today I am a man...not a bar mitzvah blog...

Yes, you all know that i live in a house with all boys. you all know that i go on baseball trips, you all know that I complain a lot. blah blah blah. Well, yesterday, September 9, 2013, it finally happened.  I grew testicles. "what??"  you are asking yourselves?  "She needed liposuction, not testicles...what's going on?"  Let me explain..

After 7 years, the toilet seat in my bathroom broke off the hinges. It was inevitable that either husband #1 or I were going to knock it off and end up in the bowl...so, I decided to be proactive. I googled "how to change a toilet seat" and to my surprise, was able to watch a 1 minute and 35 second video on, well, how to change a toilet seat.  After finding the appropriate tools, I removed the old toilet seat.  I took the seat to home depot. I purchased a new seat. I brought the seat home. I installed the seat. And then, much to my surprise, I grew a pair...

So now, on my list of life accomplishments , which include still being married, not having spent a night in jail and staying under 200 pounds, I can proudly say I can change a toilet seat.

And on that note, I would like to wish all of you a happy and healthy new year. Please forgive me if I have offended you(that goes to husband #1 as well.) and may we all be granted with a wonderful year.

Happy Tuesday!

Happy Freakin Anniversary..a love story..

This week husband #1 and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  Well, "celebrated" is a bit of a stretch. At 9:30 am he called me to wish me a happy anniversary and I had forgotten all about it.  Truth be told, my parents made me a beautiful wedding. They spared no expense. Little did I know it was because they were selling me into white slavery.  For the past 18 years, husband #1 has never done laundry, cooked a meal(for me, or himself, or his kids) and has never washed a pot, pan, dish or piece of silverware.(Lately, he has been loading and unloading the dishwasher, but that is only because I leave all the stuff out to annoy him.)  This is all my fault. I was so madly in love when I married him, I just wanted to do everything for him(minds out of the gutter, please.) I wanted his mother to be so happy that her son married superwoman(who became supermom after the birth of three super kids...) Basically, the whole thing backfired and now I am just a super-cranky super-bitch. (this line has been edited for the purpose of my husband's sanity...sorry if you missed the original..)

Husband #1 has a friend, we will call him Heshy, who always tells me that I should write nice things about husband #1. So here it goes...Husband #1 is very good and kind. He goes out of his way for all of his carpool friends and tries to make things as easy for them as possible. Husband #1 is a very good father. He instills good values in his boys.  Husband #1 does not complain when he gets leftovers for four nights in a row. Truth is,he can't complain because since he doesn't know how to cook, if he doesn't eat what I leave him, he has nothing for dinner(oh wait, that wasn't nice of me...but I did try.)

So a toast to husband #1...here is hoping the next 18 years are filled with only good health and happiness, enjoying the next stage of our three sons adventures. and not ending up as a story line for Law & Order..

Happy Thursday

Visiting Day..aka..the Happiest Day on Earth..

I realize i have not blogged in a while so before I lose momentum, after a very stressful weekend, here we go.  Visiting day-I have decided it is like the Israel Day Parade on steriods. One might think the opposite is true because there are so many more people at the parade, but I will disprove this theory.  When you have children that go to Camp Morasha(since that is the only camp I can speak for) and you decide to walk from boys campus to the main office(to yell at the staff for confiscating your child's powerade, while handing them a check for many dollars to pay for camp)  You run into a large amount of people that you haven't seen in a long time..and you feel the need to talk to all of them(especially on a day like today, when it isn't raining and, aside from the gray, your hair has not begun to frizz yet) Visiting day is a parade unto itself because the way the road is laid out, it lends it self to greeting family after family...no escaping, no running down a side street to avoid someone..there they are, right before you. All you can do is give a big smile, say hello and hope you remember their names(and each year, that gets harder and harder).

Oh wait, visiting day, I'm here to see my kids, not see how much weight the person I hated in college gained, I almost forgot. I'm here to see my adorable boys.  And adorable they were. A little taller, a little browner, but still adorable.  I love seeing their friends year after year and watching the toll that puberty takes on these boys(girls, I can't do this to because, I don't have any).  Some have grown feet and are taller than I am, some are still inching their way up the growth chart.  It makes me so happy that they are all together, and they all seem to really like each other and Morasha helps nuture that(again, Morasha is all I know, I am sure that other camps do the same...I will not make an inappropriate comment about Dora Golding. Though I also heard today that they have bed bugs..but that's another story.)  Though, kids being nice to each other is not always the case.  While at Como Pizza, another one of the biggest scams around(less cheese every year, higher price...but you are paying for the ambiance...and the comfy plastic chairs..). A friend of mine was telling me how some girls were being mean to her daughter. Without going into specifics, they were really really cruel. Mother switched kid into another bunk, and now everything is better. Point being, girls can be really mean..at age 6..at age 16 and even at age 60 (I am woman hear me roar, and hear me talk about you behind your back.) I probably would've handled the situation differently, but that is because I am a mean, scary person...the mom of this child is not, though, she was wearing very high heels to walk around camp in. No judgement. I was wearing toms with therapeutic orthotic inserts. We got to do what we got to do.

Back to visiting day.  There aren't many days in the calendar year when our day is half driving and half seeing our children...almost down to the minute.  Husband #1 loves to take the "back roads"....what is a back road? it is a never ending journey that keeps pissing of our GPS lady (we've named her Greta, after Greta VanSustren and because she sounds just a little bit German...) Greta desperately wanted us back on route 17 and Husband #1 was not having any of that!  So I just sit in the car and drink my tab even though I already drank three previous cans of soda and a bottle of water and haven't gone to the bathroom all day because those camp bathrooms are just bad.  All of them. Even the nice ones. God bless those female staff members..I would rather hold it in for 3 hours(Excuse me, the back roads only took 2 hours and 55 minutes..a world's record) instead of using those bathrooms....but in the end, it was a great day.  The kids were both happy to see us and not sad to see us go.  I only forgot to bring two thing, but thankfully remembered the fish food for the fish that is going to boil in is own water..poor thing...

Hope you all had a wonderful day.
Wishing you all happy and healthy Sunday and week ahead....

little house on the prairie..a modern day version

It's been a while since i have blogged, so i might be a little rusty. But what a weekend. First of all, I want to give a shout out to Yosef, bar mitzvah boy extraordinaire.  I have had the joy of attending your mom's bat mitzvah, your parents wedding, your other siblings simchas, and seeing your mom and dad almost every visiting day at the morasha canteen so we can reminisce about how they met there oh-so-many years ago(well, they reminisce, I am probably eating something...) In any event, I always enjoy spending time on the Island of long with the many skinny-minis. Though, I have to admit, and husband #1 warned me not to, it seems that the upside of hurricane sandy was that some of the skinny minis  are not as skinny as they were pre-hurricane. Though, some of them could just be pregnant, which could also be a result of the excessive power loss due to the storm, and with no power, well, there are children reading this so enough said.

One of the many highlights of my weekend was staying with my dear friends and inventors of the coconut perl(1 can pineapple juice, a lot of ice and coconut rum, please drink responsibly) But, we were not the only guests. We were joined by a very pregnant escapee from manhattan along with her husband and adorable son, whose hair color i will try to imitate when i start coloring my gray mess.  Now this adorable pregnant person is really pregnant. Like, keep the ob on speed dial and where is the boiling water and clean towels pregnant. I felt like Doc on little house on the prairie. I was ready to use all of my obstetrics knowledge(courtesy of my father) to deliver this baby, if need be, in the beautiful marble bathtub in the master bedroom....I kept asking her how far apart her contractions were(there weren't any) if her water broke(it didn't) if the fetus was head down(it was) if she was dialeted(2 centimeters-woohoo! 8 to go!!!) needless to say i was being more annoying than usual and I was waiting for her to get the first train back into the city to escape my insaneness(not sure if that is a word).  But I was determined to deliver this baby because THAT would have been a story "fat chick from new jersey delivers baby in woodsburgh, story at 11" "Hatzolah's got nothing on visiting daughter of an ob/gyn"  That would've been awesome.  But in the end, the adorable pregnant person survived shabbos without incident and I did not get to deliver a baby...but, my friend the real doctor got to take care of son #3's feet, so it wasn't a total loss..

Mazal tov to all of my friends celebrating wonderful occasions this weekend! and only ONE MORE WEEK til Benjy and Rebecca's wedding!!!! can't wait!!!

happy sunday

husband #1 does it again.....

Realizing that I haven't blogged since the "cleanse" of three weeks ago, I thought it was about time to get out another one.(That and through the encouragement of my son's lovely friend Gaby(shout out), who is not only polite, but he tries to get my boys to eat healthier foods. He also entertains us with a little ditty on the piano before he makes his exit...

In any event, I am still alive after the cleanse. I went a whole week without diet soda, but then I developed the shakes and needed to imbibe in the sweet nectar of my beloved tab. I did not, however, go back to eating entenmanns, only drinking the tab. You have to pick your battles and if I don't pick mine correctly, I will be wearing a lovely figure flattering hefty bag to son #3's bar mitzvah and even though all of my friends will tell me how amazing I look, we will all be thinking the same thing "that crazy girl is wearing an actual garbage bag!" So, no to the cake and yes to the chemicals.  I have been drinking more water and eating more asparagus, and am thinking of creating a perfume with the scent that follows after eating said asparagus, but that is for another time.

Today is my half birthday. Who cares, right?  I was just happy the weather was better than it was on my actual, no power, cooking in the dark birthday. Husband #1 comes home with a white bag and says "I got you something for your half birthday."  Awww, how sweet. I'm thinking as I am pretty sure it is a piece of white chocolate mousse cake from my most favorite, because that is my very favorite.  Or a corn muffin, which I enjoy on occasion. Or even a blueberry muffin because blueberries are chock full of antioxidants and fiber...it was none of those things. It was plain vanilla tasti delite. I don't like tasti delite and I don't like plain vanilla.  Now before you all jump down my throat about how I should appreciate this gesture of love and devotion, let me just point out something.  We are going to be married 18 freakin years and the guy still doesn't know what kind of ice cream I like???? seriously? Do you think I keep any secrets from this man? I know what he likes..he likes plain vanilla..oh wait, maybe that's why he got it. So he could eat it. So happy half birthday to me.....

Here's hoping that your better halves have more of a clue...

Happy Wedneseday

Fat girls guide to juice cleanse

I did it. I stuck to a three day juice cleanse.  6 juices a day(I only had 5), unlimited water(I definitely didn't drink enough), green vegetables and egg whites(I had 4 egg whites a day and brocolli).  I wasn't so hungry as I was a little dizzy at times(especially in the middle of the night when the juices wanted to make their exit). I didn't cheat. I survived without diet soda. I did not crave sugar or flour. I lost 5 pounds.  The juices were not my cup of tea...but, they are tolerable(except for the spinach pineapple which I could not get down, at all, and I tried).  My favorite was the spicy lemonade, which makes the most sense because it has the least nutritional value.  I felt that after spending all this money, I could have gotten a little more support from the juice lady. She takes your cell phone to text you guidelines..which are vague at best, but fine.  But I honestly felt that for anyone who invests in her "cleanse" and meets her personally, there should be a follow up text to make sure you are ok and haven't passed out in the street somewhere from hunger. Her cell phone number is given to you, but, if you are in a coma, it doesn't help you.  But I do feel a new sense of self control and I am going to try and keep to  eating small, healthy meals every few hours. And I would do the cleanse again...just not for a while.

But lets be honest, the skinny chicks who do this cleanse, don't eat that much to begin with. If I had the self control to drink one of these juices for lunch and not eat anything else the rest of the day, I wouldn't have to go on this cleanse in the first place! I am a real woman who likes real food(and if you are one of those "but I can eat whatever I want and never gain weight" ladies..bite me.) I can admit that over the past few months, I have lost the ability to demonstrate will power when it comes to food and this really did help me.  Will I keep the weight off? Will I lose the remaining 15 so I can fit into a dress for my son's bar mitzva? Will I refrain from seeing how a pint of rocky road will digest after only drinking nutrient enriched juices for 3 days? Only time will tell....

Happy Friday...tonight I will be drinking juice of a different kind....

Son #2 told me I wasn't allowed to blog about the security incident at honors haven, so I won't let you know that I was this close to getting arrested by the ellenville police department for disorderly conduct, and then, being the kind-hearted child that he is(to everyone but his younger brother) he apologized to said security guard for my behavior.....While visiting honors haven(since I needed a reprieve from eating at kerhonksens finest spa and resort)I saw a friend of mine from college..we were actually really good friends until real life began. She said "remember that amazing Passover we had at the nevele? It was so much fun!!" and I'm looking at her trying to remember the Passover she was talking about..the one when son #3 slept in a pack n play in the closet, which meant no one really got any sleep and he was just starting to walk, so we had to hold up dining room traffic and pissed off many an old person and then it hit me, she had such a great time because she wasn't married yet!! She was engaged and gaga in love and her man was perfect and goo goo blah blah blah. And I was really fat and overtired and wanted to kill husband #1 for not being helpful(oh wait, somethings never change...except for the overtired, god bless the makers of ambien) Good times. And now, thank god, she has 5 beautiful(poo poo poo) kids and totally understands why my take of Passover at the nevele was so different than hers! Sorry this is so short, it's time to eat again...wishing all of you a happy and healthy holiday! Happy Thursday and shout out to my friend and neighbor for getting us into the hotel today....