in the bathroom from all of the veggies and milk you had the days before......excellent. I know people who have been on it that are still thin, and i know people that have been on it that now look like the basketballs they had behind their ears...and that is ok. i am not the pot calling the kettle black, because i am fully aware that i am shaped like a pot. and that, too, is ok.

weight watchers holds the dearest place in my heart...there is nothing like a good old fashioned weight watcher meeting to help you feel better about yourself. There are few places where people give you a round of applause for only eating 3/4 of a box of donuts and not the ENTIRE box....because, after all, you did stop..and that is worth clapping for...because, in life, that is really what we all need-people to cheer us on for whatever we do.....unconditional support, that is what i am talking about.

and if you can't get it from the people in your life, just go ahead and eat the rest of that box of donuts....because someone, somewhere, will clap for you....

Happy Tuesday

Monday, April 19, 2010

monday april 19, 2010

just throw it out....please...

in an effort to save money for jonah's bar mitzva, i have decided not to leave the house for the next 6 months(except for my trips to the gym..spinning=sanity, except for the poor schmuck who gets to sit behind me..just kidding, i never let anyone sit behind me, don't want to scare anyone....)anyway, i decided to clean out the cedar closet in the basement. oh boy.

cleaning experts tell you that if you haven't worn it in over a year, throw it out. well, what happens if you bought it 5 years ago, because it was on sale and because you thought that you would eventually fit into it and it still has the tags on? survey says...THROW IT OUT. why? it is now too short for me to ever wear, in public, again. Even for ari, in private, it is still too short and would cause him to laugh which we cause me to laugh and the whole bladder control thing at my age..just wouldn't be's out. so very sad.

i have also come across a whole bunch of those poncho type things-they were in style about 6 years ago, i am SURE they are going to come back in style as they are flattering on both thin and fat mom gave them to me in every color..some with flowers..some with tassels....if they come back in style in 30 years, if i am still alive, i would have already have been commited to a nursing home by my daughter-in-laws and i guess they could give the ponchos to the nurses aides for christmas presents for taking such good care of me and not letting me use the phone to call my sons....ok, i'll keep the daughter-in-laws will thank me....(i have a dream....)

In anticipation of the 40 bags of old chicos clothing that i never should have worn in the first place, i have contacted the nice man who picks up the bags and gives me a tax receipt...i am getting to work, i am cleaning, i am sorting, i am organizing, i am saving money....ari is lucky to have me. though if i am getting rid of all of my old clothes, what will i wear? eventually, it will be too hot for the tbo sweatshirt.....does that mean i will have to go shopping and spend money? nah...i really like the sweatshirt.

happy monday

Sunday, April 18, 2010

sunday, april 18, 2010

just when you think you got out....they pull you back in

last night was the most fun 90 minutes i have had in quite a while. I was honored to attend the surprise 40th birthday party of one of my good friends from college. I even took a nap in anticipation of being up past 10:30 on a saturday nite...i was ready to party. when i entered the house where the party was, i swear i was in doc's time machine from back-to-the-future (80's reference for those of you who have absolutely no idea what i am talking about) and we were all 20 again, with no mortgages, no kids, no problems, no gray hairs and no peri-menopausal sypmtoms(i don't know what those are, but i thought it would be a good addition to that train of thought...) it was incredible.

we all told eachother how young we still look...and truth is, to us, we probably all still do look young. my friend caroline came in from atlanta...i still remember the outfit she was wearing when i met her on our first day of stern college for women and others...i think it was green, i think she thinks it was yellow, but who cares...she looks great and still makes me smile everytime i see her. and jilli...the blogs i could write about my years of friendship with jilli....and miriam...who my son thinks looks like she is 28..and she was like we were in a little cocoon (well, not that little if i was in it...)where we were safe and laughing and young again....and then, my cell phone rang..."mom, i think we did something really bad.." really bad? is the house on fire? did they drive the car through the garage? did ari invite a woman over? my stomach was beginning to churn "honey, what is it? is everything ok?" "mom, i think there is something wrong with the pasta has things in it supposed to have things in it?"

and then, the cocoon was ripped open, and i was back to being 39, with aches and pains, and bald spots from wear i have been pulling the gray hairs out of my head...and the doors to my delorean(refer to previous back-to-the future reference...) closed and all was back to normal.....

happy birthday susie....

Happy Sunday

Friday, April 16, 2010

friday, april 16, 2010

the happiest places on earth.....

what is a utopia? a perfect place. a happy place. what is your utopia? Some say, that Disney world is the happiest place on earth(though i am pretty sure that is just a marketing campaign)-how is that possible when you go there with your screaming, whiny children "i want ice cream with the ears" "why are the lines so long" "mickey is scaring me..." happiest place on earth-really? they had a series of commercials when the "older"parents are having a great time, where? in disney world. why? because they are there ALONE.....enough said.

what is my utopia? costco. why? you could live there. they sell underwear, toothpaste, peanut m&m's, diet soda, fruits and vegetables(had to put that in for my skinny friends, who needs fruits and vegetables when they have serious.) and yesterday, when i walked in...they were selling JEWELRY....i kid you not. Of course, they were selling it with the "buy your mom something nice for mother's day.." catch...i had to take a look. Some nice things, but fair to poor overall(sorry, ari, i guess you won't be not-buying me a gift from costco this year....) they have bathrooms, heating equipment to warm up your food, sports equipment, outdoor furniture(though you never have to go outdoors) books, a bakery.....utopia.

but what has made it even better, is the improved kosher section. two boxes of amnons pizza for 15 dollars. heaven. 18 pizza bagels for 5 dollars. even better. my brother has been raving about the kosher line of meat they have now, so i decided to take a gander....

lots of meat, really good prices, but there seems to be a catch...i am pretty sure that i heard the 20 dollar roast(you read correctly, 20 dollars-not 74....)mooing. that is right, it was still mooing. i could even hear it's mom crying in the background. apparently, we (or I) have become accustom to buying meat that looks, well, dead. This meat just looked either fresher, or not as clean..too much red liquid swimming about(sorry for the gross visual) And, i couldn't bring myself to only spend 20 dollars on a just seemed wrong somehow.....what would i do with the money i saved? i just got a new pocketbook and if i bought myself another one, ari might have a nervous breakdown...

so the next time you are feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, think of your utopia and zone in on that happy place....whether it's a quiet bathroom or a field of sunflowers, a candy store or a beach...everyone deserves to have a place to escape to... (and hopefully, there won't be any mooing in the background-unless that is your thing..not my business...)

happy friday

Thursday, April 15, 2010

thursday, april 15, 2010

someone's got to be the bad guy....

though i said i wouldn't write about this topic, i am still going to. what it is with parents exposing their sick kids to the healthy ones? last night, we had a playoff hockey game, and one of our best players showed up, with malaria. Ok, he didn't have malaria, but the kid had fever for the past four days, was coughing up a lung and missed school for two days(including the day he showed up for our game.) the kid looked terrible, and, unfortunately, was also playing not-up-to-par...the kid was telling me how he didn't feel well, and how he couldn't play and i asked him why he was there and he said "my mom said i should come." here we go...banji big mouth turns to the mom and says "why is he here?" "well," she responded, "if he wasn't here, we might lose." and i say "ok, but he looks like he is going to die...." this did not bode well with the mom and then the two genius physicians sitting behind me(and they know who they are) were saying "be a man, suck it up, you can do it..." men are so stupid.

so we lost the game,despite the mom's best intentions, but it was close and it was intense and i hope the kid feels better today. so the other moms are listening to me talk to the sick kid's mom, but NO ONE else will say a word-was it because they were on the opposing team? possibly, but if i have to be the one to open up my mouth and say what others are thinking...i will do it, because that is the selfless kind of person i am...

this also happened the week of the infamous power outage, when my other son had a game...we get to tabc, and i see one of his team mates not in uniform.."why aren't you playing" i ask innocently "well, i have been throwing up all day..." great..."who brought you here?" i ask, innocently, again "my dad" we go....i go over to the dad and say "dude, do ya think you could take your kid home? none of us have power and i don't need my kids puking in the dark.." he wasn't too pleased with me (surprise surprise)but, he did take his kid home. (now you know that if the mom was there, it would have been an entirely different story...) so after vomit boy left, another parent comes over to me and says "you did the right thing.." that was helpful when i was yelling at vomit boy's dad....

so there you have it....sometimes, i choose to use my lack of editing mechanism to help the greater good and to keep our healthy children from ending up in quarantine.... tomorrow, i will be discussing the joys of costco....

happy thurday

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

wednesday, april 14, 2010

like it was yesterday....

tomorrow, my friend annie is going to be 40 years old. annie was one of my best friends in elementary school and all through high school, and though we aren't in touch as much lately, she is just one of those friends that will always be special to me. but, how did our friendship begin? i remember it like it was yesterday...let's all flashback to 1978......

annie was having a birthday party, i seem to recall that she was new to yavneh and somehow i bullied my way into being invited to the party. (me- a bully? can you imagine?) annie was different from the other kids in that her mom dressed her head to toe in ralph lauren and sent her to school with healthy snacks like corn nuts and sea weed crackers (that i am sure i would steal/borrow from her lunch box) anyway i remember being so excited that i got invited to annie's party because she lived in kinnelon near the WOODS! we all thought that was really glamorous. annie's dad told us to go to sleep early because he wanted us up early to take us on a hike. and wake up early we did-annie's parents were not to happy about that, and i still remember my friend beth saying that she was going to keep her socks on when she went back to sleep. how do i remember that? is was 32 years ago.....but some things from your childhood you never forget. like when annie would flip her long blonde hair over her face, put on her glasses and say she was cousin it from the adams family(which is now on broadway-of course it is, it was popular when i was younger and now it has come back to haunt us again....) like at my 13 year old birthday sleepover when annie and our friend vicki decided they were going to sleep in the bath the year we were in 6th grade at yavneh and mr hooper from sesame street died, along with brezhnev(how do you spell that name? russsian president-anyone?)and we made a memorial by one of the trees in the playground....our first day of 7th grade when all of the girls decided to wear bras for the first time....except for one, who told us she wasn't wearing one, but really was underneath a camisole(men-you will have to ask your significant others what a camisole is....)like it was yesterday.

and now, back in the present, i am just months away from my son graduating elementary school....i just graduated elementary school!! ok, this is getting a little depressing-i never know where my random thoughts will take they are now taking me here-annie, if you are reading this, i wish you a very very happy birthday. you still look exactly as you did the day we met (blonde hair and all.....) and i am still 4 times your size, and that is ok...nothing like having a best friend that you can put in your pocket....

happy wednesday

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

tuesday, april 13, 2010


i am grateful for every morning, purely because it means i am still alive, but morning is also symbolic of a new day...a new chance to be kind to people, to eat right, to breathe in the fresh air and not to scream at my kids...i have a friend who wakes up at 5:30 every morning-she doesn't need to be up that early, but she does it anyway, that, to me, is a little extreme...i have found that waking up at 6:50 has been just the perfect time. i can do what i need to do(if the grapefruit worked) check my e mails (still waiting for oprah to read my blog) make the kids their healthy snacks(where did i put those cheese curls) and prepare myself for the "waking of the boys."

since ari and i both contributed to their dna, the "waking of the boys" can go one of two ways....sweet and adorable ari way, or scary-moody banji way...and i never know which way it will go. it doesn't matter whose team was victorious the night before, who went to sleep at a reasonable hour-there is no rhyme or every morning, i proceed with caution. I put on my lion tamer costume and go into their rooms with a whip and a chair, just in case...and see how it goes.

this morning was a good son was showered and dressed and waiting for me with a smile (well, sort of a smile anyway) one son was thrilled to wake up and the son #3 did not even scream at me when i told him that he had to redo 1 question on his homework....everyone got dressed, had a healthy breakfast(said with sarcasm) and we walked to the bus...and there was my mistake "why are we walking when everyone else is driving?" i tried the whole "god gave you feet so you could walk..blah blah blah" but it was ok because all the of kids at the corner were happy to see eachother...

so i wish all of you a wonderful day filled with only sweet adorable ari behavior and not scary moody banji behavior...

happy tuesday

Monday, April 12, 2010

monday, april 12, 2010

another sign you are getting old....

when you live in a community such as the one that i do, you can actually see yourself buy your first house(and in my case, my only house...)and move in with a baby or two...which basically means that you don't appreciate that you live in a house because you are so freakin tired all the time. you invest your precious energy in finding playgroups and art classes and gym classes and cooking classes for your adorable little drooling kids that can't even poop in a toilet yet...shlepping them from class to class, making sure their days are scheduled-house shmouse-all you really want to do is take a nap. between changing diapers and cleaning their high could be living on the space shuttle and it wouldn't really matter...

and then, your kids get a little older and they go to OTHER PEOPLE'S houses for playdates and you get to take a nap on saturday afternoon-not a long one, and maybe not even one that involves actual sleep (get your minds out of the gutter...)but you get a solid hour or two of quiet and calm...gee, not so bad, but, at this point, you might still be pregnant or thinking of having another one because hey, when the kids are at a playdate, it's kind of manageable(this is where it goes awry for another few years...)

so your kids now can all be out of the house on a saturday afternoon(but still aren't old enough to drive and you still aren't entirely gray/fat/and/or bald) but there are no more strollers or diapers or high chairs or annoying toys that speak or cry or move with a remote control...your family room is actually used for guests and not to house a pack n play or a lego kingdom or a ridiculous ball pit that i must admit to having when we first moved in....

but when you see that you are older, is when you walk into your local(and favorite)bagel store(that also has TCBY) and all of a sudden, a stream of 10 very, very, very young women walk in with strollers and you look at them like they are all crazy...(and they aren't even the babysitters, they are the actual mothers...) you look at your friend and say "thank god that isn't me anymore..." wait a second, that isn't me anymore....holy crap i am really going to be 40!! i am really not having any more babies!!! i am really going to have 4 weeks of peace and quiet(well, exept for ari) in less than 80 days when camp starts!!! where did the time go?

once in a while, when ari and i are walking ALONE on a shabbos afternoon, our "young friends" will stop us and say "how do you not have any kids with you? will we every be able to be like you and not have any kids with us?" we look at them and say "kids, when you are our age, you too, will be able to walk only means that you are getting older...."

sad, but true....oy freakin vey...

on that note...Happy Monday!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

sunday, april 11, 2010

time keeps on ticking...

i am the daughter of an obgyn. no, my father didn't deliver me(gross) but i did use his practice. I was able to diagnose a urinary tract infection at a very young age(keep drinking that cranberry juice ladies, and don't forget to do those kegels!!) In the early years of my dad's practice, he was on call every other night and the phone would ring at all hours...and though he was never a morning person(and still isn't) he would always jump out of bed, deliver a baby or two (or three)and come home with a smile on his face. when we would be out together, in supermarkets or the mall, women would come over to him and gush "dr.latkin, it is so wonderful to see you" and then, she would point to her baby, or toddler or kid and say "this is shaniqua (insert the name you like here, i happen to like shaniqua) you delivered her...say hi to dr. latkin shaniqua" and the little girl/boy/whatever would say a shy hello and off they would go.

I always thought it was so creepy that these women would approach my dad, that is until years later when his partner delivered my kids and i would be just as gushy to them when I saw them in public....i guess any person that can extract a child from your innards is a hero...(though i have a certain affection for the anesthesiologist who found that teeny tiny spot on my very very large back to inject the nectar of the gods into my spine....ahhhh...the joys of an epidural).

so tomorrow night, my dad, along with some other physicians, are being recognized at a dinner for those retiring from valley hospital in ridgewood, NJ. i can't even believe almost 40 years have gone by since my dad started delivering babies there and i am so proud of the amazing career that he had and continues to have.

now, one would think that my dad reads my blog and that is why i have chosen to write about him. but, he doesn't. it isn't because he doesn't love me, it's because "blog, shmog, i am not into reading blogs" (almost an exact quote and he doesn't have time to read blogs because he is too busy reading the 5 or 6 novels that he leaves by his bed, by the couch, in the kitchen, in the car, in the trunk of the car etc, etc, etc) but that is ok. i am still his biggest fan.

hope you all had a great weekend and saw my crazy brother on page 21 of this week's sports illustrated...

happy sunday

Friday, April 9, 2010

friday, april 9, 2010

oh brother....

sometimes i have some issues with being religious...because if you sit down and look at what you are doing and why you are doing it...the whole thing seems a little crazy. forget about the 5 different rabbinical opinions you can get on using a warming drawer, or the "rabbinical certification" that comes with an oven that has sabbath mode(are ya kidding me??), the whole putting up and taking down the sukkah-how does that tie in with shalom bayit exactly when the whole neighborhood can hear me yelling at ari? or this whole passover thing that we just experienced-seriously? am i really going to hell because i forgot to turn off the light in the refrigerator?(perhaps i will save another blog for all of the reasons that i am going to hell that have nothing at all to do with the refrigerator!)

i know it is all faith based-if one has faith and believes in god, there is no questioning of all this other nonsense-it is what it is....that is just great....but then, if we aren't a religion filled with superstitions, and we shouldn't read horoscopes because it is a form of idol worship(is that really true or did ari just tell me that because he doesn't like me finding out that "true love will find you this month where you least expect it"?) if we are just supposed to believe in god and follow the torah, why, oh why, are religious women all across the modern orthodox land, canada and israel, why are we all baking challah with a key in it this shabbos?? is it really going to bring us good financial fortune? isn't that a tad superstitious? and if it doesn't work, who do i take that up with exactly? the scholarship committee and my kids school? the local rabbinical court?

in any case, for those of you who are making the "key challah", i wish you a year filled with good health, good wealth and good luck....

happy friday

Thursday, April 8, 2010

thursday, april 8, 2010


as baseball season approches dads are getting excited to watch their kids play, kids are getting excited about their uniforms, their new cleats, their team mates and moms, well, this mom, in particular, has started to get that feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. Why? so glad you asked....sure i am looking forward to beaming with pride as my boys strike out or miss an easy pop-up in the field, sure i can't wait to stand out in the pouring rain until the 12 year old, obnoxious umpire decides that since a boat is now rowing across the field it is time to call the game, sure i can't wait to make small talk with other parents that i successfully avoid all year....

now, i can do more than 2 things at once, no problem...i can cook 4 different dinners at the same time, while vacuuming, folding laundry and lying to telemarketers...but i, cannot, repeat, CAN NOT, no matter how big i might be, be in two different fields at the same time.. I just can't do it-and i have tried. it doesn't work. I am convinced that when the baseball leagues sits down to do their schedules, they first check to see who has more than 1 kid playing baseball and then they throw back a few shots of scotch and get to can we take a family that has 3 kids playing baseball and make all of their games at the same time at different fields that are no where near eachother?? (insert wicked laugh here.....) i know they work hard, trust me, i have been on the board and i know what goes into the scheduling...but i still think they have secret "screw the fertile parent", this hasn't been confirmed, so i won't go spreading any rumors....

but, my favorite part of baseball season already came and went...let's call it "the finding of the cleats." without mentioning any names, i tell one of my boys he has practice...i tell him this everyday for 6 have practice on sunday at 10, you have practice on sunday at 10, you have practice on sunday at 10....well wouldn't you know it, it's sunday at 9:58 "i cant find my cleats, where are my cleats? why didn't you take out my cleats..." so i come fluttering down the stairs, with my hair neatly in a headband and my floral apron flowing behind my and i gently say, in a sing-song voice "WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO FIND YOUR GODAM CLEATS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

find 3 pairs, all are too small...has to go to practice in sneakers and yes, it is all my fault. but now that is past us and we can begin the season on a hopeful note (even though the mets have already lost a game....)

happy thursday

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

wednesday, april 7, 2010

the mysteries of life....

i would like to start out this entry,with a TMI statement (too much information), by thanking the grapefruit for making this passover holiday so regular and enjoyable for me. as a woman who is getting up in the years, anything that can help her gastrointestinal system work just a little better, deserves both praise and, again, to the grapefruit (pink, to be specific, with just a little sweet and low on it to make it a little less healthy) i thank you.

onto more important things....i had the pleasure of spending some quality time with some young women who made me feel younger-until, they started talking about various issues like the kiki-riki. what is a kiki-riki? i was stumped....apparently, it is a very tight long sleeved t shirt that religious girls wear under non-modest apparel (low cut jumpers, sleeveless dresses...etc.) but, there is a catch...if your arms are too fat, the kiki-rikis exagerrate this sensitive issue and you can end up looking like the sta-puf marshmallow man(yes, another 80's reference...ghostbusters, for those of you who were born in the 80's and have no idea what i am talking about ...though, if you see a picture of me in my wedding dress, the same visual of a giant, white marshmallow, might come to mind) so this kiki riki thing had me thinking...if these girls are so religious, why are they buying immodest clothing to begin with, if they are going to end up wearing an immodest tight tshirt underneath those said clothing? why aren't they just flocking to monsey to buy the fashionable tights with seams and shirts that are reminiscent of potato sacks? i have no idea...and since i have boys, who i hope will never ask me for a isn't really my problem...but good luck to you ladies...

another problem with getting today is wednesday, but it feels like monday, but the kids are off from school, so it actually feels like sunday, but tomorrow is thursday, but the kids go back to school so it will feel like a monday, but then it will be friday and i have to get ready for the sabbath and....well, it is all a little much for me to handle. basically, i will write wednesday on a post it and walk around with it stuck to my head so i will remember the so sad.

hope you all enjoyed the holiday

happy wednesday

Friday, April 2, 2010

friday, april 2, 2010..6 months and 29 days til.......

passover..then and now....

for the passover seasons of 1993 and 1994 my parents took us to miami beach-the singles passover capital of the world....after all, chubby banji was still single and perhaps her parents were getting a bit nervous that she would be eating them out of house and home for too many years to come, so it was time to be proactive and find banji a husband....(though, her husband was not in miami beach, he was in netanya with his parents in the apartment that they sold right after his honeymoon-but that story, is for another blog...)

so the latkins were going to miami....the stress involved was tremendous. how were we suppposed to get all of those outfits, on a plane, without bringing the plane down? now for those of you who know my mother, it was a lot more difficult for her to pack...the accessories...the hats....the comfortable, yet very unstylish was a feat. how my parents managed to stay married during those packing sessions is still beyond me....but for me...i HATE shopping....i HATE was torture. Almost as torturous as walking up and down that godam boardwalk scoping out prospects and thinking "crap, i may just be single forever...."

but there i was...9 days, 3 outfits a day....a smile on my face and a spring in my step. i mostly enjoyed sitting in the lobby watching the people whose outfits cost more than a week at the hotel..their faces so heavily made up, they didn't even move (and this was before botox...those same people, now get botox....because it is 17 years later) those passovers were quite amusing(and if i knew my kids' friends wouldn't be reading this, i would tell you some really good stories...oh well...)

passover today....
thank god for my jean skirt and old navy hoodie....i can just wear that the whole week! thank god i have boys because i never have to take them shopping! i am so happy to be in my house and not have to talk to a soul-NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY!!! it is totally awesome!!
who cares if i have already made 35 pieces of matza pizza...6 dozen eggs in various forms...who knows how many mashed potatoes- i never ever have to change my outfit or my shoes!!!

and the only shopping i did was to buy myself the michael kors pocketbook that i have been eyeing all season-400 dollar bag for 150 dollars...because as every woman knows...pocketbooks and jewelry always fit..(wish ari would appreciate that logic...)

so enjoy the rest of your passover...wherever you are and whatever you are doing...

Happy Friday

Thursday, April 1, 2010

thursday, april 1, 2010

april fools.....

passover questions you don't ask at the seder....

if i leave the leftover charoset in my refrigerator until the holiday is over, will it actually turn into mortar?

if my kids only eat dixie cups for 8 days, is that considered healthy?

how much matzo does it take to clog a toilet?

why do jews travel in packs and invade every park/zoo/ferry on chol hamoed?

why do food companies sell things labeled "couscous" and "farfel" when they should be labeled "little round balls of matza" and "broken pieces of matza?"

how much cream cheese on matza is too much?

why are the previously mentioned dixie cups 8 dollars for 12 during passover, but only 2 dollars for 12 during the rest of the year?

how come cereal and flour are always on sale during the week of passover?

why does my husband think that ice isn't kosher for passover when water is?

why is is that my kids know that the cabinets with ribbons on them are for passover use, but their father doesn't?

why do jews ask so many annoying questions?

happy thursday....