Holy Crap I'm Gonna be 40!!!!!

Vacation 2012..new post..not a repeat...

2012-01-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

Saturday, January 21, 2012

It's another saturday night..husband #1 took the boys to a Nets game, courtesy of cheap tickets on stubhub(is there any other kind of ticket?) and i'm home doing typical Cinderella stuff. Many of you think that I should get a job to contribute to the financial well being of my family. To you, I say..bite me. I am currently wearing a 22 year old tshirt that I think i bought in great adventure with my friend Deva and pants that i got at target on sale...I bought 48 boxes of pasta when they were only 49 cents each and the black dress I wear to various weddings and bat mitzvahs is the same one I wore when i got married..(well, I didn't wear it to my wedding..i wore it the night after my wedding..insert lewd comment here)..

Anyway, the one good thing that husband #1's parents taught him(see, giving credit where credit is due) was the importance of taking a vacation without your children(refrain from comment here..). I have been quite lucky that for the past few years, we have taken some really nice vacations sans kids. But last year I realized that son #1 will be going to Israel in the blink of an eye, and since he is a son and not a daughter, that, I hear from many wise moms-of-boys, is the beginning of the end(good end for the son, bad end for the mom)And that is when I broke the bad news to husband #1- no more vacations without the kids. They are coming with us..wherever we go. I don't care if they fight, throw things at each other, yell, scream, wrestle..goddamit, those kids are coming with us because we love them and soon, they will only want to be with their in laws and we will never see them again unless we end up in the hospital(god forbid) or beg and plead for them to come for a visit...not a long visit, just enough for them to drop off the grandkids and go on vacation. Wow, that was some tangent.

We are taking the kids on vacation...the past two years, our vacation involved son #1 and I raising over 7 thousand dollars for chai lifeline so we could do the half marathon. This year, we are taking them on a cruise. A classy, white trashy, man do i look skinny Carnival cruise. Yes, Carnival owns the cruise line that sunk. Yes, i saw the pictures...yes, I am still going. No, I will not be drunk the whole time(alcohol is extra, silly, and if I am shlepping 24 cans of fanta for husband #1, do you really think I can spend money on alcohol???) I am hoping the boys will bond and realize how lucky they are to be going on a vacation and spending it together..I am hoping that they will take a vacation from fighting and won't throw each other over board(though I know there are security cameras everywhere when i tried to get rid of husband #1 the first time we cruised...) I am hoping they appreciate the fact that their father and I are giving up alone time, so we can take in all of the precious moments that life gives us, but that pass all too quickly.

Who am I kidding...I hope they find friends and leave me alone for a few hours...

Happy Saturday

monday january 9, 2012

2012-01-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

excuse me, im having a hot flash, is this seat taken?

Before i begin my "holier than thou" monologue, this blog does not apply to any one related to the person who made the simcha or the people who did the right thing, and you know who you are....and here i go...

This past sunday I attended the festive circumcision of a young man who was born into one of the most amazing families I know. Wonderful aunts and uncles, incredible grandparents..the whole 9 yards. Yet, when i entered the room where breakfast was being served, i was surprised to find most of those people standing, along with various middle-age to elderly friends and other assorted relatives of the family. And while these kind older people were standing (and when i say older, i dont mean they look older, they all look fabulous, just, chronologically, they happen to be older...) there seem to be an overabundance of young people sitting. And when i say young people, i mean people under the age of 6 and their parents, who are under the age of 30.

This brings me back to my self righteous opinion of "who is a good person." Is a good person someone who covers their hair and doesn't make out with their husband in public(yuck..sorry husband #1) or is a good person someone who gives their seat, and the seat of their snotty nosed child(or in the case of this particular function, snotty nosed children) to an elderly couple who can barely stand...hmmmm, let me think...Yes, i know this was a sunday morning circumcision and you need to get the kids out of the house, but, right is right people. There are 50 gray haired young folks looking for seats, get your kids up and do the right thing...its not like you are still pregnant, you are nursing the baby at the table for gods sakes..baby is born, give up your seat!!

I firmly maintain that if your child is not yet old enough for you to cut his hair, he should not have his own seat when there are older people standing. If your child does not know the difference between a pancake and a napkin(and is happy to chew on either) he should not have a seat..im just saying....I did not know the majority of the people at this simcha, probably because they arent old enough to attend the pre-menopause support group that i attend, but i was not very impressed.

Man i feel better. Yes, i know i need professional help....

Happy Monday

Sunday January 1,2012

2012-01-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's 2012??

I am not quite sure how we got to 2012. I mean, I know how we got here, but I still can't believe that another year has gone by. Looking back, I still remember thinking that I was going to be 30 in the year 2000 and that seemed like a million years away and now it's 2012 and I'm way past 30...(but still look like I'm 28 and act like I'm 12...) I was speaking with someone over the weekend who was saying that every day feels like the same thing..over and over again, truth be told, to a certain extent, she is right, but with all of the crappy things that have happened to people I care about this year, I will take the monotony over uncertainty any day(of course I say this as I am lounging in bed while husband #1 is playing the role of referee while son #3 is screaming his brains out and sons 1 and 2 are running for cover..) There is something to be said for knowing what comes next, or at least thinking we know what comes next...

And as I watched the new weight watchers commercial at the stroke of midnight(god bless that Jennifer Hudson...can't wait to see what song she sings when she gets pregnant again..), I thought of my resolutions for the new year. We had our "young friends" over last night(and it got pretty crazy with three of their kids over..) and I asked my friend what her resolution was and she replied "not to yell so much." And that is when it hit me. I am not making any new years resolutions because if I have learned anything in my 41 years of life, it's that I suck at the follow through.

I would love not yell so much and have my kids think I am Mary Sunshine...but that's not going to happen. If anything, my mood disorder keeps them on their toes. I would love to be a nicer person, but I don't really like a lot of people because they continually disappoint you, so scratch that resolution. Basically, the only things I can resolve is that I will not kill anyone, on purpose anyway, I will not have an affair(too much effort and really, one is enough, husband that is, not affair, just to be clear) and I will try my best to try my best....that is all I can do.

Wishing all of you a happy and healthy 2012, filled with all the things you wish for yourselves...

Happy Sunday

tuesday, december 27, 2011

2011-12-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

my name is banji and i am a loser...and that's ok...

well, the title of today's blog really says it all. I am actually afraid to find out how many of you agree with the first part of the title...i know many of you think i am a loud mouthed, witch like beotch with a fat bedonkadonk..and that is ok too, but, being a loser cuts to my core.

I grew up in a very lovely town, but really only had one friend who lived on "my side", well, two friends if you count the boy who was really smart and tutored me in math and went on to become a really religious rabbi with tons of kids(god bless). My parents never really sent me to camp and when they finally did, the only girl that was nice to me had people making fun of her because, according to husband #1, she used to walk around camp with a butterfly net- i never remember seeing her with a net, but i do remember her kindness towards me after the girl who i thought was my bff, turned out to be a real, well, a real not nice word.(look at me, exercising some self restraint..who knew that was possible.) Needless to say, it made me feel like a loser.

Anyway, fast forward to Stern College for Women and others, i started school not knowing really a soul and ended up knowing almost everyone(though, i still lost out to the israeli for secretary of the student council..not that there is anything wrong with being an israeli, but i still think she only won because she spoke fluent hebrew...no, im not still holding a grudge..losing builds character..and 15 pounds, but whatever..)

Ok so, graduate school...yadadada...marry husband #1...and that brings us to today, when i was volunteering at son #1's high school. The parent association hosted a lunch for all of the students and teachers. It was really, really nice.(no, i am not being sarcastic..) I was in charge of the tray of salad. Now, normally, in this skinny world we live in(that i am, apparently, the unwanted guest of...) you would think that salad would be the popular station. Everyone eats salad..right? No, not right. In fact, at an all boys high school it is very wrong. Extremely wrong, I think i need a therapist wrong...The salad, was, in fact, the loser station. I was manning the loser salad, which, in turn, made me a loser. It got so bad that, at one point, the boys would try to walk by me really quickly so they wouldnt have to hear my pathetic "salad, would you like some salad?" I even snapped at one of the kids with a " I know you can see me standing here with my spoon full of salad!!" It was not pretty. It was pathetic. I am such a loser.

But after eating three jelly donuts, i went to chico's and bought myself a pair of size 2 jeans and i felt a little better..(yes, I know they aren't really a size 2 in the real world, just let the loser be delusional for a little while....)

Happy Tuesday

wednesday december 21, 2011

2011-12-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

happy spoiled brat day...just kidding

sometimes i think that i am the worst mom in the world, and at the same time, my kids are probably thinking i am the best mom in the world. Like when i insist on buying them vitamins, but because i have no memory, i forget to give them to them. Or when they tell me that they like white fudge oreos, i buy six boxes of them(after all, they say "limited edition" on the box-which i think is really just code for "we will charge you almost 4 dollars for 12 oreos). They don't like what i am serving for dinner-go ahead, eat 4 milky ways, i dont care. I really suck as a mom. As i have said before, I have no idea what i am doing and my boys are totally on to me.

So, a year later, we are back at chanukah. The holiday of miracles...the miracle of one night of oil lasting for eight nights, the miracle of husband #1 taking son #1 for a suit at the syms going out of business sale..(but, alas, there was no suit-so is it still a miracle? he came home with a belt...that's something, right?) and the miracle of buying gifts for my boys who are, actual, real life miracles. As i perused the aisles of target yesterday in search of some gifts(since i am the worst mom and hadn't gotten my miracles anything-i think i am still scarred from the polar fleece fiasco of 2005-who says boys don't cry-it was just a god dam sweatshirt, its not like i gave them homework for chanukah..geez, give your fat mom a break...)
Sorry, back to target. Nothing, i could find not one think that i thought they would like. Too old for coloring books and crayons(ahh, the good old days), can't buy a video game without preapproval because you can't return the game once it has left the store, books? yeah, that's funny. So i went to the department that i know best. Food.

That's right. For the first night of chanukah, son #1 got a family value size box of Honeycombs, son #2 got two packages of hershey bars(can you say dinner?) and son #3 got kit kats. I got laughs and big thank yous from two of the three sons, the third one will just have to learn to roll with the punches(both literally, and unfortunately, physically..why can't they just freakin get along?!)

My homemade latkas did get me some brownie points(though not from husband #1 because, what a surprise, he doesnt eat latkas even though i tried to convince him they are like flat french fries. The fact that i have to even try to convince a 41 year old man to eat anything still amazes me...but that's for another blog..)

so the moral of this story is when in doubt, the mantra of "food is love" can apply to any situation...even chanukah presents. I am hoping to pull off the gift of poland springs water bottle with the sports tops....it has the word sport in it-that's gotta count for something-right?

wishing all of you a happy and healthy holiday season...may we appreciate the gifts we get, the gifts we have and the gifts we give. That makes no sense, but my ambien is kicking in...

happy wednesday

sunday, december 11, 2011

2011-12-11T11:22:00.000-08:00

bring back the olden days...

today I went to go see the muppet movie with sons #2 and 3 and husband #1. I loved it. I realized that i loved it for many reasons, but the most important was that it brought me back to a different time. A time in my life when my grandparents were still alive, when everyone seemed healthy, when calories didn't count, when you could go to sleep when it was thundering and lighting outside and didn't worry about losing power or your basement flooding or roof leaking, when you didn't know what the word tuition meant and everyone seemed to be nice to each other and played well with others(well, i always seemed to have a problem with that one...). It made me think about sleepover parties and telling my parents that i was making myself lunch for school, when i was really just eating the lunch that i had made and was sneaking some tv on the teeny tiny black and white set they had in the kitchen...good times, simple, worry-free times. Man, this is going in a much more depressing direction than i originally intended...

though i am happy to report that today i am blogging from my new computer. This computer represents the end of a year long battle with husband #1 who kept insisting that his two older sons would let his youngest son type and print stuff for school on their laptops. I have to believe that he truly felt that this would happen and not that he was just trying to push off making the purchase.(see, i can be a positive thinker.) But, alas, that was never to be. I had to bring son #3 to Fair Lawn to use his grandparents computer and printer...others who live closer had offered, and it was appreciated, but there is nothing more fun than sitting in traffic on route 4 so your son can write a 5 sentence paragraph on the merits of sea travel to Asia....

But now that we have this computer and printer, i plan to take full advantage and put my writing to good use. I have no idea what that is, but i still dream that i will become famous and make people around the world laugh at me.(or is it with me...probably both.)

Hope you are all feeling well and having a nice day and that when you close your eyes, you can bring yourself to a happy place and then when you open your eyes, that happy place is right where you are....

Happy Sunday

Sunday December 4,2011

2011-12-04T11:41:00.000-08:00

Why are you screaming...they still aren't making the playoffs...

Due to technical difficulties, my first blog did not post, due to my technical difficulties, I had no idea how to fix that so, let's try again....

1. Son #1 wants me to blog about procrastinating...mrs.reichardt, if you are reading this, he is TOTALLY studying for history and not watching his beloved Vikings lose...again..

2. Danny Terio called from Solid Gold(was that his name?) he wants his sequins back....(if you wore them the first time around, perhaps reconsider wearing them the second time....I'm just saying...)

3. Congratulations to ET Dubin, the cutest player in tabc jr hockey(please moms of other cute children, don't take offense to that, he is sitting right here and wanted me to write that)for scoring an awesome goal last night..,

4. Someone explain to me how son #2 can click something on his computer and the printer in his room...up a flight of stairs...not connected to the computer...can print something. And with all that technology, I still gain weight from eating ice cream-can't there be an app for that?!?!?

5. Please husband #1, forgive me for making fun of you...but, if there wasn't so much to work with, I wouldn't have such great material....

6. Please think good thoughts and say a few prayers for all those who need it.....

Happy sunday

Wednesday November 23,2011

2011-11-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

Happy thanksgiving...

It's the eve of thanksgiving. I have been cooking and cleaning..vacuuming and dusting..all excited to host the thanksgiving feast tomorrow for friends and family. In years past, before kids, of course, the eve of thanksgiving meant staying out late at a party, going on a date(guess that was before husband #1), going to the movies, to a wedding...and being able to sleep late the next morning. I have fond memories of the drive to Brooklyn to have thanksgiving with my grandparents, shoveling delectable L&E stuffing in my mouth when my mom wasn't looking..good times. Then my three sons came and the eve was the same as every other-survival of the fittest.

But this year, with the boys practically grown(kidding...), I was looking forward to going to the movies with husband #1. I really and truly was. Until he walked in the door. Without even asking if there was anything he could do to help, he sat his ass down at the table and began to eat son #3's dinner. And this is why I should be on mood stabilizing medication....I lost it and told him to make his own freaking fish sticks.

Upon finding the freezer, husband #1 was startled at all of the shelves that a freezer contains and it took him a while, but he located the fish sticks(I'm lying, he had no idea where they were..son #1 had to get them for him.) and that is when the real fun began...

In his attempt to prove to me that he isn't really helpless and that his mother did teach him to be self sufficient, he dropped a fish stick on the floor and it gracefully slid under the oven. He was hoping that I missed it. He was hoping that the fish stick would live peacefully amongst the dust bunnies underneath the stove....but that was not to be. After using a pen, a wire hanger, a toothbrush, one of his son's arm and a fork...the naughty fish stick was retrieved. And placed in the garbage. This was a lot more entertaining than a movie....

And now he went back to synagogue...the place where he is safe from his psychotic wife....the place where he is free to be himself without anyone yelling at him(usually)..the place where he can be most thankful....

And I will be thankful for my house full of wonderful company, for the people I love and for football Sundays when I can go to the movies myself.

Hope you all have a wonderful holiday...

Happy Wednesday and happy birthday Amy and Beth!

Ps....this was post #300...thanks for reading!!!!

Monday November 14,2011

2011-11-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

Some things never change....

I went to a high school open house with son #2 yesterday. The parents and students were split up and went to different presentations. After standing through a 15 minute class on genetics, my back started to hurt, my feet were burning and yet another hot flash came upon me(though we are not sure if the hot flashes are age related, stress related or food allergy related-or, if they are just psychological...). These side affects were much different than the ones I developed when I was actually in high school-doodling, note passing and day dreaming(not sure if those are side affects or by products of adolescence..but, who cares.)

When that class was over, I had a selection of other interesting classes to choose from. But I chose to do what I usually did in high school-I cut class in search of food. While looking for the "amazing" food that people had told me about, I found something even better-my best friend from high school..we will call her Annie( though that is actually her name.) I think I have written about Annie before-we became friends when I bullied my way to be invited to her sleepover party in third grade(I did that?? Bully is a strong word...I asked nicely...) but alls well that ends well and we spent the next nine years being friends. She, the petite blonde and me, the not petite brunette. While we are standing there catching up about husbands and kids and life, we look at eachother and say "you look exactly the same!" now, I meant it, I hope she did too..but she does look exactly the same. When I met her son I said "hi, I'm your mom's friend who used to steall all of her snacks!" and he knew all about me...(well, hopefully, not all..)

Today I went to get my license renewed...four years ago I was thinking "man, I'm going to be 41 when I have to wait on this ridiculous line again"..,and there I was. When I went to get my picture taken, the woman asked if I wanted to use the same photo..."you mean I look exactly the same as I did four years ago??". I was thrilled....but then I wondered what was going to happen when they tell me I need to take a new picture..."I'm sorry ma'am, you are fatter and older and I'm not quite sure what color your hair is now...so maybe let's take a new photo in order not to confuse anyone...."

But until that day...Annie and I will still look as young as we did when we met...ok, maybe not 8 years old....

Happy Monday
Please continue to have haddasah Leah bat shoshana in your thoughts and prayers...

Monday November 7,2011

2011-11-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

With permission from hadassah Leah bat shoshana.....

There are so many things to be grateful for. The beautiful fall foliage that didn't fall on your home, car or person during last weeks storm. The gift of children or chocolate(not necessarily in that order-but if you ever get yourselves to max brenners, you must try the hazelnut cream covered in white chocolate and rolled in pistachios, because they are better than sex....oh, hope no one under 21 is reading this....) grateful for healthy parents(so you don't have to forcibly put them in a nursing home, unless of course, they deserve it...) grateful for friends who listen when you speak(or do a great job pretending to) and make you feel that you are as important as you think you are(or doing a great job pretending to)....We, and when I say we, I will just mean me, find it so easy to just take it all for granted.

And then something unbelievable crappy happens to a person you really like, who smiles all the time. And you go visit this person, who is still smiling and you still can't figure out why something so unbelievably crappy could happen to her. My expression of the day was "morbidly enjoyable." because today, my friend and I went to visit our smiling friend and spent the day laughing. (we also found out that vabene does not deliver to the hospital....soo not cool!!! But banji gump went and got it in record time...after all, there was food involved, a motivator to waddle faster through the streets of new York) We also had the pleasure of force feeding a really skinny doctor some really fattening food-which was so enjoyable to watch....We (and again, I mean me) decided that instead of forty people baking challah for our friend, we should get forty really skinny people from THE GYM to eat a whole challah....with a blessing...why not try something new.

Our friend has been overwhelmed by the generosity of spirit and time and cake that people have showed her...but that is how it should be. I mean, it would be ideal if no one ever got sick so no one would have to be kind and generous...(but hopefully still bake people cake) but until
that happens, she is so grateful for the outpouring of love and kindness. And if we could just be that way to each other all the time, for no reason at all, well, not only would it be a miracle, but it would make life so much more pleasant.

I am grateful for my smiling friend. I will be even more grateful when my friend is healthy and back home where she belongs....
Please keep Hadassah Leah bat shoshana in your thoughts and prayers.

Happy monday

Monday October 31,2011

2011-10-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

Holy crap...

I really thought I would have posted 300 times before my next birthday, but due to a combination of laziness, cooking, yelling at my kids and disasters both natural and imaginary, this will not be the case.

Holy crap I'm going to be 41 tomorrow and I'm waking up in my parents house, and not because I couldn't find my way home-wouldn't that be nice...but because of snow in October. Husband #1 and I were at a bar mitzvah in englewood when this disastrous storm occurred. How the mom and dad of the bar mitzvah boy remained so calm when 60 or so people had to rush inside to avoid the freezing temperatures and collapsing tent is beyond me. And I don't think they were medicated...and if they were, gimme some of that...I could learn from them...truth be told, I could learn lessons from many people, but, in one ear and out the other, I'm both afraid and sorry to say...

Friends of ours have a generator and they gave new meaning to the famous quote "give me your tired...." kids and grow ups and food and snacks and the mom is walking around with a smile and the dad is checking to make sure everyone is ok-simply amazing....6 or 7 families sleeping over...we deserted son #2 and son #3 because we couldn't get to them Saturday night and they were taken care of by their friends parents as if they were their own children-just remarkable.

And then, there is me(and this is my blog, so it's all about me) I'm getting so cranky that I snap at small children(and possibly some adults) my editing mechanism is almost on empty and I get hot flashes out of no where...but that's ok. Since I won't be getting any fine jewelry from kohls this year(since husband #1 was supposed to take the boys Saturday night and there was a state of emergency-he will basically use any excuse...I'm sure there was a Kmart open somewhere..)my gifts are my three boys(who need to get back to a normal routine before it ends badly)my friends who put up with my crap, my family(happy birthday to my favorite sister) and my health. Oh, and the guy who got my cell phone out of husband #1's car....the rest doesn't matter.

Happy monday

Wednesday october19,2011

2011-10-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Schnitzel, French fries and pasta....

I know how lucky I am...for the past five years, I have been able to kiss my boys whenever I want. When I go into their rooms to wake them up, I can kiss them as many times as they will allow...(and of course, it depends upon their mood.) I have received permission to share that information with you because I can only kiss them until they are bigger than I am(which is taking it's time, and with all the holidays, I keep expanding..plus, that will be up for negotiation when the time comes.) I love my boys-even when they fight and scream and make me want to run away from home, I love them and live for them.

Yesterday, when Gilad Shalit came home...I can only imagine his mom. Son #1 is having a challenging time digesting the exchange of 1 for 1000. As my friend Susan put it, this is his first ethical challenge-his first "shades of gray" dilemma. I read him the quote from facebook saying "we love our children more than we hate out enemies.." and I think that helped, a little, but he is also a boy and after a few minutes, he started playing madden on xbox and that was the end of the discussion, figures..men have short attention spans...

I was telling husband #1(who will be relieved when he can go back to work for a full 5 days..especially with his in laws coming this weekend) that the exchange is like the topic of abortion-no one should take away a womans right to choose, but if you think about the women who use this "right" as a form of birth control-it takes on a whole other ugly picture. So you just think about the positive....just to verify, husband #1 was not thrilled with this comparison, but I usually don't listen to him, which is why I still put it out there.

But Gilad is home, thank god, and his mom got to feed him schnitzel, French fries and pasta and I'm sure that made her the happiest woman in the world.

Never forget the things that make you happy!

Happy wednesday

Wednesday October 5,2011

2011-10-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my world....

The phone rings, son #3 answers, I watch him as he nods his head, says "ok, she's right here," and he hands me the phone. "mom," he says very seriously, "the man says it's very important that he speaks to you..."

Telemarketer...needs to ask me about my water...this is a true conversation..
"ma'am, does your water have a strange taste or smell?"

I respond, "should it?"

"ma'am, do you have a water filtration system of any kind?"

I respond, "should I?"

"ma'am, how many people in your household use the water for cooking or cleaning?"
I respond, "one."

"ma'am, how many people are in your household?"

I respond, "five."

"ma'am, there are five people in your household and only one uses the water for cooking and cleaning?"

I respond, "yes, just me, the other four are boys and they don't know how to cook or clean."

That'll teach him to tell my kid he has something important to tell his mom....if only I was making it up...

Wishing all of you an easy fast, a happy, healthy and prosperous new year filled with only good outcomes and happy surprises-like, maybe, perhaps, someone else in your household learning how to use the water for cooking or cleaning....

Happy Wednesday

Saturday september24, 2011

2011-09-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

And the old get older..and hotter...and I don't mean the good kind of hotter...

Tonight was date night with son #1. we went to the mall. He needed pants. He has a 26 inch waist...maybe smaller. He doesn't take after me(no, really? I wasn't even born with a waist that small..) so off to abercrombie we went, where skinny son tried on skinny pants, of course this was after the 17 year old salesperson looked at me and remarked "these slims are for you? What are you on crack? We have nothing in this store that would fit you...except maybe the socks.." ok, I exaggerated that conversation, but my version was funnier. Actually, the reality was skinny son shouting to fat mom over the music that was so loud that my brain is still vibrating inside my head and my hearing is worse than when I entered the store. I also was in the middle of a wicked hot flash and kept asking everyone if it was hot in the store, but no one could hear me because the music was so loud. Then skinny son came bursting out of the dressing room with the skinny pants too big around the waist(shocking) and he went on a quest for a belt. I suggested we try getting a belt at syms(yes, I am married to a man from monsey, thanks for asking) and skinny son looked at me with that "you can't wear pants from abercrombie with a belt from syms....duh..."

I hear ya kid, but the last time your father spent that much money on a belt, I think it was for something going into his car...do ya wanna give your dad a heart attack or something?!?!?! We didn't get the belt. So hopefully, husband #1 will be around for many years to come. We also didn't get the pants because I had ordered them online..so my question is, can you wear a belt from syms with pants from a&f that you ordered on line? I will be wearing my favorite suit from value city over the holidays(15 dollars, I kid you not, of course I think it's made out of Teflon and I can turn the jacket into a frying pan after I wear it...) hopefully, this riveting tale will end with skinny son having pants that fit him and if we have to spring for the belt, well, he is such a good kid and really doesn't eat that much, we will get him the belt.

Here's wishing all of you a waist size that makes you happy and a year filled with good health, happiness and only wonderful things.

Happy Saturday(technically, it's now Sunday...)

Sunday september 18,2011

2011-09-18T06:49:00.000-07:00

What to do..what to do..

So it seems I haven't written anything in a while...and it hasn't been for lack of subject matter. School started, the 10th anniversary of September 11th, a new baby Jonah blessed this world, good things, bad things..hakuna matata-the circle of life..blah blah blah. Every day is filled with things that make us angry, make us laugh, make us cry....hopefully each day has more smiles than frowns(though with all the hunger among us, frowns seems to be prevalent..but I digress)

And in just a few weeks, the Jewish new year is upon us. When we seek forgiveness, look forward to a new start and pray that we aren't struck down by lightning, or worse, in the coming year. My feeling has always been that I am who I am and you always know where you stand with me. Biting my tongue has never been a forte of mine, especially since I like to eat so much and without a tongue, well, eating is pretty much out of the question. We all need to be accountable for the things we say and do. That is just life. But what I am finding is that despite how difficult I am, god has blessed me with these amazing kids who continue to teach me and try desperately to help make me a better person. And when they realize that that might never happen, they let me have a piece of chocolate. Some of us are crazy, some of us are strict, some of us are over protective, but we all do what we think is best and only time will tell if we did something right.

Funnier blog to follow....

Happy sunday

Tuesday,september 6, 2011

2011-09-06T18:23:00.000-07:00

Here we go again.....

The summer is over. The back packs are packed. Lunches are in the fridge. I'm going to sleep before 10 pm. How the hell am I getting son #2 out of bed to catch the bus at 7:25. It's not fair. I know some of you have to wake up for earlier buses, for younger kids, for frisky spouses, but I don't and I'm not happy about this early wake up thing. He sleeps like a log. I have to wake him 4-5 times and he doesn't even remember the first 3-4!!! This year is not going to be pretty....,

As for school supplies....I officially protest the 12 dozen sharpened pencils, post its, scissors and glue sticks. No more. As for pens, I borrowed enough from the classy hotels we stayed in on our road trip to fulfill 1/3 of the required amounts...if they need more, get em from the kids whose parents donate extra money to the school...I'm tapped out, dude!

And speaking of our road trip-baseball trip #6 was awesome. No bed bugs, grilled cheese maker rocked, kids got autographs and more baseballs(cause we can never have too many balls...you know I had to say it...) and even though the Yankees beat the red sox, fenway is my new favorite stadium, replacing pnc park in Pittsburgh(what is she talking about?!) boys got along 95% of the time, husband #1 and I got along 85% of the time and the weather was stunning. Our basement is almost stench free(god bless my friend Sarah for marrying Daniel...he's totally awesome) and the kids start school tomorrow. Now if only this rain would stop....

Good luck to all starting a new adventure in learning tomorrow...better you than me!

Happy tuesday

Monday, august 29,2011

2011-08-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

Coming to you live.....

A first for me, I am blogging to you live from Rogers stadium in Toronto Canada. The blue jays are beating the Tampa bay rays 5-2 and we are heading into the fifth inning. The kosher food stand only takes cash, which is a problem because we carry very little of it. They no longer have knishes, even though they are listed on the website, so I am hungry and cranky(so what's new) oh wait, jonny Damon just hit his second homerun, so now it's 5-3...please don't be a tie game, please don't go into extra innings..after the day I've had, that might push me over the edge....

For some reason, my kids seem to be on the same bickering schedule as they were on their nursing schedules-every 15-45 minutes...did I do that to them? If I had stretched out their schedules would they fight less? How come the parenting magazines don't have any articles about that? When they get along, my heart swells with joy, and when they bicker...well let's just say I pretend I don't know them. There is a couple on a date behind us and I think the guy has gotten a vasectomy while at the game after listening to my kids fight...but all kids fight, right?

As for Irene...my wonderful neighbor informed me that my basement is a float....I hope my house forgives me for abandoning him in his time of need, and I hope my wonderful neighbor forgives me for leaving her in charge and driving her crazy...but it's only stuff, what matters most is family-and the adorable kids sitting next to me. Oh wait, those are someone else's kids...

Happy Monday...next stop..Rochester..don't be jealous..

Sunday august 28, 2011

2011-08-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

Worst parents ever....

What exactly were husband #1 and I thinking when we decided to leave for our baseball trip at 10 pm last night?? We were thinking. NOTHING!!!!!! I hope everyone reading this is safe and your homes are relatively unscathed, but last night, I made more deals with god than I ever thought possible. One of them, was that I will try not to use inappropriate language so much....but after three harrowing hours, and when I say harrowing, I mean final destination movie harrowing, we got up to our room and the bathroom, aside from the friendly roaches that greeted us, smelled like poop...but I used the inappropriate word, but then justified that it didn't count because I was using it to actually describe the poop, not using it because I dropped or broke something...so I think I'm still in the clear...

I have to give a shout out to husband #1...I don't know how he got us here safely....hope the rest of the trip is calmer....as for the hotel room, I'm grateful that they held it for us, but there is no way I'm paying full price because aside from the roaches and the malodorous odor...they didn't have any more cots and three of us had to share a bed....now that is family bonding...

Stay safe everyone

Happy sunday

Thursday august 25, 2011

2011-08-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

Where has the time gone....

Frankly, I'm disappointed in myself that I have not blogged in almost two weeks. I have no explanation..especially since husband #1 is annoyed that I continued blogging past my 40th birthday, and I enjoy annoying him and I've still gone two weeks without a word. Perhaps its because the three aliens have reinvaded my hemisphere of solitude. I've been doing laundry and making meals and cleaning the kitchen and cleaning up those wayward drops of pee that seem to either miss the toilet or remain on the seat because one of the aliens was too lazy to pick it up before he went....and life is back to normal..or as normal as my life is.

And now we have the issue of hurricane Irene...six years ago we decided the boys were too old to keep going to sesame place, hence the ganchrow family baseball road trip began. This year, we are adding the bonus of driving through a hurricane to the itinerary-not enough to see the buffalo bisons, Toronto blue jays, Rochester rodents(can't remember the name of the team) and the Boston red sox, we want to show the boys what it's like to get stranded on the highway in the middle of a hurricane-that will be a true test of my marriage....I can't wait. Hopefully, we will be interviewed by some local yocal news channel and when the reporter asks "why would you choose to leave during the most powerful hurricane of the decade?". I can answer, "well, my husband paid for the tickets already and those minor league games can really cost a bundle.." and then we will offer the reporter something from our white trash cooler...since there is no way Jose that we are paying for any beverages on this trip....ya, as I said, I can't wait.

I'm hoping that god will protect our van, fuzzy dice and all, like he did the Jews in the desert...and that we will make it to our destinations, our motel 6's and all the other fun things we have planned.

And let us all say....amen..

Happy thursday

Friday august 12,2011

2011-08-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

Me and plaxico....
Week 7

So this week started out with husband #1 and I going to a lecture on narcissism. The man spoke about being nicer and friendlier to people, holding the door open for others, but really concentrating on improving the relationship with your spouse. Well folks, when the lecture was over, the same people who don't say hello to me because I am so thin that I'm invisible, still ignored me...I held the door open for about thirty people and no one said thank you and then husband #1 almost left me to walk home in the torrential rain. Basically proving my point that these lectures are ridiculous and you should just stick to what you know....

What I know is that I listen to waayyy to much mike and the mad dog when husband #1 is driving and on our way back from our "mini-moon"(which is code for going to a hotel for one night...but it was lovely) we were listening to mike interview plaxico burress..the newest member of the jets football organization. So I am now going to tie in the lecture on narcissism and plaxico burress and banji ganchrow.

Plaxico was asked if he learned anything in jail..well, I thought he was going to say "yes, never bend down to pick up your toothbrush" or "if you are going to carry an unregistered fire arm, don't shoot yourself in the foot"....but instead he spoke of the importance of family. Now, my family has been away from me for only seven weeks...what have I learned? I learned it is possible to go seven weeks with pulling your hair out and wanting to lock yourself in a closet and scream at the top of your lungs.....no, just kidding...I learned that camp should be longer than seven and a half weeks....no, just kidding...I didn't really learn anything..I'm hoping the time away will make them better kids, I mean make me a better, calmer mom...and if it didn't, perhaps I will shoot myself in the foot, go to jail for two years and then get a really big contract with a sports team.

Wait, I think I got off track somewhere....oh well, I tried.

Happy Friday...

Saturday august 6,2011

2011-08-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

Lazy week 6....

Yes, I will admit I have been lazy. I haven't blogged all week and even though husband #1 is happy about that, I would like to apologize to those of you that support my narcissism..

So if this was week 6, that means that week 7 is about to begin, which means that week 7 1/2 is around the corner and the boys will be back. With 6 trunks of laundry. How can you miss your kids and not want them to come home all at the same time? Does that question mean I'm a bad mother? I've so enjoyed not screaming so loud that it feels my head will pop off of my shoulders....I enjoy not doing laundry three times a week and running a 24 hour diner....Is that wrong? Enough of the hypotheticals....here's the week in review...unless you've already fallen asleep...

Husband #1 and walked the high line and then went on the circle line...very touristy...and surprisingly enjoyable. When we told son#1 where we were, he thought we were kidding as he is used to his father being on the upstairs couch watching some sort of sporting event, and his mother being down in the bunker watching reruns of law & order and ironing....

One day this week I had the pleasure of visiting the museum of tv&radio, where I got to watch old episodes of mad about you, fantasy island, I love Lucy and the intellectual classic Melrose Place. Now that was good tv...

Though the highlight of the week was discovering that all of the annoying squirrels in teaneck are not Jewish. How do I know this? Well, the package I left for son #1( don't worry, there was stuff in there for the other 2..) was attacked by a squirrel. The kind gentleman who transports these nut-free packages for me sent me an email with the news of the attack....upon arriving at the scene, I discovered that the anti-semetic
squirrel neatly ate one corner of the pull apart challah(including part of the tin it came in..) he also ate part of the envelope and letter that was going to son #1, but did not touch the pound of cookies or any of the snacks going to son #3....clearly not a Jewish squirrel....I even took a picture of the challah(since husband #1 would not let me cut off the nibbled portion and send the rest up to camp) to show the boys when they came home, because son #1 is convinced that I got hungry and just blamed in on the unsuspecting rodent...nice, right?

And then we get to the weekend, where the holycrapiam40 part comes in....my dear friend from the island of long came to town for the weekend and she gave me a cortisone injection for the mean angry neuroma in my foot...as some of you may recall, though most of you don't care because, frankly, why should you, I had one of these shots in December before the half marathon and it held up pretty well until a few weeks ago, but now that I have accepted the age of the everything-is-falling-apart, it's good to have a podiatrist as a friend, who also takes your insurance...and hopefully knows what she is doing(just kidding my friend, my foot is still attached so so far, so good....)

Here's wishing all of you a pain free week filled with friends who can take away the pain if you end up having any....

Happy sunday

Friday July 29,2011

2011-07-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

What do we really know anyway...

With all the boys out of the house, and no one to parent, except for husband #1, we decided to go to a parenting lecture entitled " how to discipline your kids without yelling screaming or bribing." truthfully, I didn't know there was any other way besides medicating or inebriating(which would be wrong on so many levels). So off to the lecture we went...the saying may go "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" but I was hopeful that with good refreshments and a little encouragement, you never know.

Boy, was I wrong. No refreshments. A room full of parents that haven't reached puberty yet- so I'm not even sure how they are parents and a lecturer with an agenda. She didn't really want to make me a better parent for free, she wanted to make me a better parent for the low low price of 149.99 plus shipping and handling...CDs, cassettes or vhs. This is what I came out in the pouring rain for? I could've stayed home and watched the middle on the dvr-now that is real parenting. None of this "the consequence should reflect the action" bulldoody...if one brother hits the other brother, taking his computer away for a month is a perfectly logical consequence.

Then she told me that if I speak nicely to my good friends, why would I scream at my children when they are more precious to me. A lightbulb went on over my head-hey, she's right, I should be nicer to my kids because they ARE more precious to me. But then it dawned on me that I'm not even that nice to my friends so I'm really screwed. My poor boys...it's a good thing we take them on baseball trips or they would never love me....ok, I exaggerate, they do love me, because I'm the only mom that believes that fruit by the foot is a healthy snack...

Happy Friday

Monday July 26,2011

2011-07-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

It all began with a dream...

I started this blog because I wanted a place to bitch and moan about getting old, hitting the milestone of forty...comparing the fluffiness and fun of the eighties, to the life of an almost middle aged housewife....good times. I've mentioned many "firsts at 40", well, today was another....my first physical at 40.

When you went to the doctor when you were little, gaining weight and growing was fun and exciting...not so much now. Fortunately, the nurse trusted me to tell her my weight without actually getting on the scale...I told her the truth, more or less(or less) but then she took my blood pressure which was really high because I was so scared she would make me get on the scale...so I took a normal bmi but got high blood pressure.(fortunately, she took it again and it was back down to normal...normal being a relative term for anything involving me...)

The doctor came in and the real fun began. She was lovely and we had a wonderful, honest conversation..which was refreshing. And after the conversation, she still didn't put me on mood disorder medication, which was a relief....but you can only fool some of the people some of the time....hmmmmm....so after we talked and I had my exam I was given a prescription for blood work, a chest xray( you are forty now, always good to have a baseline) and an envelope with an adorable little test kit for my...poop. Less invasive than a colonoscopy, but really? I have to send poop in the mail? I feel bad for the poor schmuck who has to open those envelopes....and then she told me to take calcium and vitamin d, just like the old ladies in the geritol commercials....fantastic, frail and forty.

Hope I don't break a hip on the way to the pharmacy.....

Happy monday

Sunday, July 24,2011

2011-07-24T19:28:00.000-07:00

Week three and four in review..

It seems that I have over looked blogging about two weeks of my summer. Has the suspense been killing you? Have you been lying awake at night wondering what I have been doing to pass my time? No? You haven't? It's ok because since I'm so old, I can't really remember what I've been doing...so pathetically sad....but I know I'm having a great time, I think. I've cleaned out several closets...been to many movies-some good(horrible bosses) some not so good(Larry crowne). Eaten at some good restaurants(deli kasbah) and some not so good(smokey joes...how is that place still open? The barbecue brisket is still repeating itself(another joy of getting old))...embraced the heat and walked about 40 miles this past week...(and yet, I always end up in the same place...) and now I'm preparing for week 5.

The summer is flying by...hope you are all enjoying yourselves..

Happy sunday

Thursday July 21,2011

2011-07-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

Man it's hot out....

Yesterday, I spent a lovely day in new York city. I decided it was time to see the alexander McQueen exhibit at the met. For those of you who don't know who he is, he was a famous fashion designer who, unfortunately, killed himself. Being the fashionista that I am, I sauntered(waddled) into the museum in my new loubitans(crocs) wearing a pucci(macys) frock after just having my hair done by Vidal sasoon(is that guy even around anymore??)

What I wasn't expecting was the 45 minute line to see this exhibit...I began to wonder if Alexander was brought back to life and that's why it was so crowded. I passed the time by people watching, and after I had determined how many women were fatter that me(unfortunately, it was a very skinny day at the met...)I realized that the museum people has snaked the line through the Mesopotamia exhibit....why haven't you heard of that? Because that is the part of the museum that everyone just walks through to get to the better parts...so it made me feel a little better that even though I was the fattest on line, at least the skinny minis were giving Mesopotamia a chance....

When finally entering the exhibit, I was disappointed to see that keeping us on a line had nothing to do with making the exhibit less crowded-it was wall to wall people...and I don't do well with that. My spin bike has to be in Siberia so I have plenty of personal space-us big gals need our breathing room...... I quickly looked at all of his pieces-I must say, very impressive, I'm surprised chicos hasn't copied any of his work-some of his skirts got pretty wide at the hip area...but all in all, it just made me sad that with as many people he had in his life, he still felt lonely enough to end it. Perhaps hanging out with skinny models is not the best idea for any of us.....lesson learned.

Happy thursday

sunday july 17, 2011

2011-07-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

dont be a hater....

Some people go on decadent vacations...the ritz carlton..the four seasons..the waldorf. Please dont be jealous, but i am blogging to you live from the Courtyard by Marriot in Kingston, Ny. Not only is this luxurious hotel nestled between a target and an applebees BUT, since the elevator is broken and we had to walk up 17 flights to our room(I exagerrate..poetic license..) we are getting a COMPLIMENTARY COLD BREAKFAST tomorrow...please, as i said before, dont be jealous. You too can get a free night at this lovely resort. After i finish writing this short masterpiece, we will be swimming in the pool(indoor) and then watching a movie in our room. Oh wait, they dont have pay per view so we will be watching a lifetime original movie-hope it has tori spelling in it...

so another week has gone by...today was visiting day and i have to say, poo poo poo, it went very well. The boys did not start fighting until we were together for over an hour....miraculously, an angel at lake como pizza was related to the owner and saved us a very very long wait for pizza(god bless people from maine) i tried a lovely flavor of ice cream at dj's(something white chocolate and rasberry...very tasty...) and a good time was had by all. Then we barbqued with good friends(well, the friends barbqued and i ate...something i am very good at) and now, as you know, i am basking in the moonlite in kingston...not to be confused with the moonlight bungalow that I basked in all weekend-which was very enjoyable, but we will delve into that subject another time...for now...i am going to spend quality time with husband number one and will be dreaming of the possibilities of what will be served to me for breakfast.....

happy sunday

Wednesday July 13,2011

2011-07-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

Never ask why.....

Couldn't let today go by without writing something. In a world where so many bad, tragic, horrible things happen, we are never supposed to ask why. Innocent kids get sick..go through painful treatments..some live, some die and we are supposed to have faith and not question.

Poor leiby but poor leiby's mom...she is going to ask why....probably every day for the rest of her life-how could she not? How is she supposed to have faith? Where is that going to come from? If anyone has an answer to that, I would love to hear it.

May leiby's neshamah have an Aliyah and may we all remember how sick we feel about what happened to him the next time we start screaming at our kids......

Sunday july 10,2011

2011-07-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Week two in review...

Bed bugs are a big pet peeve of mine, I'm a little too familiar with the bed bug registry website(especially with all the classy motel 6's and red roof inns we stay at on our baseball trips) so nothing made me happier than receiving the email from the boys camp exclaiming "bed bugs are here"....like color war or uncle moishey...fortunately, alls well that ends well and the camp handled it very professionally and effeciently. Of course I will not be letting the boys back into their home, but that's another story and we won't be telling them just yet...

The Brooklyn bridge....it did not collapse under my weight-I had been worried when I read it was a suspension bridge..you never know. Went on the subway-and even though I might dress like I live in a subway tunnel, I am not a fan. Came home and washed the grime off. Good news, we actually shared this adventure with another couple...something we rarely do because even though lots of people read my blog, not many of those people like me..so a big shout out to our friends from the island of long for possibly committing social suicide by hanging with us..we won't mention your names to protect your identity.

Dancing to the 80's at Lincoln center...awesome. Felt like I was at a sweet 16 for really big losers but it was so much fun. The reason why husband #1 and I are still together(possibly the only reason) is because we can make each other laugh..at one another, at the group of people wearing neon outfits(very 80s) at the 6"5 man wearing a long brown wig....it's all good....

And the weekend....we could not agree on what to do so on this beautiful sunny day, husband #1 is napping on the couch because I made him walk to and from lunch(less than 3 miles..at a glacial place) I told him that I wouldn't make fun of him, but all I can say is thank god he wasn't part of the Jews crossing the desert because it would not have ended well for him....enough said.

Hope you are all enjoying your summer

Happy sunday

Monday July 4,2011

2011-07-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

Week in review

My boys camp sends out a video at the end of the week to point out the highlights...as I am unable to make an actual video, this will be my version of "my boys are away for 7 1/2 weeks and I'm left at home with husband #1" week one.(there is music in the background of the camp video, so pick favorite eighties tune and let your imagination run wild)

Take boys to the bus, son #1 remembers he left the value pack of frozen hot dogs in the freezer(which I told him not to buy because I'm pretty sure they have food in camp) husband #1 hops in the car and successfully delivers the hot dogs before the bus pulls away(to the tune of the theme to the lone ranger)

Two beautiful weddings, totally different, but what united both was that this fat chick noticed they have gotten rid of the margarine option next to the bread. Olive oil, yes, tomato salad thing, yes...but no transfat,down to earth really bad for your arteries margarine. Yes, I'm aware that I'm the only one who noticed it and yes, I'm aware that the skinny folk wouldn't even noticed if they got rid of the bread, but I'm making a plea to the caterers out there-bring back my little pretty shaped pat of margarine. Thank you and may all of the wishes of the happy couples come true.

Husband #1 lost his philharmonic virginity....he didn't even fall asleep...priceless

Weekend-great food, great conversations...but the highlight, was receiving a text from son #1 asking for detergent. Detergent? Is it still being used to clean clothes? Have teenage boys found something new to do with detergent because I'm pretty sure that my kids haven't a clue what to do with it. Should I be hopeful that son #1 will come home with a new skill? (yes, I know the answer...but I sent him some anyway..of course)

But in truth, the best part of week one was watching the Yankees NOT sweep the Mets...I know my priorities after all....

Happy monday

Sunday June 26,2011

2011-06-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Why I'm a good mom even though I made my kids walk home from the orthodontist and I'm happy they are leaving for camp.....

By, banji d latkin-ganchrow

I am a good mom because I nursed my kids for a combined total of 30 months and gave up drugs and alcohol to do so.

I am a good mom because I do my kids laundry, each child separately in order not to confuse anyones socks, boxers or wife-beaters, even though they all pretty much wear the same size, but god forbid son #1 should get son #2's socks, because they have cooties and the world would come to an end.

I am a good mom because I don't force feed my children food they don't like(so bad mom in the eyes of the American pediatric association, good mom in the eyes of my nutritionally deficient children).

I am a good mom because I make my kids laugh, even though it is usually at me instead of with me.

I am a good mom because I let my kids watch tv during the school year(criticize all you want you know it all moms with the well disciplined children..I only have sons and I have to get all the brownie points I can get before they settle on a nursing home for me...)

I am a good mom because I can admit the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing and each day is a crap shoot.

I am a good mom because even though I made them walk home from the orthodontist, the alternative would have gotten me put in jail.....

And though I am giddy and gleeful that they are leaving me tomorrow for 7 1/2 weeks, I love them more than anything in the world(including husband #1..is that wrong?) and I will miss them everyday...for at least 3 minutes....

Happy sunday

Sunday June 19,2011

2011-06-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

Fathers day

My favorite part of fathers day is looking through all of the catalogues at the "gifts for dad."....the selection is really quite amazing. Now this year, I got my dad a new garbage can, as the squirrels in fair lawn have feasted mightily upon his old cans, so I thought this would be a thoughtful, yet practical gift. When you ask my dad what he wants for any occasion, he always responds "shalom bayit"( a peaceful house) and since I'm not great with that, I thought a garbage can would suffice.

But in looking for the perfect gift for husband #1, I go through the wares of various stores. Hmmm, should I get him new boxers?(and will he magically turn into the hot model wearing them?). Should I get him a hat that comes with an attached fan so it will keep him cool while he is gardening?(does he know if we have a garden?) ooh, what about the useful barbque tongs that also double as a radio, thermometer and lighting rod? That would come in handy when he is watching me grill. Oh, this one is good, the power tool...hmm, should I get the chain saw in red or blue? (does life insurance cover chainsaw "accidents"??) Ah, the perfect gift..a crafstman tool set from sears-but then, we would never talk to our neighbors because we wouldn't need to borrow screwdrivers, or Alan wrenches, or hammers and nails, oh my!

Maybe, just maybe, the perfect gift would be if I didn't make fun of him in this blog..(is it too late for that?) have no fear, the boys got him a Yankees "worlds greatest dad" tshirt...(probably to make me feel bad, because it's always about me) but I'm happy to report that he really is a great dad and his boys are lucky to have him.

Happy fathers day

Happy sunday

Friday June 17,2011

2011-06-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

What would mom have done...

I have often said that the iPad is the greatest invention. I keep it next to my bed and when I'm awake in the middle of the night, I can go online. I can facebook stalk people, yes, I am publicly admitting it. I also admit that, at times, I get a bit carried away, but if you are going to post pictures, and I'm not sure what someone is doing in that picture, I have to do some facebook research(stalking) and find out what it's all about. Anyway, not the point I'm going for.

It's graduation season. I have been looking at picture after picture of the beautiful graduates. Kids that I have known for almost their entire lives...and the only question I have is did anyone who graduated with me in 1984 from elementary school get their hair done for graduation??????? Was I the only one who didn't? Now I know that I am one of the few and proud who doesn't get coiffed before various parties, but was I supposed to start back in 84?? Is that where I went wrong?

My mom used to get a perm that made her hair look like someone put a bowl on it and curled the ends around the edge of the bowl...it was real classy(sorry mom, but I've been making fun of that hair style for years) My paternall grandmother, who was quite the looker, used to go to the beauty parlor every week and had gorgeous, thick, fake blonde hair almost her entire life. And then, there is me, who gets her hair cut twice a year and usually wears it up in a clip. My point being, where did I go wrong? Is this something else I can blame on my mom?

So I took out my 1984 yavneh academy yearbook....and there we were..the beauties of graduation. Nope, not a one had their hair professionally done...and we all survived....barely. Guess I will have to find something else to blame on my mom...

Happy Friday and congratulations to the class of 2011. May all your dreams come true....

Frday June 10,2011

2011-06-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Weiners, wieners everywhere......

As many of you know I am not very political(or very bright) but this whole wiener thing has gotten me very upset. How many politicians have not been involved in some sort of scandal? How many politicians have not showed their wiener to a woman other than their wife? How many politicians live perfect, puritanical lives?

As a woman who lives in a house full of weiners, I fully support the big weiner in question(that would be Anthony, not a euphemism for husband #1) and hope he continues on his quest for mayor, governor, president..whatever dream he wants to fulfill-I support him(not financially, of course, nor can I vote for him-wait, is he a democrat?) because I believe that what a weiner chooses to do with his wiener has nothing to do with what he can do politically. (take, for example, the current wiener in charge of our country-no sex scandals, and look how fantastic he is doing....) so let's just leave this weiner alone.

And while we are on this subject, there was an article in the times(which we only got for two days while my parents were here) on mens swimsuits and how some styles are more flattering than others(which i really didnt understand because there is only so much you can do with a mens bathing suit, but, whatever...)This ties in with my weiner themed blog because two summers ago, I was at the swim club with someone, and I won't say who because I don't want to embarrass him, but it may or may not be someone I am currently or no longer married to, and while gazing at him in his lounge chair, my eyes happened upon something that should not have been showing, so I fully support the longer male swimsuit...don't care if it makes his legs look shorter or his belly bigger....some weiners need to stay out of the sun.

And there you have it.

Happy Friday

Monday June 6,2011

2011-06-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

The art of exercise

In the early eighties, I had the joy of working out with Richard simmons. He came out with an exercise album(to be played on my ultra cool stereo)entitled Reach(I think that was the title...the record is still with the rest of my precious collection safe and sound within the confines of my white Formica bedroom set from rooms plus, god rest its retail soul)anyway, in those days, you couldn't see what he was doing(which is probably a good thing) but he would describe the exercises to you and you were able to follow along, more or less.

Then there was the Jane Fonda workout...to be played on your ultra modern video tape machine. I liked that workout mainly because I would put it in the machine, my mom would think chubby banji was partaking in some sort of physical activity that didn't involve climbing up on a kitchen chair to see what baked goods were being hidden from her, and then, with my mom safe upstairs, I would take a nap on the couch. It was win-win.

Over the years I have been to many gyms and have taken many different classes( no, really, I have, but thanks for playing into my low self esteem)I have always prided myself on being the fat chick who could keep up with the teacher. But, I'm sorry to report, that all of that changed today. My friend and I went back to the scene of the aquasize fiasco to try a "step II" class. There was no "step I" class being offered and since I hadn't taken a step class since the 90's, I figured how bad could it be.

It was bad. I think the teacher was on speed or maybe she wasn't a real teacher, but some sort of avatar that someone was pressing fast forward on because she was doing things on and off the step at the speed of light and I thought I was moving in slow motion, backwards,
with my feet in thick mud. It was the twilight zone of step classes and I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants.

We left the class and went down to the front desk to ask why the class was so complicated and why there was no beginners version and the lady said "oh, the classes here are very difficult." and all I wanted to say was, " Excuse me, but I was a member of THE GYM, where the most elite malnourished women in Bergen county spend their days burning calories that they dont consume and I kept up with them just fine...your gym sucks." but, I didn't. My friend and I did the treadmill and will have fond memories of the establishment that we will not be joining,

Happy monday

Sunday June 5,2011

2011-06-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

I love a parade....

So I'm lying in bed, it's 210 pm, and ive already been to the Israeli day parade, watched 2/3rds of my kids march(sorry son #1, you just didn't coordinated with our very busy schedule)came home from the city, had a lovely lunch with the two kids we saw march, actually, three kids, if you include husband #1 who still thinks he is the mayor of the parade....and I'm so tired I can't even move. Frankly, I find the whole thing rather depressing. I was too tired to walk around and socialize...I sat in the grandstand seats with a bunch of old folks and I actually fit right in!!

My thoughts on the parade are as follows.....just like obama wants to cut the borders of the state of Israel, so has the parade route been cut. Didn't we used to march past 86th street? When did the route get so short? Are we encouraging our kids to be lazy? I'm assuming the route has gotten shorter because security has gotten more expensive and not because they are methodically trying to cut the parade down to five blocks and a hearty handshake..who knows. And don't ask me who "they" are because I haven't the foggiest idea. All I know is that I'm so tired I need to go take a nap. Because I'm over 40...and because I thought it would be a good idea to get my walk in at 8 o clock in the morning....not such a good idea...

Happy Sunday

Wednesday June 1,2011 happy birthday Jed Andrew latkin

2011-06-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Another first at forty

Since I have turned 40, I have had the privelage to experience many different firsts...the first time I realized that there were so many grays on my head that pulling them out with a tweezers would only make me bald, the first time I said "man, it's really hot in here" and everyone else in the room was freezing, the first time I had an "I'm 40" mammography, the first time I realized it was easier to read without my glasses, and then there was what happened today. My friend and I, for the first time, and I'm sorry that we didn't invite more people to come because laughter IS the best medicine....we did AQUASIZE. In a pool. With other people watching.

Let me begin by saying that my friend is much younger than I am. And when I say much, she still has a 3 as the first digit. Between the two of us, the average age in the pool came down about 40 years...When we get to the class, the lifeguard with the two hearing aids speeds over to us with his walker a-blazing and says "ladies, you are going to need to wear some sort of plastic over your heads because your hair is too long." wait, there is a pool full of 85 year old women with possible bladder control problems and I need to put a bag over my head? Yes, we did. My friend and I put these adorable and fashionable little white plastic garbage bags over our heads....and the fun began.

Aside from feeling like we were on the set of cocoon...it was quite humorous. Now I am fully aware that if god grants me the ability to live to an old age, I am going to be one cranky bitch-but, I hope I will be able to have a lovely pink hairdo and green eye shadow, with matching earrings, and be able to get my fat tushy into an aqua size class-because these women were having a ball. And I think the two men were also enjoying themselves.

As for my friend and I...well, we were just happy that we didn't see anyone we knew.....

Happy wednesday

Friday may 27,2011

2011-05-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

Here comes the sun....

Memorial day weekend. The start of summer. Got my bikini ready, husband #1 just bought a new speedo and we are ready to take our act to the jersey shore. Some woman on the news just said that she lives in new jersey because of the beautiful beaches...um, I've never been to the beautiful beaches. I thought I lived in new jersey because there are so many synagogues-who knew? I'm wondering if I should put the jersey shore on the list of places I need to visit when the kids go to camp....or, I could just go to my favorite neighbor's swimming pool(kissing ass here) and pretend I'm at the shore. That sounds much better..no traffic...no annoying kids building sandcastles and no lifeguards mistaking me for a whale and calling everyone out of the water. I'm going with that option(if my favorite neighbor let's me, of course)

Here's wishing all of you a great memorial day weekend and may the beginning of bathing suit season only bring you joy and greater self esteem.

Happy friday

Sunday may 22,2011

2011-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

80's in HD

As some of you know, I'm a huge fan of the 80's. The music, the eyebrows, the shoulder pads..love love love that era(oh god, I'm so old I'm recalling an era...) anyway, last night a bunch of us were shown the movie Dirty Dancing. Apparently, the first time I "saw" this movie, I didn't really see it because I was too busy doing something else during the movie that I can't go into, but the next 50 times I watched it, I really fell in love with. I'm a big Jerry orbach fan, lord rest his soul, and the whole thing just puts a smile on my face.

The movie was being shown in high definition. This put a whole new spin on it.."wow, look how bad her skin is"....."look how much makeup he is wearing"....HD, though great for watching hot hockey players, was not so great for watching an 80's movie..it was like our perceptions of what all of these actors looked like was being shattered. I began thinking about what if we put all of our past life experiences in high definition...would those memories be as great as we thought?(oh my, this is not going in the direction i thought it would...)

At my cuties 3 year old birthday party I was thinking remember how easy life was when we were little? When the biggest decision we had to make was which sesame street character we wanted on our juice box? When did it all go so horrible wrong? (ok, now I am just being dramatic). I need to keep my memories of the 80's just as they are..watching 16 candles with my friend Annie till we knew the whole movie by heart, memorizing every word of every police song, sneaking into the movie theatre on route 4 which is now being turned into a gym...and watching dirty dancing without HD....somethings are better left just the way you remember them.

Happy Sunday

Wednesday may 18, 2011

2011-05-18T12:18:00.000-07:00

Desperate times

Because of this weather I have been suffering from seasonal affective disorder(as opposed to the usual mood disorder that I regularly suffer from). SAD is an actual diagnosis in the DSM ( which stands for diagnostic something manual..hey, I've been on maternity leave for 14 1/2 years..I'm lucky I remember anything..) peoples moods change because of the gloomy weather...no sun..no smiles. So when the sun appeared for a brief moment in time, on went the sneakers and out the door went the rest of me. But, because of my SAD, I took an umbrella, just in case. (just in case it rained again, which it did, but since I had the umbrella, I was happy, not sad..ok, bad joke, sorry)

While walking, I noticed a new trend...very large headphones. I actually think that son #1 and some of his friends have them. Didn't we (and when I say "we" I mean the old folks over 40) wear those in the 80's with our ultra cool walkmen attached to them?(kids, walk men weren't men that walked along with us, they were little tape recorders that played our cassette tapes. No, not like duct tape or scotch tape...forget it)

I thought big bulky headphones went out with leg warmers and scrunchies....but, over the weekend my friend (and mother of four girls-whenever I go to her house I feel like I'm in a different country..)showed me her daughters new, fashionable scrunchies- they are back in style..does that mean that assymetrical haircuts are soon to follow? Neon colored sweatshirts? So, yes, everything old is new again, but I got rid of the old headphones because the new, lighter ones replaced them....

If the fashion experts say that if you wore it the first time it was in style, you are probably too old to wear it when it comes back in style, I'm pretty sure the only thing that might not apply to this golden rule is headphones (miniskirts and sequins yes, think I can still get away with
wearing swatches though...) but I really like my teeny tiny headphones...but maybe the big headphones will make my hips look smaller...hmmmm, that might not be a bad thing.

Here's hoping the sun will come out soon...

Happy wednesday

Friday may 13,2011

2011-05-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

A letter to my precious little one....

Dear son #3:

You are very special to me and now that you are 45 years old and still living in our basement I want to apologize. On may 13, 2011, when you left to go to the island of long(Aka land of the skinny mini and pancake hat) to visit with your adorable friends, I went to kohls and returned the mother of pearl mom heart. Don't worry, when the saleslady saw I was returning it, I got a dirty look, one that said "you are a terrible mother....are you really returning this precious gift of 18 karat gold over sterling silver that was 66 % off with your kohls charge?"

Yes, I am. I have a feeling that you found out about it and that is why you are still living in the basement, but I wanted to formally confess. And I apologize,again, but even though I love shopping at kmart(sorry mom, I know you raised me at saks, but things change when you marry monsey) I couldn't keep the heart. Perhaps it's like the wise dr. Phil said, I'm addicted to acceptance and unless the heart had read "#1 mom" or "best mom in the world"....the generic "mom" didn't give me the positive feedback that I eternally crave as a deprived middle child....

I love you son, more than words can say, but get the hell out of my basement...the free ride is over.

Happy friday

Wednesday may 11,2011

2011-05-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

Love that oprah....

Poor son #3 was running a fever and had a cold since Friday. He missed Monday and Tuesday of school...which meant that when he didn't have fever on Tuesday, I selfishly crossed my fingers that the fever wouldn't come back so he could go back to school today. When I was rushing him to the bus this morning he said "mom, how long are you going to walk today?" well, kid, since I missed two days of walking/head clearing...I might just walk the whole day. Truth is, I was so happy to see the spark back in his eyes this morning, I almost forgot he made me wear the mother of pearl mom heart he picked out for me......(oh, and son #2 wanted me to clarify to my readers that he had NOTHING to do with the gift gone awry...he wasn't even there...ah..gotta love the middle child.)

Anyway..I have been dvr-ing oprahs last season and yesterday's show was her last weight loss episode. It was moving and inspiring..but while watching it, I was eating a bowl of wacky Mac with parmesan cheese on it. This is bad on so many levels-the most important being that wacky Mac is made with cheese and I voluntarily added more cheese. It is also bad because 100 people in the audience had lost 100 pounds or more and clearly I was moving in the wrong direction and if Bob, oprah's fitness guru could see what I was doing, the botox would've run right out of the man's forehead....that would've been ashame...

I have said before that sometimes it makes me happy that oprah struggles with her weight because she is almost as powerful as god and if she can't get it under control, is there hope for me? For any of us? Do you think god as flabby arms too? But if she does, she is god and knows the secret to hiding them....

In any event..I'm just glad that I don't have to watch anymore phineas and Ferb with my kid today.....and am grateful he is feeling better.

Happy wednesday

Monday may9, 2011

2011-05-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

The day after

My mothers day sucked. Yes, I know I'm supposed to be grateful that I am a mother..that I have a mother...that I don't have cancer..blah blah blah. It sucked. No two ways around it. It was probably my second all time worst mothers day ever. The first one I can't go into in case any members of husband #1's family reads this.. that one was pretty bad. But we are discussing this one for now.

When did husband #1 think it was ok to take the kids to buy me a mothers day present from kohls the night before mothers day?!?! Have I not been cleaning his dirty laundry well enough? Have I not had an ample supply of coffee cakes and orange soda? When did jewelry from kohls become ok? It is not ok. I do not have a mullet, I do not wear a tank top without a bra and cut off jean shorts (for more reasons than one) i do not have multiple piercings and I have not been recently paroled for manslaughter(though, it's been tempting)....

At baseball yesterday, I told some moms about the 18 karat gold over silver, mother of pearl heart that says MOM on it that husband #1 let the kids get for me. "oh...that's so sweet banji, I think you are over reacting.." umm...they gave me the gift and said "we know you don't like hearts but...."

No no no...I don't like hearts but nothing. If their father had a matching tattoo that said "mom" in a heart (which, I'm sure if he could have, he would have one....) it would be one thing....if their father had a thing for cans of beer and watching football half naked with his hands down his pants(he does wear a shirt) it would be ok for him to think it was ok to buy me jewelry from kohls!!!!!!!!!!! No, I am NOT over reacting.

Boys come on...you know me...I'm the best mom in the world-remember? I sit in a minivan with you, for hours at a time, without peeing, so we can go to batting practice, get autographs, sit in the rain and catch pneumonia in baseball stadiums across the country-have you forgotten that?!?!?!?!? At least if the heart read "best mom".....have I taught you nothing??? I would have been happier with a prescription for lithium or Xanax...but kohls jewelry??? Where oh where did I go wrong......

Happy freakin monday

Saturday may 7,2011

2011-05-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

More mothers day..

Twas the night before mothers day
And all through the house,
No one was stirring
no child or spouse..

For the spouse had just realized
That no gift was obtained
And if the kids gave mom nothing
He for sure would be maimed...

So when the sun had set
He threw the progeny in the car
And ran off to find something
That would make mom avoid a bar...

But when all is said and done
Mom wondered aloud
When would the spouse realize
What she needed was what she had..

Her beautiful children
Who fill her days with much joy
And she's not even being sarcastic
For she truly loves those three boys...

Happy mothers day

Happy Saturday

Thursday may 5,2011

2011-05-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Wishes for mothers day

Let me tell you, it's been a tough week( get the tissues ready...) Monday, my last day at the gym, included my last free personal training session. This was good because I was taught various exercises to do at home, this was bad because, up until today, I haven't been able to sit on the toilet without my eyes rolling back in my head(wait, why is exercise good for you? I think it's a conspiracy with the makers of advil, but that's for another blog) on Tuesday, my world came crashing down...my boyfriend was arrested for a DUI. The dumb schmuck. What was he thinking? I had to break up with him and now I'm boycotting his concert in englewood because I can tolerate the groupies..the affairs...but drinking and driving is just plain unacceptable(drinking and not driving is another story...)

And now mothers day is rapidly approaching. Thanks to my ability to reference my old blogs, I was able to discover that I forgot to buy my mom a card last year...and apparently that set the tone for a whole year of my not being her favorite child(just kidding, I was never her favorite child..) so it's on my to do list. As for me, being a mom is gift enough(just kidding, nothing says "mom, I love you" like a hearty handshake and a peck on the cheek).

I have decided that this mothers day, I want my boys to switch places with me. I will be them and they will be me(thought I would further explain that concept). On mothers day, I am going to leave my crap all over the floor-clothes, underwear, loose papers, toothpaste and pee. As me, they will pick up and clean up said mess, with a big smile on their faces..(see where this is going?) I will ask for food, drink, batteries, pencils, new socks, rides to the mall(because I broke my iPad and I have to go to the apple store), rides to school because I left my homework/hockey helmet/tefillin there....
And they, as me, will do whatever I ask.....and are not allowed to curse, yell or scream at me(do as I say, not as I do....do role models get any better than me? ). It should be an interesting day...don't you think?

As for husband #1's place in all of this? My mothers day gift to him is that he can spend the whole day with his mother....

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there....I will be at fish of the c's with my mom enjoying a tuna melt and onion rings...and then I will be walking her back to fair lawn to burn off the calories....

Happy thursday

Monday may 2,2011

2011-05-02T03:44:00.000-07:00

It's all relative.....

While most people will be celebrating the assassination of bin laden, I will be celebrating my last day at THE GYM. Yes, I know, it's odd that I would be comparing the death of the mastermind behind 9-11 to the cessation of being ignored by so-called friendly Americans, but when I have ever claimed not to be odd....

My feeling on the assassination, and keep in mind that husband #1 compared me to Joey in the episode of Friends when he only has one volume of the encyclopedia, is that bin laden might be dead, but there are many others, crazier more fanatical others, that are going to be more than happy to replace him. And since this scares the crap out of me, I would like to focus on the stupidity of my rejoicing over my last day with the skinny hungry mean people at the gym.

I do love those spin classes, but now that the weather is getting nicer(possibly, with this whole global warming thing it could snow again tomorrow)I am looking forward to getting back to walking and enjoying nature....and having people honk at me because I am either taking up too much room on the street OR they know me and it's a friendly honk.( by the way....I can't see you through the windshield so if I look like I don't know who you are, it's because I can't see who you are...not because those unfriendly folks at THE GYM have turned me against you because you're not wearing lululemon.)

As for the other topic, may God watch over us and protect us from all the evil in the world.

Happy, hopeful Monday.

Friday April 29,2011

2011-04-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Royal wedding....

I was up at 530 this morning and I'm proud to admit it. We had the opportunity to watch a real fairy tale and I loved every minute of it. The kiss was lacking some passion, but they are both virgins so I'm sure they were just nervous....onto the subject at hand.....

Poor Kate...princess Diana probably would have been an incredible mother in law. She loved her boys, she loved fashion and she would have loved Kate. I'm usually a skeptic about these things, but I know. So now we have Camilla, once described by her mother in law as "that horrible woman" (queen or no queen, a mother in law should only think those things, say them to her husband everyday for the rest of his life perhaps, but never, ever say them aloud.....) and Camilla doesn't seem to really care about fashion or accessorizing. And we have kate's mom, who looks like a lovely woman, who produced two hot daughters and a son who looks like he's hot-to-trot...

...so with all of these women, I ask, Why oh why did no one give Kate a necklace to wear with her dress? It was not a wow-factor dress..that's what diana wore, but with the right royal gem stone, it could've had a bit more panache. Now, I'm clearly no expert, but I do know my jewelry(since jewelry and pocketbooks always fit....) and she needed a piece. She's gonna be queen for gods sakes...give the girl a piece of jewelry. The tiara was lovely(nothing like the one I wear around the house, but mine also has stones that are glue-gunned on) but, it just wasn't enough.

When I got married husband #1 gave me little pearl earrings surrounded by diamonds. They were little on me because his sister, who is 9 inches shorter than I am thought they looked big on her.....but I wore them and smiled...cause that's the kindve wife I am (or was....the earrings have been put away waiting for a granddaughter...or niece....or friends daughter.....) I know his intentions were good and now he knows better(or at least I do and pick out stuff myself...don't tell him though, he never notices....) but Kate is royalty....she needed someone to advise her. If anyone knows her, please tell her I'm available to be her jewelry consultant (I'll even sneak her some cookies, poor girl looked like she was going to faint from hunger.....)

May we all live happily ever after.....

Happy friday

thursday april 28,2011

2011-04-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

please dont lean over...

we had an ipod goo emergency today. the goo that i told son #3 NOT to get as a prize for selling candy, exploded in his knapsack and did something not very good to his ipod. So, off to the apple store we went to find a genius to help us fix the ipod. Apparently, goo is a very powerful substance and it is not fixable. Or under warranty....but, that is not what this blog is about. We were sent to a waiting area between table#3 and table #4..kind've an apple store purgatory-our problem wasnt seriousness enough to warrant a back-of-the-store-genius..so they had to put us somewhere.

Working on the computer on table #3 was a young woman in a low cut shirt. The shirt was made even more low cut when she would lean over the computer and her boobies were revealed for all to see. Every man and woman that walked by table #3 were witness to the boobies. Son #3 was playing on another computer..i kept an eye on him, but he had yet to notice the boobies. And then, he looked up. I saw his eyes look at her...and then look at me...."Mommy," he whispered, "you can see down her shirt...can we move to another table?" god bless that kid.

I asked if i should tell the woman about what she was showing to the whole store..he told me not too...he is a man after all...what can you do....

Happy Thursday

Thursday april 21,2011

2011-04-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

It keeps getting better..

We Jews are a funny group of people. Our religion ranges from those of us who eat matzo on Passover with our ham and eggs to those of us that will only swim in a pool with people of the same sex, with a curtain encompassing the entire circumference of the pool so no one of the opposite sex can see us....and all of the entertaining nuances in between. But, the one thing that remains constant in our religion, whether we hang to the right or to the left, is that everything revolves around food.

I am sitting in the lobby of the Hudson valley resort, it is 20 degrees outside and there is a cocktail party going on, in a tent, just a few feet from the entrance to the hotel. Women in furs, children bundled in their north faces, the elderly zipping along in their sabbath friendly scooters are all gearing up for the frosty walk for the food. Party started at 6....dinner is at 7. I'm not joking. I'm also a little concerned because the hotel has been advertising a new and improved petting zoo, and I'm afraid that what is being served at the cocktail party is the old decrepit petting zoo(where are those lamb chops from???)

I read a fascinating article in the Jewish press about eating healthy on vacation. Rachael Schindler, who I am assuming is a skinny mini from long island, advised me(and I'm sure she was just talking to me) that I should choose one meal a day to eat what I want, and then refrain from over-eating the rest of the day. Surprisingly, she wrote that breakfast, which I thought was the most important meal of the day(but don't really believe is the most important-since I don't want to make my other meals feel bad.,,)shouldn't be the one I choose because the breakfast menu is the same everyday...interesting. I happen to like lunch because it is dairy, but that's just me. And I'm sure none of you really care...

Well, it's getting a little noisy in the lobby, I'm assuming that's because the cocktail party is coming to a close and the dining room is about to open, thank god. I hope everyone enjoyed snacking on the rejects from the petting zoo, poor things...those baby chickens were so cute, but I guess they taste better as nuggets.....

Happy thursday

Wednesday april 20 2011

2011-04-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

Classy in the catskills...

Here I am in the catskills. There really is nothing like it....I can't imagine that the people at the biltmore or at the king david fart in public and pretend that no one can hear or smell them...I think that's a catskills thing, but I can't be sure. Others will have to report back to me....

The weather has not been ideal up here in beautiful kerhonks new York. And today, when it briefly cleared up, it was like after the flood...people walking outside with dazed looks on their faces " hey, is that the sun?"......"wow, look how pretty the trees are"... "is there a tea room out here?" but at least we were finally outside...at least until the next meal was served.

The outfits in the mountains have not been that crazy, which is good for me sitting here in my Jean skirt, danskin leggings from 1992 and old navy hoodie..if I only brought my snood...or my styrofoam head for my wig...left that at home too...what can you do.

But the important thing is spending quality time with your family...today was the ganchrow bananagram marathon...because, after all, nothing makes three boys laugh more than when they can spell out fart, penis and doody.....

Hope you are all enjoying your holiday....

Happy wednesday

Sunday April 17,2011

2011-04-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Passovers gone by.....

In trying to keep up with the joneses(or in the Jewish world we'll say keeping up with the steins..) I will be in Florida for the first part of the holiday, Arizona for the middle part and Israel for the end. Man, that's going to be exhausting...especially since husband #1 doesn't like paying to check in luggage so we each have one shop rite bag for the whole journey....don't stand too close..

In reality, the ganchrow clan is doing something that they haven't done in years...split the holiday between in laws and parents. If we weren't with the in laws for the first days, they would be alone and if we weren't with my parents the last days, they would be alone..man, I hope my kids will be as w o n d e r f u l as we are being....(to dream the impossible dream)

Anyway, for some reason, my memories of passovers of the past are quite vivid. Watching my papa make charoset with us with the chopper, eating the butter-sugar-just a touch of salt Passover cereal that he would make us(is it any wonder why I have a weight problem?)...and then when my maternal grandparents were no longer with us we would go to the concord, where the food was so good, there's no way it was really kosher (for Passover or any other holiday) We would have these big private seders with friends and family. Good times. Though, let us not forget how my mom and sister would pack so much that the back of the car would practically touch the ground...yup, those were the days.

I can only hope that despite all of the screaming I do at my kids(and husband #1, of course, who took the boys to a Yankee game so no one could actually help do anything....) they will treasure the memories that they are making with their grandparents...

May you all have a happy and healthy holiday season..filled with good memories and regular trips to the bathroom.....

Happy Sunday

Friday April 15,2011 Annie Rachel gally's birthday

2011-04-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

No sex in the city...but I think moshiach is coming...

Imagine, for a moment, that I am Carrie bradshaw.(stop laughing) instead of manolo blahniks, I am wearing nikes, instead of some fashionable Pucci gucci frock, I am wearing chico's finest..but, most importantly, imagine that I did spend the day in the city and now I am writing my column(blog) about my adventures.

I do love new York. I love looking at all of the different faces and clothes...the women dashing through a red light in seven inch heels...the different store windows. But what I love the most, is that you never know what you are going to see. While walking down fifth avenue, all of a sudden, I heard police sirens....lots of them and, a hint of, could it be? Jewish music? Turning to my right, there on fifth avenue in the middle of the day, I was witness to the mitzvah tank parade. I rubbed my eyes with disbelief, but as true as the rumor that I have never had plastic surgery, there they were...at least 100 mitzvah tanks driving down fifth avenue...inside each tank were several messengers of menachem mendel schneerson waving at the stunned people of new York city. Was this parade to celebrate menachem's secular birthday? Who knows..but it was a sight to see.

Now, on the total opposite spectrum from the good of humanity to the elevator in bloomingdales(I was only there for the frogurt people, no shopping for me..I got my new sweatshirt from bamboo boutique and I am ready for the granit...)there were about 10 of us in the elevator and the only fat one was shoved into the back(that would be me, fabulous banji bradshaw) and a woman in a wheel chair approached the elevator and none of the skinny bitches would hold the door for her and it closed in her face.....and then I said "how did you let the door close?!?? Oh...I forgot where I am...."

New York city...the good..the bad...and the hungry...

Happy Friday...

Sunday April 10,2011

2011-04-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

The kennedys

Husband #1 has me dvr-ing the Kennedy miniseries and I have been watching it. I must say, I am very impressed with Greg kinnear..I was a big fan of his when he was on talk soup and he does a spot on job portraying JFK(I think, as I didn't really know jfk...) anyway, I'm embarrassed to admit that despite being in school for a zillion years, it's like I'm hearing about the bay of pigs and the Cuban missile crisis for the very first time...and did you know that Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas?!?! Am I the dumbest housewife on the planet?!?!?( I knew he was assassinated and I knew about the bay of pigs invasion because it was in Billy joel's song "we didn't start the fire" and one afternoon my brother and I went through all of the lyrics with my dad and he gave us quite the history lesson..)

Apparently the Kennedy family was not happy about the release of this miniseries because it isn't an accurate portrayal of what actually happened, and I can't imagine that Jackie kennedy's hands were as large as Katie holmes are- man that chick has some mighty big paws!! Like the "man-hands" lady from Seinfeld..who knew? Anyway, watching this movie reminded me of a story that I would like to share with you.

About 11 years ago, when I was pregnant with son #3, my mom and I went to the ballet. I had to pee, as pregnant women often do and the line for the ladies room was 3 miles long, as it often is..but the line for the mens room was..well, non existent. So, off I went to the mens room because when you gotta go, you gotta go. When i left the empty mens room, I saw Caroline Kennedy schlossberg. Tall, thin, elegant and still grieving the loss of her brother(I assume, don't know for sure..) and all I wanted to do was make her laugh. As she passed me by on the way to the ladies room, which still had a 3 mile line that no woman, not even a Kennedy could cut, I said " hey, use the mens room, I
just did..this pregnant fatty was not waiting on that line!!" and she chuckled...I made her chuckle. And even though her grandfather was a
raging anti Semite and her dad cheated on her mom with anyone who had boobs(this, according to the miniseries,of course) I felt I served my country.

I do what I can...

Happy sunday

Thursday April 7,2011

2011-04-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

The things we do for our kids......

As some of you may know, husband #1's favorite treat, aside from me, is Stella doro Swiss fudge cookies. He has passed this love onto his son, son #1, who eats so few things that I have to indulge him with these cookies and hope there is some nutritional value in them and no cholesterol.

For those of you not from this planet, a Swiss fudge cookie is a cookie that has a chocolate bloby center, surrounded by white cookie. You can eat the cookie part in a circular motion and save the bloby part for last, you can pop the whole thing in your mouth, two bites...however you want -though not as popular as the Oreo, still a very pleasant experience....in any event, sometimes the cookie part comes a little well done, or has an unequal chocolate bloby to cookie ratio.....these two particular instances make son #1 very unhappy...and then he won't eat them.(fortunately, I don't like them so I don't mind keeping them in the house....)

Now, being the fantastic Jewish mother that I am, in buying these cookies, I have a process, because if I don't bring home the right kind, well, all hell will break loose and the world will be thrown even further off of its axis. I must take all of the packages of cookies off the shelf and look through each one of them for the whitest cookie and the smallest amount of chocolate bloby. I wish I was kidding. In stop n shop the other day, I am kneeling on the floor with eleven packages of cookies in front of me, praying that I don't see anyone I know, as I carefully select the right packages of cookies to make my precious first born happy....so he can move to Minnesota and take my grandchildren with him.....but that's not the point.

I bring them home and, with much trepidation, take out the cookies that I have selected...."please like them, please like them," I pray.
Son #1 looks at them, looks at me...looks back at the cookies, looks at me, my heart is pounding, my mind is racing, "thanks mom, I love you."

Thank god.,,I did something right....for now.

Happy Thursday

Sunday April 3,2011

2011-04-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

It's tough being a woman.....

I went to a boutique tonight to help support my friends new business Bamboo Boutique...I originally wanted to purchase one of their yummy, cozy sweatshirts, but they refuse to carry extra larges and have to order one for me. Their friends are mostly skinny minis who think that size smalls are too big, so when I stomp over asking for an extra large, the villagers raise their torches in fear and agree to get me the size I need before I eat them....ok...I'm exaggerating just a bit, but I do want the sweatshirt in an xl....and they told me the charcoal grey is really "in" now, and i am going to the fashionable hudson valley resort for passover and, who knows, maybe the sweatshirt will help me meet husband #2, you never know...but, in any event, I couldn't leave the boutique empty handed, so I browsed through some of their other wares...

Didn't need any kikirikis because I just bought my first two..still don't know what the hell a nikibiki is..so, if I don't know what it is, I must not need it...and then I found a pair of footless tights that will "smooth my lumps and bumps"...now, I'm pretty sure that I need feet, but I was assured they are like leggings and I can wear them with a skirt and flats(there is a reason why god didn't give me daughters...) anyway, I had to buy these leggings because who doesn't want to rid themselves of lumps and bumps?!? And then it got me thinking about an ad that I "stole" from a magazine in a doctors office that was for the revolutionary iPant. Not iPad, iPant....the anti cellulite pant ware. I wish I was joking. The unfortunate thing about this product is that the women who have a great deal of cellulite who would need the iPant, couldn't actually squeeze her fat thighs into the iPant....this is like my experience with spanx when I almost lost consciousness in the dressing room trying them on and then I almost peed in my pants laughing at the sight of me trying to peel them off...ya, sometimes, it just sucks being a woman.

iPant, I shmant....someone give me a cookie....speaking of cookies-shout out to my friend who was trying on the teeny tiny hats with me, apparently, pancakes are out and rice cakes are in..who knew?!?!

Happy sunday

Tuesday march 29,2011

2011-03-29T05:03:00.000-07:00

Parent teacher conferences.....

In the good old days of my youth, when my parents attended parent teacher conferences for me, I was able to acquire several skills that continue to serve me well to this day. Keep in mind, these skills have nothing to do with what the teachers told my parents....that's a whole other story.

Though hard for some of you to believe, I was not the model student. I was the kid who put thumbtacks on her teacher's chair in third grade(sorry mrs rubin, wherever you are, but it's not like you felt them when you sat down...) I was the little devil who wrote "mrs so an so sucks" on the bathroom wall...oh my, hope my old principal doesn't read this, as I am confessing publicly for the first time in 30 years....wait a second, it's been 30 years since I was in fifth grade???????.....sorry, getting off topic...anyway, I was a nightmare. The fact that I graduated college and got a masters degree is still a mystery to many, the fact that I have no criminal record is an even greater mystery, though I maintain that if we had the Internet when I was younger, there might be a few cyber-stalking charges to contend with, so I'm grateful for the delay of technology....

So my parents would leave the house to go to teacher conferences and I, of course, would watch tv in their room, which was not allowed on a school night, hence my letting my kids watch tv all the time(yes, I know that's bad, but it's still better then if I was sharing my flavored vodkas with them....I do know when to draw the line...occasionally..) as soon as my brother and I would hear the garage door open, we knew we had two choices, either face the music and listen to the "you have so much potential, if only you would apply yourself speech," or, run into bed and pretend to be sleeping (in my case, pretending to be dead might be the better option, those teachers did not have nice things to say
about me...) and that, ladies and gentleman, is when I honed the skill of pretending to sleep. And I am good at it. This does not make husband #1 happy on some nights, but, at least I learned something from parent teacher conferences.....

As for my kids and their reports home, well, when you marry someone and are blessed to have children together, you are playing the lottery. Sometimes, these kids take after the well behaved-always-with-a-smile parent and sometimes they take after their father.....just kidding....husband #1 does have some excellent qualities and combined with my sociopathic ones...the boys are doing just fine...

Happy tuesday

Wednesday march 23,2011

2011-03-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Israel

The last time I was in Israel was for a bar mitzvah in October of 2003. Husband #1 and I had decided that after vacationing in the Bahamas and puerto Rico(this was before all three boys were in day school..) that we should revisit the land of our forefathers...since we had not been there in 8 years(on our honeymoon...that's a whole other blog..) so off we went.

We traveled with another couple, which was fabulous. They had a baby three months prior to the trip, so my friend's "my breast friend" nursing pillow got used a lot in many different places....it was amazing. The food was great, the company was great...but I was nervous as hell the whole time I was there. My kids were all home and I was in a volatile part of the world. So sad to think of it that way...but that is how I felt. Husband #1 had been there during the sabarro bombing, and even though I was the only wife who didn't call to make sure their spouse was ok, I was still nervous.

I remember making a point to make genuine eye contact with every single person I passed, even the streimeled ones that weren't "allowed" to look at me. This country is full of heroes. Just living there, whether it be because they were born there, because they chose to follow a dream and move there from another country or just because they wanted to pay less tuition...whatever the reason, they are all heroes.

And today, the news of another bombing....it rips through your heart that people have to live like that. Because of facebook I am able to get a real sense of what my friends there are thinking and feeling.."just spoke to my kids, they are safe"..."my car shook when the bomb went off.."

They are all heroes. May God protect you and watch over you and may there be peace in our time.

Happy wednesday

Monday march 21, 2011

2011-03-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

happy birthday husband #1

Tomorrow is husband #1's birthday. Last year, he celebrated his BIG birthday with his wife not speaking to him because of the 6 day blackout that preceded the big day(no, that wasn't his gift)....he also only received a snuggie because of those events(which has remained unopened to this day, along with the DVD player I got him for the birthday before that....)..but, I am happy to report that this year we are speaking and, hopefully, tomorrow will go smoothly. I even invited my in laws for surprise ice cream cake...because no ganchrow birthday is complete without carvel(and the subsequent lactose intolerance issues that follow....was that tmi?)

We met when he was 13....didn't start dating until 11 years later and will be married for 16 years in august, unless there is another really long blackout.....

He has recently learned how to load, turn on and unload a dishwasher...which will make him very marketable to his trophy wife..just one more thing to put on his impressive resume....

Happy birthday honey...the woman from craigslist is due to arrive around 9:30...

Happy monday

Thursday march 17 2011

2011-03-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Ahh, to be a Jew in persia...

Is it a coincidence that the fast of esther falls out on st patrick's day, but Purim isn't until Saturday night so we can't get toasted with our irish brethren?

Let's talk costumes. So, it's my understanding that dressing up on Purim started so we could emulate the heroes and one heroine of the Purim story (unless we wanted to be vashti.. I totally respect a woman who just says no....no matter what the consequence) children dressed as kings and queens...how sweet. I remember going as shaloch manot on more than one occasion, perhaps because I looked better in a large shopping bag covered with candy than in a form fitting queen costume....and then I could eat the candy and be even further away from fitting into a queen costume...ah, the vicious cycle of stress eating.....

Costumes today run the gamut, unless you live in a house of boys. Hockey player, baseball player, football player or basketball player. Take your pick. We have the equipment, we have various helmets and apparently we have several jerseys. As the only female, I try to encourage them to be creative.."wear a suit and a fake beard and go as your principal...that would be cute!" and I get the look...the "no, you really didn't just suggest the stupidest costume in the whole world" look. "why don't one of you wear a wig and go as a girl? That would be funny.." there's that look again. I can only try......

Purim is a special time for husband #1 because it is his birthday....the anniversary of when he unintentionally tried to kill his mother,( as his head was the same size when he was born as it is now..)He can read a 15 minute Megillah..it is one of his many talents(and that was his
birthday present, telling anyone who reads this that he has MANY talents...) so all in all it's a celebratory time for the whole family...mom can drink because it's permissible....dad feels important because it is his birthday...the kids can eat candy until it comes out of their ears..it's all good.

Here is wishing all of you a happy and healthy holiday...and may you fit into the costume of your dreams...

Happy thursday

Tuesday march 15 2011

2011-03-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

Philosophical not funny......

Smart, successful, happy and good. If asked this question, which trait would you say you wanted to be or is most important to be? My rabbi, in front of an entire congregation(which I don't hold against him because I am a huge fan of his...)asked son #1 and son #2 this question. They both responded "happy"....and were then told that "good" is the correct answer.

Being. a "good" person is more important than being "happy". Well, I think I have to disagree. I don't think you can be truly good, unless you are truly happy. Now I know this debate can go on and on, and perhaps the real answer needs to be that they are mutually exclusive but, this is my thinking.....

There are so many "good" people, people who volunteer their time for various causes, give their money to many charities...who happen to suck as human beings. They are terrible friends, mean and nasty horrible ugly people who, for the most part, must not be happy or they would be kind. So what does being "good" really mean? Are you a good person because you do good deeds, which makes you look good to the public, but are poopies in terms of everyday life? (poopie being a technical term, of course) My rabbi tried to explain that when you do good things, the chemicals released from those actions make you feel happy...and I told him that those chemicals are only released after exercise or eating sugar (I didn't mention a third activity because he is a rabbi after all, and I needed to exercise some editing mechanisms...)

But if you are a happy person, for the most part(you could also just be a happy idiot who walks around just being clueless and drinking a lot, no, I am not talking about myself..) you want to do good things because it's part of your nature, yes, I know there are happy selfish people,
but at least they smile and try to make others feel happy...and if those others are made to feel happy, perhaps they will do good things...see my point?

Bottom line is that I was happy my kids answered "happy" because I always tell them that aside from being healthy, which is first and foremost, I want them to be happy. So, even if the rabbi told them they were wrong(which I respectfully disagree with) at least I know they listen to me.......and that makes me very happy!

Wednesday march 9,2011

2011-03-09T06:37:00.000-08:00

Crisis at THE GYM

So while spinning this morning...the power went out at THE GYM. Apparently, one of the unfriendly receptionists got hungry and mistakenly took an electrical wire for a piece of licorice and bit right through...ok, that's not really what happened (I don't think..but you can never be sure..) but as I walked through the gym and watched the people manually controlling the treadmills, ellipticals and stair masters (I, of course, got there earlier so I had done the treadmill already-power to the pudgies!!) I began to think of a brilliant idea...

Perhaps lulu lemon should sew generators into their clothing so if this happens again, the skinny minis can just plug the machines right into their clothing...brilliant!! Hey lulu, if you are reading this, have your people call my people..

Happy Wednesday...and I hope the power came back on, otherwise, there will be a lot of even crankier skinny people in Bergen county today!!

Monday march 7 2011

2011-03-07T16:47:00.000-08:00

Don't mind me..I'm just venting....

In the olden days, when our phone wouldn't work, my dad would use the neighbors phone and say "I am a physician and I need this to be fixed as soon as humanly possible..it's a matter of life and death!" after all, the man was birthin' babies and needed to be reached 24/7...

Fast forward to now, when the morons at verizon are telling me that bad storms have the repairmen working all over the state and they can't get to me until Thursday....I've got nothing..I'm not a doctor, I no longer have infants who can choke on legos, husband #1 isn't a doctor either..though I'm wondering what would happen if I slipped some legos in his dinner..hmmmm...better not try it, cause the goddam phone isn't working....but wait, we have cell phones now, so when your house phone doesn't work, verizon can come whenever they please because there are no longer plausible excuses because we have cell phones...and if we tell them we have no cell phone and we are calling from a pay phone, the morons at verizon will know that we are lying because they know that there arent any pay phones anymore!!(are there pay phones? I haven't a clue....)

Boo hoo hoo, please feel bad for me because my phone doesn't work....no, don't. Feel bad for me because now that I am 40, I keep forgetting that it doesn't work and I keep picking it up to make phone calls!!!!!!!

Happy monday

Friday march 4,2011

2011-03-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Week in review..the good, the sad and the ugly....

As I sit here listening to the sound of a lawn mower coming from outside my window, instead of thinking of spring, I am thinking, crap, I fired my last landscaper, number 9, as we called him and now, it's almost spring, and I have to find another one.....wonderful.

But in all seriousness, another tragedy has befallen my community. Amongst all of the sickness, a young man has passed away. The details, I do not know, but whenever something like this happens, it makes one reflect on their behavior, their treatment of others....being a better person. Perhaps I should not have screamed at son #1 this week when he came downstairs in his school shirt and boxer shorts, holding his laundry hamper which, not surprisingly, weighs more than he does and said " mom, I have no pants..." thus began the rant that demonstrated my unfortunate similarities to Charlie sheen (does that mean husband #1 is my goddess??)

We all know that life is fragile and way too short, but we often forget and let the stupidity overtake us. As this week comes to a close, let us take a few moments to reflect on all of the good..our friends(the ones we really like, not the ones we pretend to like), our family(ditto from last remark), and all of the wonderful things that have been bestowed on us....whether it be the ability to pay for sleep away camp, the joy of fitting into lulu lemon, or the true blessing of being able to wake up in the morning....embrace all that is wonderful.

Happy Friday

Saturday February 26,2011

2011-02-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

What are little boys made of....

Boys can shoot a puck across an entire gym and get it into a goal being guarded by a well padded goalie.
Boys can throw a ball into a basket that is several feet above their heads....

Then why, oh, why, please tell me why they cannot pee into a large open bowl that is just inches away from their wee-wee?!?!(wee-wees being the new technical and medical terms for their ding dongs...)

I am very grateful to the makers of Lysol wipes because I keep them in every bathroom and they are oh so helpful in cleaning up the trails of pee that my boys leave me before they go off to school. Last weekend, however, son #3 had four adorable boys over from the island of long...the morning after they left, I went into the guest bathroom and man-oh-man....the Lysol wipes were not going to cut it...I had to bring in the heavy duty spray and paper towels....apparently, getting them drunk Friday night was not the best idea because there was "residue" on the wall, the floor, the radiator....i took a deep breath, went in, cleaned up and got out....and then washed my hands for several minutes...even though urine is sterile....it's still gross....(even if it wasn't sterile..yuck yuck yuck)

Next...I handed son #2 a laundry bag and said "could you please put your laundry in this bag and bring it down to the laundry room?" I think maybe he thought I was telling him that he had leprosy or something because the look of horror that came over his face was indescribable..did I just ask him to clean the gutters? Change a faucet? Carry me up the stairs?!?!?! NO-take down your freakin laundry!!!!!!
Then you can clean the gutters, change a faucet and carry me upstairs....oy freakin vey..if they weren't so cute, I'd send them all back....

Did you here-carmello Anthony is on the knicks now- almost like someone discovered a cure for cancer, but not quite....

Happy Saturday...

Wednesday February 23,2011

2011-02-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

Post traumatic ballet disorder

Some people have flashbacks that are drug induced...food induced..love induced, well, I had a flashback that was musically induced. I brought a friend to THE GYM with me on a weeks pass(yes, I really do like this friend even though I brought her to the cold, unfriendly, skinny environment of THE GYM) and we decided to try the zumba class.

Zumba is basically a dance class taught by a very coordinated teacher who knows how to move and has a class full of women following her in an attempt to burn some calories and hopefully not trip over their own two feet (or maybe that was just me...) though the Japanese lady in front of me made me feel more like Jennifer Lopez and less like Jennifer Hudson pre-weight watchers...but I digress..

As the class is coming to an end, the teacher puts on one last song....a classical piece, one put on so the class can do some final stretches and deep breathing. As soon as the song came on, I started to feel a little clammy...my breathing got shallow..and then I realized, this was the song that they played at the Irene fokene school of ballet....the one where pudgy banji went for too many years to mention....I actually looked down to make sure I hadn't left the house in my too tight black leotard(sorry for the visual) and pink tights(did that make the visual worse?) as I looked around the class, I watched the various women doing their stretches...I took a deep breath...said to myself "I am forty and fabulous, I too am a strong woman and can get into that position....". And then I ran out of the room as fast as my 40 year old legs could carry me......

And again, I would like to thank my parents for sending me there....the memories are priceless.....too bad I missed the castings calls for black swan....

Happy wednesday

Wednesday February 16,2011

2011-02-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

Love songs......

Everyone has their favorite love songs...the song that brings you back to your first kiss, sweet 16's, the song that was on the radio when you got engaged, the song you heard in the car just minutes after you found out you were having a son.....

I have always been a big fan of memorizing the words of songs...some are sweet and simple like Carly simon's "you're the love of my life.." (which also happens to be the song I sang to son #1 every night for the first two years of his life.....) and some have you wondering how they've been classified as a love song like "you spin my head right round right round like a record player....." but recently, there has been a love song getting lots of air play...my kids like it, but I only think they like it because they know how much it annoys me....and the Grammy goes to Bruno mars for...grenade...(I don't actually think he won the Grammy for that one, but I was trying to be dramatic)

This song bothers me so much, that I recently brought it up amongst a group of friends to discuss the utter ridiculousness of the words....

"I would catch a grenade for ya....I'd throw myself in front of a train for ya....I'd take a bullet straight through my brain for ya...but you won't do the same..." dam right moron...why the he'll would I do that for you?!?! Are you on crack?!?!?! So I asked the husbands in this discussion if they would do any of these things for their wives....I got a few grunts and a maybe-then I asked the wives and I think they are all still laughing at the question....for our kids, yes, for sure, 100 percent....for our spouses? We would throw a grenade at them, but, no, would not catch it for them...I'm sorry to report.

The song is ridiculous and irritating..clearly Bruno is not and has never been married, because if that had been the case, the lyrics would have been completely different....what can you do....at least lady gaga gets me with "I was born this way...." and there's nothing I can do about it.....

Happy Wednesday

Sunday February 13,2011

2011-02-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

It's not easy being me......

It's a huge responsibility being the worst mother in the whole world. Sometimes, I just don't know how I pull it off. When my son, who has gotten no sleep in the past two days thinks it's ok to go somewhere this evening and I tell him he can't go....really? Am I really saying no? Why would I say no to a 14 year old who has bags under his eyes? What is wrong with me? Or when I tell son #2 to stop torturing son #3 and I threaten to take his computer away....somehow, it becomes my fault that he tortures him because I only punish son #2 and never son #3 because he is the baby ( THE baby, not A baby..there's a difference.)...of course the whole punishment thing is a joke because son #2 has already pointed out, on more than one occasion, that I never follow through with any of my punishments....

That calgon commercial takes on a whole new meaning.....

On a lighter note..tomorrow is valentines day. As many of you don't remember, last year was the first valentines day that husband #1 tried to woo me by sending me roses and making dinner reservations...I repaid his kindness by throwing my guts up for twelve hours and lying in bed in a state of semi-consciousness(which only varied slightly from how I usually lie in bed...)it was not pretty. So I have a feeling that this valentines day will not be filled with flowers and dinner....only carpools and leftovers, but that is ok because valentines day is just another day ...we should let our loved ones know we feel about each other everyday....lord knows I do!!

Happy sunday

tuesday february 8, 2011

2011-02-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

no love from lulu.....

i have blogged about this before....lulu lemon. the exercise clothes for the already thin and fit...not for the i would like to be thin and am trying to be fit. in order to deal with them, i have just chosen to let it be. I dont walk by the pleasantly plump lady in the window because it aggravates me that she is naked because she doesnt have any clothes to exercise in and it just is what it is...i thought i would get in trouble if i continued to throw peanut m&ms at her so she would have some nourishment, so i just dont walk by the store.

everyone at THE GYM wears lulu lemon, well, exept for me and the one or two other fatties that got past security...and thats ok. I am happy wearing my billy joel tshirt and chicos yoga pants...(though i will never be doing yoga in them because that thought is well...simply frightening-using my own weight to build strength-seriously?? are you nuts??? do you want me to kill myself??) but i digress....

as some of you know, son #1 and i participated in the half marathon a little while back. one of the attractions of the weekend is the health and fitness expo. husband #1 decided we should go...so, since we always listen to him-we went. when we pulled up..there were two women standing there with a bunch of lulu lemon boxes. I though "goodie...free stuff i can bring home to my skinny friends"..but, instead of asking what they were offering i said "excuse me, why is your mannekin to big to fit into your clothes?" they looked at me with shock and surprise (or it could have been hunger and disgust) and said "what are you talking about? our mannekin in a size 6.." not in garden state plaza she isnt.......so that was strike one. No free stuff and no explanation about my soul sister who is in the window....

then, marathon day came. son #1 and i are "running" along at a nice pace and i see a bunch of skinny women in lulu lemon attire cheering on the runners and they are holding these cute little (of course) rattles with the lululemon insignia on them and i thought, of course, im a jew - ooh, maybe they can give me one to bring to my skinny friend's daughter...so while "running" i politely shout "hey, can i have one of those?" and they looked at me, with hunger, and said "ooh, sorry, they are just for the cheering squad...." strike two and three....hey ladies-you guys were on the sidelines, this lady was doing the hard work-you couldnt spare a rattle? did ya think i was going to eat it???

i give up...

happy tuesday

Friday February 4,2011

2011-02-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

More reasons why I love oprah....

Since it's her last season, I think she is trying to have on every guest who has ever had any sort of fame in the last 40 years....I have been dvr-ing some of this season because,well, I do love oprah, and not just because she weighs more than I do, though, that does help.....but because I was interested. Ok, so Bo Derek was on, who still looks amazing and gets to sleep with aiden from sex in the city and she flat out admitted to oprah that she knows she is beautiful....and she is, but, she did not admit to plastic surgery and last I checked, she wasn't of Asian descent(ok, I really didn't check, but her eyes were looking mighty suspicious.)

She also had on mc hammer who, much to my surprise is involved in apps and tweets and social media stuff and helped to develop an iPad case where, if you slam your iPad on the floor because you can't figure out how to work it, it doesn't break- who knew he was so involved?!? I was very impressed.

Today's episode, which I will be watching on Sunday while simultaneously rooting for the steelers/packers (depending on who is reading this) is a very exciting one...supermodels of the past...ooh, like dinosaurs or typewriters...Cheryl tiegs( who is now a spokesperson for what not to do to your face after 50), Christie brinkley, whose eyes no longer look like they are open at all and some others. I was always a fan of carol alt and Kim Alexis, but that's just me (I'm also a fan of Rick Springfield, so my taste is questionable....)

But the reason why I love oprah for this is because she is bringing our past to the present....answering our questions of "whatever happened to..." naa, it's because she's fatter than me.....

Happy Friday

Monday January 31,2011

2011-01-31T16:31:00.000-08:00

Chupkas, paparazzi and bickering...oh my...

Another winter vacation has gone by.From what I gathered from reading status updates on facebook, people were either in Mexico, on a cruise, on a cruise to Mexico, in the Bahamas, on some other island or were home complaining about the people who were posting about how fabulous their vacations were..

I had the privilege and good fortune to be able to take my three sons to Miami beach..which, apparently, while none of us were looking, became home of the chupka. What is a chupka? Well, my friend who originally hails from boro park, home of the seamed opaque stocking, snood and doc martins for women, explained to me that the terry cloth turbans that have been appearing on every third womans head in Miami beach is actually a chupka. My boys thought is was something ultra-religious women wear on days you read the Torah....whatever a chupka is, they are alive and well in Miami and the paparazzi in front of the fontainbleau enjoy taking pictures of the women wearing them....or maybe they were there to take pictures of Justin bieber, who knows.....someone told me that you can buy these turbans/chupkas at bed bath and beyond..and I am thinking of bringing the trend to my home town....pancake hats on the island of long and chupkas in teaneck...you never know....

Back to vacation.....son #1 and I did the chai lifeline half marathon for the second year in a row...that is what brought us to Miami. Husband #1 thought it would be a fantastic idea for the whole family to go this year. Fantastic for him maybe, because he was stuck in new York while I was hanging out with the bickering brothers from hell. Could you hear them in Mexico? On your cruise ships? In chuckie cheese?(if you were in chuckie cheese, you are exempt from answering the rhetorical question...you have enough problems...) The only time they weren't
fighting was when I was buying them snacks at walgreens....but there are only so many snacks......and then husband #1 showed up and I had someone to bicker with so balance was restored and all was right with the universe.

Son #1 and I finished the marathon in record time (record time for us....)and we were proud to be part of team lifeline. Chai lifeline is such an incredible organization and we pray for the quick and painless recovery for all those we know, and don't know, who are suffering from life threatening illnesses....

Happy monday

Tuesday January 25,2011

2011-01-25T14:06:00.001-08:00

Ahhhhhh...

Here we are in Miami beach. Son#1 and I are doing the chai lifeline half marathon, again. Last year, we had quality mother-eldest child bonding..this year, his brothers came along, which could explain why I have already had two daquiris....husband #1 will hopefully be joining us in a few days...depending on the impending snow storm back home....in miami beach, it isn't snowing. But I am here doing a good deed, we raised almost 7 thousand dollars, so it's all good.

When husband #1 dropped us off, as he drove away, I could swear I heard him yelling "free at last, free at last, thank god almighty, I am free at last..."wasn't Martin Luther kings day last week?? Wonder what he's yelling about....I, of course will be shouting that next Monday, hopefully, when my boys are back in school...but for now, I am enjoying those precious moments when they all get along (and continue drinking when they are bickering....is that wrong?)

Sprung for wireless in the room because apparently, tonights activity is watching the Ohio state against purdue. I thought purdue was a chicken company so I don't know what these boys are talking about and I need to watch the biggest loser...and maybe a movie..the possibilities are endless and no one will notice what I am doing anyway...

Happy tuesday

Sunday, January 23, 2011

2011-01-23T15:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so confused...

I'm blogging during the jets game. Is that wrong? Though I'm from the ny/nj area, I'm not allowed to cheer the jets onto victory. I am routing for the steelers. Why? Because our friend and neighbor(and doctor) is a steelers fan and we do not want our quality of medical care, or friendship, or neighborly relationship to change. Though, I am pretty sure that if the Vikings or the giants were playing the steelers, it would be ok to not want the steelers to win. This whole football thing makes no sense to me, yet, I will be sad when the season is over because i will miss being ignored(unless of course someone is hungry or a lightbulb goes out)and going to the movies by myself. I am sad that the bears lost because my sister in law is from Chicago and she wanted them to win....but apparently we know a bunch of packer fans, and our good friends have the last name packer so we should be happy and sad about that victory all at the same time. Makes no sense at all.

Though one would think that with men getting so emotionally involved in this ridiculous game that they would learn to channel that passion and that emotion into their everyday lives..but no, that is just not the case....oh well...we women can continue to dream that one day, our spouses will come home from work and begin chanting our names with the same gusto that those idiots are shouting j-e-t-s jets jets jets...

Blah blah blah....

Happy sunday

Wednesday, January 20, 2011

2011-01-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

And it all begins in a shopping mall......

Son #1 finished the first half of his first year of high school. This totally freaked me out so I decided to try and forget about how quickly time is passing and I took him to the mall to buy new "dress" shoes. (apparently, there was an incident over the weekend which involved him almost dropping a Torah because he tripped over his shoes..,which of course, was my fault because he told me that he needed new ones-for the record, he told me no such thing, but, it is still my fault....)

Off to the mall we go. I was very excited about this outing because, being the mother of only sons and having really skinny friends that have little patience to shop with someone who isn't a sample size, I am often alone at the mall(which isn't necessarily a bad thing because you can't get into too much trouble when you are alone) so here I had my handsome companion with me and I thought that, aside from the mother son bonding, I could, perhaps, do some shopping for myself as well.

WHAT WAS I THINKING???????? Mom, do you really need another necklace? Mom, that dress would look ridiculous on you....mom, don't you already have boots? Mom, I am not going into that department with you....mom, I thought we were here for me?!? Mom, can I please have that? And that? And that? Don't tell dad, he will ask why I needed that (and that..and that...) welcome to my world, kid.

So in the end, son #1 got really nice shoes (which, of course husband #1 had to comment on the price, because his new shoes are from....kohls..(there, I said it, my husband shops at kohls.....oh god....) son #1 also got several other things, that we won't go into, but let's just say there might be a Vikings flag hanging out some random window on some random street in teaneck...soon to be followed by pink flamingoes on the lawn, accompanied by a large tatooed man wearing a wife beater, sitting on a rusty lounge chair and drinking a beer(look what i have driven husband #1 to.....that was an odd tangent to go on....)

Point is, going to the mall with your son is like going to the mall with any man....if he's not the focus of attention, no one is happy...(oh wait, that's me...oh that's why son#1 had such a good time....but man, I do love that kid...)

Happy Thursday and happy birthday to my adorable dimpled nephew who is 18 today!!!!!

Monday January 17,2011

2011-01-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

Things your mother never taught you...but would've been nice if she mentioned....

Did you know that when your son decides that his half eaten Hershey bar is dirty and he puts it in his pants pocket so it will get clean in the laundry, if you put it in the dryer it makes all of the clothing smell like chocolatey goodness??

Did you know that even if all of your spoiled brats, I mean children, each have their own iPods and iPod chargers, no one can ever find one when their iPods die and it's your fault?!? (not the dads fault, only the moms fault, I guess if the dads could have nursed these kids for almost a year then it could be their fault...)

Did you know that dishes magically fly into the dishwashers?

Did you know that a tornado actually does go through some childrens bedrooms every freaking day?!?!

Did you know that when you give your first husband a teeny tiny errand to run, unless you specifically write out the geographic location, with longitude and latitude, he can't figure it out and comes home empty handed?(and expects you to be ok with it?!? Seriously?!?)

Did you know that if you put 8 socks in the wash, you will always only get 7 back???

That's all I got...for now..

Happy monday

Wednesday January 12,2011

2011-01-12T05:33:00.000-08:00

This is what I come up with when I have to much time on my hands.....

Recently, I have been watching episodes of top chef. For those of you who don't watch it, top chef is a reality show that takes a bunch of really good chefs, has them do various cooking challenges, and then whittles them down to one, who becomes the top chef(hence the name of the show.) now, I enjoy this show because, though it involves food, it does not make me hungry.

These culinary geniuses make things with foods that don't even sound the least bit appetizing. I am fully aware that my culinary pallete is perfectly happy with a delicious tuna melt and onion rings..but who would really enjoy frog leg chili on a bed of braised leeks and olives? So it got me thinking....the biggest loser, which is one of my favorite shows, which is a show about people even bigger than I am, who eat large pizzas like skinny bitches eat watercress, should combine with top chef. The chefs present portions of food on teeny tiny plates, some of them even serve on just spoons-how could that even be filling? Well, it's not, so they should be feeding it to the biggest loser contestants,,,I think it's a genius idea....but that's just me..

Last night on the biggest loser, one team sent the other team a box of donuts....cruel,I know..but the team who received the donuts, all took turns stomping on the box. The guy who brought the box to the dumpster, almost took a bite out of one of the stomped on donuts.,..which,I'm embarrassed to admit, I could relate too...poor guy, but I think with the help of the cameras on him, he didn't give into temptation, and I was proud of him. But if he had a top chef dessert of bacon ice cream on a roasted blueberry-he most likely would not have been tempted in the first place.....I'm just saying....

Happy wednesday

Sunday January 9,2011

2011-01-09T05:07:00.000-08:00

TIMBER!!!!!!!!

This past weekend was truly wonderful. Son #2 became a man(which he kept telling us last night when he refused to go to sleep..). He did an incredible job reading from the Torah and leading the services. He was charming and adorable. Our families were all together, the food was delicious(thank you Alan shulman from Celebrations...you rocked it again!!) It was really special. But, since it's all about me...let's recap the mother-of-the-bar mitzvah-boy-speech that almost wasn't....and I wish I was kidding...

So husband #1 introduces me....I walk up to the podium....and begin speaking. Now, you know in the movies when you hear a sound effect in the background that sounds like a heart beating...and then starts beating faster and faster? Ya, that was me. Out of nowhere, my heart starts to hurt and beat really really fast....I start to sweat(which was good because of the possible weight loss, but bad because, well I was standing in front of 350 people) as I am reading the words and looking out into the crowd, I'm thinking "holy crap, I am not going to be able to finish reading this, what is wrong with me?" so I try to calm down and make a joke about having a hot flash, thinking it might help...nope...I get really cold, start sweating more, start losing feeling in my hands and feet...look at husband #1 and say "I think I am going to pass out...."

Long story short...I sit down, next to son #2, which ended up being really nice, finish the speech...and when it's over, my brother in law Dave and my parents friend, Seymour, rush up to take my pulse and see how I'm feeling.(one a doctor, one an emt, respectively) turns out, the big girl, who eats all of the time, should've eaten that particular morning...who knew? But how is this funny? Well apparently the OTHER doctors in the audience, and there were lots of them, were afraid the big girl was going to take a tumble....and they were all afraid that they'd have to pick up my lifeless, now normal range bmi body from the stage..real nice guys, real nice....well, If you were nervous, think about what was I was thinking....if I passed out, my big, control top stocking covered tushie might be exposed for all to see....that's not pretty at all(even though I still maintain there were some relatives and friends secretly hoping I'd pass out...not mentioning any names....)

But in the end, it was fine. I was fine....it was all fine. And I got to have yummy cocktails with my sister when it was all over.

Happy sunday

Wednesday take two....

2011-01-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

They grow up so quickly...

Son#1 has two friends sleeping over tonight. First, he made them hot dogs for dinner...and served them on my dairy dishes. I explained to his friends, when I got home and saw the dishes, that son#1 has only been living with us for a few months and doesn't know the difference between the meat and dairy dishes just yet....give him some time.

Now I hear son#1 trying to inflate the aeromattress for one of the boys.....he told me he didn't need my help and he would take care of it. From what I can hear, I don't think he realizes that he has to close off the other side of the mattress, thereby allowing the air to stay in said mattress. He is his father's son, after all. I wonder how long it will take him to realize what is going wrong....but I am letting him handle it on his own....cutting just a teeny tiny bit of the umbilical cord...but only a teeny tiny bit....

As for son #2...it feels like just yesterday when my in laws asked me if they should go to Israel since I was due..I told them to go and have a safe trip. And as soon as their plane landed in the holy land, my cute little son #2 started making his descent into the world....and now he is a man....(cue sunrise sunset and someone get me a tissue.....)

Happy wednesday...again....

Wednesday January 5,2011

2011-01-04T21:06:00.000-08:00

I will regret this in the morning...

This is the first time I can recall blogging because I can't fall asleep. Son#2's bar mitzvah is in three days and I have all of these thoughts in my head, swirling around, just like the snow that is swirling around in the atmosphere waiting to hit land on....Friday through Saturday....fan-freaking-tactic. It's ok because there was a monsoon during son#1's bar mitzvah....

It's not like I am making the most intricate bar mitzvah but yet, there is much to do and only so much time to do it in. I've got to write a speech..a well censored, humorous without being insulting or self deprecating, less than five minute speech. I also have to go to shop rite because pasta is on sale. That actually has nothing to do with the bar nmitzva, but pasta is never 49 cents a box, so I must take advantage of that...and it will make husband #1 so proud that with everything going on, I took the time to save him some money. That is what keeps our love alive..

I must try to sleep now....because a cranky banji is not very pleasant to be around....

Happy wednesday

Thursday December 30,2010

2010-12-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

New years resolution gone horribly astray.....

A year ago I began this blog and when I went back to see what new years nonsensical wisdom I had to share, I discovered that I didn't share any at all...so surprising considering how freely I share other pearls of wisdom...so here is a new years blog...

Resolutions are stupid. In theory.,.they are great..I resolve to lose weight..I resolve to be a better person...I resolve to be a better spouse...a better mom...a better friend....a better daughter-wait, if I need to make all of these resolutions, I must totally suck as a human being and need to change every aspect of my personality. Now I know that some or most or all of you reading this agree with that last statement.....but I resolve to make more realistic resolutions...

I resolve to wait at least 3 minutes before calling husband #1 and yelling at him for one thing or another(because it's always something with these men-am I right ladies?!?) so 3 minutes is a realistic amount of time..in 2010 it was only 45 seconds...but in 2011, I am being a totally new and more understanding wife. Go me!

I resolve not to make fun of the scary people at THE GYM anymore..granted, my membership is up in three weeks(awwwwww) but if these people are comfortable with being hungry and cranky all of the time, who am I to judge. So, again, a totally realistic resolution.

I resolve to.....who really cares. Part of having narcissistic personality disorder is living in a delusional world where one thinks they are perfect. So, I am going to stay in that world..invite you to join me in it-that way, we can all be perfect together!

Sounds good to me...happy 2011 everyone...may all of your resolutions come to fruition...and may those of us over 40 remember to write the right year down when filling out paperwork....

Happy thursday

Monday December 27,2010

2010-12-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

Love and snow

On this snowy, cold day we are all bundled up inside with our loved ones. Our spouses have made warm toasty fires in the fire place..our children are making arts and crafts projects and helping bake cookies and hot chocolate with marshmallows....

Remember English class when you would be given a sentence with lots of mistakes and you had to correct it?? Well, let's take a look at the above sentence and see how we can make it right....

On this freaking freezing and windy day when we are stuck inside with our loved ones who couldn't go to school because it was closed and who didn't go to work because he thought it would score some points with his wife..

.our spouses did not make a fire because we have already lost one house on this block to an explosion and we really don't want to lose another one (aside from the fact that we have no idea how to make a fire....and the house wouldn't be so freaking freezing if we would leave the heat on a little higher....)

Our children are playing xbox and yelling at each other that with all of the computers on the wireless connection isn't strong enough and no one wants to go outside because who wants to get even colder than they are inside....bake cookies?? Are you nuts? Mom just told us she ate all of her points for the day by 10 am which means she will be really really cranky in another twenty minutes or so and if we make hot
chocolate and leave the mugs all over the kitchen counter she will start yelling at us about how ungrateful we are and then she will start drinking right out of the vodka bottle again and we will have to do another intervention and send her back to rehab, but son #2's bar mitzvah
is in less than two weeks and if she isn't there, people will ask questions.....

Happy Monday...

(on a side note...everyone is getting along..I haven't been drinking and husband #1 is spending quality time with his boys....for now...)

Sunday December 26,2010

2010-12-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

The real housewives of the five towns.....

I had the pleasure of going out to the island of long this weekend. I even had my hair done so I would almost fit in...almost being the operative word...It was filled with good friends, good food and a wonderful celebration. What I wasn't expecting was to be in the audience of a reality show....saturday mornings entertainment was a pleasant surprise.

Now, I am happy to report that even though the majority of these women have not eaten since the early 90's, there were a few that made me feel right at home. So that was a good start.(though perhaps those women were only let in as guests, maybe they aren't allowed to live there..,hmmmm) But then it goes down hill...no one sent me the memo that I was supposed to be wearing a teeny tiny pancake on my head with a feather sticking out of it. Perhaps that is because they were afraid that I would eat the pancake, but it seems that this is quite fashionable in the island of long...these pancakes come in many variations, the most popular seemed to be the leopard print pancake..wonder if that one tastes like actual leopard....

Now the problem with these hats is that if your head is too big, and you are wearing the little hat,..you look, well, you look like husband #1 does when he tries to wear a hat..,it makes for good comedy, but beyond that...just breakaway from the pack and wear a bigger hat....it will be ok....

It was a great fashion show..cartier's new line of watches seemed to grace the wrists of many of these women, but then someone told me that there is a person who sells them for 200 dollars so now I am all disturbed and the fantasy is shattered...but I will just give the watches
the benefit of the doubt...and, after all, jewelry always fits and never makes you look fat..unless you are fat and you are only wearing
jewelry....

But in the end, it wasn't about which mothers were going to give their daughters nose jobs,,,it wasn't about the husbands who sit downstairs
totally oblivious to the antics of their wives in the seats above them....it wasnt about being ignored by the same people who ignored me in college..it was about spending time with wonderful friends and wishing them and their family all the happiness in the world.....

Happy sunday

Monday December 20,2010

2010-12-20T19:27:00.000-08:00

I really am forty.....

There are many indications that one is getting old. Gray hair (check), forgetfulness(check), inability to read something while wearing your glasses(check), and your first visit to the podiatrist(check). Yes, I know there are other indicators, but, I would like to discuss my visit to the podiatrist...(oh and repeating things is another indicator..check)

Some of you know that I walk...a lot. I walk because then I can eat more, and I eat because I know I can walk(vicious cycle and the reason why I will never be skinny...what can you do...) a few days ago, in addition to my usual aches and pains, I felt something was terribly amiss with my left foot...so much so, that I stopped walking and googled a variety of worst-case-scenarios on web md....long story short, made an appointment at the podiatrist.

When husband#1 said he was going to come with me, I got a little nervous because I thought I might actually have one of the worst-case-scenarios and no one was telling me. But, apparently, he was being a doting spouse..two words I have just put together for the first time!!(sorry, I'll be nice..thanks for coming with me husband #1...I won't get you another snuggie for your birthday this year...)

Back to the podiatrist...turns out, it's a neuroma-which when you look up it's original meaning translates to "you're getting old and it sucks for you, baby!!" ya...the nice podiatrist-man glued something to my foot and told me to call him in a week. He said I can try walking again tomorrow...hopefully, I will be healed for the chai lifeline half marathon, which is in six weeks, otherwise, husband #1 will be wearing my customized shirt which reads "fatmom...."

Here's to hoping we all age gracefully and in good health....

Happy monday

Thursday December 16,2010

2010-12-16T13:42:00.000-08:00

But since he didn't ask me......

My father in law is editing a bar mitzvah book. This means he is compiling a bunch of "words of Torah" written by esteemed rabbis and relatives alike, putting them together into a book, which people can then buy, and use those "words of Torah" at their bar mitzvas.....so you would think that having a daughter in law who is as talented as I am in the writing department(oh wait, he has never read my blog or anything else that I have written over the years) and the fact that I only have sons, he would have asked me to write something for the book...ahh, that wasn't to be...so, this is what I would have written, had he asked me, as sort of a humorous take on being a mother of the bar mitzvah boy.....well, not exactly, but the rejection is what has prompted this blog....

I love my sons...when they were born I thought their bar mitzvahs were millenniums away...but that was not the case. They went from breast feeding, to practicing their speeches in less time than it takes to say " why can't you pee in the toilet instead of on the toilet..". In the eyes of god, they are supposed to be men, but they look so freaking adorable in their suits...totally not like men, more like handsome older versions of their infant selves. Lately, while in the privacy of my car, the tears can't stop flowing when I think about how fast it's going...wasn't it just yesterday that i said to husband number one " uh, honey, I'm pregnant.." and he said "but son number one is only 7 months old..."
Wasn't it just yesterday?!?!?!?

Older friends of mine who only have sons have expressed how they feel about the non-existent roles that they played at their sons weddings (exept for that of the evil mother in law)...in gearing up for that, I am taking advantage of the very important role I have at their bar mitzvahs...making sure they practice their speeches so much that even the spiders in our house know the speech by heart, reminding them
to practice their Torah portion so they don't have 200 men correcting their mistakes, taking them for suits, picking out the menus, picking out clothes for me that I like, not some ridiculous color that my future daughter in law that I will love even if she has three heads and a tattoo,
has picked out for me....doing place cards, fielding responses, willing those relatives and out-of-towners that haven't responded to respond without my having to make threatening phone calls, making gift bags, picking out hostess gifts, boring my friends, who I love, with all of the inane details and breakdowns....but, I have enjoyed every minute of it...every single second, because THEY STILL NEED ME!!!!!!! my boys still need me....

I need a drink.....

Happy thursday

Tuesday December 14,2010

2010-12-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

Love ain't what it used to be......

My life is falling apart. Everytime I turn on the news, another fabulous couple has called it quits. Eva and Tony- I couldn't believe it!! When we made her bridal shower she seemed so in love...the wedding in France...does it get more fabulous than that??? How could he sext with someone else?? It was bad enough what tiger did to elin...the world is coming to an end...

And then today I hear about Ryan Reynolds and scarlet-over. Not even married a year....seriously?!?!? How am I supposed to believe in love? How is it, that I, the total opposite of scarlett, can make a marriage work for over 15 years?? Is it because husband #1 has incredibly low standards?? Is it because I have an incredible amount of patience?!?! Or could it be the three kids that live with us....who knows....I am just really disappointed in these couples. But then there is my boyfriend Rick....who admits to cheating on me and his hot wife, but realizes how important it is to stay committed and work it out(with his hot wife, not me..not yet anyway...)

Different strokes for different folks....god bless us all and give us married folks the patience, wisdom and understanding not to kill our spouses and bury them in the backyard...in the dead of night...when no one is looking....

Happy Tuesday!!

Wednesday December 8, 2010

2010-12-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

I have figured it out...

So I have been going to THE GYM for almost five months now. When I first started, I got the same sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I go to the dentist...but I would take a deep breath and walk in with my head held high. Any weight that I have lost while going to THE GYM, has not been because I go there, it has been because no matter how long you spin for, if you come home and eat a box of wacky Mac(cooked of course, that stuff is nasty raw) you aren't going to lose weight...so I have been spinning and refraining from any and all wacky mac (a new years resolution that I have actually stuck to...oh, not January 1, 2010 new year, the Jewish new year..which was only in september, but three months is still quite impressive..,)

Anyway, my big complaint about THE GYM, aside from the fact that most people there could get knocked down by a slight breeze and I feel like gulliver when I am there, is that the staff is not so friendly. My friends insist that it is all in my head, but I know when people are ignoring me...I have had years of experience being ignored..totally know what that feels like...but, I have had an epiphany as to why no one is friendly.

Tough love. If no one is friendly to me, the fat one, but they are friendly to the skinny ones, I will be motivated to stop eating, become one dimensional and gain their respect and friendship. I totally get it now. And my answer to them is...kiss my white fluffy ass....when you belong to other gyms, they say hello when you walk in and have a nice day when you leave. It doesn't matter if you are 400 pounds or 40 pounds...sometimes, they don't even look up when they say it-but they still say it.

I will finish up my free last six weeks ( thx again to my friend who gave me the six months...I really do love the spinning there) and I will find a friendly gym, where the fat folks and the skinny folks can feel free to be themselves and co-mingle....where no one feels judged and everyone is smiling and happy....ahh-a girl can dream....

Happy wednesday

Sunday december 5, 2010

2010-12-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

Quotes to get you through life......

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger(or eat more...)

You can't pick your family, but if you could.....hmmmmm

Life is to short to hold grudges....but why not

People only care about themselves....so don't take it personally...(but I do anyway)

Smile and the world smiles with you...(total load of crap....)

And my favorite, which I have said many, many times before...food is love.

That is all I got...the migraine has taken over my brain...

SERENITY NOW SERENITY NOW

Happy Sunday
Ps I am totally aware at how bad today's blog is...but, if I wrote what I really wanted to....it wouldn't be pretty, cathartic, maybe...but not pretty.
Happy freaking Chanukah....

Thursday December 2,2010

2010-12-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

The season of giving.....but giving what???

I grew up in a home where we got a Chanukah present for every night of the holiday. My brother and I learned how to unwrap and rewrap gifts so my parents wouldn't know we had invaded the pile. Some gifts were good, some....not so good. But this was back in the day before every cool gift started with an "I"..... We were even excited with board games back in the 70's. A much simpler time. Husband #1 was not brought up the same way and gift giving was not a priority...something that continues to this day. But that is ok, because I am perfectly happy buying my own gifts.

As for my children....in the past I have attempted the "one gift a night" tradition from my family. Sometimes, this has back fired "are you kidding me??? Pajama pants??? I am never wearing those ever,,,". I can imagine his reaction if I had gotten him the Barbie doll...you win some and you lose some. This year, I am losing, especially with son #3. apparently, his friends are all getting gifts every night. When he tells me what they have gotten, I have to say " but you have that already... " clearly not the point he is trying to make. When i say " but we took you on a cruise..". That doesn't help. "there are kids everywhere who don't get anything and didn't go on a cruise" ...also doesn't help.

And then, crazy psycho mom emerges..."YOU ARE THE MOST SPOILED BRATTY KID IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!!!!!!".

Much better. Hope your holiday season is filled with miracles....

Happy thursday

Sunday November 28,2010

2010-11-28T19:11:00.000-08:00

Row row row your boat.....

So in the end, despite the original protest by some of my ungrateful children(we can't call them spoiled because they love traveling in a minivan and staying in crappy hotels)the banji birthday cruise was a success. Son #1 ate his weight in soft serve ice cream, son #2 didn't throw son #3 overboard, husband #1 got to relax and I got to sit in the sun and read two and a half books and not gain any weight(though if I had been able to take a stab at some of those buffets, that would not have happened...)

But more importantly, we had some real quality family bonding time that didn't involve any batting practices, extra innings or rain delays. The ship had a variety of shows ranging from "band on the run", which we renamed "bad on the run", to some real funny comedians to some cirque desoleil stuff. The cirque stuff had one woman in particular who we will call "bendy Barbie."

As I watched my boys watch this woman, a woman with no body fat, but perfect boobs, who was able to take her leg and put it over her shoulder...I wondered what was going through their minds. Luckily, son #3 let me know exactly what he was thinking when he covered his eyes and said "oh gross...you can see her underwear..". Kid, I don't think she is wearing any underwear- that looks like a full body stocking with tactfully placed sequins.....just a tad inappropriate for a cruise that had 850 kids on board.

Truthfully, I was more concerned that my boys would think all womens bodies bend like that....but then i remembered that I am their only female role model(heaven help them) and all they see me doing is bending down and picking up laundry...so hopefully they will have realistic expectations of what women are capable of.....

Happy Sunday

Sunday November 21,2010

2010-11-21T03:06:00.000-08:00

If I get arrested.....

Today we are leaving for the banji birthday family cruise...better known as "what the hell was I thinking". In the event that it does not go according to plan....plan being, sons#1, 2 and 3 get along perfectly, everyone ,besides me, finds something they like to eat, and husband #1 and I don't decide to get a quickie divorce in the Bahamas...please send this letter to the Norwegian cruise line police department...

Dear police chief:

It has come to our attention that you have arrested banji dawn latkin ganchrow for attempted murder. First of all, with a name like hers, you can't blame her for being a tad unhinged....but more importantly, the following reasons will shed new light on her situation and convince you to let her go free.

Packing for this cruise caused undue stress. It is very difficult to pack for three boys, four, if you include her first husband, when they all are picky about their food preferences. Ms. Latkin-ganchrow(no, she isn't a feminist, she just likes to annoy her first husband by using her maiden name)had to pack five packages of sprinkle cookies, six packages of not-too-well-done Stella doro cookies, six containers of pringles, three different kinds of Hershey kisses, two different kinds of soda, twenty four water bottles, three loaves of bread, four packages of cheese, six packages of turkey, three dozen rolls, a grilled cheese maker and a partridge in a pear tree-keeping in mind that the partridge would just not get into the suitcase.....

Once on board, sons # 1 and 2 deserted son#3, which caused that third son to run around the ship in a panic and then caused the captain of the ship to pull over in the middle of the ocean to reprimand her children. His exact words were "we are turning this ship around unless you kids can behave.". You can imagine her embarrassment and of course husband #1 was watching football in a bar(don't worry, he wasn't drinking...)somewhere on the other side of the boat and had no idea what was going on(surprising, I know).

In any event, it was just all too much for her and when she lined them all up and tried to throw them all overboard, something had come over her that she just couldn't control.

Please be lenient....she really is a good egg, deep, deep down.

Happy Sunday.....

Friday November 19,2010

2010-11-19T04:05:00.000-08:00

You just can't win.....ever

Because I am a totally selfless person, for my 40th birthday( yes, I know it's over, but it's all about me, so is it really ever over???) In lieu of diamond earrings, I told husband #1 that we should take our lovely boys on a cruise. HE wanted to go with just me(go figure) I thought it would be nice to take the kids on a vacation that didn't involve a motel 6 or peeing while the minivan was moving.

So for the last six weeks we have kept this secret from the kids. I was more excited about surprising them then I was about the actual cruise. Every time I would see one of those commercials on tv where the parents would surprise the kids with a trip to Disney world and the kids would scream their heads off with delight, I got so happy because I knew my kids reaction would be so similar and we would be making all of their dreams come true.

Who was I kidding??? What dream world was I living in. Son #1 informed me that he would rather stay home and I was ruining his vacation and son # 2 said he would rather go to a rams game in st Louis. The love and gratitude was just pouring out of everyone and I even said a few choice that I haven't said in years...(well, maybe not years..hours perhaps?) the worst part of the whole thing, at the time, the story gets even better, is that i had to admit that husband #1 was right...yes, there is a first for everything.(fortunately, my readership has gone down, so not as many people will see my admission) but am still hoping that the boys will change their tune.

The end of the story......son#2 was throwing up all night.......this can't be good....

Happy friday

friday november 12, 2010

2010-11-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

now that i am forty....

Going through my closet last night, i realized that are certain things that i will never be wearing again. things i have been holding on to, but the combination of not having any girls to hand down clothes to and not getting any younger or acquiring any less cellulite(bad visual, i know, i apologize) it was time to let some of these items go.

These items included shorts i wore in camp hillel in 1990, anything i wore at the concord hotel between the years of 1986-1989 (say goodbye to all of those RELAX sweatshirts and matching leggings....), anything that had an ESPRIT label(for those of you from my generation, you know how cool esprit used to be...)and any pair of pants that were white or i wore on a date with guys before i dated husband #1....

at the end of the evening, there was a huge pile of clothing, sprinkled with my tears. Mind you, while i was purging my closet, i had xm sattelite 80s music on, which made me cry even more. It was a sight..crying, dancing and putting stuff in the pile(quick run to the fridge for a swig of mikes hard lemonade) and repeat....it was quite the night. But i accomplished a lot. The good news is, i also got rid of a lot of fat clothes, which will only be a problem if i get really fat again....but thats for another time. I also got rid of all maternity clothes...if i need those again, that would certainly be a problem....

So now my closet is filled with only sensible 40 year old clothing, i mean clothing appropriate for a 40 year old. I have no idea what that means, but there are only clothes from this century in my closet now.(now in my mothers house, i am sure i could still find my sweet 16 dress...bat mitzva dress..etc etc etc)I feel pretty good about that, and husband #1 feels even better because now the closet isn't such a disaster.

As for the week in review....the highlight was son #2 coming home from israel in 1 piece. His bar mitzva is in 8 weeks. Dress shopping was not the highlight, as you can well imagine because i HATE shopping, but, it was successful so i will not be wearing my rick springfield tshirt to synagogoue,,,even though son #2 knows how happy that would make me...

Happy Friday

Friday November 5,2010

2010-11-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

The week in review.....

It was a good week. So far forty has been fabulous, fantastic, fattening, and fun.....I only have one new person not speaking to me, didn't put on any weight celebrating this week and used my new "I'm forty and I'm letting it all roll off my back" attitude when dealing with both my mom and my father in law....so it's been pretty great (as the ulcer is taking shape and growing...)

I have decided that I will be blogging once a week....on Fridays....unless something really interesting happens- like, someone at THE GYM eats a chocolate bar or i marry my boyfriend Rick...otherwise, Fridays it is.....so now that the above paragraph reviewed the week, I would like to discuss lulu lemon.....

Lululemon is a brand of exercise clothes that discriminates against fat people. Aren't fat people the ones who need to exercise?? Their clothing only goes up to a size 12. For the oblivious men who read this clothing sizes start at a size zero (Courtney cox) and continue through beyond size 22(oprah at her heaviest...) so a twelve is pretty average exept to people at THE GYM, when a twelve is
Their worst nightmare...anyway....i was in the mall today and I passed the store. In the window of the store is a mannequin- a plus size mannequin....a mannequin who would not fit into any of the clothes in the store (perhaps that is why she was naked...). I went into the store and asked the 5"10,100 pound saleslady why they would have a mannequin like that outside of the store and she looked at me with kind, hungry eyes and said "miss, we have some relaxed fit clothes if you need them....". Ouch. Even the mannequin cringed. The irony was totally lost on her and i went home and had some cheesecake.....

Happy Friday

Wednesday November 3, 2010

2010-11-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Shhhhhhh

I am not supposed to be blogging anymore. I told everyone that I was done...I promised husband #1 that i was done...but, since I stuck to the promise about not blogging about his family, even with all of the good material that would have come from it...I am going to break the blogging promise because I need to report on how forty is going. Truthfully, I don't think anyone will even see this post, so I could probably write whatever I wanted and totally get away with it......but just in case, I will behave...

Forty has been pretty good so far. Still haven't had a heart attack while spinning, haven't started menopause yet....got a free shake at the gym(even though they claimed that they had no vodka to spice up the enticing berry-twig combination they call a drink) and today, I bought a sweater in the petit department in nordstroms and nobody pointed and laughed at me!!!!!! That's right, in the two plus days since i have turned forty, I am now a petite.....a petite large, but petite nonetheless......and while telling them about my favorite sweater dress from new years eve 1984, they couldn't believe I was forty!!! (yes, the denial is setting in..have no fear..who looks forty? Forty is the new twenty and my metabolism should be back any day now......)

So it's been good, thank god.

Happy Wednesday......

monday november 1,2010

2010-11-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

what i know for sure
(taken without permission from oprah winfrey, for any of you who read the magazine..)

I turned 40 today...in case you weren't aware of this fact. Since December 31 i have been keeping a blog. A blog filled with funny, stupid, mundane and sometimes just ridiculous information about me, my family and life in general. And it has been really fun. It has been fun getting positive feedback, it has even been fun getting negative feedback because what i know for sure, is that people are the quintessential enigma. You never know how any one person will take something you say or write or feel. Never. Ever.

What i know for sure is that i love sons #1,2 and 3 more than i ever thought humanly possible and i am so grateful that i was blessed with them. Husband #1 gets annoyed because sometimes i make the mistake of telling him that I love them more than i love him...but, lets be real, they are from me. They have the misfortune of living with a woman who is out of her mind, but they are my best audience and knowing full well that the day will come when they will love someone more than me, i plan on taking advantage of having them around until i let them go. And, even though you dont believe me, I will let them go when that time comes. Perhaps that blog will be called ohcrapimstuckwithjustariwhaththehelldoidonow...

What i know for sure is that the majority of people are full of crap, are full of insecurities and some of them, well, just need to eat something so they will be physically full and not be so damned cranky.

What i know for sure is that i received three birthday cards from husband #1, Son #1 and son #3 and the words Birthday (spelled "birtday") Summer (spelled "sumer") and Laugh (spelled "laf") were all spelled incorrectly...this made me realize that, perhaps, i am not the best mom in the world after all...or perhaps i am just paying way too much for tuition and not getting my moneys worth(though, one of the words was written by husband #1..so i can just blame that on his parents....that one was out of my hands...)

what i know for sure is that even though i spent tonight at a ranger game, a team that i dont even like, my kids (well not son #2 because he is in israel..) and husband #1 were really happy that i was there with them...and i told the boys that when they turn 40, they can tell their kids what a great mom I was to go to ranger game on such a big milestone in my life (ya..not a chance...but i can dream that they will say that...)

what i know for sure...is that i really dont know all that much....i know that i am too honest, i know that most people suck and you have to be lucky to find the good ones...and even if you think you have found the good ones-sometimes they end up sucking too so i really have nothing else to say on that subject except for good luck with that one....

On a scale of 1-10,i give the first 40 years about a 7 1/2-8.....as for the next 40-the advice i have received from my many, many facebook friends ranged from "be happy you aren't dead" to "the next 40 will pleasantly surprise you with lots of good things...." I would like to go with the later of those two mentioned.

Holy crap I am 40....cant wait to see what the next chapter in my life holds in store....and i wish all of you only good chapters...

thanks for reading.

Happy Monday

Sunday,early,October 31, 2010

2010-10-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

One day to go......

This was my last Saturday night in my 30's. I have had many crazy sat nights in my almost forty years, I have also had many pathetic-I-have-no-life-no one-will-ever-love-me Saturday nites(though not recently...) and tonight, was a really fun night...a perfect segway into, what husband#1 so kindly pointed out, my fifth decade..holy freaking crap MY FIFTH DECADE.....when did this happen?!?!?!?!

Anyway, tonight I went to a really happening bar in teaneck, nj...it was so happening that they had a bouncer, a velvet rope situation before you entered the premises, a cover charge..who knew that in teaneck, nj there was such a happening place. The only problem was the dj never heard of my boyfriend Rick Springfield, did not know about eighties music and kept playing the same techno crap over and over and over again. I still danced a little bit, though my friends who came with me were not as enthusiastic about dancing...but I still had a great time....and we were all home before midnight,..,holy crap, I really am going to be forty..home before midnight-and that was a real happening night for me(actually for all of us who went out....)

I know that I only have one more post after this....i really appreciate all of you who have been reading my nonsense over the past ten months....It saddens me that I won't be able to share with all of you the first time I get my hair professionally colored(and it turns purple,with my luck), the first time I realize that I am going through menopause(really looking forward to that), the first time I pee in my pants from coughing....the first time I meet my future daughters in law.....and the list goes on and on..all very exciting things....all things I know you are just dying to hear about...but, alas, all of this ends on Monday....when then first day of the rest of my life begins(but isn't that everyday??)

Happy sunday

friday october 29, 2010

2010-10-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

is it inevitable?

my parents have always been pretty creative with gifts...they gave husband #1 and i a gift each month for the first year we were married (did they only think we would be married a year? hey, never thought to ask that questions...) anyway, now, for anniversarys, they give us gift certificates for take out places or restaurants (a gift for me because i dont have to cook and a gift for husband #1 in case he doesnt like my cooking..hey, never thought to ask that question either..) anyway, i am in the take out store and a jewish husband walks in and says to the man " i will take a pound of smoked turkey roll." " im sorry sir," the man behind the counter replied, "we only have smoked turkey OR turkey roll."

the jewish husband got a look of panic on his face...that look of "oh no, if i get the wrong thing, she will use this as an excuse not to have sex with me...she will use this as an excuse to scream at me...she will use this as an excuse not to have my parents over for another 6 months..." and i knew what was going to happen next..he took out his cell phone and dialed frantically, hoping that his wife would answer the phone, then answer him...and all would be right with the world again.

this is my question...how do i avoid this happening to my sons??? how do i avoid them turning into quivering morons that dont know how to do anything on their own? somehow, my parents did this with my brother-he can cook, shop, clean, take care of the kids without any major disasters taking place..how did they do this with him? i have absolutely no idea.

any suggestions would be appreciated.

happy friday

thursday october 28, 2010

2010-10-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

you can only do so much...

as a mother of sons, you have to accept certain facts...that no matter how many times you drive 80 miles an hour through residential neighborhoods to, hopefully, catch a school bus that your kid missed because even though you tried to wake him up 300 times, he doesnt hear/listen to you, and you still miss the bus and have to drive him to school in your pajamas while still having not even had your morning pee or brushed your teeth....that no matter how many times you cook 17 different meals because no one is happy with what is on the menu.... that no matter how many times you bring donuts to school because your kid texts you that he wants breakfast....that no matter how many times you refrain from taking your kids head and smashing it against a wall because he is being so difficult and tells you that everything you do it wrong and that you are the worst mother in the world....

.....you are still going to end up in a nursing home with a beard and no teeth and the orderlies giving you cards on mothers day and on your birthday...holycrapim90 and i haven't seen sons# 1,2 or 3 in years....should i even be cautiously optimistic?

i love my boys (most of the time...242 days until camp starts-is it wrong that i know that already? hey, its on the website..if they started counting down, why cant i?) and no matter what they end up doing with me...i know that they know that i love them.

i will keep telling myself that on the bus ride to shady hills home for the wayward elderly....

happy thursday

Wednesday October 27,2010

2010-10-27T11:44:00.001-07:00

the dementia is setting in....and its not even my birthday....

ya, so yesterday i blogged about great inventions...and the invention i had seen at the mall, the one that prompted me to write about the other inventions, well, i forgot all about it.

folks, the greatest invention in the last 40 years is....spanx...for men. that's right....right there in nordstroms they have spanx for men. Now i dont think that spanx for women is a great invention-they are painful and ridiculous and you need to grease yourself to get into them-and if you dont have a hard time getting into them, it means that you dont need them in the first place...but spanx for men????? really???? upon reading the package, i have a feeling that the men who need them have....well, they have moobs-man boobs, poor guys. These spanx will help hold in your moobs- guess since they cant make sports bras for men, they needed spanx. i wonder what husband #1 will think if i buy him a pair for chanukah..though, he doesnt have moobs...he does have a large head, but they dont have spanx for that yet...though, they do have Big Melon Gear-for men with exceptionally large craniums-and that is where i order his baseball hats from. (unfortunately, i am not kidding...more unfortunately, husband #1 is not going to be too happy about what i have written about him-he doesnt mind that you know about the escort service however....go figure...never know what makes men happy....)

so spanx for men goes into the great invention hall of fame. Now, on an even more pathetic note, son #2 is going to israel saturday night with his paternal grandparents for his bar mitzva, and he wont be here for the big 4-0...so i wanted husband #1 to get me a surprise birthday cake for friday night family dinner. So, i went to the bakery and ordered my surprise cake...is that the saddest think you have ever heard? the man at the bakery couldnt stop laughing at me(at least he didnt call me a fat loser...just a regular loser...) when asked what i wanted written on the cake..well, that was easy "happy birthday ME".....yup yup yup...being a mother of sons..gotta get my own cake...so so sad on so many levels....

happy wednesday

tuesday october 26,2010

2010-10-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

great inventions....as opposed to great expectations, which i think was a book i was supposed to read in high school...

in 40 years a lot has changed...some of these things i have mentioned in previous posts...like the disappearance of the records and eight tracks and the appearances of gadgets like ipods that play music magically without any form of musical component-just magic! i have discussed the invention of "milky way in a jar." ..still haven't tried that one...though it speaks to me everytime i pass it in the supermarket..that isnt a landmark invention, but something new nonetheless....

gone is the small black and white tv from your parents kitchen and say hello to the 300 inch high definition movie screen that still cant show your teams football game when cable is fighting with fox..go figure (i, of course, who do not have cleaning help, have access to 7 thousand channels both here, abroad and in space....maybe that is why husband #1 doesnt let me pay or see the bills..well, that and the escort service...)

we have gone from rotary phones that didnt extend 12 inches from the wall to cell phones that your kids can easily lose in any location in the world..or mall...or school building...or neighbors car..or vikings game....and today i learned that they can take a card and put it in a new phone, press some buttons on the computer, say abracadabra and all the information from said missing phone..appears on the new phone...absolutely unbelievable..

yet, with all of these improvements, we still havent found a cure for cancer...so lets all hope and pray that in the next 40 years, but hopefully much much sooner...that invention comes our way.

this blog took a totally unexpected turn for both of us....happy almost birthday to my dear dear friend who was the guest of honor last night (since i will not be blogging anymore when it is her actual birthday....) and let me paraphrase the wish her mom gave to me this morning...may the next 40 years only bring us good health and good times......

happy tuesday

monday october 25, 2010

2010-10-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

one week to go..and then what?

last night i attended a beautiful wedding and had a fabulous time. why? because i really liked the people who made the wedding, i really like the person whose wedding it was and i really liked most of the people who were at the wedding!....look at that, i am not even 40 yet and already i am becoming a whole new postive/glass half full kind've middle aged woman. or...perhaps i am still just drunk from vegas...(just kidding!!)

speaking of vegas, i am happy to report that it only took 48 hours to start screaming at my family again...but i did it with a big smile on my face because i was thinking "what would donny osmond do?"..ya, back to life. back to reality...I know that husband #1 took care of HIS kids while i was away, and i appreciated that the house was still standing...but the cake and grapes from the weekend were still on the table where i left them...really? is our kitchen that big that the walk to the garbage by sons #1,2,or 3 was really too long?..perhaps we should down size...but they all survived and might have even been happy to see me when i got back..even though i was less than thrilled to be back and i am totally thinking of going away for 5 days every month(though the 5 days i would pick, and the five days husband #1 would pick are totally different...enuf said..)

Anyway....husband #1 (and i am sure assorted friends and acquaintances) cant wait for me to stop talking about this birthday already...but could one of you please remind him to get me a surprise birthday cake for this weekend? thanks.....and really, it is hard for me to stop talking about it because, truth be told..it is all about me. no, really, it is....

thats all i got....

happy monday and happy birthday to KF...you rock!!!

Almost Friday October 22,2010

2010-10-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

All good things must come to an end..but not before......

My sister and I have been planning this trip for almost a year..well, she has been planning it and I have just been talking about it and talking about it and talking about it. And now, here we are, sitting at the airport waiting for our flight home. Because that is life..you plan, you wait, you get there and then, just like that..its over. But, man o man, was it a great trip. Eventhough there are still things that I cannot cross off of my bucket list (because they are either illegal or immoral..or both)...it was an awesome trip. And my sister and I are still speaking....

But, I must tell you about today, since it is still today for four more minutes(but this also counts as Fridays blog)..today we were walking back from the bellagio where we saw an awesome art exhibit-Picasso, Lichtenstein, Renoir...just incredible..anyway, we noticed the sun was out so we were racing back to our hotel to get an hour of sun(keep in mind that the word "racing" is being used generously because at this point in our trip we were a bit slow from walking so much..so feel free to substitute the words waddling quickly for racing) and who do I see?!? I see Hugh Grant...walking down the street with sunglasses, a hat, sneakers.....I tell my sister who I have just seen and she goes racing ( now I am using the word literally...she moved really fast...)after him to confirm my identification and to get an autograph and a picture. That was not to be because the rumors about mr. Grant are quite true..he is an a&$&@@....that's right..you heard what I said. So now, my sister has a lovely photo of hugh grant giving her the finger....kindve made the whole trip worthwhile....

So as our trip comes to an end, and our luggage weighs twice as much as when we got here, yet, we didn't buy a thing.....we can always look back at this past week with big smiles and great memories...happy birthday to my sister....and 11 more days until..you guessed it, I'm forty.....holy crap...

Happy Friday (because not it really is Friday...well, not in vegas...but that's ok...)