Wednesday, March 24, 2010

wednesday march 24,2010

running away from home.....

when i was little, ok, i was never little, when i was younger I ran away from home. I was about 8 years old and i had just had it between my mom and my older sister always ganging up on me-i was leaving. so i packed my bag and left....and ended up in my next door neighbor's backyard where i hid next to the fence so no one would see me. A few hours had gone by (I was 8, so it was probably 20 minutes) and i hear my dad come outside and start yelling my name "Banji, where are you?"....a few minutes after that my mom came outside to tell my dad that she was going to play tennis and she had no patience to look for me... nice, right?

So, i think that i have finally gotten over the fact that my mom was not concerned that i had left home-now, was she really not concerned? or, did she know that i was safe and only a few feet away...frankly, I am afraid to ask her that question, even all of these years laters for many reasons 1. she probably forgot the entire incident and 2. she might tell me it was because I drove her crazy and she really didn't care where i was as long as i wasn't bothering her....(those are the only two i could come up bad) I have blocked out most of the incidents involving my persecution as the pudgy, under-achieving, middle child....because if i didn't, I would be a total basket case, instead of just a partial one....but this one, this one of actually leaving my house to find a better life, this one, i remember...and I remember which parent made the effort to find me(no offense mom, i do love you and will take care of you when you forget to leave the house without any accessories on....)

So this incident made me think about the fact that my son recently(two days ago)told me that I am cranky all the time. I am hoping that he will maybe forget about that when he gets older and will only remember me more as the funny-mom instead of the scary-cranky mom. After all, I am not cranky all the time-last week was a really long long week-we were all out of sorts with no power, moving into the witness relocation program in Fair Lawn...there was a lot going on. I had every right to be cranky. But, it still hurt my feelings when he pulled me aside and told me that it upsets him. So, we made a deal. If i am not cranky for the whole week, he has to give his brother(who he tortures on a daily basis...but in a good, kind way..) a hug. Just a simple hug. Now, it may surprise some of you to know(ok, it will surpise all of you)that i have not been cranky for almost two whole days. It is taking all of the will power i have, but the drugs have helped, and i am making a concerted effort to stick to the deal. (knowing, there is NO WAY he will keep his end of the bargain, but a mom can dream...)

I don't want my kids to look back at their childhood and only remember scary-mom....but compared to some other moms, I am so NOT scary!! i want them to remember their crazy-fun mom....the mom who lets them watch tv and play video games during the week (gasp!) the mom whose idea of healthy snack is fruit by the foot (gasp!) the mom who lets them stay up as late as they want because she is just to tired to argue (gasp gasp gasp...)

Truthfully, I just don't want them to leave me in a nursing home in minnesota..who am i kidding.

Happy Wednesday

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