the new and improved marriage blessings.
when i was a senior in stern college for women and others, i wrote an article for the school paper entitled "marriage the final solution" about how kids are getting married too young...the divorce rate is high...the rabbis encourage the kids because "god will provide" (who knew god had a credit card and took you away for pesach...)anyway.. i recently heard that rabbi rakafet(dont know who he is, not up to speed on my rabbis...)has been quoting the article. don't know what he has been saying or why, but i felt bad that the guy needed material.
this past weekend, we celebrated the forthcoming(upcoming?) marriage of two young adults from the community, who have been neighbors for 16 years, have been dating for many of those years and they are finally getting married (thank god) next week. it got me thinking about the whole marriage ceremony....7 relatives/rabbis/teachers/former housekeepers get up before the couple and each recites a blessing-7 in total. i have no idea what they mean, when i got married, i really didn't care, but now, after 15 years of being married, i would like to initiate a change in the whole process. With that said, i am suggesting the following seven blessings that the man(boy) should say at the ceremony and the seven blessing that the woman(girl)should say. I know that orthodoxy is not an equal opportunity religion, but i am going for it anyway....and so we begin...
FOR THE MAN/BOY
Dear god up in heaven, please let the girl that i am marrying always maintain her current figure and not morph into a big round ball of jelly. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let the girl i am marrying never yell at me or call me a moron. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let my in laws either a. always like as much as they do today or b. move far far away. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let my future wife always be in the mood and never be tired, have headaches, be worrying about the kids walking in or be able to come up with any other excuse. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let me always provide for my wife in the way she thinks i have any clue how to...ie, flowers, jewelry, people magazine, food, clothes, expensive vacations,etc..amen
dear god up in heaven, please give us the blessing of healthy children that will always take my side. amen
dear god up in heaven,please give me the good health to fend of my wife when she tries to kill me with a sledgehammer. amen
FOR THE WOMAN/GIRL
dear god up in heaven, please let me always see my husband as he is today, handsome and sexy...and not how he will be in a few years-hair coming out of every orifice, smelly and annoying. amen
dear god up in heaven, please grant my future husband the brains to know that he has to continue wooing me until the day he dies or i will never be in the mood after we have children. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let my mother in law know that she is no longer her son's favorite and then have my in laws move far far away. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let my future husband know how to read directions, never get lost and always have a wad of cash that i can take from his wallet. amen
dear god up in heaven, please let my future husband always put me first, put me on a pedestal and realize that if he doesnt, his life will be made miserable because he sold me a bill of goods to get me to agree to marry him in the first place. amen
dear god up in heaven, please bless us with healthy children that will always side with me, amen (yes, i know its the same one for the men....but sometimes, we really do want the same thing!)
dear god up in heaven, please grant me the good health to put up with the man that my husband turned in and learn how to hide the evidence quickly and with the bringing of moshiach....amen.