Life isn't fair for many reasons. People get sick, people die, people get fat, people get thin and then they get fat again...the fairness isn't in any specific order, though, this year, I wore by biggest loser sweatshirt because I weigh enough this purim to qualify to be on the show...wish I was kidding. All those godam butterfingers aren't helping. My son, the non anorexic anorexic told me i should drink tea and eat bagels and vegetables and then I will be down to my bar mitzva ready weight (which is still not so ready...) It is interesting living in a house with skinny boys as opposed to skinny girls....boys think of food as sustenance, while girls think of food as the enemy. Well, except for this girl...hence the dilemmas...
Anyway, back to purim. It was a lovely day. Had my family over for seuda while my brother was on the phone for the two hours he was here. I got to bond with my niece and nephew who are going to be camping out here for a few days. Watching them at this age has got to be easier than when they were 7 months old...that was an experience...how can two babies be soo cute and soo not willing to sleep. But now, they are almost 5, which is like they are almost in college, so it should be a piece of cake(which is not on the diet that skinny son #1 has put me on...) I am just excited to have another girl in the house that I can say "see, aren't they so mean to me?" ....that's all i want, some validation...and I am sure I will get that from a five year old girl...with the right accessories, of course.
In any event husband #1 got to woo the ladies with his super fast megillah reading...16 1/2 minutes, baby...now that is a turn on. Which quickly get turned off when we get back home and he tells me that verizon technical service is closed on sunday and it turns out that it is actually open 24/7 and I had to run home from my walk because Luke from the phillipines needed me to check out my modem...like I know what that means....I asked Luke if he has ever heard a wife kill her husband before and he said "no maam, that would be a first for me too.." ahh poor Luke, got crazy butterfinger filled Banji on the phone and now his life will never be the same. Long story short, new router is in the mail, bag of candy is ready for husband #1's office and the oscars begin very soon....
I hope you all had a wonderful purim and that your life is like a perfect shaloch manot, filled with many things that make you happy....
Happy Sunday
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Yogi Bear
I did it. I went to shalom yoga. My motivation was to support my friend, so my intentions were pure. But in the back of my mind i was thinking "how can I do yoga when my favorite position is the 'screaming mom'?" I am not flexible(insert lewd comment here) I have a hard time relaxing(insert lewd comment here) and the thought of spending 45 minutes in a calm, non-stress inducing environment was, well, stressful.
But I went with my purple yoga mat, courtesy of the yeshivas noyam golf and tennis outing from three years ago, I went by myself because I am a big girl(and my friend who was supposed to come with me had to do carpool) and I was ready to face the challenge. I must admit, the yoga teacher was fabulous. She had me breathing and relaxing and pretending to be a tree and a warrior and a big fluffy cloud-the cloud, i had no problem with, the tree and warrior was another story...and every time she said "there is no judgement here only love" i smiled and took a deep breath-and tried not to fall on my bedonkadonk.. But I was also thinking that there should be more poses that relate to real life...like, if there was an all mens yoga class, is there "watching tv with my hands down my pants pose?" is there a "I have no idea what you want from me?" pose...you get the point...
I have heard that yoga is all about meditating and finding inner peace..so perhaps I should not have said that I felt like I was doing the hokey pokey, perhaps I should have kept my self deprecating comments to myself, but, being the egomaniac that I am, it had to be all about me, and i had to make the others laugh. Whether it was at me or with me is another story. But when i was lying on my mat in the lox pose(im not sure what it was actually called, I heard lox, thought about bagels and I was off to the races) and the teacher was telling us to relax and think about a beach and the sky...I opened my eyes after a few minutes and had no idea where I was...so that is either a good thing or the lavendar she had us smell was drugged...
Though, when all is said and done...I will be going back next week..hope some of you will join me!
Happy Wednesday
But I went with my purple yoga mat, courtesy of the yeshivas noyam golf and tennis outing from three years ago, I went by myself because I am a big girl(and my friend who was supposed to come with me had to do carpool) and I was ready to face the challenge. I must admit, the yoga teacher was fabulous. She had me breathing and relaxing and pretending to be a tree and a warrior and a big fluffy cloud-the cloud, i had no problem with, the tree and warrior was another story...and every time she said "there is no judgement here only love" i smiled and took a deep breath-and tried not to fall on my bedonkadonk.. But I was also thinking that there should be more poses that relate to real life...like, if there was an all mens yoga class, is there "watching tv with my hands down my pants pose?" is there a "I have no idea what you want from me?" pose...you get the point...
I have heard that yoga is all about meditating and finding inner peace..so perhaps I should not have said that I felt like I was doing the hokey pokey, perhaps I should have kept my self deprecating comments to myself, but, being the egomaniac that I am, it had to be all about me, and i had to make the others laugh. Whether it was at me or with me is another story. But when i was lying on my mat in the lox pose(im not sure what it was actually called, I heard lox, thought about bagels and I was off to the races) and the teacher was telling us to relax and think about a beach and the sky...I opened my eyes after a few minutes and had no idea where I was...so that is either a good thing or the lavendar she had us smell was drugged...
Though, when all is said and done...I will be going back next week..hope some of you will join me!
Happy Wednesday
Monday, February 11, 2013
which one am I.....
Last night I attended a beautiful simcha. A wedding of two Teaneck people, set up by Teaneck people, everyone was thin enough to pull off the white dresses, food was good, my table was awesome...all was right with the universe. While observing the dancing(because since my vertigo, the whole round and round thing makes me dizzy) someone came up to me and asked who she should be relating to at the wedding..to sort of quote her "I haven't made any bar or bat mitzvahs yet, so do I still relate to the bride? the bride's mom? Who can I still associate with?"
Ahh, my dear, sweet, young friend..here is my take on that...I, female, fat and forty, can no longer relate to the bride. For many reasons..too young, too thin, too optimistic, too in love, too giggley...too bouncy without jiggling...catch my drift? If I could do it all over again, would I? Of course, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have my boys...and if I didn't have my boys, when I came home last night, I would not have had the extreme joy of watching son #1 bake his own snickerdoodles. That's right folks, the messiah is just a wee bit closer to coming because someone in my house with actual testicles(not the ones that have grown on me by osmosis) baked something. A miracle. A joy. Getting back on topic, no, I can no longer relate to the bride.
The bride's mom. No, I cannot relate to her either because I will never be the bride's mom. I will be the well groomed(on that day anyway) piece of wallpaper that stands in the background with the tears streaming down her face as her son begins his life with his new best friend...I will be the woman handing out the jewelry and babysitting whenever asked and cooking whenever asked and keeping my mouth shut whenever asked(thank god for pharmacuticals...) you get the picture. Can't be bride's mom.
So who can I relate to at these simchas?..the fat single girls saying tehillim with such fervor that they look like they will take off from their chairs? The women wearing orthopedic dancing shoes? The bartenders? Truth be told, as I start preparing to make my last bar mitzvah, I just enjoy being a guest, listening to good music, drinking gin and tonics, hanging out with friends, and laughing as I watch the young couple and their friends dancing and screaming, filled with high hopes and dreams for their futures...and I pray those are all fulfilled.
May we only know from simchas, people. Amen.
Happy Monday
Ahh, my dear, sweet, young friend..here is my take on that...I, female, fat and forty, can no longer relate to the bride. For many reasons..too young, too thin, too optimistic, too in love, too giggley...too bouncy without jiggling...catch my drift? If I could do it all over again, would I? Of course, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have my boys...and if I didn't have my boys, when I came home last night, I would not have had the extreme joy of watching son #1 bake his own snickerdoodles. That's right folks, the messiah is just a wee bit closer to coming because someone in my house with actual testicles(not the ones that have grown on me by osmosis) baked something. A miracle. A joy. Getting back on topic, no, I can no longer relate to the bride.
The bride's mom. No, I cannot relate to her either because I will never be the bride's mom. I will be the well groomed(on that day anyway) piece of wallpaper that stands in the background with the tears streaming down her face as her son begins his life with his new best friend...I will be the woman handing out the jewelry and babysitting whenever asked and cooking whenever asked and keeping my mouth shut whenever asked(thank god for pharmacuticals...) you get the picture. Can't be bride's mom.
So who can I relate to at these simchas?..the fat single girls saying tehillim with such fervor that they look like they will take off from their chairs? The women wearing orthopedic dancing shoes? The bartenders? Truth be told, as I start preparing to make my last bar mitzvah, I just enjoy being a guest, listening to good music, drinking gin and tonics, hanging out with friends, and laughing as I watch the young couple and their friends dancing and screaming, filled with high hopes and dreams for their futures...and I pray those are all fulfilled.
May we only know from simchas, people. Amen.
Happy Monday
Thursday, January 17, 2013
And then there was Willis...
Part of turning 40 has re-emphasized the phrase "life is short." Every time something hurts or I don't feel right, I consult my medical team on google to try and determine which ailment is going to get me this week. This is not always the smartest thing to do, but it makes me feel that I am being proactive. When I heard the news that Mr. Drummond, from Different Strokes fame, had died, a show that was on when I was a kid, the first words out of my mouth were "Willis is the only one left!" After pausing a moment, and checking google for symptoms of chest pains and dry mouth, I then recalled that I think Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life was still alive(and I believe she worked for the Drummonds..), but I wasn't really sure and I didn't want to check because then that would be really depressing. It's like watching reruns of the Odd Couple (which I did all day, new years day, man that show is still funny). The Odd Couple is dead. That is just so sad.
The reality is, some of these folk were in their late 80's and 90's, which, of course, isn't old if you are say 86, but, unfortunately, there are some who died way too young. OK, this is getting depressing. As long as my girls Blair, Jo, Tootie...are still ok, and i hope that they are..I can continue on.
Here is wishing those of you who are going away a safe and wonderful trip, those of you who are staying home a safe and wonderful stacation and good health and peace to all. And, just as a side point, it really does take "different strokes to rule the world, yes it does..."
Happy Thursday
For those of you too young or too old not to catch the tv references...google them...:)
The reality is, some of these folk were in their late 80's and 90's, which, of course, isn't old if you are say 86, but, unfortunately, there are some who died way too young. OK, this is getting depressing. As long as my girls Blair, Jo, Tootie...are still ok, and i hope that they are..I can continue on.
Here is wishing those of you who are going away a safe and wonderful trip, those of you who are staying home a safe and wonderful stacation and good health and peace to all. And, just as a side point, it really does take "different strokes to rule the world, yes it does..."
Happy Thursday
For those of you too young or too old not to catch the tv references...google them...:)
Monday, January 7, 2013
happiness is named Omar
Due to a good friend of mine who wanted me to join her in "latin Funk" class at The Gym(insert evil sounding music here) I went back to the scene of the crime...the building full of skinny people. Surprisingly, I was warmly greeted by many of my smaller friends(cause every girl is happy when there is someone fatter than them in the same room...unfortunately for me, that doesn't happen at The Gym) and my hives subsided quickly.
In walks Omar. This adorable smiling african american cutie patootie who has the most adorable bedonkadonk. Today he was wearing white boxers, in the past, he has worn plaid. But whatever color they are, they make me smile. Because Omar makes me smile. As he plays his "latin funk" music, which is usually in some form of spanish, he sings along to all of the songs and does moves that husband #1 has yet to learn...and it all makes me happy. He breaks into these epileptic seizures of pirouttes and leaps and jumps and I stand there in awe of his energy and enthusiasm. Due to my self imposed anxiety, the last couple of weeks have wreaked havoc on my body, my will power and my ability to relax. In 50 minutes, Omar managed to loosen me up...though, as my friend can attest, I was not loose enough to shimmy my shoulders(though, because of gravity and my age and my lack of will power, other parts of me shimmy without my wanting them to...) He exudes this happiness that makes me ask "what is he on, and how can I get me some of that?"
So my new years resolution is to be like Omar. I have no idea how I am going to do that, but it is more realistic then saying my resolution is going to be going back to The Gym....unless, of course, my friend will take me again....
Happy Monday
In walks Omar. This adorable smiling african american cutie patootie who has the most adorable bedonkadonk. Today he was wearing white boxers, in the past, he has worn plaid. But whatever color they are, they make me smile. Because Omar makes me smile. As he plays his "latin funk" music, which is usually in some form of spanish, he sings along to all of the songs and does moves that husband #1 has yet to learn...and it all makes me happy. He breaks into these epileptic seizures of pirouttes and leaps and jumps and I stand there in awe of his energy and enthusiasm. Due to my self imposed anxiety, the last couple of weeks have wreaked havoc on my body, my will power and my ability to relax. In 50 minutes, Omar managed to loosen me up...though, as my friend can attest, I was not loose enough to shimmy my shoulders(though, because of gravity and my age and my lack of will power, other parts of me shimmy without my wanting them to...) He exudes this happiness that makes me ask "what is he on, and how can I get me some of that?"
So my new years resolution is to be like Omar. I have no idea how I am going to do that, but it is more realistic then saying my resolution is going to be going back to The Gym....unless, of course, my friend will take me again....
Happy Monday
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Happy Freaking New Year!
I can't believe another year has gone by. And what a year it has been. Son#1 got to meet Adrian Peterson(vikings), son #2 got to meet Steve Jackson(rams), son #3 started learning for his bar mitzva and husband #1 figured out how to connect over 200 feet of extension cord to our neighbors generator.
Yes, it has been quite the year. Another year older, another year less patient and another year closer to having zero editing mechanism like Grandma Sylvia, she should rest in peace. Have I learned anything? hmm, probably not-oh wait, I learned that I cannot change the weather forecast no matter how many times I yell at Lee Goldberg. I learned that driving with son #1 is less stressful if I have taken an ambien first(don't judge me..he is the one driving, not me..)I learned that you cannot stop gray hair from growing, even if you keep pulling them out and I learned that the snickerdoodle recipe on the side of the duncan hines yellow cake mix makes everyone in my house happy-a culinary feat not easily accomplished...(though I am not sure that counts as a culinary feat...)
Every new years eve I think of my friend Deva and the Concord hotel..the band playing, the cocktail party, the champagne, the imperial room..ah, good times. New years eve is different now...I'm going to son #3's hockey game and hoping to stay up past 9:30...but it is all good. We will all be together. I have a bottle of champagne that i will probably end up drinking by myself, in my bunker, while the boys watch ESPN with their father and there is nothing wrong with that. I think...
May 2013(holy crap 2013-seriously?!?!?!) bring us all good health, happiness, wealth, success, safedriving, wonderful vacations, lots and lots of laughter...and all we wish for ourselves and our families. May those we know(and don't know) who suffered terrible losses this year find comfort and peace. And let us say...amen.
Happy New Year and Happy Sunday..man, i can't wait until football season is over so I can get my tv back.....
Yes, it has been quite the year. Another year older, another year less patient and another year closer to having zero editing mechanism like Grandma Sylvia, she should rest in peace. Have I learned anything? hmm, probably not-oh wait, I learned that I cannot change the weather forecast no matter how many times I yell at Lee Goldberg. I learned that driving with son #1 is less stressful if I have taken an ambien first(don't judge me..he is the one driving, not me..)I learned that you cannot stop gray hair from growing, even if you keep pulling them out and I learned that the snickerdoodle recipe on the side of the duncan hines yellow cake mix makes everyone in my house happy-a culinary feat not easily accomplished...(though I am not sure that counts as a culinary feat...)
Every new years eve I think of my friend Deva and the Concord hotel..the band playing, the cocktail party, the champagne, the imperial room..ah, good times. New years eve is different now...I'm going to son #3's hockey game and hoping to stay up past 9:30...but it is all good. We will all be together. I have a bottle of champagne that i will probably end up drinking by myself, in my bunker, while the boys watch ESPN with their father and there is nothing wrong with that. I think...
May 2013(holy crap 2013-seriously?!?!?!) bring us all good health, happiness, wealth, success, safedriving, wonderful vacations, lots and lots of laughter...and all we wish for ourselves and our families. May those we know(and don't know) who suffered terrible losses this year find comfort and peace. And let us say...amen.
Happy New Year and Happy Sunday..man, i can't wait until football season is over so I can get my tv back.....
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
good days and bad days...
During a typical day, we have many emotions. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated, scared..these past few days have been a culmination of all of those. My community has lost two precious young people, Sandy Hook elementary has lost twenty precious souls..grief is not meant to be measured. We all respond differently and in the end, tears are tears. We will never know why bad things happen to good people...we just need to take a deep breath and have faith. Be grateful for the good and not dwell on questions that we cannot answer. Easier said then done.
I must maintain that laughter is the best medicine(well, narcotics are probably the best medicine, and now that medical marijuana is legal, perhaps THAT is the best medicine..but that's for another time.) Husband #1 and I went on a mini-vaca to the windy city this past weekend. It was a much needed reprieve. He even sprung for the 25 dollars it cost to bring a suitcase. Which he needed. For his suit. To wear once. In case the sabbath police came and arrested him for only wearing pants and a shirt to synagogue. I was perfectly fine with my carry on that i had purchased for my trip to Vegas..but i digress. Ladies, what do men pack on a trip? socks, underwear, a shirt, a pair of pants. Men are easy. (though, i did become friends and relatives with a man who wears very lovely socks, so lovely, in fact, that I am thinking of sprucing up husband #1's wardrobe with some..) 15 minutes before candle lighting, I hear screaming in the basement...worried that something mightve happened to husband #1, i rush down the stairs(I really did rush). Looking at me, with sheer terror, he says "I forgot to pack my underwear." Really? you forgot underwear? I did laundry 3 days early so you would have enough underwear and wouldn't have to go into your reserves(yes, he has reserves)(I'm fully aware that I don't work and laundry is what primarily occupies my time, but I never do our laundry that early in the week.) Poor guy. No underwear. What's a kind, compassionate, loving wife to do? Laugh. At him. Laugh a lot. And then go to walgreens to buy him some underwear-so not in the budget after springing for the suitcase. But even though we were staying with people that we love and feel totally comfortable with..you just can't borrow someone else's underwear. I had to tell the lady in walgreens the story...so then we laughed again. Sorry husband #1, it's been a tough week. But thanks for taking me to Chicago...
Happy Tuesday
I must maintain that laughter is the best medicine(well, narcotics are probably the best medicine, and now that medical marijuana is legal, perhaps THAT is the best medicine..but that's for another time.) Husband #1 and I went on a mini-vaca to the windy city this past weekend. It was a much needed reprieve. He even sprung for the 25 dollars it cost to bring a suitcase. Which he needed. For his suit. To wear once. In case the sabbath police came and arrested him for only wearing pants and a shirt to synagogue. I was perfectly fine with my carry on that i had purchased for my trip to Vegas..but i digress. Ladies, what do men pack on a trip? socks, underwear, a shirt, a pair of pants. Men are easy. (though, i did become friends and relatives with a man who wears very lovely socks, so lovely, in fact, that I am thinking of sprucing up husband #1's wardrobe with some..) 15 minutes before candle lighting, I hear screaming in the basement...worried that something mightve happened to husband #1, i rush down the stairs(I really did rush). Looking at me, with sheer terror, he says "I forgot to pack my underwear." Really? you forgot underwear? I did laundry 3 days early so you would have enough underwear and wouldn't have to go into your reserves(yes, he has reserves)(I'm fully aware that I don't work and laundry is what primarily occupies my time, but I never do our laundry that early in the week.) Poor guy. No underwear. What's a kind, compassionate, loving wife to do? Laugh. At him. Laugh a lot. And then go to walgreens to buy him some underwear-so not in the budget after springing for the suitcase. But even though we were staying with people that we love and feel totally comfortable with..you just can't borrow someone else's underwear. I had to tell the lady in walgreens the story...so then we laughed again. Sorry husband #1, it's been a tough week. But thanks for taking me to Chicago...
Happy Tuesday
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