I can be serious too....

I always try to make people laugh. It is what we fat folks like to do. It bolsters our self esteem. But, today I am going to be serious.  Real writers are one's that can share all. Every secret, every emotion..though it may seem to some that I do, it is mostly all from the surface. Nothing too offensive, nothing too personal. Well, today is a very personal day for me. 10 years ago today, I lost my baby. Granted, he wasn't a "real" baby by medical standards, he was a 16 week old bunch of cells that decided not to stick around. Even though I went through that experience twice after, for some reason, this date is always the most raw.  The whole experience was horrible. I remember the doctor's appointment that was two days prior to my "procedure" like it was yesterday. What I wore, that I drove carpool for son #3's nursery school. Lying on the table while the doctor was looking for the heart beat, I remember joking with her that it must be difficult to find the sound with all that extra fat protecting the baby.  But there was no sound.  There was no more baby. It took a long time to recover from each loss, but now I just take a few moments on this day to reflect. To shed a few tears. And to appreciate what I do have.

The Tefillin Bandwagon

Spoiler Alert: I am not an expert on anything having to do with Jewish Law. I went to yeshiva for elementary school, high school AND college and due to childbirth, age and probably plain old stupidity, I have no recollection of much of what I have learned...except if a cow falls into a ditch on my property, I am responsible for the cost of the cow.  I also must confess that in college, I failed the course on the Sabbath, a "holiday" that I celebrate every week of my life. I failed it. And had to take an incomplete. There...it's all out in the open. Now you can take whatever I write with the grain of salt that it is worth.

Many orthodox women are unhappy with their role in the religion. I happen to be perfectly content with not having to pray three times a day(though I still get credit for making sure my boys get there), with not having to read from the Torah and many other rules the men are "required" to do. The orthodox view on homosexuality upsets me. We are supposed to be a welcoming religion, not one that ostracizes.  The orthodox view on abortion upsets me. And yet, I continue to be a part of this branch of the religion because there are things that are beautiful about it and it is a tradition that has been passed down to me. I don't always agree with husband #1 on the rigidity of it. There are things we just can't question, even if the questions are endless...

If there are young women who have taken on the responsibility(not sure that is the correct word, but, again, I am not an expert on anything, except for maybe snack foods) of putting tefillin on, either because it is something they have decided on their own, or their families have a tradition of doing so, good for them. They aren't asking to pray on the men's side of the mechitza, they aren't asking for a female circumcision, they are asking to continue doing something that has become the norm for them. They are not doing it by rote, like so many boys do....they are doing it because they want to, this is how they choose to celebrate their religion(i am just assuming this, again, I know nothing) And I applaud the principal who allowed them to do so.

We all have our opinions. We all can agree to disagree. That is what makes life interesting.

Happy Sunday

Merry Xmas

I love this time of year. The lights. The decorations. The visions of sugar plums dancing in my head(oh wait, that vision is actually me dancing in the mirror.)  It is a beautiful time of year. Husband #1 actually proposed in front of the Rockefellar Center Christmas tree(isn't that a joke)...well, he didn't actually propose, he tried to propose, but he thought the ring fell out of the gloves he bought me and  then when i finally realized that the ring was in the glove, he was in such a state of panic that he sort of just looked  at me, his eyes glazed(like he looks at me now, most of the time) and I just assumed he meant to propose because i was holding a diamond engagement ring in my hand and people around us were clapping(no, his parents weren't there.)

Totally not the point of the blog. I am certain that the reason why I am jewish is so I cannot celebrate Christmas.  If i did, I  would need to have a tree. A beautiful tree. Every year. With lots of decorations(which I am assuming would be sports related).  When I  think about husband #1 going to get the tree, tying it to the hood of the van, bringing it into our house, setting it up and then removing it when the holiday season is over(which, I am assuming if this were a true scenario would be some time in July) I realize that this is why i celebrate a holiday that involves putting some menorahs on a table(that I bring up from the basement)and then putting it all away 8 days later.

But I still love this season. And I will still wake up Christmas morning hoping that some guy fell down our chimney with lots of presents...

Happy Tuesday!

Birthday Blog 2013

Yes, I am no longer 40..I am now 43.  I cannot change the name of my blog because, quite honestly, I have no idea how to do that.  There, now you know.

I have been having a wonderful birthday.  What I have learned about birthdays is that you think people don't think about you the way you might think about them, but then they surprise you. Yes, I am not saying something negative.  Maybe 43 is the start of something new. Maybe the fact that we only lost power for 15 minutes instead of 7 days has changed the karma of my being.  I got wonderful gifts, including a coconut lime cake that was a totally incredible gesture of kindness(and to make sure that I stay a good 50 pounds more than the person who baked it).  But my day began with a miracle. My day began with husband #1 waking the boys up for school, the boys giving me cards and then going downstairs to a kitchen decorated with a birthday banner, balloons(which included a very large princess balloon, because "you are a very large princess"..at least for today-tomorrow, I will just be very large..and that's ok)..and, I FINALLY got the corn muffin that i have been waiting for since Mother's Day.  So what if took 6 months.  It was a muffin, it was fresh and I ate it with a big smile on my face.

We won't go into the hair coloring fiasco because that would be negative...and I am no longer a negative person. At least not today.

Thanks for all of your birthday wishes and may all of your karma be good!

Happy Friday

Holy Jewsus!!!!!

As a member of the press, I was put on assignment on a very delicate matter...the matter of Jews and Food at Kosherfest 2013.  I have never attended one of these before, because no one has ever invited me, but when I was given the chance to go, through a total act of fate on facebook, my time had come. And I was ready.  As I pulled into the parking lot and witnessed the hundreds of black hatted and sheiteled women I began to wonder if. perhaps, wearing jeans was not the smartest move.  But it was fine, no one was going to notice the separation of my legs when they were giving out free donuts. And Coffee.  And Sausage. And Ice Cream. And Danish. You get the point. I walked into the press room, got my press pass and I was ready.

I have been to hotels for pesach when duck has been on the menu and families all around us would order 10 servings of duck (for 2 people) to bring up to their room. Is duck better room temperature? I don't know, but those duck lovers have got nothing on what was going on at kosherfest.  I witnessed women bring out tupperware containers and fill them with cold cuts and pareve cheese and rolls(dinner for the family?)  Other women had stashes of ziploc bags for cookies and donuts and other desserts...really? with a 2000 dollar sheital and cartier watch ya can't afford to go to the bakery? Ok, maybe the watch was fake...I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then there were the displays of various food products that would have a sign "please do not touch, these are not samples." Clearly they should have written those signs in yiddish because no one seemed to understand the sign in english...We are an interesting people.  We are a hungry people, as it appeared today at kosherfest.

I am not going to lie, I did pretty well myself at this event. Though mostly because the vendors wanted me to write a good review of their products.  I actually threatened the kleins ice cream guy with a bad review if he wouldn't start given out his samples of ice cream bars, I am not proud I did this, but I really wanted to try the pink grapefruit ice bar...and it was totally worth it....

Hope your day was just as eventful, but perhaps not so highly cholesterol inducing..

Happy Wednesday and a Happy Birthday to my favorite sister tomorrow...

Please Blog Safely, mom!!

I came home from an engagement party with all sorts of funny thoughts running through my head to blog about.  I really love the couple, though I don't know them that well because I am old enough to be their parents. I really love the girl's parents (no offense to the boys parents, I do not know who they are, but they must be great because their son is great.)  So I had all of these ideas and before I went to write it, son #2 said, "stop mom, please blog safely, because you know what happens when you don't..."  ahh, wise words from the 15 year old eating on my couch with no napkin.  But he is right.  I have unintentionally insulted people before and that is not what I want to do...but here are my thoughts.  The boy is 20.  Son #1 is 17.  I cannot imaging son #1 being engaged in 3 years.  I cannot imagine son #1 getting on a plane and leaving his mommy for a year to "learn" in Israel(though he keeps telling me 2 years and he keeps telling my that he likes his father better..but that's for a different blog).

I walked into this engagement party feeling like I was 100 years old.  All these kids flocking to each other, doing the "OH MY GOD YOU LOOK AMAZING!!!" scream to one another.  Was I ever like that? Young? Carefree?  Happy to see other people? The screaming, I am sure I did..the other stuff, not so much.  But it was nice to see the young couples in love...they bring out the best in each other..smiles, laughter, whispers followed by blushing. It is sweet and adorable.  I could go down the cynical route and bring up the cattle prods and kneecap breaking, but why ruin the fairy tale. At this time, at this place, all was magical. And that is the way it should be in the beginning...and it would be nice if it was like that in the middle..and all throughout their lives.  So I stuck a lollypop with the picture of the bride and groom in my pocket, with their faces sticking out, so I could bring smiles to those who saw my accessory (or people just thought "wow, big girl wearing food, there's a funny sight.")  And I wish the happy couple and their families only good health and happiness, a tension free wedding and a life just like a fairy tale.

today I am a man...not a bar mitzvah blog...

Yes, you all know that i live in a house with all boys. you all know that i go on baseball trips, you all know that I complain a lot. blah blah blah. Well, yesterday, September 9, 2013, it finally happened.  I grew testicles. "what??"  you are asking yourselves?  "She needed liposuction, not testicles...what's going on?"  Let me explain..

After 7 years, the toilet seat in my bathroom broke off the hinges. It was inevitable that either husband #1 or I were going to knock it off and end up in the bowl...so, I decided to be proactive. I googled "how to change a toilet seat" and to my surprise, was able to watch a 1 minute and 35 second video on, well, how to change a toilet seat.  After finding the appropriate tools, I removed the old toilet seat.  I took the seat to home depot. I purchased a new seat. I brought the seat home. I installed the seat. And then, much to my surprise, I grew a pair...

So now, on my list of life accomplishments , which include still being married, not having spent a night in jail and staying under 200 pounds, I can proudly say I can change a toilet seat.

And on that note, I would like to wish all of you a happy and healthy new year. Please forgive me if I have offended you(that goes to husband #1 as well.) and may we all be granted with a wonderful year.

Happy Tuesday!