15 months

I seem to start so many of these posts "wow, I haven't blogged in such a long time."  I am 44 now. Holy Crap. I haven't blogged about so many things, but since today is a national holiday, figured it was about time. What national holiday? It's Son #2's birthday. Shouldn't that be a national holiday? 17 years ago, son #1 was staying at my parents because, even though he is the smartest kid in the whole world, he just couldn't get the walking thing down. My mother looked at him and said, "Jack, you are about to be a big brother, enough is enough." And she and my dad stood at opposite ends of their hallway and got the little cutie pie to walk. Let's keep in mind that he was only 15 months old at the time, but still, he needed to walk because you cannot fit two kids in one baby bjorn. 17 years ago, my in laws were in Israel because they figured I was two weeks late with son #1, why would #2 be on time? Enough said. 17 years ago President Clinton "did not have sex with that woman." As I watched Maurice Dubois on the news as my contractions began. It was a long time ago. But I will never forget my OB yelling at husband #1, who was relaxing on the bed next to mine watching Days of our Lives, "get up and help your wife with YOUR baby!!!"

And then there was son #2. Big blue eyes and total yummy-ness. And then we were a family of four. You never realize how simple things were and have no idea how complicated they will become. You just have to hope that all will be good and put one foot in front of the other.

Happy Birthday Jonah Harris....love you more than life.....

I'm Back

Hope you have all been enjoying your summer. It hasn't been easy. The one thing I really hate about being a grown up is that when grown up things are happening in the world, I realize that I have children to protect. So how am I doing that? well, I am sending one to Israel on monday! totally get a medal for that. Thousands of kids have gone before him(well, not me, because my mom was afraid I would run off and marry an israeli...well, mom, after being married 19 years to husband #1, what are ya thinking about that plan now?) and thousands of kids will go after him and God Willing, it will all be fine.
We got a letter from his school today describing the steps they are taking to make sure everyone is safe. They are imposing a 12 am curfew during the week and a 1 am curfew on the weekends and all i could think was, "wait, I was sending my son to a school that didn't have a curfew?"  Hmm. apparently I have been totally clueless.All i heard at the meeting with the parents was a bunch of stuff about not letting my kid use my home in Israel for parties. Um, can my child still go here if i don't actually own a home in israel?
In any event, I was cuckoo about all this before any of this war stuff started. I am not an israel person. I have only been there a few times, I have no relatives there and the relatives that will go visit while my son is there probably won't even call him..and that is OK!
Honestly, and don't take this the wrong way, I really don't want son #1 coming home with long curly payes. I really really don't. Let him learn until he is blue in face, let him come home and tell me that I am doing every single thing wrong(because I probably am) just don't let his sideburns become curly queues...something about that just freaks me out.
Kid, have a safe year, come home treating me just a wee bit more respectfully or I will not be doing any of your laundry ever again.

Happy Wednesday

Rock Bottom

Hi folks..hope you have all been well.  Wanted to share a little story with you. I have finally hit rock bottom. I have finally experienced the turning point where I realize that I have to make a change.  I have to start fresh. I have to go into treatment.  While lying in the chair at my favorite endodontist's office yesterday, he began to start preparing me for root canal. For those of you who have never had root canal, the first thing they do is put a little rain coat around the tooth that they are going to be working on.  Dr. Lewis began putting the rain coat on my tooth and that is when it happened. My tooth was too fat for the coat. He needed to a get a bigger size. Even my teeth have a weight problem. I warned Dr. Lewis that it was blog worthy, his confirming that, even medically, I have a big mouth.

Yup, so since I can only eat soft food for the next few days, I went to meet my friend's Ben & Jerry, because, in order to help with all of the obesity in this country they have developed a new line of ice cream. Yes, my skinny friends, I know that I shouldn't buy it, but one side is sweet cream flavored, the other side is vanilla flavored with pieces of blondies and the middle, the entire middle, is a stripe of caramel goodness. There is another flavor where one side is chocolate, the other side is rasberry with itty bitty chocolate pieces and the middle is a stripe of a rasberry jelly goodness (which I am counting as a serving of fruit.). And it was on sale.

Yup, gotta keep my mouth proportioned with the rest of me.

Happy Friday!

Lessons of Passover...

I write this with the wisdom of a biblical scholar. If you are home for passover, it is never too early to start shopping. They run out of diet coke, so buy early and buy often, but only buy if it is 5 for 5 dollars. Do not buy soda in any place but a chain supermarket or they rip you off. Unless you work and you have no time to go to 8 different markets.  They also run out of chocolate bars and lollycones. Again, buy early, buy often and only buy on sale. Of course, if you are me, you eat all of the ones with the nuts in them before them holiday actually begins...and that is ok.

You can have too much free matza. Repeat..you CAN have too much free matza.
You can never have too much wine, because, well, you just can't.

Also, i have discovered that my biggest loser sweatshirt doubles as an apron...now that is a good quality piece of merchandise!

Wishing all of you, no matter where you are, a wonderful rest of this holiday. Cherish these moments because before you know it, that little boy fetus that you felt move in your tummy in the kiddush room of the Concord Hotel 18 years ago will be getting ready to graduate high school and go off to Israel....

Happy Sunday!

I am dead either way

I have blogged and written about this topic before.  Studies. On the news this morning, husband #1 turned the volume up because he saw the word DIET in the promo (I guess he was hinting at something) and the reporters were saying that a study was done on people who drink two or more diet drinks a day, and research found that those people die earlier from heart disease. In the same breath, the two skinny reporters started saying that a study was done on married vs single women and the married women had less of a chance of dying from heart disease. Husband #1 and I looked at each other and at the same time said "I guess those studies cancel each other out."  So the single women who drink diet soda have a better chance of dying from heart disease, but the fat, unhappy married women who drink diet soda might live longer because they are married?

what about the women who drink two or more cocktails a day? Or the women who take two or more zanax a day? or the women who only eat two bites of food a day?

So many studies, so little time...

Happy Sunday!

Yay..smaller clothes!!!

Son #1 is 5"11 and weighs less than 130 pounds. I would like to say he gets that from me, but, alas, he does not. Though, he does not get it from husband #1's side of the family either(phew...bet you thought I was almost giving them credit for something.) In any event, the other day, I found myself at Nordstroms, passing through to get to the swatch store(long story, actually, not that long, end of the story is...don't buy husband #1 a swatch, or any watch for that matter, the men working at the store wanted to know if he worked in construction because the watch was so badly damaged. Construction? wait, I am still laughing.) ANYWAY, on the door to Nordstroms was a sign welcoming the Sarah Jessica Parker Collection to the store.

Is she selling teeny tiny clothes and teeny tiny shoes? Here I was, out in public, makeup on(holy crap I am over 40), feeling reasonably human(until I pass lululemon and I want to walk in just so I can record them asking me to leave because I am too big to even fit through their door, wait, I don't have a phone that can record..)and Nordstroms is welcoming a new line of clothing/shoes(i don't know what is in her collection, I just know there won't be any of it in my closet) made by a teeny tiny person who is marketing her wares to a population that only eats Kale.

So I took a deep breath, held my head up high, and walked right to the Baked by Melissa kiosk, where the woman serving the cupcakes was one of my big friendly sistas and she was more than happy to sell me some baked goodness that was just my size.

And order was restored to the world

Happy Wednesday!

I can be serious too....

I always try to make people laugh. It is what we fat folks like to do. It bolsters our self esteem. But, today I am going to be serious.  Real writers are one's that can share all. Every secret, every emotion..though it may seem to some that I do, it is mostly all from the surface. Nothing too offensive, nothing too personal. Well, today is a very personal day for me. 10 years ago today, I lost my baby. Granted, he wasn't a "real" baby by medical standards, he was a 16 week old bunch of cells that decided not to stick around. Even though I went through that experience twice after, for some reason, this date is always the most raw.  The whole experience was horrible. I remember the doctor's appointment that was two days prior to my "procedure" like it was yesterday. What I wore, that I drove carpool for son #3's nursery school. Lying on the table while the doctor was looking for the heart beat, I remember joking with her that it must be difficult to find the sound with all that extra fat protecting the baby.  But there was no sound.  There was no more baby. It took a long time to recover from each loss, but now I just take a few moments on this day to reflect. To shed a few tears. And to appreciate what I do have.

The Tefillin Bandwagon

Spoiler Alert: I am not an expert on anything having to do with Jewish Law. I went to yeshiva for elementary school, high school AND college and due to childbirth, age and probably plain old stupidity, I have no recollection of much of what I have learned...except if a cow falls into a ditch on my property, I am responsible for the cost of the cow.  I also must confess that in college, I failed the course on the Sabbath, a "holiday" that I celebrate every week of my life. I failed it. And had to take an incomplete. There...it's all out in the open. Now you can take whatever I write with the grain of salt that it is worth.

Many orthodox women are unhappy with their role in the religion. I happen to be perfectly content with not having to pray three times a day(though I still get credit for making sure my boys get there), with not having to read from the Torah and many other rules the men are "required" to do. The orthodox view on homosexuality upsets me. We are supposed to be a welcoming religion, not one that ostracizes.  The orthodox view on abortion upsets me. And yet, I continue to be a part of this branch of the religion because there are things that are beautiful about it and it is a tradition that has been passed down to me. I don't always agree with husband #1 on the rigidity of it. There are things we just can't question, even if the questions are endless...

If there are young women who have taken on the responsibility(not sure that is the correct word, but, again, I am not an expert on anything, except for maybe snack foods) of putting tefillin on, either because it is something they have decided on their own, or their families have a tradition of doing so, good for them. They aren't asking to pray on the men's side of the mechitza, they aren't asking for a female circumcision, they are asking to continue doing something that has become the norm for them. They are not doing it by rote, like so many boys do....they are doing it because they want to, this is how they choose to celebrate their religion(i am just assuming this, again, I know nothing) And I applaud the principal who allowed them to do so.

We all have our opinions. We all can agree to disagree. That is what makes life interesting.

Happy Sunday

Merry Xmas

I love this time of year. The lights. The decorations. The visions of sugar plums dancing in my head(oh wait, that vision is actually me dancing in the mirror.)  It is a beautiful time of year. Husband #1 actually proposed in front of the Rockefellar Center Christmas tree(isn't that a joke)...well, he didn't actually propose, he tried to propose, but he thought the ring fell out of the gloves he bought me and  then when i finally realized that the ring was in the glove, he was in such a state of panic that he sort of just looked  at me, his eyes glazed(like he looks at me now, most of the time) and I just assumed he meant to propose because i was holding a diamond engagement ring in my hand and people around us were clapping(no, his parents weren't there.)

Totally not the point of the blog. I am certain that the reason why I am jewish is so I cannot celebrate Christmas.  If i did, I  would need to have a tree. A beautiful tree. Every year. With lots of decorations(which I am assuming would be sports related).  When I  think about husband #1 going to get the tree, tying it to the hood of the van, bringing it into our house, setting it up and then removing it when the holiday season is over(which, I am assuming if this were a true scenario would be some time in July) I realize that this is why i celebrate a holiday that involves putting some menorahs on a table(that I bring up from the basement)and then putting it all away 8 days later.

But I still love this season. And I will still wake up Christmas morning hoping that some guy fell down our chimney with lots of presents...

Happy Tuesday!

Birthday Blog 2013

Yes, I am no longer 40..I am now 43.  I cannot change the name of my blog because, quite honestly, I have no idea how to do that.  There, now you know.

I have been having a wonderful birthday.  What I have learned about birthdays is that you think people don't think about you the way you might think about them, but then they surprise you. Yes, I am not saying something negative.  Maybe 43 is the start of something new. Maybe the fact that we only lost power for 15 minutes instead of 7 days has changed the karma of my being.  I got wonderful gifts, including a coconut lime cake that was a totally incredible gesture of kindness(and to make sure that I stay a good 50 pounds more than the person who baked it).  But my day began with a miracle. My day began with husband #1 waking the boys up for school, the boys giving me cards and then going downstairs to a kitchen decorated with a birthday banner, balloons(which included a very large princess balloon, because "you are a very large princess"..at least for today-tomorrow, I will just be very large..and that's ok)..and, I FINALLY got the corn muffin that i have been waiting for since Mother's Day.  So what if took 6 months.  It was a muffin, it was fresh and I ate it with a big smile on my face.

We won't go into the hair coloring fiasco because that would be negative...and I am no longer a negative person. At least not today.

Thanks for all of your birthday wishes and may all of your karma be good!

Happy Friday

Holy Jewsus!!!!!

As a member of the press, I was put on assignment on a very delicate matter...the matter of Jews and Food at Kosherfest 2013.  I have never attended one of these before, because no one has ever invited me, but when I was given the chance to go, through a total act of fate on facebook, my time had come. And I was ready.  As I pulled into the parking lot and witnessed the hundreds of black hatted and sheiteled women I began to wonder if. perhaps, wearing jeans was not the smartest move.  But it was fine, no one was going to notice the separation of my legs when they were giving out free donuts. And Coffee.  And Sausage. And Ice Cream. And Danish. You get the point. I walked into the press room, got my press pass and I was ready.

I have been to hotels for pesach when duck has been on the menu and families all around us would order 10 servings of duck (for 2 people) to bring up to their room. Is duck better room temperature? I don't know, but those duck lovers have got nothing on what was going on at kosherfest.  I witnessed women bring out tupperware containers and fill them with cold cuts and pareve cheese and rolls(dinner for the family?)  Other women had stashes of ziploc bags for cookies and donuts and other desserts...really? with a 2000 dollar sheital and cartier watch ya can't afford to go to the bakery? Ok, maybe the watch was fake...I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Then there were the displays of various food products that would have a sign "please do not touch, these are not samples." Clearly they should have written those signs in yiddish because no one seemed to understand the sign in english...We are an interesting people.  We are a hungry people, as it appeared today at kosherfest.

I am not going to lie, I did pretty well myself at this event. Though mostly because the vendors wanted me to write a good review of their products.  I actually threatened the kleins ice cream guy with a bad review if he wouldn't start given out his samples of ice cream bars, I am not proud I did this, but I really wanted to try the pink grapefruit ice bar...and it was totally worth it....

Hope your day was just as eventful, but perhaps not so highly cholesterol inducing..

Happy Wednesday and a Happy Birthday to my favorite sister tomorrow...

Please Blog Safely, mom!!

I came home from an engagement party with all sorts of funny thoughts running through my head to blog about.  I really love the couple, though I don't know them that well because I am old enough to be their parents. I really love the girl's parents (no offense to the boys parents, I do not know who they are, but they must be great because their son is great.)  So I had all of these ideas and before I went to write it, son #2 said, "stop mom, please blog safely, because you know what happens when you don't..."  ahh, wise words from the 15 year old eating on my couch with no napkin.  But he is right.  I have unintentionally insulted people before and that is not what I want to do...but here are my thoughts.  The boy is 20.  Son #1 is 17.  I cannot imaging son #1 being engaged in 3 years.  I cannot imagine son #1 getting on a plane and leaving his mommy for a year to "learn" in Israel(though he keeps telling me 2 years and he keeps telling my that he likes his father better..but that's for a different blog).

I walked into this engagement party feeling like I was 100 years old.  All these kids flocking to each other, doing the "OH MY GOD YOU LOOK AMAZING!!!" scream to one another.  Was I ever like that? Young? Carefree?  Happy to see other people? The screaming, I am sure I did..the other stuff, not so much.  But it was nice to see the young couples in love...they bring out the best in each other..smiles, laughter, whispers followed by blushing. It is sweet and adorable.  I could go down the cynical route and bring up the cattle prods and kneecap breaking, but why ruin the fairy tale. At this time, at this place, all was magical. And that is the way it should be in the beginning...and it would be nice if it was like that in the middle..and all throughout their lives.  So I stuck a lollypop with the picture of the bride and groom in my pocket, with their faces sticking out, so I could bring smiles to those who saw my accessory (or people just thought "wow, big girl wearing food, there's a funny sight.")  And I wish the happy couple and their families only good health and happiness, a tension free wedding and a life just like a fairy tale.

today I am a man...not a bar mitzvah blog...

Yes, you all know that i live in a house with all boys. you all know that i go on baseball trips, you all know that I complain a lot. blah blah blah. Well, yesterday, September 9, 2013, it finally happened.  I grew testicles. "what??"  you are asking yourselves?  "She needed liposuction, not testicles...what's going on?"  Let me explain..

After 7 years, the toilet seat in my bathroom broke off the hinges. It was inevitable that either husband #1 or I were going to knock it off and end up in the bowl...so, I decided to be proactive. I googled "how to change a toilet seat" and to my surprise, was able to watch a 1 minute and 35 second video on, well, how to change a toilet seat.  After finding the appropriate tools, I removed the old toilet seat.  I took the seat to home depot. I purchased a new seat. I brought the seat home. I installed the seat. And then, much to my surprise, I grew a pair...

So now, on my list of life accomplishments , which include still being married, not having spent a night in jail and staying under 200 pounds, I can proudly say I can change a toilet seat.

And on that note, I would like to wish all of you a happy and healthy new year. Please forgive me if I have offended you(that goes to husband #1 as well.) and may we all be granted with a wonderful year.

Happy Tuesday!

Happy Freakin Anniversary..a love story..

This week husband #1 and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  Well, "celebrated" is a bit of a stretch. At 9:30 am he called me to wish me a happy anniversary and I had forgotten all about it.  Truth be told, my parents made me a beautiful wedding. They spared no expense. Little did I know it was because they were selling me into white slavery.  For the past 18 years, husband #1 has never done laundry, cooked a meal(for me, or himself, or his kids) and has never washed a pot, pan, dish or piece of silverware.(Lately, he has been loading and unloading the dishwasher, but that is only because I leave all the stuff out to annoy him.)  This is all my fault. I was so madly in love when I married him, I just wanted to do everything for him(minds out of the gutter, please.) I wanted his mother to be so happy that her son married superwoman(who became supermom after the birth of three super kids...) Basically, the whole thing backfired and now I am just a super-cranky super-bitch. (this line has been edited for the purpose of my husband's sanity...sorry if you missed the original..)

Husband #1 has a friend, we will call him Heshy, who always tells me that I should write nice things about husband #1. So here it goes...Husband #1 is very good and kind. He goes out of his way for all of his carpool friends and tries to make things as easy for them as possible. Husband #1 is a very good father. He instills good values in his boys.  Husband #1 does not complain when he gets leftovers for four nights in a row. Truth is,he can't complain because since he doesn't know how to cook, if he doesn't eat what I leave him, he has nothing for dinner(oh wait, that wasn't nice of me...but I did try.)

So a toast to husband #1...here is hoping the next 18 years are filled with only good health and happiness, enjoying the next stage of our three sons adventures. and not ending up as a story line for Law & Order..

Happy Thursday

Visiting Day..aka..the Happiest Day on Earth..

I realize i have not blogged in a while so before I lose momentum, after a very stressful weekend, here we go.  Visiting day-I have decided it is like the Israel Day Parade on steriods. One might think the opposite is true because there are so many more people at the parade, but I will disprove this theory.  When you have children that go to Camp Morasha(since that is the only camp I can speak for) and you decide to walk from boys campus to the main office(to yell at the staff for confiscating your child's powerade, while handing them a check for many dollars to pay for camp)  You run into a large amount of people that you haven't seen in a long time..and you feel the need to talk to all of them(especially on a day like today, when it isn't raining and, aside from the gray, your hair has not begun to frizz yet) Visiting day is a parade unto itself because the way the road is laid out, it lends it self to greeting family after family...no escaping, no running down a side street to avoid someone..there they are, right before you. All you can do is give a big smile, say hello and hope you remember their names(and each year, that gets harder and harder).

Oh wait, visiting day, I'm here to see my kids, not see how much weight the person I hated in college gained, I almost forgot. I'm here to see my adorable boys.  And adorable they were. A little taller, a little browner, but still adorable.  I love seeing their friends year after year and watching the toll that puberty takes on these boys(girls, I can't do this to because, I don't have any).  Some have grown feet and are taller than I am, some are still inching their way up the growth chart.  It makes me so happy that they are all together, and they all seem to really like each other and Morasha helps nuture that(again, Morasha is all I know, I am sure that other camps do the same...I will not make an inappropriate comment about Dora Golding. Though I also heard today that they have bed bugs..but that's another story.)  Though, kids being nice to each other is not always the case.  While at Como Pizza, another one of the biggest scams around(less cheese every year, higher price...but you are paying for the ambiance...and the comfy plastic chairs..). A friend of mine was telling me how some girls were being mean to her daughter. Without going into specifics, they were really really cruel. Mother switched kid into another bunk, and now everything is better. Point being, girls can be really mean..at age 6..at age 16 and even at age 60 (I am woman hear me roar, and hear me talk about you behind your back.) I probably would've handled the situation differently, but that is because I am a mean, scary person...the mom of this child is not, though, she was wearing very high heels to walk around camp in. No judgement. I was wearing toms with therapeutic orthotic inserts. We got to do what we got to do.

Back to visiting day.  There aren't many days in the calendar year when our day is half driving and half seeing our children...almost down to the minute.  Husband #1 loves to take the "back roads"....what is a back road? it is a never ending journey that keeps pissing of our GPS lady (we've named her Greta, after Greta VanSustren and because she sounds just a little bit German...) Greta desperately wanted us back on route 17 and Husband #1 was not having any of that!  So I just sit in the car and drink my tab even though I already drank three previous cans of soda and a bottle of water and haven't gone to the bathroom all day because those camp bathrooms are just bad.  All of them. Even the nice ones. God bless those female staff members..I would rather hold it in for 3 hours(Excuse me, the back roads only took 2 hours and 55 minutes..a world's record) instead of using those bathrooms....but in the end, it was a great day.  The kids were both happy to see us and not sad to see us go.  I only forgot to bring two thing, but thankfully remembered the fish food for the fish that is going to boil in is own water..poor thing...

Hope you all had a wonderful day.
Wishing you all happy and healthy Sunday and week ahead....

little house on the prairie..a modern day version

It's been a while since i have blogged, so i might be a little rusty. But what a weekend. First of all, I want to give a shout out to Yosef, bar mitzvah boy extraordinaire.  I have had the joy of attending your mom's bat mitzvah, your parents wedding, your other siblings simchas, and seeing your mom and dad almost every visiting day at the morasha canteen so we can reminisce about how they met there oh-so-many years ago(well, they reminisce, I am probably eating something...) In any event, I always enjoy spending time on the Island of long with the many skinny-minis. Though, I have to admit, and husband #1 warned me not to, it seems that the upside of hurricane sandy was that some of the skinny minis  are not as skinny as they were pre-hurricane. Though, some of them could just be pregnant, which could also be a result of the excessive power loss due to the storm, and with no power, well, there are children reading this so enough said.

One of the many highlights of my weekend was staying with my dear friends and inventors of the coconut perl(1 can pineapple juice, a lot of ice and coconut rum, please drink responsibly) But, we were not the only guests. We were joined by a very pregnant escapee from manhattan along with her husband and adorable son, whose hair color i will try to imitate when i start coloring my gray mess.  Now this adorable pregnant person is really pregnant. Like, keep the ob on speed dial and where is the boiling water and clean towels pregnant. I felt like Doc on little house on the prairie. I was ready to use all of my obstetrics knowledge(courtesy of my father) to deliver this baby, if need be, in the beautiful marble bathtub in the master bedroom....I kept asking her how far apart her contractions were(there weren't any) if her water broke(it didn't) if the fetus was head down(it was) if she was dialeted(2 centimeters-woohoo! 8 to go!!!) needless to say i was being more annoying than usual and I was waiting for her to get the first train back into the city to escape my insaneness(not sure if that is a word).  But I was determined to deliver this baby because THAT would have been a story "fat chick from new jersey delivers baby in woodsburgh, story at 11" "Hatzolah's got nothing on visiting daughter of an ob/gyn"  That would've been awesome.  But in the end, the adorable pregnant person survived shabbos without incident and I did not get to deliver a baby...but, my friend the real doctor got to take care of son #3's feet, so it wasn't a total loss..

Mazal tov to all of my friends celebrating wonderful occasions this weekend! and only ONE MORE WEEK til Benjy and Rebecca's wedding!!!! can't wait!!!

happy sunday

husband #1 does it again.....

Realizing that I haven't blogged since the "cleanse" of three weeks ago, I thought it was about time to get out another one.(That and through the encouragement of my son's lovely friend Gaby(shout out), who is not only polite, but he tries to get my boys to eat healthier foods. He also entertains us with a little ditty on the piano before he makes his exit...

In any event, I am still alive after the cleanse. I went a whole week without diet soda, but then I developed the shakes and needed to imbibe in the sweet nectar of my beloved tab. I did not, however, go back to eating entenmanns, only drinking the tab. You have to pick your battles and if I don't pick mine correctly, I will be wearing a lovely figure flattering hefty bag to son #3's bar mitzvah and even though all of my friends will tell me how amazing I look, we will all be thinking the same thing "that crazy girl is wearing an actual garbage bag!" So, no to the cake and yes to the chemicals.  I have been drinking more water and eating more asparagus, and am thinking of creating a perfume with the scent that follows after eating said asparagus, but that is for another time.

Today is my half birthday. Who cares, right?  I was just happy the weather was better than it was on my actual, no power, cooking in the dark birthday. Husband #1 comes home with a white bag and says "I got you something for your half birthday."  Awww, how sweet. I'm thinking as I am pretty sure it is a piece of white chocolate mousse cake from my most favorite, because that is my very favorite.  Or a corn muffin, which I enjoy on occasion. Or even a blueberry muffin because blueberries are chock full of antioxidants and fiber...it was none of those things. It was plain vanilla tasti delite. I don't like tasti delite and I don't like plain vanilla.  Now before you all jump down my throat about how I should appreciate this gesture of love and devotion, let me just point out something.  We are going to be married 18 freakin years and the guy still doesn't know what kind of ice cream I like???? seriously? Do you think I keep any secrets from this man? I know what he likes..he likes plain vanilla..oh wait, maybe that's why he got it. So he could eat it. So happy half birthday to me.....

Here's hoping that your better halves have more of a clue...

Happy Wedneseday

Fat girls guide to juice cleanse

I did it. I stuck to a three day juice cleanse.  6 juices a day(I only had 5), unlimited water(I definitely didn't drink enough), green vegetables and egg whites(I had 4 egg whites a day and brocolli).  I wasn't so hungry as I was a little dizzy at times(especially in the middle of the night when the juices wanted to make their exit). I didn't cheat. I survived without diet soda. I did not crave sugar or flour. I lost 5 pounds.  The juices were not my cup of tea...but, they are tolerable(except for the spinach pineapple which I could not get down, at all, and I tried).  My favorite was the spicy lemonade, which makes the most sense because it has the least nutritional value.  I felt that after spending all this money, I could have gotten a little more support from the juice lady. She takes your cell phone to text you guidelines..which are vague at best, but fine.  But I honestly felt that for anyone who invests in her "cleanse" and meets her personally, there should be a follow up text to make sure you are ok and haven't passed out in the street somewhere from hunger. Her cell phone number is given to you, but, if you are in a coma, it doesn't help you.  But I do feel a new sense of self control and I am going to try and keep to  eating small, healthy meals every few hours. And I would do the cleanse again...just not for a while.

But lets be honest, the skinny chicks who do this cleanse, don't eat that much to begin with. If I had the self control to drink one of these juices for lunch and not eat anything else the rest of the day, I wouldn't have to go on this cleanse in the first place! I am a real woman who likes real food(and if you are one of those "but I can eat whatever I want and never gain weight" ladies..bite me.) I can admit that over the past few months, I have lost the ability to demonstrate will power when it comes to food and this really did help me.  Will I keep the weight off? Will I lose the remaining 15 so I can fit into a dress for my son's bar mitzva? Will I refrain from seeing how a pint of rocky road will digest after only drinking nutrient enriched juices for 3 days? Only time will tell....

Happy Friday...tonight I will be drinking juice of a different kind....

Son #2 told me I wasn't allowed to blog about the security incident at honors haven, so I won't let you know that I was this close to getting arrested by the ellenville police department for disorderly conduct, and then, being the kind-hearted child that he is(to everyone but his younger brother) he apologized to said security guard for my behavior.....While visiting honors haven(since I needed a reprieve from eating at kerhonksens finest spa and resort)I saw a friend of mine from college..we were actually really good friends until real life began. She said "remember that amazing Passover we had at the nevele? It was so much fun!!" and I'm looking at her trying to remember the Passover she was talking about..the one when son #3 slept in a pack n play in the closet, which meant no one really got any sleep and he was just starting to walk, so we had to hold up dining room traffic and pissed off many an old person and then it hit me, she had such a great time because she wasn't married yet!! She was engaged and gaga in love and her man was perfect and goo goo blah blah blah. And I was really fat and overtired and wanted to kill husband #1 for not being helpful(oh wait, somethings never change...except for the overtired, god bless the makers of ambien) Good times. And now, thank god, she has 5 beautiful(poo poo poo) kids and totally understands why my take of Passover at the nevele was so different than hers! Sorry this is so short, it's time to eat again...wishing all of you a happy and healthy holiday! Happy Thursday and shout out to my friend and neighbor for getting us into the hotel today....

Boo hoo Lulu

As many of you know, I am not a fan of Lulu Lemon.  For those of you who don't know and don't know what Lulu Lemon is, it is a line of exercise clothes designed for people who either don't need to exercise, exercise all day or who just like to make fat people feel bad.  In the window of the store there is a mannequin of a woman who would not fit into any of the clothing that they sell in the store.  I do not like Lulu Lemon because she discriminates against those of us who like to exercise, but, like to eat more.  Is she doing it to punish us because we can't fit into 100 dollar yoga pants? Maybe, but the mannequin in the window is freezing and she just wants to break free so she can waddle over to lane bryant to find something to wear....

Lulu is in trouble.  Apparently, she has been manufacturing pants that are see thru.  You can see the skinny tushys through the pants.  Women are in an uproar. The stock is plummeting. People are outraged.  The fat mannequin doesn't feel quite as bad because she isn't wearing any clothing at all.  I happen to be quite amused at the whole fiasco because the pants are skin tight, you can see every ripple, muscle, vein...the people who wear them, wear them to flaunt their ability to wear them...so whats the big deal if the guy behind you can tell what color undy pants you are wearing?

Poor Lulu...I hope she is stress eating an entenmanns cake..or two...

Happy Thursday!