Fat girls guide to juice cleanse

I did it. I stuck to a three day juice cleanse.  6 juices a day(I only had 5), unlimited water(I definitely didn't drink enough), green vegetables and egg whites(I had 4 egg whites a day and brocolli).  I wasn't so hungry as I was a little dizzy at times(especially in the middle of the night when the juices wanted to make their exit). I didn't cheat. I survived without diet soda. I did not crave sugar or flour. I lost 5 pounds.  The juices were not my cup of tea...but, they are tolerable(except for the spinach pineapple which I could not get down, at all, and I tried).  My favorite was the spicy lemonade, which makes the most sense because it has the least nutritional value.  I felt that after spending all this money, I could have gotten a little more support from the juice lady. She takes your cell phone to text you guidelines..which are vague at best, but fine.  But I honestly felt that for anyone who invests in her "cleanse" and meets her personally, there should be a follow up text to make sure you are ok and haven't passed out in the street somewhere from hunger. Her cell phone number is given to you, but, if you are in a coma, it doesn't help you.  But I do feel a new sense of self control and I am going to try and keep to  eating small, healthy meals every few hours. And I would do the cleanse again...just not for a while.

But lets be honest, the skinny chicks who do this cleanse, don't eat that much to begin with. If I had the self control to drink one of these juices for lunch and not eat anything else the rest of the day, I wouldn't have to go on this cleanse in the first place! I am a real woman who likes real food(and if you are one of those "but I can eat whatever I want and never gain weight" ladies..bite me.) I can admit that over the past few months, I have lost the ability to demonstrate will power when it comes to food and this really did help me.  Will I keep the weight off? Will I lose the remaining 15 so I can fit into a dress for my son's bar mitzva? Will I refrain from seeing how a pint of rocky road will digest after only drinking nutrient enriched juices for 3 days? Only time will tell....

Happy Friday...tonight I will be drinking juice of a different kind....

Son #2 told me I wasn't allowed to blog about the security incident at honors haven, so I won't let you know that I was this close to getting arrested by the ellenville police department for disorderly conduct, and then, being the kind-hearted child that he is(to everyone but his younger brother) he apologized to said security guard for my behavior.....While visiting honors haven(since I needed a reprieve from eating at kerhonksens finest spa and resort)I saw a friend of mine from college..we were actually really good friends until real life began. She said "remember that amazing Passover we had at the nevele? It was so much fun!!" and I'm looking at her trying to remember the Passover she was talking about..the one when son #3 slept in a pack n play in the closet, which meant no one really got any sleep and he was just starting to walk, so we had to hold up dining room traffic and pissed off many an old person and then it hit me, she had such a great time because she wasn't married yet!! She was engaged and gaga in love and her man was perfect and goo goo blah blah blah. And I was really fat and overtired and wanted to kill husband #1 for not being helpful(oh wait, somethings never change...except for the overtired, god bless the makers of ambien) Good times. And now, thank god, she has 5 beautiful(poo poo poo) kids and totally understands why my take of Passover at the nevele was so different than hers! Sorry this is so short, it's time to eat again...wishing all of you a happy and healthy holiday! Happy Thursday and shout out to my friend and neighbor for getting us into the hotel today....

Boo hoo Lulu

As many of you know, I am not a fan of Lulu Lemon.  For those of you who don't know and don't know what Lulu Lemon is, it is a line of exercise clothes designed for people who either don't need to exercise, exercise all day or who just like to make fat people feel bad.  In the window of the store there is a mannequin of a woman who would not fit into any of the clothing that they sell in the store.  I do not like Lulu Lemon because she discriminates against those of us who like to exercise, but, like to eat more.  Is she doing it to punish us because we can't fit into 100 dollar yoga pants? Maybe, but the mannequin in the window is freezing and she just wants to break free so she can waddle over to lane bryant to find something to wear....

Lulu is in trouble.  Apparently, she has been manufacturing pants that are see thru.  You can see the skinny tushys through the pants.  Women are in an uproar. The stock is plummeting. People are outraged.  The fat mannequin doesn't feel quite as bad because she isn't wearing any clothing at all.  I happen to be quite amused at the whole fiasco because the pants are skin tight, you can see every ripple, muscle, vein...the people who wear them, wear them to flaunt their ability to wear them...so whats the big deal if the guy behind you can tell what color undy pants you are wearing?

Poor Lulu...I hope she is stress eating an entenmanns cake..or two...

Happy Thursday!

purim blog 2013

Life isn't fair for many reasons.  People get sick, people die, people get fat, people get thin and then they   get fat again...the fairness isn't in any specific order, though, this year, I wore by biggest loser sweatshirt because I weigh enough this purim to qualify to be on the show...wish I was kidding.  All those godam butterfingers aren't helping. My son, the non anorexic anorexic told me i should drink tea and eat bagels and vegetables and then I will be down to my bar mitzva ready weight (which is still not so ready...) It is interesting living in a house with skinny boys as opposed to skinny girls....boys think of food as sustenance, while girls think of food as the enemy. Well, except for this girl...hence the dilemmas...

Anyway, back to purim. It was a lovely day. Had my family over for seuda while my brother was on the phone for the two hours he was here. I got to bond with my niece and nephew who are going to be camping out here for a few days.  Watching them at this age has got to be easier than when they were 7 months old...that was an experience...how can two babies be soo cute and soo not willing to sleep. But now, they are almost 5, which is like they are almost in college, so it should be a piece of cake(which is not on the diet that skinny son #1 has put me on...) I am just excited to have another girl in the house that I can say "see, aren't they so mean to me?" ....that's all i want, some validation...and I am sure I will get that from a five year old girl...with the right accessories, of course.

In any event husband #1 got to woo the ladies with his super fast megillah reading...16 1/2 minutes, baby...now that is a turn on.  Which quickly get turned off when we get back home and he tells me that verizon technical service is closed on sunday and it turns out that it is actually open 24/7 and I had to run home from my walk because Luke from the phillipines needed me to check out my modem...like I know what that means....I asked Luke if he has ever heard a wife kill her husband before and he said "no maam, that would be a first for me too.."  ahh poor Luke, got crazy butterfinger filled Banji on the phone and now his life will never be the same.  Long story short, new router is in the mail, bag of candy is ready for husband #1's office and the oscars begin very soon....

I hope you all had a wonderful purim and that your life is like a perfect shaloch manot, filled with many things that make you happy....

Happy Sunday

Yogi Bear

I did it. I went to shalom yoga. My motivation was to support my friend, so my intentions were pure. But in the back of my mind i was thinking "how can I do yoga when my favorite position is the 'screaming mom'?"  I am not flexible(insert lewd comment here) I have a hard time relaxing(insert lewd comment here) and the thought of spending 45 minutes in a calm, non-stress inducing environment was, well, stressful.

But I went with my purple yoga mat, courtesy of the yeshivas noyam golf and tennis outing from three years ago, I went by myself because I am a big girl(and my friend who was supposed to come with me had to do carpool) and I was ready to face the challenge.  I must admit, the yoga teacher was fabulous.  She had me breathing and relaxing and pretending to be a tree and a warrior and a big fluffy cloud-the cloud, i had no problem with, the tree and warrior was another story...and every time she said "there is no judgement here only love"  i smiled and took a deep breath-and tried not to fall on my bedonkadonk.. But I was also thinking that there should be more poses that relate to real life...like, if there was an all mens yoga class, is there "watching tv with my hands down my pants pose?"  is there a "I have no idea what you want from me?" pose...you get the point...

I have heard that yoga is all about meditating and finding inner peace..so perhaps I should not have said that I felt like I was doing the hokey pokey, perhaps I should have kept my self deprecating comments to myself, but, being the egomaniac that I am, it had to be all about me, and i had to make the others laugh. Whether it was at me or with me is another story.  But when i was lying on my mat in the lox pose(im not sure what it was actually called, I heard lox, thought about bagels and I was off to the races) and the teacher was telling us to relax and think about a beach and the sky...I opened my eyes after a few minutes and had no idea where I was...so that is either a good thing or the lavendar she had us smell was drugged...

Though, when all is said and done...I will be going back next week..hope some of you will join me!

Happy Wednesday

which one am I.....

Last night I attended a beautiful simcha.  A wedding of two Teaneck people, set up by Teaneck people, everyone was thin enough to pull off the white dresses, food was good, my table was awesome...all was right with the universe.  While observing the dancing(because since my vertigo, the whole round and round thing makes me dizzy) someone came up to me and asked who she should be relating to at the wedding..to sort of quote her "I haven't made any bar or bat mitzvahs yet, so do I still relate to the bride? the bride's mom?  Who can I still associate with?"

Ahh, my dear, sweet, young friend..here is my take on that...I, female, fat and forty, can no longer relate to the bride. For many reasons..too young, too thin, too optimistic, too in love, too giggley...too bouncy without jiggling...catch my drift? If I could do it all over again, would I?  Of course, because if I didn't, I wouldn't have my boys...and if I didn't have my boys, when I came home last night, I would not have had the extreme joy of watching son #1 bake his own snickerdoodles. That's right folks, the messiah is just a wee bit closer to coming because someone in my house with actual testicles(not the ones that have grown on me by osmosis) baked something. A miracle. A joy.  Getting back on topic, no, I can no longer relate to the bride.

The bride's mom. No, I cannot relate to her either because I will never be the bride's mom.  I will be the well groomed(on that day anyway) piece of wallpaper that stands in the background with the tears streaming down her face as her son begins his life with his new best friend...I will be the woman handing out the jewelry and babysitting whenever asked and cooking whenever asked and keeping my mouth shut whenever asked(thank god for pharmacuticals...) you get the picture. Can't be bride's mom.

So who can I relate to at these simchas?..the fat single girls saying tehillim with such fervor that they look like they will take off from their chairs?  The women wearing orthopedic dancing shoes?  The bartenders? Truth be told, as I start preparing to make my last bar mitzvah, I just enjoy being a guest, listening to good music, drinking gin and tonics, hanging out with friends, and laughing as I watch the young couple and their friends dancing and screaming, filled with high hopes and dreams for their futures...and I pray those are all fulfilled.

May we only know from simchas, people. Amen.

Happy Monday

And then there was Willis...

Part of turning 40 has re-emphasized the phrase "life is short." Every time something hurts or I don't feel right, I consult my medical team on google to try and determine which ailment is going to get me this week.  This is not always the smartest thing to do, but it makes me feel that I am being proactive.  When I heard the news that Mr. Drummond, from Different Strokes fame, had died, a show that was on when I was a kid, the first words out of my mouth were "Willis is the only one left!"  After pausing a moment, and checking google for symptoms of chest pains and dry mouth, I then recalled that I think Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life was still alive(and I believe she worked for the Drummonds..), but I wasn't really sure and I didn't want to check because then that would be really depressing. It's like watching reruns of the Odd Couple (which I did all day, new years day, man that show is still funny). The Odd Couple is dead.  That is just so sad.

The reality is, some of these folk were in their late 80's and 90's, which, of course, isn't old if you are say 86, but, unfortunately, there are some who died way too young.  OK, this is getting depressing. As long as my girls Blair, Jo, Tootie...are still ok, and i hope that they are..I can continue on.

Here is wishing those of you who are going away a safe and wonderful trip, those of you who are staying home a safe and wonderful stacation and good health and peace to all.  And, just as a side point, it really does take "different strokes to rule the world, yes it does..."

Happy Thursday

For those of you too young or too old not to catch the tv references...google them...:)